What Happens If They "Find Out", if They "Know"?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,550
What Happens If They "Find Out", if They "Know"?
All during my 40 years of drinking I was obsessed with the fear that “What will happen if they find out”. What do you suppose I meant by “they”? My family? My employer? My fellow employees? Even my dog? “Oh I must do everything I can to keep ‘them’ from finding out!”
Often I would have an opportunity to go to an AA meeting, but I passed it up. Because, what might happen if I met someone I knew, perhaps a friend, someone from the church who might, despite AA anonimity, “spread the word”! Just one person, perhaps a disgruntled acquaintance, breaking the pledge of anonimity and gossip would take its course.
So I sought “counselors”, sat with them for expensive hours, trying to discover “why” I drank. Because, some of them told me, if I only knew why I drank, then as soon as I realized that my cravings would vanish. So I developed all sorts of reasons “why” and “because” and, despite thinking to know “why”, I continued to drink. And the drinking increased.
For forty years, there was something I never realized. It was this: THEY ALREADY KNEW. At times I suspected this, having heard a distant remark in a grocery store between two women who were looking in my direction: “.........bad habits.....” And once an old friend of my father’s invited me over for dinner and, despite the pretended geniality, his wife called me “feckless” when saying goodbye.
Yes, they knew. And I was “bad”, “feckless”, even a “failure”.
I didn’t really start to recover until things reached the point where I was able to say, “I don’t care if they “know”. If they don’t know already, I want them to “know”. I just want this to stop. I want to get rid of this. I don’t care what happens to me if I can somehow get free of this slavery. It’s better being a sober trash collector than a “famous” “success” enslaved to alcohol or some other mind altering substance.
Yes, they had “known” all along and, finally, I too “knew”. And from that point on my recovery began and for 25 years I haven’t had a drink.
Was it that way with you? When did you “find out”? And did “they” already “know”?
W.
Often I would have an opportunity to go to an AA meeting, but I passed it up. Because, what might happen if I met someone I knew, perhaps a friend, someone from the church who might, despite AA anonimity, “spread the word”! Just one person, perhaps a disgruntled acquaintance, breaking the pledge of anonimity and gossip would take its course.
So I sought “counselors”, sat with them for expensive hours, trying to discover “why” I drank. Because, some of them told me, if I only knew why I drank, then as soon as I realized that my cravings would vanish. So I developed all sorts of reasons “why” and “because” and, despite thinking to know “why”, I continued to drink. And the drinking increased.
For forty years, there was something I never realized. It was this: THEY ALREADY KNEW. At times I suspected this, having heard a distant remark in a grocery store between two women who were looking in my direction: “.........bad habits.....” And once an old friend of my father’s invited me over for dinner and, despite the pretended geniality, his wife called me “feckless” when saying goodbye.
Yes, they knew. And I was “bad”, “feckless”, even a “failure”.
I didn’t really start to recover until things reached the point where I was able to say, “I don’t care if they “know”. If they don’t know already, I want them to “know”. I just want this to stop. I want to get rid of this. I don’t care what happens to me if I can somehow get free of this slavery. It’s better being a sober trash collector than a “famous” “success” enslaved to alcohol or some other mind altering substance.
Yes, they had “known” all along and, finally, I too “knew”. And from that point on my recovery began and for 25 years I haven’t had a drink.
Was it that way with you? When did you “find out”? And did “they” already “know”?
W.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: North East, US
Posts: 2,310
Thank you fir sharing that and your success is remarkable!
I think I knew long before I accepted! Hell I guess I'm still trying to accept it. As far as "them" knowing only my close family hubby knew. I suffer from the quintessential tears of a clown. Even in the deepest throws if my drinking I made sure to appear to have it together to the outside world. Overcompensating for the crumbling that was going on under my perfect persona. I use to feel literally like 2 people to the outside world I was picture of perfection and then when alone those protective walls came down and I was the perfect picture of damaged goods.
