Is there help?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Posts: 1
Is there help?
Hello,
I am trying to reach out for advice and support. I have been with my fiancé now for 1 year and 8 months. He moved into my apartment this past November and that is when we also got engaged, however, that since has dissolved due to his alcohol abuse. Prior to him moving in, we dated and I would stay at his place a few nights a week and then he took a position in St. Louis that kept him there 3 months and I visited him almost every weekend, we live in Wisconsin, so it is not far. My experience with him prior to him moving in was very good. He hid is alcohol abuse from me quite well with what I now know are lies. He returned from St. Louis in November which he said was because he did not want to be far away from me and the job was not worth it, What I now know to be true is that he simply stopped working while there and drank for a couple weeks and hid himself away in his apartment and was let go. He gained employment here in December but that did not last but a couple of weeks when I saw him take a day off then two and it turned into weeks of me coming home to find him in bed, but he hid the alcohol and claimed he was not drinking but it was clearly evident. He reached a point that he had to go to the hospital for detox. This pattern of working and then falling off has continued since and now he's for the first time become very verbally abusive and somewhat physically abusive towards me. He makes promises after promises of change and that he will get help. I've gone with him to get help in a group format and he said that was not for him and now of recent, he's gone for one on one counseling, that has just been 1 session. I have asked his family to help me with him but they have turned their backs. I have asked his close friend and mentor, he will be more then happy to help and talk to him when he's sober but not until then. I mainly want to ask, what do I do? I am scared to go home, to my own home where I pay all the bills on my own, rent, electricity, etc, he does not contribute financially at all. I have asked him to leave repeatedly and he will not, he just asks for more time and has no money or a place to go, but continues to drink. I have pleaded with him to go to detox and get help, he says that's what he wants but does the opposite. Last night I stayed in a hotel to just be safe and away from him. He's threatened me if I call the police to get him out. I have no idea what to do anymore, all I can think is to move out of my own place that is filled with my things and I am responsible for financially. I am in a crazy place of fear and confusion. Can anyone share any advice?
I am trying to reach out for advice and support. I have been with my fiancé now for 1 year and 8 months. He moved into my apartment this past November and that is when we also got engaged, however, that since has dissolved due to his alcohol abuse. Prior to him moving in, we dated and I would stay at his place a few nights a week and then he took a position in St. Louis that kept him there 3 months and I visited him almost every weekend, we live in Wisconsin, so it is not far. My experience with him prior to him moving in was very good. He hid is alcohol abuse from me quite well with what I now know are lies. He returned from St. Louis in November which he said was because he did not want to be far away from me and the job was not worth it, What I now know to be true is that he simply stopped working while there and drank for a couple weeks and hid himself away in his apartment and was let go. He gained employment here in December but that did not last but a couple of weeks when I saw him take a day off then two and it turned into weeks of me coming home to find him in bed, but he hid the alcohol and claimed he was not drinking but it was clearly evident. He reached a point that he had to go to the hospital for detox. This pattern of working and then falling off has continued since and now he's for the first time become very verbally abusive and somewhat physically abusive towards me. He makes promises after promises of change and that he will get help. I've gone with him to get help in a group format and he said that was not for him and now of recent, he's gone for one on one counseling, that has just been 1 session. I have asked his family to help me with him but they have turned their backs. I have asked his close friend and mentor, he will be more then happy to help and talk to him when he's sober but not until then. I mainly want to ask, what do I do? I am scared to go home, to my own home where I pay all the bills on my own, rent, electricity, etc, he does not contribute financially at all. I have asked him to leave repeatedly and he will not, he just asks for more time and has no money or a place to go, but continues to drink. I have pleaded with him to go to detox and get help, he says that's what he wants but does the opposite. Last night I stayed in a hotel to just be safe and away from him. He's threatened me if I call the police to get him out. I have no idea what to do anymore, all I can think is to move out of my own place that is filled with my things and I am responsible for financially. I am in a crazy place of fear and confusion. Can anyone share any advice?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 4,966
Heartful,
I am so sorry that you find yourself in such a scary and emotionally draining situation.
I am no expert on domestic violence so I don't really know if I'm giving you the correct advice. Are there any domestic violence organizations there in Milwaukee? If so, could you call them to ask for advice?
I wanted to tell you to call the police and have him legally removed. You said he threatened to hurt you if you do that. Is it possible to get a restraining order in place immediately after he is removed? Then, if he comes back you can call the police and have him arrested.
Moving out without your belongings would not be fair to you.
Let us know how it goes.
Take care
I am so sorry that you find yourself in such a scary and emotionally draining situation.
