Txhelp

Hello all:

So happy to find a place to share, vent, and gather insight. I have struggled with my now (2) adult children and their substance abuse issues. My 24 year old son is currently in rehab. My daughter is on drug monitoring via the courts and is doing well.

I have learned much from my children. Mostly what doesn't work with an addict. I have learned to love my children by being being tough. Tough is when a mom calls the police on her child; call an ambulance due to an overdose; kicks her adult child out of her home (same day) when drugs are discovered. No food and no money is given to them.

Needless to say.....it hasn't always been that way!

Now...something new. I married 6 months ago to an addict, in recovery, from Meth. He is extremely honest about his history. He has been 13 years sober. It took him many years to get on his feet and get a life. He has a wonderful job and a new wife. We dated 3 years prior to marriage.

He has lived through the turmoil that my kids have inflicted upon me. He know what I have been through.

I kicked my daughter out yesterday-again.

This morning, after his evening shift at work.... I caught him doing meth in the office. He was extremely apologetic; sad; and felt "stupid, with no excuses" etc.

He stated that he can't believe that he did it and how it must hurt me.

I was in shock. I told him to leave...he refused and told me it won't happen again...he's stupid...he didn't know why....etc. He said a coworker, before work, presented it to him in the parking lot. He had confided that he was a recovering addict to him. I guess he gave him a "present" and my husband took it.

I told him that I need to think. I am still in shock. He has such a long history of recovery and I realize that relapse can happen anytime...even when things are going well.

Any opinions here? I need to sort through my feelings before doing anything rash. He knows I feel disrespected and our marriage is on the line.

pravchaw

That is a tough situation. Is this a lapse or a relapse? He needs to take massive action to regain trust. I would assume that this is not a one time lapse. I hope you are protecting yourself financially and prepared to practice all you have learnt from your kids if it is revealed that this is a relapse.

YearForMe

Hi Txhelp...

Welcome to SR but sorry for the reason you are here.

My daughter is a meth addict...sometimes clean...sometimes in recovery...but mostly active.

My experience with her is that after a stretch of clean time...and you discover they are using....it's usually not the first time. And it usually won't be the last...until something pretty bad happens.

Meth is the enemy's drug...nasty as can be.

Please don't bury your head in the sand....
It's time to protect all assets and hunker down....
or boot his rump to the curb.

Txhelp

Lapse or relapse....good question. I wasn't thinking of it this way.

From everything he has told me a lapse. He has been honest and remorseful and states that he doesn't want to lose the marriage.

I have already covered my butt...I have a prenup.

He has been honest and I believe him. I really very good about reading people. He has never lied to me but really...I know the behavior of an addict.

I told him that I need time to think. However, I did state that there will be no second chances. I am not prepared to ride the roller coaster. I need a partner and not another child.

I feel so disrespected that he did it in the house after knowing the things that I have went through. Selfish.....

I am not sure what my next step is....obviously its up to him to make amends and that comes with time. I am really not in the mood to be drug testing my husband.....

I have no energy left.

Eve13

Txhelp, no advise, just a heartfelt I'm sorry for this situation you're in, after all you've been through. It's like the grief from past brokenness comes back to the surface once again.

Kindeyes

Welcome to SR......

Glad to hear that you took care of yourself with a prenup. Smart.

Your situation reminds me of when my son got out of rehab once. He met up with an old girlfriend. She offered him meth--said it was a little present she had for him. He took it. She said "I just wanted to see if rehab worked or if you could say no." Unbelievable. Wo would offer someone who admits they're in recovery from addiction their DOC? Wo does that?

I hope this was just a lapse in judgement. Time will reveal more.

Keep us posted.

gentle hugs
ke

AnvilheadII

I was in shock. I told him to leave...he refused and told me it won't happen again...he's stupid...he didn't know why....etc. He said a coworker, before work, presented it to him in the parking lot. He had confided that he was a recovering addict to him. I guess he gave him a "present" and my husband took it.

a big part of me calls BS on that story....altho it is possible, anything is with drugs. where does he work that coworkers do meth?

it's very troublesome that he did it AT home, especially since you JUST kicked your own daughter out AND that when you requested that he LEAVE, he refused. and then gave the addict oath:

I'm Sorry, Please Forgive Me, It will Never Happen Again.

never think you really know someone. or that you are THAT good at reading others. chances are good this isn't the first time, just the first time he got caught. once the beast wakes up, it doesn't go right back to sleep with a nice lullaby.

you do what is best FOR YOU.

he said no excuses and then promptly gave an excuse...
you said no second chances - if that's true, then wasn't this that second chance? you kicked your kid out the same day you found drugs....why don't the same rules apply here?