Today there is no longer two people inside me. Today I am stronger then ever and don't need to fake it until I make it. I'm a work in progress and that's ok.. As long as I keep working!
I think I knew long before I accepted! Hell I guess I'm still trying to accept it. As far as "them" knowing only my close family hubby knew. I suffer from the quintessential tears of a clown. Even in the deepest throws if my drinking I made sure to appear to have it together to the outside world. Overcompensating for the crumbling that was going on under my perfect persona. I use to feel literally like 2 people to the outside world I was picture of perfection and then when alone those protective walls came down and I was the perfect picture of damaged goods.
Today there is no longer two people inside me. Today I am stronger then ever and don't need to fake it until I make it. I'm a work in progress and that's ok.. As long as I keep working!
Mini Novel Post Writer
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
Posts: 3,649
Thank you for posting that, 25 years, that is amazing and an inspiration!
Those closest to me knew. I had known for a long time but was in complete denial.
I planned my evenings based on who I could hang out with at varying stages. If there was an event where alcohol was present I started the day/evening off there but would leave (didn't always work!) before I had enough to display my situation. It was easy to leave because I could be the "social" drinker and reserve my true nature until I went to the next place. This would always be a drinking buddy's house or meeting up with them at a bar. By doing this I was able to maintain a facade for quite some time. As I said though, it didn't always work. However, even normal drinkers can screw up and do idiotic things so it was never questioned because in most cases I didn't.
I can't say that I "found out" rather than finally accepted it after waking up one morning following yet another night of arguing with my husband. I looked at all the regrets I had over the years and pain I had caused to people because of my drinking. I thought to myself "I am so SICK of this". Those words were the key because out of the many times I had quit before it was always "I'm going to quit for my husband" or "I'm going to quit for my family". This time, it was "I'm going to quit for ME".
I think why that finally worked was previously when I had quit all that I had to do was to get angry with them and I could drink. Heck, I'd invent ways to get angry!
Once I did it for me I had no excuse.
Thanks again for your post!
Those closest to me knew. I had known for a long time but was in complete denial.
I planned my evenings based on who I could hang out with at varying stages. If there was an event where alcohol was present I started the day/evening off there but would leave (didn't always work!) before I had enough to display my situation. It was easy to leave because I could be the "social" drinker and reserve my true nature until I went to the next place. This would always be a drinking buddy's house or meeting up with them at a bar. By doing this I was able to maintain a facade for quite some time. As I said though, it didn't always work. However, even normal drinkers can screw up and do idiotic things so it was never questioned because in most cases I didn't.
I can't say that I "found out" rather than finally accepted it after waking up one morning following yet another night of arguing with my husband. I looked at all the regrets I had over the years and pain I had caused to people because of my drinking. I thought to myself "I am so SICK of this". Those words were the key because out of the many times I had quit before it was always "I'm going to quit for my husband" or "I'm going to quit for my family". This time, it was "I'm going to quit for ME".
I think why that finally worked was previously when I had quit all that I had to do was to get angry with them and I could drink. Heck, I'd invent ways to get angry!
Once I did it for me I had no excuse.
Thanks again for your post!
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 212
I have been in AA for a while. I think this morning at 2am I finally said to myself, "Holy crap, you are truly an alcoholic!"
I think everyone knows I have a drinking problem. Only my hubby feels the pain of it. And I'm sure my kids do to. I am a fun drunk with friends, because one of them will always get me home before I do anything that humiliating in public. It's when everyone goes home, and I continue to drink alone for days, weeks, months, and years that most people don't know about.