I am no expert on domestic violence so I don't really know if I'm giving you the correct advice. Are there any domestic violence organizations there in Milwaukee? If so, could you call them to ask for advice?
I wanted to tell you to call the police and have him legally removed. You said he threatened to hurt you if you do that. Is it possible to get a restraining order in place immediately after he is removed? Then, if he comes back you can call the police and have him arrested.
Moving out without your belongings would not be fair to you.
Let us know how it goes.
Take care
Guest
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Somewhere in Wisconsin
Posts: 661
Is there any way you can move out of your apartment and move to a new apartment? By the way, I live in Wisconsin too and if he is threatening to hurt you, you can call the cops and they WILL throw him in jail.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Melbourne Australia.
Posts: 3,748
It sound as if things are getting dangerously serious for you.
Unless he is really ready to take action relevant to his condition things can only get worse.
Promises made on the basis of your support and virtually keeping him are shallow and may even be seen as encouraging him to persist in the way he is behaving.
Police action seems in order relevant to threats being made and the fact that no remedial action of any sort is planned or taking place. His friend and mentor does not seem to be achieving anything; there are organizations such as AA that can help, but the individual cannot continue to self indulge in alcoholic escapism.
You may have to act very firmly on the basis of things becoming even more traumatic if you don't. My prayers are with you..
Unless he is really ready to take action relevant to his condition things can only get worse.
Promises made on the basis of your support and virtually keeping him are shallow and may even be seen as encouraging him to persist in the way he is behaving.
Police action seems in order relevant to threats being made and the fact that no remedial action of any sort is planned or taking place. His friend and mentor does not seem to be achieving anything; there are organizations such as AA that can help, but the individual cannot continue to self indulge in alcoholic escapism.
You may have to act very firmly on the basis of things becoming even more traumatic if you don't. My prayers are with you..
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Hi Heartfull
I'm very sorry for your situation. I'm unsure as to what to advise as I'm in a different country.
I would not be wanting that situation to continue tho - whether he moves or you do, someone has to.
I recommend you check out our Family and Friends forum too - perhaps even take your question there - there's a lot of wisdom and experience down there in these kinds of matters.
D
I'm very sorry for your situation. I'm unsure as to what to advise as I'm in a different country.
I would not be wanting that situation to continue tho - whether he moves or you do, someone has to.
I recommend you check out our Family and Friends forum too - perhaps even take your question there - there's a lot of wisdom and experience down there in these kinds of matters.
D
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello Heartfull and Welcome to SR!!
Those of us who have a loved one, family member, significant other, parent or child, who is an alcoholic know just exactly how heartbreaking and sometimes frightening this can be.
If you feel comfortable doing so, please introduce yourself over in the Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum. There you will find many, many people who completely understand what you are going through.
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
I hope you know that you DO NOT deserve to be hurt or abused in any way. Please check out this link. We have collected a wide variety of information and resources for anyone who is experiencing abuse. When leaving an abusive situation, it is always good to have a plan--and there is a lot of great information here to help with that.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html
Welcome, again! You are not alone!!
Those of us who have a loved one, family member, significant other, parent or child, who is an alcoholic know just exactly how heartbreaking and sometimes frightening this can be.
If you feel comfortable doing so, please introduce yourself over in the Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum. There you will find many, many people who completely understand what you are going through.
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
I hope you know that you DO NOT deserve to be hurt or abused in any way. Please check out this link. We have collected a wide variety of information and resources for anyone who is experiencing abuse. When leaving an abusive situation, it is always good to have a plan--and there is a lot of great information here to help with that.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html
Welcome, again! You are not alone!!
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
He is clearly abusive and you need to get out of there. Here's some links to resources in your area. 
Milwaukee Women's Center | Community Advocates
Milwaukee Domestic violence shelters | Domestic violence shelters in Milwaukee, WI - YP.com
Milwaukee Women's Center | Community Advocates
Milwaukee Domestic violence shelters | Domestic violence shelters in Milwaukee, WI - YP.com
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Please know that you have landed among terrific people, heartfull.
I am a survivor of domestic violence, but had no idea there were resources out there to help me when I was with my ex.
This looks like a terrific place to start for your area:
Milwaukee Women's Center | Community Advocates
Please reach out for help.
I was incredibly blessed to get out of that marriage alive. A lot of women don't.
Sending you hugs from hot, humid, stormy Kansas!
I am a survivor of domestic violence, but had no idea there were resources out there to help me when I was with my ex.
This looks like a terrific place to start for your area:
Milwaukee Women's Center | Community Advocates
Please reach out for help.
I was incredibly blessed to get out of that marriage alive. A lot of women don't.
Sending you hugs from hot, humid, stormy Kansas!
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