matt1959

My dearest friends...this site is a blessing and you all are so helpful...thank you so much!

After my 24 year old daughter's last drinking binge, we finally told her we had enough. We just can't do the enabling anymore...we have no inner strength to do so. We told her that unless she gets the help she needs, we will no longer be in her life. (...tears from us ... nothing from her)

Since then, she refuses to talk to anyone but the boyfriend she lives with. She has closed all communication with all family and friends. Her last comment to my wife was that she will not talk to anyone anymore. So we thought this was a temporary feeling. It has now been over a month and still no communication to anyone other than what she needs to do at her job.

Can you please help me with what stage this is? From the bottom of my heart...thank you for taking the time to respond.

dandylion

Dear matt, I have been in your shoes--and, I know the pain a parent feels--a pain like no other!!

First, understand that anyone that gets between the alcoholic and their ability to comfortably drink becomes the ENEMY. They will be angry and resentful. This will last until they seek sobriety because they want to for themselves. It is impossible to predict when this will happen. You will have to accept this basic fact and take your consolation from the fact that you have done the most responsible thing a parent can do--even though it is the most painful.

When you make a boundary, you have to stick with it--or they will consider your words hollow.

I believe that it is imperative that you embark on a course of study to learn everything you can about this disease---so much is counter-intuitive to parents. It is not all "logical".

Guard against letting guilt and self-blame overwhelm you. This is hard for parents. I suggest connecting with other parents in alanon and talking with long-recovering alcoholics--the ones who have worked the 12-steps. They understand other alcoholics and can be a good resource for you.

I recommend reading the articles by Lloyd P. Garrett, M.D. (google search), It gives a good explanation of how the alcoholic m ind works and how they handle their relationships with other people. Also read the stickies at the top of the page.

She does not hate you, but she will keep her love buried and hidden. No matter how she behaves---she still loves you as much as she always did. He disease does not allow her to show it.

You are going to need a lot of faith and support to walk this road--trust me.

I am glad that you have stopped enabling her.

dandylion

matt1959

Thank you so much for your words of wisdom and and consoling words. Everything you wrote I fully understand and will help along with my daily prayers for the courage and strength this is taking to get through this parental nightmare.

Every day this goes by is one less day in our lives that we feel we have no daughter. She is a joy to be with, a beautiful young lady, and has everything going for her ... except for this disease. It never diminishes our love for her and it brings me closer to God.

Thanks again my friends!

wolfpackfan45

Matt, I too understand your pain. My 22 year old son is a recovering alcoholic, and I know the anxiety, worry, and pain you feel as a parent. I lived for months in fear because my son wouldn't get in touch with us unless he needed something. It was the worst months of my life. I would cry when he'd fail to answer his phone or come home from college. He acted as if he didn't care one bit. I understand. I do. That, Matt, is the disease talking. He was always a kind and sensitive young man until he started drinking. Once the disease took over I didn't know him anymore. He was gone. My son's alcoholism has brought me closer to God too. It was the one thing that I, as a parent, couldn't fix or help him with. God has been there with me throughout this whole miserable experience. Sobriety has it's own set of issues, but it's better than active drinking. Please know that you're not alone. I've found that going to AlAnon has helped me immensely. I didn't think it would be for me, but it is. It works. I also have had to learn to set boundaries and stick with them, and to stop enabling. Even though my son is 9 months sober, my life will never be the same again. It is forever changed. By a drink. Hang in there Matt. You and your wife are not alone.

LexieCat

Well, she has sort of called your bluff. You told her that unless she gets the help she needs, you would no longer be in her life.

Apparently, you expected that she would then immediately be receptive to help. Instead, she has opted for Door Number Two.

When you ask an alcoholic to choose between you and the bottle, you'd better be prepared for her to choose the bottle. Until the alcoholic is ready to quit, that choice will ALWAYS win.

Please don't think I am taking your pain and disappointment lightly. I'm a mom, too, and I can only imagine how terribly upset you feel.

You asked what "stage" this is. It's typical of ANY stage of alcoholism right up until the moment the alcoholic is truly ready to quit. Some alcoholics will give loved ones false promises, or pretend to be willing to recover, but if they aren't ready, they will continue to drink and to break those promises. It could be months, years, or decades before the alcoholic is ready to quit--and some never are.

I suggest you and your wife get to Al-Anon. Being with other parents and loved ones who are dealing with the same kinds of issues can be a huge help.

matt1959

Bless you all for taking your time to share your insight and provide words of comfort and wise counsel. I don't take your comments lightly.

I don't want to be the parent who looks at another parent or spouse and have to tell them that I'm sorry for their loss because of my daughter drinking and driving. They will never understand that we weren't the irresponsible ones for causing a death...it was our daughter who has a disease. Irregardless, we live our lives through our children ... always an unbroken bond. We experience their joy but share their pain.

I have tried to turn this experience into motivation for attempting to do things I really want to do in life. To do them with courage and positivity. It's the only thing I can control in my life to get through the days. I cannot allow my daughter's drinking to control my life...I must do what's best for me. I say that with a lump in my throat and a heavy heart but there will be light at the end of the tunnel for which should be my ultimate goal.

I have my sad moments and get tears in my eyes. I have to recognize that this is natural but I need to show to the Lord that I will not stray from him like my daughter did to us.

Thank you my friends! Thank you so much!

devastated1

I also have an alcoholic son who is 23. I know all too well the pain you are experiencing. We also ended up telling him that he can't be a part of our lives unless he gets help and does what he needs to to get sober. He also chose to live with friends and drink. We feel hurt like you and feel like we have lost our son. He has become a liar and manipulator to get alcohol. As hard as it is, you are doing the right thing by setting boundaries. Stick with it and hopefully she will get to the point she will seek help. You are not alone.