I think everyone knows I have a drinking problem. Only my hubby feels the pain of it. And I'm sure my kids do to. I am a fun drunk with friends, because one of them will always get me home before I do anything that humiliating in public. It's when everyone goes home, and I continue to drink alone for days, weeks, months, and years that most people don't know about.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: CAPE COD, MA
Posts: 1,020
In my case I think more knew than I suspected as I did many tipsy things out there fortunately not serious, like passing out on a sofa. I was in denial for too long which in the last couple of years got the attention of higher powers like the police and judges. Fortunately I went to AA where the seed of recovery was planted but having alcoholic characteristics of defiance, comparing, immaturity etc I had to experiment more until I got sick and tired of being sick and tired. Then like in the movies I got better and I became comfortable in my own skin. Not all the time, most of the time, after all I 'm still recovering and at time my ism wants to run the show so I attend a flesh meeting where people understand us and usually I see a slogan that I've seen thousands of times but with the built in forgetter I need at the moment, or someone says something and my head bobs and that's the answer. BE WELL
No half measures
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: State of Confusion
Posts: 424
As long as I thought, that you thought, that I was okay, then I was okay.
This warped and twisted thinking kept me in the shame and guilt and pain of alcoholism for years. if I just acted more normal, if I was just cooler, if I just had a bigger house, or a nicer car than nobody would know that I was an alcoholic.
A friend checked myself into rehab in a suit and tie so nobody would know he was an alcoholic. this story is so tragically funny but I could see myself doing exactly the same thing.
This warped and twisted thinking kept me in the shame and guilt and pain of alcoholism for years. if I just acted more normal, if I was just cooler, if I just had a bigger house, or a nicer car than nobody would know that I was an alcoholic.
A friend checked myself into rehab in a suit and tie so nobody would know he was an alcoholic. this story is so tragically funny but I could see myself doing exactly the same thing.
Dismember
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: The Mitten, USA
Posts: 1,641
I didn't say much at first. Then I moved across the country and since I've been in a new state I've pretty much been open with everyone. It's never lead to the horrified reactions I was so scared of getting when I first quit. None of my friends have ever given a fig that I don't drink. The few dates I've gone on didn't care. I even informed my new employer. The job application asked if I had any criminal convictions, so I came out upfront and mentioned the DUI and also told them I'm in active recovery. They didn't even bring it up.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Southeast USA
Posts: 175
Things changed for me in a huge way last summer 2012. In August I found myself drunk again after thinking I really had recovery down pat. That time 4 sure! Somehow there I was DRUNK again. I really had to humble myself that time and ask a friend (fellow alcoholic) to move in and help me thru withdrawals. He did and he basically saved my life and nursed me back to health. Ever since Sept. 24th 2012 I WANT people to know that I am a recovering alcoholic. I believe it takes an alcoholic to help an alcoholic. At least in my case it did.
I want the world to see me rebuild a life broken by alcohol. Somehow I guess I'm wanting to help change the publics idea that there is no hope for what many see as useless addicts of any kind.
The problem I have encountered is that my friends try to stop me from talking about the fact that I am in recovery? They say things like "no one needs to know your business" or "People won't like you if they know you were a drunk". I guess for me I have to follow my heart and just share with those who I think I can help and not go out of my way to try to change public perception?
I would like to hear your thoughts on this?
Blessings to you, Tilly
I want the world to see me rebuild a life broken by alcohol. Somehow I guess I'm wanting to help change the publics idea that there is no hope for what many see as useless addicts of any kind.
The problem I have encountered is that my friends try to stop me from talking about the fact that I am in recovery? They say things like "no one needs to know your business" or "People won't like you if they know you were a drunk". I guess for me I have to follow my heart and just share with those who I think I can help and not go out of my way to try to change public perception?
I would like to hear your thoughts on this?
Blessings to you, Tilly
Nothing is impossible!
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: EAGAN
Posts: 792
Originally Posted by wpainterw 
All during my 40 years of drinking I was obsessed with the fear that “What will happen if they find out”. What do you suppose I meant by “they”? My family? My employer? My fellow employees? Even my dog? “Oh I must do everything I can to keep ‘them’ from finding out!”
Often I would have an opportunity to go to an AA meeting, but I passed it up. Because, what might happen if I met someone I knew, perhaps a friend, someone from the church who might, despite AA anonimity, “spread the word”! Just one person, perhaps a disgruntled acquaintance, breaking the pledge of anonimity and gossip would take its course.
