Husband Admitted he is using cocaine
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 157
Husband Admitted he is using cocaine
When I first came here it was because I was being affected by my husbands cocaine use, it was happening on the weekends only as far as I could tell. I confronted him and went through all that, we had some long talks, and I went to see an addiction specialist also on my own. Things had improved with his drug use since I first posted here, and he seems to be working to keep it from touching me. We had a week of giving each other the cold shoulder that ended up with him going out and drinking coming home very late but that was the last thing with him. Since then we have been talking more, and he admitted to me that he is still using cocaine, that he has been using almost daily for months, but he was doing a lot more on weekends and he felt that was what was hurting us. He said he wants to stop, we have a baby that is on the way now. He thinks he can stop on his own, and I just dont know if he can. I want to support him, but I think he needs help to do this right. I have been sharing with a girlfriend all that has been going on and it has been helping me a lot. She has not been judgmental of me, or him, and that is what I had feared. She actually encouraged me to go to a nar-anon meeting even though I was reluctant. I cant say that I enjoyed the meeting or that it made me feel good. I didnt share but listened, and did talk to a person afterword who seemed kind, but I dont know if I will go back. My husband has been very focused on family these last few weeks, and he has been great. I have had some medical issues already, and he has been there for me. Its all very confusing how to move forward and deal with this being part of things.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
First it was one night a week, then "just" the weekends now daily for months but just more on the weekends AND that was the problem. Are you seeing a pattern yet? An active addict can not tell the whole truth ever. They will tell bits and pieces but the real duplicity would amaze you.
When I first joined here, I was just like you. In such denial, so naive and thought he and we were the terminally uniques ones. We weren't. Oh and just I was educating myself, lo and behold, my husband decided to seek out "recovery" too. The coincidence is laughable now especially after I have read it over and over on this site.
Now he wants to quit but on his his own?? Translation, he is not even close to quitting!! Addicts want their family, their wives, their homes and their drugs. It protects their addiction. It keeps up the appearance of normalcy and allows them to continue to lie to themselves by saying "see, it's not that bad. I have it under control."
You are talking to his addiction, not him! It's hard to grasp that but I finally have. Have you googled what happened to an addicts brain after it has become rewired into addiction?
I do not mean to sound harsh, I am just being as honest as people were with me. I was a slow learner, I hope you aren't.
When I first joined here, I was just like you. In such denial, so naive and thought he and we were the terminally uniques ones. We weren't. Oh and just I was educating myself, lo and behold, my husband decided to seek out "recovery" too. The coincidence is laughable now especially after I have read it over and over on this site.
Now he wants to quit but on his his own?? Translation, he is not even close to quitting!! Addicts want their family, their wives, their homes and their drugs. It protects their addiction. It keeps up the appearance of normalcy and allows them to continue to lie to themselves by saying "see, it's not that bad. I have it under control."
You are talking to his addiction, not him! It's hard to grasp that but I finally have. Have you googled what happened to an addicts brain after it has become rewired into addiction?
I do not mean to sound harsh, I am just being as honest as people were with me. I was a slow learner, I hope you aren't.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
LMN, is right in so many ways when I first joined here and heard things like that I felt like hitting my computer and I always dreaded replies from certain people well time always reveals more and I found that for me the post that made me wanna hit my computer later turned out too be the post I went and reread and I went from hating seeing those people had responded and looked for their replies.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Please continue seeking guidence and support for yourself.
If the two of you have any chance, one of you has to be in recovery, both of you should be, on some kind of learning path, you can do that.
You now have a child that you have to protect, so keep growing.
If the two of you have any chance, one of you has to be in recovery, both of you should be, on some kind of learning path, you can do that.
You now have a child that you have to protect, so keep growing.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 250
You said he told you that he wants to stop.
How is he showing you that he wants to stop? Has he stopped hanging out with friends that use? Has he deleted contact information from his phone? Is he going to any meetings or seeking any type of help?
I hope he decides to quit, but it sounds like he may not be ready yet. I'm glad that he's been there for you these past few weeks, but some addicts are functional addicts. They are experts at hiding their usage, even from those closest to them.
I also wouldn't give up on the meetings yet. The first few times I went I was kind of shell-shocked and confused. I needed some more time to process what was really happening to me. Hearing stories from others gave me some insight into what living with an addict was really like. It may not have been my exact situation, but it forced me to get out of my comfort zone see what drugs really do to families. It was uncomfortable, but what I heard was the truth.
In time I came to see that the marriage I wanted and the one I actually had were completely different. I had to face reality, even if my husband chose to live in denial.
I'm glad you confided in a friend (makes it less lonely) and please continue to take care of yourself.
Hugs
How is he showing you that he wants to stop? Has he stopped hanging out with friends that use? Has he deleted contact information from his phone? Is he going to any meetings or seeking any type of help?
I hope he decides to quit, but it sounds like he may not be ready yet. I'm glad that he's been there for you these past few weeks, but some addicts are functional addicts. They are experts at hiding their usage, even from those closest to them.
