Black Bird

So, after my drunken mess last night, my hubby is up and I can tell he is not happy. I feel frozen. How do I even go about apologizing? I have said so much BS. How can I make him see I am truly sorry. I am avoiding him at the moment because the shame is too much. I'm guessing that's not a good approach. Ugh! I guess I just have to face whatever consequencescome from this.

wiscsober

Today might not be the day for apologies.

If you are working the AA program you
may want to go to a meeting, or at least call someone.

Pulling for you.

I've gotten through many days like yours.

visch1

Hi. I have the tendency to say things people don't want to hear as in some cases I'm not soft and cuddly. This F en disease many suffer from is incurable but can be harnessed only if we keep alcohol out of our mouths. That's accomplished by not picking up that first drink even if our arz falls off. If this feature is unreasonable we need a detox for help. Hey I've been there with all the AW BUTs which don't work. Family got so tired of the "I'm sorry" it became like talking to the wall and requires long term action. Many have done it and so can you. BE WELL

Lightning Bug

What happened last night? what were you feeling when you took the first drink?
Were you alone or with others?

I have been in your spot in the morning trying to look my husband in the eye. I usually said something like "I'm sorry. I can't take back what happened or what I said, but I am sorry." Then say you are calling your sponsor and going to a meeting.

Black Bird

I had a relapse and have been on an over 2 week binge. I prefer to drink alone, that is until my hubby comes home. Than he gets to deal with me...pathetic
Thanks so much guys. Today is my day one again and you are all helping me out so much. I just let him talk. Thank God he is a nice and kind person.
I know I can do this and I will. I am calling my Sponser and I an going to a meeting in a short few. Thanks again everyone.

LadyBlue0527

That's a tough one Black Bird and you know that I know it is because of my last post to you. I remember tiptoeing around for most of the day coming to the decision that maybe it was best to just not say anything for a while. How many times can we apologize and have it mean anything to them? The only way that we can make it right is through actions.

dwtbd

I have a fantastic wife so gd supportive , really more supportive than I even realised until truly and honestly talking with her during this week. This is longest I haven't drank in years.
In the last year I have said , alot of times, that I would slow down or stop. It didn't take very long for the apologies to ring hollow in both our ears.
I have also become aware of her view of my drinking from her perspective, and was surprised at her level of clarity of the whole situation. She told me of her conversation with her sister. She basically came to the conclusion that my drinking was my problem , if I continued to drink , she would be forced by circumstances to plan for the rest of her life without me.
Hearing that from her made me see that even though I was struggling to try and want to be quit and stay quit, I was thinking about it in terms of me. I was almost blind in my thinking of how much my choices would affect her choices, choices she would make with or without my input.
Not sure what I mean here , other than that we have to realise that stopping is paramount to our individual lives, but our actions in that regard are going to have consequences as to other's actions. Apologising for lapses or failures isn't really fair, it seems more an act we do to be free of the consequences of our behaviour.

Fallow

I have been through the same situation many times. Apologized and did the same things or worse shortly after. It was tiring and frustrating.

The best apology I have made though was to quit entirely. I stopped talking to my wife about it and became willing to do absolutely anything to stay sober. I finally realized that sobriety has to stay number one in my life.

What I found in almost 9 months is that forgiveness takes time. Both from others and forgiving myself. I could not start that process without complete abstinence first. I can see the change in my wife as she doesn't have to wonder which guy is gonna show up on Friday night. There is much more peace, understanding, and respect on both sides too.

I had to start worrying about myself first.

wakko

What worked for me was coming up with a sobriety a plan because my wife had heard sorry one too many times. My plan included;

• seeing a physician that specialized in addiction
• going to a intensive outpatient therapy 3 times a week
• daily attendance at AA and working the steps

I had to prove to her that I was going to get better because all trust has been destroyed. Over 3 years down the road she still does not trust me a hundred percent but it is a whole lot better than it was. it is the actions that make the difference because promises mean nothing to love ones.

Nighthawk8820

Maybe worry less about what he and others are thinking, and focus more on how you are screwing yourself over by continuing to drink? You have the choice to change and enjoy your life, or carry on down the miserable road of alcoholism (and it doesnt ever end well). Whatever you are doing now to try and be sober isnt working, so its time to re-evaluate and come up with a new game plan. You can free yourself from this and change everything, but you have to have a solid plan and put in the work. He will forgive you, but actions speak louder than words. Saying sorry over and over, just gets old and hollow.

Louise82

Welcome back Black Bird. Congrats on day one. In time, you husband will see that you're truly sorry if your stay sober one day at a time and work earnestly and honestly on your recovery.

It's great that you called your sponsor and are getting to a meeting. Get a service commitment too if you didn't have one before. I'm also back in AA after a drinking binge and so many people I've talked to have said that getting a service commitment will help keep me sober this time. So I volunteered for my first ever one this morning and am psyched to get started next week!

wiscsober

Good for you....you say you are drinking alone....

but in reality

when hubby gets home...you are no longer under the influence alone...

DisplacedGRITS

My husband has told me not to apologize for my relapses. They only upset him. The best course of action is to take action. Quietly call your sponsor and get back to meetings. The proof, they say, is in the pudding. All the apologies in the world, no matter how heartfelt and sincere, cannot compare to taking the necessary steps to get yourself back on the right path.

Anna

I agree. I got to the point where there was nothing left for me to say. And, frankly, I was sick of listening to myself. The only way for me to fix things at that point, was to show people with my actions that I was changing.

Black Bird

Thanks so much everyone! Man this day sucked! Thanks for helping so much. I just stopped talking, and got to a meeting. Grateful I stayed sober all day. Thanks again

Dee74

Hey BlackBird - like others have said - I made so many apologies over the years they were meaningless by the end.

Actions speak louder than words - do the right thing from here on in and people will respond to that - in time

D

Melina

You described me perfectly as well. I thought spooning my bf at 3 am after a bottle of wine and some pills was an affectionate and appropriate thing to do. I woke up in the guest bedroom this morning, then slowly remembered how upset he was that I woke him up. He told me this today, 'you aren't allowed to drink alone in my house when I'm sleeping. You are not gentle and you are not appropriate.' I didn't even apologize bc apologies don't even matter at this point. I just said ok and I made sure to be nice and quiet today.

If there had been more to drink in the house last night, I would have drank it and I probably would have been violent with him.

Great job on being sober today. I hope you can regain your husband's trust through your good actions. I will be cheering you on.

Black Bird

Thanks so much Melina. I will be cheering you on as well!

Black Bird

I agree dwdbt. He told me he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, the sober me. He also said he is not willing to spend another week with the drunk me. Wow! I needed to hear it. I needed to hear his pain. And to honestly know if I take one sip I would be responsible for that pain for me and him. One sip on a liquid that hurts me so much and will ruin a beautiful marriage. Mind boggling. But so totally real. Thanks all for the great advice and true talk.