So I sought “counselors”, sat with them for expensive hours, trying to discover “why” I drank. Because, some of them told me, if I only knew why I drank, then as soon as I realized that my cravings would vanish. So I developed all sorts of reasons “why” and “because” and, despite thinking to know “why”, I continued to drink. And the drinking increased.
For forty years, there was something I never realized. It was this: THEY ALREADY KNEW. At times I suspected this, having heard a distant remark in a grocery store between two women who were looking in my direction: “.........bad habits.....” And once an old friend of my father’s invited me over for dinner and, despite the pretended geniality, his wife called me “feckless” when saying goodbye.
Yes, they knew. And I was “bad”, “feckless”, even a “failure”.
I didn’t really start to recover until things reached the point where I was able to say, “I don’t care if they “know”. If they don’t know already, I want them to “know”. I just want this to stop. I want to get rid of this. I don’t care what happens to me if I can somehow get free of this slavery. It’s better being a sober trash collector than a “famous” “success” enslaved to alcohol or some other mind altering substance.
Yes, they had “known” all along and, finally, I too “knew”. And from that point on my recovery began and for 25 years I haven’t had a drink.
Was it that way with you? When did you “find out”? And did “they” already “know”?
W.
Often I would have an opportunity to go to an AA meeting, but I passed it up. Because, what might happen if I met someone I knew, perhaps a friend, someone from the church who might, despite AA anonimity, “spread the word”! Just one person, perhaps a disgruntled acquaintance, breaking the pledge of anonimity and gossip would take its course.
So I sought “counselors”, sat with them for expensive hours, trying to discover “why” I drank. Because, some of them told me, if I only knew why I drank, then as soon as I realized that my cravings would vanish. So I developed all sorts of reasons “why” and “because” and, despite thinking to know “why”, I continued to drink. And the drinking increased.
For forty years, there was something I never realized. It was this: THEY ALREADY KNEW. At times I suspected this, having heard a distant remark in a grocery store between two women who were looking in my direction: “.........bad habits.....” And once an old friend of my father’s invited me over for dinner and, despite the pretended geniality, his wife called me “feckless” when saying goodbye.
Yes, they knew. And I was “bad”, “feckless”, even a “failure”.
I didn’t really start to recover until things reached the point where I was able to say, “I don’t care if they “know”. If they don’t know already, I want them to “know”. I just want this to stop. I want to get rid of this. I don’t care what happens to me if I can somehow get free of this slavery. It’s better being a sober trash collector than a “famous” “success” enslaved to alcohol or some other mind altering substance.
Yes, they had “known” all along and, finally, I too “knew”. And from that point on my recovery began and for 25 years I haven’t had a drink.
Was it that way with you? When did you “find out”? And did “they” already “know”?
W.
Hiding anything is exhausting to say the least. Ive spent the majority of my life hiding things, and thinking I was doing an impressive job at it. Hiding my sexuality for years, hiding my anxiety, hiding my fear, hiding my sensitive side, hiding my addiction. Its all SO much work, its like a full time job and then some. I feel free being sober, but the most freeing aspect is not having to put in all that work hiding myself from the world and who I am now. Im so much more at ease and much more relaxed. Its nice to finally be myself and not always trying to fit someone else's idea of how I should live or who I should be. Even with anxiety, which I think I will always have on some level, I just say "I feel anxious today" or " I am WAY to hyper". Just telling that to whoever I am with, my coworkers, whoever, makes it go away and I feel better. Hiding it made it worse, it made everything worse.
Nothing is impossible!
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: EAGAN
Posts: 792
Originally Posted by MatildaRose
Things changed for me in a huge way last summer 2012. In August I found myself drunk again after thinking I really had recovery down pat. That time 4 sure! Somehow there I was DRUNK again. I really had to humble myself that time and ask a friend (fellow alcoholic) to move in and help me thru withdrawals. He did and he basically saved my life and nursed me back to health. Ever since Sept. 24th 2012 I WANT people to know that I am a recovering alcoholic. I believe it takes an alcoholic to help an alcoholic. At least in my case it did.