I also wouldn't give up on the meetings yet. The first few times I went I was kind of shell-shocked and confused. I needed some more time to process what was really happening to me. Hearing stories from others gave me some insight into what living with an addict was really like. It may not have been my exact situation, but it forced me to get out of my comfort zone see what drugs really do to families. It was uncomfortable, but what I heard was the truth.
In time I came to see that the marriage I wanted and the one I actually had were completely different. I had to face reality, even if my husband chose to live in denial.
I'm glad you confided in a friend (makes it less lonely) and please continue to take care of yourself.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
I did cocaine for years when I was young. it is very addicting and every EXPENSIVE!
I never progressed to crack (I did coke in early 80's and crack didn't become popular til much later). Coke and Meth are sexually driven drugs and complement alcohol and pot.
Please be careful!
Hugs
TT
I never progressed to crack (I did coke in early 80's and crack didn't become popular til much later). Coke and Meth are sexually driven drugs and complement alcohol and pot.
Please be careful!
Hugs
TT
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Addiction is a progressive disease. An addict can be high functioning for a while, sometimes years, but eventually the ship will go down. It's up to you if you go down with it.
If he is still using and being Mr Wonderful, I am sorry to say its nothing more then manipulation.
If he is still using and being Mr Wonderful, I am sorry to say its nothing more then manipulation.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
My husband used cocaine when he was actively using also. He has told me most of the worst regrets he has came from the times when he was using cocaine (vs his primary drug: pain meds). I think it was because the drug lifted his inhibition's, and made him feel like wrong was right.
Some people can stop using on their own, there are many people here on SR that are proof of that; but I personally think it depends on how far things have progressed. My husband tried to stop on his own, and I think he really did try, but he just couldn't do it without help. I agree with Sara... if he is trying to stop using, then there should be steps he is taking to change his behavior, his triggers, his friends that he uses with, not going out anymore but coming home instead, or going to the gym or whatever is necessary to break his patterns. I think you have to watch his behavior and that will be the best indicator. But one question, why wont he go with you (or alone) to see the addiction doctor? It would probably make it much easier for him if he would reach out to help that is available.
Congratulations on the baby ! Its good to hear your husband has been helping and supporting you during this time. Hope your feeling ok now, all this stress has got to be hard on you. Have you ever thought of trying yoga, they have great programs available that work well when your expecting.
Some people can stop using on their own, there are many people here on SR that are proof of that; but I personally think it depends on how far things have progressed. My husband tried to stop on his own, and I think he really did try, but he just couldn't do it without help. I agree with Sara... if he is trying to stop using, then there should be steps he is taking to change his behavior, his triggers, his friends that he uses with, not going out anymore but coming home instead, or going to the gym or whatever is necessary to break his patterns. I think you have to watch his behavior and that will be the best indicator. But one question, why wont he go with you (or alone) to see the addiction doctor? It would probably make it much easier for him if he would reach out to help that is available.
Congratulations on the baby ! Its good to hear your husband has been helping and supporting you during this time. Hope your feeling ok now, all this stress has got to be hard on you. Have you ever thought of trying yoga, they have great programs available that work well when your expecting.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
long term cocaine use isn't something one just QUITS easily....DAILY long term use is a BIG gorilla. he's been telling you it's not a problem, and still using. then he reveals he's been using more, WAY more, than he first admitted. but he can quit on his own. he's known about the pregnancy for a while now and is STILL using.
you thought you could tell when he was high...you thought it was JUST one night a week. don't be fooled because he's being NICE. unless he kicks that crap to the curb, it WILL get WORSE. general estimate here, if he's using daily and then WAY more on the weekends, we can assume maybe $60 a day and then double/triple that on the weekends. at a minimum we're talking $300 a week, and that's low balling it.
babies and parenthood aren't CURES. the fact that he stated he can do this on his own is a big red flag that he is not serious and has no intention of quitting right now. it's all a stall tactic.
you thought you could tell when he was high...you thought it was JUST one night a week. don't be fooled because he's being NICE. unless he kicks that crap to the curb, it WILL get WORSE. general estimate here, if he's using daily and then WAY more on the weekends, we can assume maybe $60 a day and then double/triple that on the weekends. at a minimum we're talking $300 a week, and that's low balling it.
babies and parenthood aren't CURES. the fact that he stated he can do this on his own is a big red flag that he is not serious and has no intention of quitting right now. it's all a stall tactic.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 559
My husband, love of my life, best friend of 16 years was a cocaine addict. I urge you to please read my stories. I have no idea where he is now, and am raising my son by myself.
If I were you knowing what I know now, I would move out and not have anything to do with him until he goes to rehab and works on recovery. Your baby and you need healthy.
I'm sorry. I'm sure that is not what you want to hear.
If I were you knowing what I know now, I would move out and not have anything to do with him until he goes to rehab and works on recovery. Your baby and you need healthy.
I'm sorry. I'm sure that is not what you want to hear.
