bexxed

I need to figure out how to ask for help when I need it, and how to know when I need it. That's the thing that's staring out at me after this day which I have spent analyzing my addiction and where my brain went wrong, why, and how. This is a big personality trait I have actually. I never, ever ask for help. When I do I feel horrible, worthless, like I'm putting on people. I have this facade that I'm strong invincible independent etc. I think I do that here, too, maybe. Even now, this AV is telling me I'm overreacting. I'm going to tell you what my brain is doing right now so I get it out.

"I don't need to think I can never drink again. I can. No need to make these grand statements. Why pigeonhole yourself? I'm just thinking too much. If I was really an alcoholic, I wouldn't be able to have beer in the fridge and not drink it. In fact, I'm an a$$hole to come here and say I am, when the people on this site who are actually in need of help and who are actually alcoholics could not function with beer in the fridge. They'd have to drink it. Just the fact that for the 6 weeks I didn't drink, I was around alcohol and even had a bottle of beer in my fridge for a long time shows that I can in fact drink again. What I am is a selfish, sick person, who would take from people, demand attention I don't deserve because I am obviously not an alcoholic and they are. Someone posted they drank 3 bottles of wine a night. I never had more than 1 1/2. So see? I need to get away from this website and get a life. That new restaurant has some new craft beer I want to try. I should go there."

The chatter, the excuses, the twisted thinking. I do need help, I need your help. I need to read what you write, I need to listen to you and not this creepy stranger that is the alcoholic that lives in my head. I'm fine, personally, telling people I don't drink, am not drinking, etc. That's something I really got on that 6 weeks of not drinking. I'm comfortable with that. It's not the outside world that makes me slip. It's me. And I won't get any help if I don't take what's in front of me because I want to somehow keep up this facade that I'm so strong and awesome. It's a lie. I'm an alcoholic and I can't drink, but apparently can't stay stopped, either.

does anyone relate to this?

deeker

Maybe this will help convince you. You wrote it . Don't think so much. Just accept it. You'll drive yourself crazy if you keep this up.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post3002876

My pride and thinking I was invincable just kept me out there longer and brought me to a lower bottom. It is waiting for you. Or you can accept it.

Dee74

I can relate to it certainly.
I used to drink all day everyday, get sick, then think maybe I was overreacting and didn't need to stop cos a week later I felt fine....

thinking's great - but only if it leads us somewhere...thinking that keeps us stagnant is something else.

When I got sober I embraced action as much as I used to embrace thinking.

I keep it simple: if I'm thinking of drinking, I need help.

D

Deckard

Hi bexxed, try replacing every occurrence of the word "I" with "you" in your quoted passage. When you do that it sounds different. It sounds like someone giving you the run around....

bexxed

Yeah, thanks Dee. That's what happened. Instead of taking help I'd get if I reached out, I isolated instead.

I'm not meaning to overthink in an unhealthy way. Just trying to keep that from happening again.

Dee74

Oh noone means to...I was scared to move - I think overthinking helped make me feel I was doing something ...but not really.

D