I want the world to see me rebuild a life broken by alcohol. Somehow I guess I'm wanting to help change the publics idea that there is no hope for what many see as useless addicts of any kind.
The problem I have encountered is that my friends try to stop me from talking about the fact that I am in recovery? They say things like "no one needs to know your business" or "People won't like you if they know you were a drunk". I guess for me I have to follow my heart and just share with those who I think I can help and not go out of my way to try to change public perception?
I would like to hear your thoughts on this?
Blessings to you, Tilly
I want the world to see me rebuild a life broken by alcohol. Somehow I guess I'm wanting to help change the publics idea that there is no hope for what many see as useless addicts of any kind.
The problem I have encountered is that my friends try to stop me from talking about the fact that I am in recovery? They say things like "no one needs to know your business" or "People won't like you if they know you were a drunk". I guess for me I have to follow my heart and just share with those who I think I can help and not go out of my way to try to change public perception?
I would like to hear your thoughts on this?
Blessings to you, Tilly
My dad is the opposite, he works as a counselor for addicts and is open in that setting, but doesnt talk about it with friends and family. I dont see the shame in admitting it, and will talk openly about it anytime the topic is brought up. Sharing my story keeps me humble and reminds me of where I was and how much work I put in to get to the place I am in today. If I can help one person by sharing my own trials and tribulations, then that is golden to me.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
From a non-alcoholic:
When we first get to know you we think you like to drink some.
After a short while we realize you like to drink a lot.
A short while after that, and it's the same as me, if I was standing in front of you right now, looking at you, and asking if you can see the nose on my face, and I not believing you can really see it.
Would you laugh?
When we first get to know you we think you like to drink some.
After a short while we realize you like to drink a lot.
A short while after that, and it's the same as me, if I was standing in front of you right now, looking at you, and asking if you can see the nose on my face, and I not believing you can really see it.
Would you laugh?
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 262
I'm so paranoid that I assume a stranger passing by me knows all my problems. I just try to tell myself "hey, I'm working on myself and I bet they have their own baggabe as well." When I am not drinking I feel more confident and self-assured. I get more rest and do better at work. Everything is more clear. But I am new at sobriety... again. I just keep on trying. It's all I can do.
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
I think "they" knew about my drinking for a while now... I'm certain the family members, friends and colleagues closest to me knew.
But I dropped out of contact with all but 2 or 3 of them over 3 years ago. I keep in contact with my grandfather, dad, and my closest friend. I don't care what the rest know or think of me. And those 3 I've kept in my life wholeheartedly cheer me on and are very proud of me. Those 3, my husband, and whoever I associate with at Continuing Care and WFS meetings are my sole contacts these days. My therapist is paid so she isn't considered a friend.
I feel free to discuss with all these people my addiction and recovery. I don't hold back with them. Transparency is important to a person in recovery.
The way I see it... alcohol kept me from living an authentic life, and for this next part of my life I intend to live authentically and with courage, honesty and integrity.
Sent from my iPhone using SoberRecovery
But I dropped out of contact with all but 2 or 3 of them over 3 years ago. I keep in contact with my grandfather, dad, and my closest friend. I don't care what the rest know or think of me. And those 3 I've kept in my life wholeheartedly cheer me on and are very proud of me. Those 3, my husband, and whoever I associate with at Continuing Care and WFS meetings are my sole contacts these days. My therapist is paid so she isn't considered a friend.
I feel free to discuss with all these people my addiction and recovery. I don't hold back with them. Transparency is important to a person in recovery.
The way I see it... alcohol kept me from living an authentic life, and for this next part of my life I intend to live authentically and with courage, honesty and integrity.