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 15
My husband also is a cocaine addict and he tried to quit on his own. He actually quit for a while, but it was very short lived. Only for about year. Now he's back to where he started from or even worst. There are some who can quit cold turkey, but I think it's very rare. My husband definitely needed to work a program. He needed a support system. When he initially quit I urged him to seek support, but he just wouldn't. Because he was doing so well I let my guard down. I think I just really wanted my happy family again. My mother warned me that without him seeking help there would be good a chance of relapse. My mother's brother was a user as well and lost everything. He's been clean for about 20 years, but says the cravings are still there. He doesn't think he would have been able to maintain his sobriety without working a program and maintaining a good support system.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 157
I was going to tackle each reply, but I will instead try to get it all in this one post, but thank you each for sharing with me.
He has made some changes since I first came here and posted. I woke up and talked to him mid-week when he was out of his big weekend high, and from that I explained how his using was affecting me. He became aggressive always on Saturday nights after using Friday night, and all day Saturday. He only seemed half aware that his actions were out of line. But I was clear to him about how I felt, and that I was not going to be an object to satisfy his needs after getting a big high on drugs, and that if wanted to be the kind of husband that threatened to cheat on me for not giving in then he was on his way to losing me, and if he went ahead and cheated then I was considering it premeditated and he would have to deal with the consequences of his actions. We stayed in separate bedrooms for a few days, and he seemed to be doing a lot of thinking and was introspective, and sort of quiet.
The addiction specialist I talked to explained addiction to me I think very thoroughly. He mentioned a lot if the things that are in the sticky here about addiction being a disease. He explained about my husbands drug also, and that it was causing the sexual aggression, because he had never been like that before. He explained to me about enabling, and that I needed to be honest with my husband about my feelings, and how his drug use was affecting our relationship or I was keeping him from experiencing a consequence. But he did not say I should leave him, instead he said I should keep talking to him. When I talked to him later and told him about the change in his using habits, he said it was good he was able to stop what he called the weekend binge type behavior, but said cocaine is highly psychologically addictive and explained how his using everyday is because the dopamine levels now need that boost from the cocaine to reach what my husband has learned makes him feel good or normal.
We had a good weekend, and I dont think his being nice to me now is manipulation. He has always been nice to me except when he was getting those big highs and acting crazy. I havent threatened to leave him or anything, but I think he knows I will if he treats me bad, and he is hurt or feels Im wrong in not trusting him and deciding to go back to work full time.
He seems more interested in the baby now, but admits he is scared too. I think some of his romantic gestures are linked to the drug use and fulfilling his needs still, but its hard to separate it out.
What do you do - End a marriage at this point? I dont feel like we are near there yet, but I also dont want to live with his continued use and have it affecting our child one day.
He may be trying to make me think he is quitting when he has no plans to quit,but how do I know that right now?
He has made some changes since I first came here and posted. I woke up and talked to him mid-week when he was out of his big weekend high, and from that I explained how his using was affecting me. He became aggressive always on Saturday nights after using Friday night, and all day Saturday. He only seemed half aware that his actions were out of line. But I was clear to him about how I felt, and that I was not going to be an object to satisfy his needs after getting a big high on drugs, and that if wanted to be the kind of husband that threatened to cheat on me for not giving in then he was on his way to losing me, and if he went ahead and cheated then I was considering it premeditated and he would have to deal with the consequences of his actions. We stayed in separate bedrooms for a few days, and he seemed to be doing a lot of thinking and was introspective, and sort of quiet.
The addiction specialist I talked to explained addiction to me I think very thoroughly. He mentioned a lot if the things that are in the sticky here about addiction being a disease. He explained about my husbands drug also, and that it was causing the sexual aggression, because he had never been like that before. He explained to me about enabling, and that I needed to be honest with my husband about my feelings, and how his drug use was affecting our relationship or I was keeping him from experiencing a consequence. But he did not say I should leave him, instead he said I should keep talking to him. When I talked to him later and told him about the change in his using habits, he said it was good he was able to stop what he called the weekend binge type behavior, but said cocaine is highly psychologically addictive and explained how his using everyday is because the dopamine levels now need that boost from the cocaine to reach what my husband has learned makes him feel good or normal.
We had a good weekend, and I dont think his being nice to me now is manipulation. He has always been nice to me except when he was getting those big highs and acting crazy. I havent threatened to leave him or anything, but I think he knows I will if he treats me bad, and he is hurt or feels Im wrong in not trusting him and deciding to go back to work full time.
He seems more interested in the baby now, but admits he is scared too. I think some of his romantic gestures are linked to the drug use and fulfilling his needs still, but its hard to separate it out.
What do you do - End a marriage at this point? I dont feel like we are near there yet, but I also dont want to live with his continued use and have it affecting our child one day.
He may be trying to make me think he is quitting when he has no plans to quit,but how do I know that right now?
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
onenight, you are doing a great job of educating yourself and seeking support.
You have stated that you are not ready to throw in the towel.
perfectly acceptable.
I have no doubt you will figure this out as time goes by.
You have stated that you are not ready to throw in the towel.
perfectly acceptable.
I have no doubt you will figure this out as time goes by.
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