Txhelp

Thank you for the inciteful posts. I am playing it by ear and judging by behaviors. He has work to.do.....Fyi he works at a refinery...shiftwork. The have strict standards and drug testing but obviously the only real deterrant is yourself.

I love him but wil not sacrifice the remainder of my life chasing him around with a drug test. Either he wants this marriage or not. I was married for 25 years to mu first husband. I know it takes two to make a marriage work. An active addict makes only one person doing the work........

Ann

I am so sorry, this must have hit you like a kick in the stomach after all you have been through.

I am hearing clarity and wisdom in your posts, you know what you are facing and need to decide what your plans are now. It won't be easy, no matter what you choose. Finding the safe place between dreams and reality is always a difficult thing to do. In the end, life will take us to where we are supposed to go.

Just know we are here and we care.

Hugs

Txhelp

Thank you to all who posted. Your caring shows through!

As I said, I am taking it day by day...who would have thought that my kids taught me something in their drug use........

sojourner

Txhelp: Welcome to SR. Hope the ESH offered here helps you.

My take on this is how confusing your responses are - if the daughter does it, she is gone (good for you!). If the husband does it, well....

It would be interesting to know if your daughter knew your husband was using (and for how long). If she did know and then sees how you responded to him when you finally found out, well... you can imagine how your actions were interpreted by both.

It is also interesting that your husband sees and (I assume) agrees with your quick response to your daughter's use yet wants to be treated different in his situation. But of course he is different - he has remorse, he will be getting on the straight and narrow, etc.

Txhelp, the response on the part of your husband I have read here so many times that, for me, I don't take it seriously. To me, it is just addict speak.

Take what you want and leave the rest. You will take action as you are able. You have a lot on your plate right now with your daughter, and now having to deal with the husband is, I would think, overwhelming. Keep coming back. Some here will comfort you and some here will (hopefully) gently nudge you. Some here will do both. I hope my nudge is gentle.

Sojourner

Txhelp

I totally understand what sounds like hypocrisy....perhaps it is!

My daughter has about 2 years of substance abuse...this isn't the first time to kick her out. She is actually MUCH better than last year...but my rules have been hard and fast regarding S.A. in my home.

Absolutely, my husband used and broke the rules. He's been sober for 13 years. I have known him for 3 and married for 6 months. Do they not apply to him? He is my husband.......this is only lapse (used once) since I've known him. If it happens again....I will divorce. Yes....they apply to him but in a different way.

He is making amends and working on himself. That's his job in the equation....and being clean. It's not my job. I understand "addict speak" and am fully aware.

I will be O.K. regardless of the choices that he makes. As I have stated......time will tell.

Txhelp

I wanted to update from my original post (approx 2 months ago):

My kids are doing well...sober and working full time. They are also temporarily living with me until they get on their feet. Boundaries have been set and yes there have been warnings but overall they are busy and sober (for today).

Now on to the REALLY hard part....my husband. I said I would judge him on his behaviors and not be a security guard. This week was when my "feelers" came out. He is working straight days (12 hour shift) and was avoiding me this week. He stayed at his moms (closer to work) on Monday due to "exhaustion." I was ok with it. Then Tuesday......

I began feeling a distance and it wasn't just physical. No many phone calls or text messages. Of course, I accounted for his "tiredness and busy schedule" but usually he is very expressive.

I looked at his call logs...hmmm the days he was "to tired" to come home he has calls late at night past his bedtime. He wasn't sleeping.

Thursday night, at home, he said "do you mind if I go to my moms (to sleep) and help her get rid of some garage stuff for the garbage-his brothers mess?" I told him "I do mind, I am your wife and I am getting scraps here. In addition, your brother should be picking up his s**t, not you guys." However later I said go ahead but I do mind.

I expected him to take me into account....go to his moms and come home. He didn't and said he was staying at his moms on Friday night.

I contact his mother the next day to ask about her sister (in the hospital). She stated that my husband went home at 10 pm that night. I told her..."no he didn't come home." We both said on the phone and said this wasn't good. It wasn't.

Behaviors. I called him at work. Told him what I felt, calmly and simply. "If this isn't true (drug use) then you won't mind coming straight home to take a drug test." He said "ok."

He came home early...he deflected. Said our relationship was over no matter what the outcome of the drug test. I said "fine!" I did stop and told myself I need this concrete for me.

He took it and failed. No surprise. Said he has been using since last weekend. He spillls the results of his last blood tests. The family doctor will see him in the next week and has scheduled appointments with other specialists. He thinks it may be his liver. Probably not good.