Sent from my iPhone using SoberRecovery
Guest
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Somewhere in Wisconsin
Posts: 661
I never admitted my addiction to alcohol to family and friends until the day I decided to quit for good. On that day, I called all family members and emailed friends telling them I am an alcoholic and I was planning on quitting. It was fairly easy to admit my alcoholism once I made the decision to quit, but prior to that decision, I mostly hid that aspect of myself and never talked about it. The reactions I received were all positive--surprisingly, even from people who continue to get drunk. I really expected the people in my life that still drink to minimize or downplay my addiction, but instead they have all been supportive and are "impressed" with me.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
Yes, "they" knew. I heard a lot of talk about "controlling", "eating food before", " it was a unique situation". I, I always knew. I tried many many times to get away from the problem, to solve, to talk myself into a few, vowing to never repeat the same mistake. I always knew that sooner or later, I would have to face the inevitable.
So, my world came crashing down around me, and i was not with the people who loved and understood me. I was not with the people that could justify my behaviors. I was with strangers, and this time my alcoholism could not be masked over by the comforting words that people who love you say. I had finally came face to face with the one thing that I knew was going to happen. Would I change it? Doubtful.
As hard as that day was, as humiliated as I felt, I would not change that situation at all. If it did not happen, I would not be here dealing with my alcoholism. I would still be hiding from the truth, or not listening to the voice that I ignored for so long.
I am thankful that my mornings are filled with coffee, and not a deathly headache with no memories of what I may have done.
Even now, in my home, it is hard to speak of my alcoholism with full acceptance from my partner. He still drinks, and he shuts down when the conversation is brought up. This is not my deal, and I stand strong in my resolve.
If i want anything to happen in my life that is positive, the bottle stays at the store. For those that have known of my alcoholism, well alright then. We are not perfect humans. Judgement does not scare me. I would rather people know and see me do something about it.
So, my world came crashing down around me, and i was not with the people who loved and understood me. I was not with the people that could justify my behaviors. I was with strangers, and this time my alcoholism could not be masked over by the comforting words that people who love you say. I had finally came face to face with the one thing that I knew was going to happen. Would I change it? Doubtful.
As hard as that day was, as humiliated as I felt, I would not change that situation at all. If it did not happen, I would not be here dealing with my alcoholism. I would still be hiding from the truth, or not listening to the voice that I ignored for so long.
I am thankful that my mornings are filled with coffee, and not a deathly headache with no memories of what I may have done.
Even now, in my home, it is hard to speak of my alcoholism with full acceptance from my partner. He still drinks, and he shuts down when the conversation is brought up. This is not my deal, and I stand strong in my resolve.
If i want anything to happen in my life that is positive, the bottle stays at the store. For those that have known of my alcoholism, well alright then. We are not perfect humans. Judgement does not scare me. I would rather people know and see me do something about it.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,393
I relate. Yes, some knew and some didn't. But not caring is the best. Because I have nothing to hide now. So they can ask whatever questions they want. No guilt. Lots of pride in having this out in the open. It's very freeing. 
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,550
Nighthawk wrote: "I dont see the shame in admitting it, and will talk openly about it anytime the topic is brought up. Sharing my story keeps me humble and reminds me of where I was and how much work I put in to get to the place I am in today. If I can help one person by sharing my own trials and tribulations, then that is golden to me."
This is where I am. Where I want to be. I'm with you, Nighthawk. After all those years and with only a few years left to go I don't care if some folks may choose not to like me because I was an alcoholic. I don't have time for them. For me, it's payback time. If I can help only one person who is where I was back then then that's "golden" for me too. To me it's not a duty. It's an enormous privilege if I can help someone.
W.
This is where I am. Where I want to be. I'm with you, Nighthawk. After all those years and with only a few years left to go I don't care if some folks may choose not to like me because I was an alcoholic. I don't have time for them. For me, it's payback time. If I can help only one person who is where I was back then then that's "golden" for me too. To me it's not a duty. It's an enormous privilege if I can help someone.
W.
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
Wpainterw, I just want you to know that I've always found your posts very inspirational. I don't know if I've ever told you that or not, but wanted to tell you today 
I learn lots from you! I always read carefully the things that you post on here.
I learn lots from you! I always read carefully the things that you post on here.
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