bexxed

Yeah, that's right. I guess I have to think about how that happened.

Can I call it the taste of really good beer? It was back in July, right before the 4th. I had *a* beer like a normal person, for two weeks. I decided I had just gone through a long crazy spell and the isolation that I get from traveling for my job had made a temporary alcoholic out of me, but going home to my family, I was fine.

So after vacation, I stopped drinking again. It was no problem. Back to my little routines I put together from 6 weeks sober. I lasted 2 weeks, during which time a doctor prescribed me some painkillers for a workout injury, told me I couldn't work out until it healed, and sent me on my way.

I've never been into pills, but these were intense and they jolted the AV. I took 2 at a time and noticed that my nice sober sleeping had changed. took 2 more. Went out for dinner with coworkers, water turned into beer, one turned to five. And I woke up with a hangover that rivaled the one that got me sober in the first place. I will not and do not want to touch those pills. But two days later, I bought a bottle of wine. Last night, it was back to Friday night bottle of wine by myself.

So here I am, knowing what I'll do differently.

I probably should have been coming here more- that initial thought crept into my head and I really shouldn't have powered that alone. I could have come here and told you all and you would have set me straight in the way we do that for each other. You know why I didn't? My boss used my computer and I saw her see this site in the frequent website auto-fill-in thingy that Safari browsers have. Horrified, I removed it.

What else will I do differently? Well, this is a good start.

I know what to do, I know it's worth it, it's good for me, I will be happier, healthier, and I want it. Apparently, it's keeping it that I'm going to have to learn how to do.

I'm so mad at myself, that's not going to do me any good, but it really sucks coming here and typing this. It would suck more to be planning my next drink.

Bubovski

The old mind set and habits aren't easily dispatched with.
Those pills (specially a double dose)could have been a trigger.
Have you considered more involvement with those looking to sobriety?

ImperfectlyMe

Thank you gir your honest post! It has helped me tremdously

bexxed

Thanks, y'all, for reading. Yeah, that's what I meant when I said that I should have come here. If you are suggesting AA, I am not open to that after a horrible, horrible experience there. The restrictive "90 in 90" is something I am absolutely unable to do, too, with my work schedule. I will not sacrifice my career for AA's attendance requirements. This forum works fine, I think, for what I believe Bill's original observations of what AA used to do. It has become something different over years but this forum seems quite helpful, and I shouldn't have stopped coming here, because a week after I did, I had a beer.

Eleni58

Just curious, Bexxed: how many times have you relapsed since joining this site in June 2011?

Dee74

welcome back Bexxed

D

bexxed

Questions like that are pretty triggering. What's your intent? I'm here feeling pretty bad.

Not counting the 2 and 3 day vacations from booze, 3. This being the 3rd.

Hevyn

Bexxed I'm glad to see you are trying again. You're among friends who understand what it's like to go off track. You can get back on and stay there. Please keep talking to us.

bexxed

Yeah, this forum is wonderful. I've never gotten up this quickly before, if this is actually "getting up". Yeah, it is, I think. I know what I need to do and I'm doing it. 6 weeks was the longest time I've ever had. The me that I am was coming out and I was feeling great. That I fell for the old "rewarding yourself for being sober with a drink" thing was crazy. Frankly, this sounds weird, but it's true, I kind of had to force myself to drink the first one. This sober part of me really had an issue with it. I'm sitting here feeling gross in my head and my body from the booze and nasty food, bloated, headache, blah, haven't even made any coffee yet and the day's almost over, and the sun's shining behind the blinds I haven't opened yet, and you know? There were 6 weeks when a day like this was inconceivable.

IT DOES NOT GET BETTER out there. I can't drink like a "normal person". If I start to think I can, I'm in trouble. Instead of asking for help when my brain took that turn, I jumped off a cliff.

ImperfectlyMe

But your here now more equipt to keep on fighting I'm proud of you! You helped alot of people just writing your story.