He left that day, after the drug test. He knew what the consequences are....I bawled like a baby, vented to friends and prayed.

I have decided that we will remain separated. This will allow me time to process my thoughts and feelings as I haven't been married 8 months and of course never expected this! I told him I will support him in his health and recovery.

"I can't be on the ride." Its his recovery and I need peace.

pravchaw

I am so sorry but you handled your self very well. Physical separatation from an active addiction is the best. We hate the addiction not the addict. As you know, recovery has to come from within. You dear lady, take care of your self. when you recover, good things happen.

Lotusangel

I feel for you. I don't know what to say but to send hugs your way. My first husband was a cocaine addict, and it definitely was a roller coaster. He was so sweet and loved me so much but it was a hard life. He was my first love and I knew nothing about drugs or had anyone I could confide in. He was murdered at 24 years old and I was left with three small children. I am still suffering the consequences of that trauma. Now my 23 AS is suffering with addiction. I always felt that my son got into drugs because he could not fill that void. I took him to counseling, sacrificed my life and social life for them. As I still live with the void, I can somewhat understand my son except I handle my pain and void a different way. I always did tell myself that I would never put myself through that with another partner because it is such a tiring life to live. The heart sometimes doesn't know how to let go, but you know deep inside if things are not right and won't be for a long time. It's up to you if you are willing to spend all your energy on that type of relationship. It is definitely more giving that receiving.

JMFburns

Tx,
Thank you for the post and the update. Your consistent effort in taking care of yourself and not getting dragged into someone else's craziness and drug use is admirable. I feel strongly that your post will help many others.

I'm sorry for what you have had to go through w/your husband, but am glad to hear of your kids recovery/life efforts.

sevenofnine

What would the difference be between a lapse and a relapse? To me it's like saying a one night stand wouldn't be adultery, only a drawn out lengthy affair.

So sorry, tx. Sending you courage and strength. And hugs. This sucks, but maybe the bright side is that you don't have to wonder if you should be with him. I know that marriage vows usually say in sickness, and some people think of addiction as a disease, but nonetheless I don't think any spouse owes the other support through that. If he said no for 13 years, I think he had it in him to say no then.

His friend from work is the disease (if that's really a true story..i also suspect your ah had some hand in encouraging- people don't just walk around giving their drugs away randomly, like, hey I bought you a coffee).

Txhelp

sevenofnone: Lapse and Relapse is something new to me. I just take it as an alcoholic has a drink, regroups and get support.

I think the difference between my husbands and his sobriety is that he never was in RECOVERY. He didn't develop coping skills, support systems, etc.

When the going-got-tough (temptation) he took it. He had no Plan B or support system or sponsor in place.

The idea of a disease my be true...however there are choices that go along with it as well.

He came over, yesterday, to get some stuff. I had already changed the garage code/keypad. He doesn't have a key. He was a little hyperfocused on gathering his things but I asked him to "sit down and talk."

I grabbed his hand and asked more regarding his doctor appt etc. He explained that the family doctor had already made appts with specialist. I told him that I would attend any appts that I could. He said "its ok."

He said that he is thinking of going to HR (at work) and tell them that he is at the beginning of a problem and needs help. I told him that it might be a good idea and it's not something they haven't heard of.....

I also provided him with the names of (2) individual addictions counselors and a Christian support group. I mentioned these to him in our talk. I figured I said it out loud, emailed him. Its up to him to pursue recovery. I am not going to try to convince him to move forward.

It's difficult alright. Heartwrenching. I feel like I am in an alternate universe of being newly married.

FYI: I attended alanon last night as a newcomer. I figured even though I am pretty good at setting boundaries etc. I need a neutral parties support system.

Thanks and hugs to you all!

pravchaw

. A lapse to me is more like a slip in a diet a relapse is gaining 20 lbs. Lapses happen during recovery. As long as the person stabilizes and gets back to sobriety its not a big deal. . I don't think its a good idea to completely detach. You should communicate with him. He clearly needs help.. You are probably his life line at this stage.
I suggest the following which has helped me.
I recently persuaded my son into detox and now outpatient treatment using the CRAFT technique. The technique is detailed in this book - Get Your Loved One Sober: Alternatives to Nagging, Pleading, and Threatening: Robert J. Meyers, Brenda L. Wolfe: 9781592850815: Amazon.com: Books.

Txhelp

Thank you pravchaw for the info...

It's so hard to detach but not......completely. I wonder what should I do...call, wait for his call, love him or be neutral. What is the right thing?