Officially Divorced. I feel weird...
My emotional baggage
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 285
Officially Divorced. I feel weird...
Well, it was made official today. I am officially divorced. I am officially divorced. I need to keep saying it to make it real.
Oh I just realized is label here changed also. I met my AXH when I was 22 years old. I was married to him for 14 years and started dating him 18 years ago. Almost half my life.
He started drinking about the last 10 years of our marriage. He was abusive verbally and could be a physically scary. I have been living apart from him for two years. When he had to stand up in court and swear in and state that there were irreconcilable differences. I still wept. Not enough he could see but I could not help myself. For the way it was in the beginning. For the way I thought it was going to be. For my kids hoping we would get back together...
I am sitting here crying typing this. Divorce is awful. Even if it is the best thing for you. He gave me PTSD for Crimineys sake!
There are papers that still need to be signed and numbers finalized but on paper we are divorced. I cannot believe I am crying, not sad but crying, grieving. I thought I would want to go out and celebrate. At this point I don't even want to tell anyone.
4MyBoys
Oh I just realized is label here changed also. I met my AXH when I was 22 years old. I was married to him for 14 years and started dating him 18 years ago. Almost half my life.
He started drinking about the last 10 years of our marriage. He was abusive verbally and could be a physically scary. I have been living apart from him for two years. When he had to stand up in court and swear in and state that there were irreconcilable differences. I still wept. Not enough he could see but I could not help myself. For the way it was in the beginning. For the way I thought it was going to be. For my kids hoping we would get back together...
I am sitting here crying typing this. Divorce is awful. Even if it is the best thing for you. He gave me PTSD for Crimineys sake!
There are papers that still need to be signed and numbers finalized but on paper we are divorced. I cannot believe I am crying, not sad but crying, grieving. I thought I would want to go out and celebrate. At this point I don't even want to tell anyone.
4MyBoys
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
4MyBoys, I think your reaction is pretty common. Any human endeavor of the heart that dies is a cause for mourning. I am sure that you are grieving the loss of the dream that you worked so hard toward at one time.
However, today's blues will pass and become just memory after the grieving is over.
You did what you had to do to make a tomorrow possible--don't forget this.
dandylion
However, today's blues will pass and become just memory after the grieving is over.
You did what you had to do to make a tomorrow possible--don't forget this.
dandylion
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I thought I would want to go out and celebrate. At this point I don't even want to tell anyone.
I said for months that when my divorce was FINALLY over and I was FINALLY free, I would dance in the streets and go buy myself a really expensive bottle of champagne to celebrate.
Guess what I did?
The hearing was in the morning and over in 30 minutes. So I went to work. Felt nothing. I was almost disappointed at how little I felt. I didn't feel sad. I certainly didn't feel like either drinking champagne or dancing in the streets. I just felt empty.
It's OK. It's OK to grieve the dream. Just because it's the right thing doesn't make it easy, you know? Be gentle with yourself and let yourself feel whatever it is you have to feel right now. You'll be OK.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 565
So sorry you are feeling sad and strange. I do understand.
My divorce became final on our firstborn daughter's birthday, coincidentally. Gross! I had hoped for a final date that could feel more like closure, and less like ripping out my guts. (my XH is not an A; we were married 15 years. We just "grew apart.")
Divorce is complicated, and sad, no matter what the cause; and you are allowed to have complicated, sad feelings. Just take care of yourself, take a bath, or have a cup of your favorite tea. Pamper yourself. It's ok to grieve. I believe it is worse and lasts longer if you try to push the feelings away.
My divorce became final on our firstborn daughter's birthday, coincidentally. Gross! I had hoped for a final date that could feel more like closure, and less like ripping out my guts. (my XH is not an A; we were married 15 years. We just "grew apart.")
Divorce is complicated, and sad, no matter what the cause; and you are allowed to have complicated, sad feelings. Just take care of yourself, take a bath, or have a cup of your favorite tea. Pamper yourself. It's ok to grieve. I believe it is worse and lasts longer if you try to push the feelings away.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Many hugs to you. I had the most amicable of divorces nine years ago and I still went through a deep grieving process. Today, I am lucky and grateful to be able to see he and I are friends.
Take care of you today and in the days to come. Hug your boys, bask in their youth, and turn your face to the sun. Sending you strength and most of all, peace.
Take care of you today and in the days to come. Hug your boys, bask in their youth, and turn your face to the sun. Sending you strength and most of all, peace.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
I have never felt such acute sadness before as when I found out I was officially divorced.
Except when I had lost family members (to death).
I am not glad for how you are feeling, but I am glad that you are allowing yourself to feel it. For me it passed quickly but it was really hard.
Except when I had lost family members (to death).
I am not glad for how you are feeling, but I am glad that you are allowing yourself to feel it. For me it passed quickly but it was really hard.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 391
(((((((4MyBoys)))))))
Why is it that it takes that finality of the process for the grieving to kick in? I suppose it makes it tangible....but really, today is not much different than yesterday.
You have been through so much and been such a rock! I am happy for you that this part has come to a close. But I get how it doesn't feel very celebratory.
I am sending you lots of hugs.
Take good care you.
MamaKit
Why is it that it takes that finality of the process for the grieving to kick in? I suppose it makes it tangible....but really, today is not much different than yesterday.
You have been through so much and been such a rock! I am happy for you that this part has come to a close. But I get how it doesn't feel very celebratory.
I am sending you lots of hugs.
Take good care you.
MamaKit
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
I understand also. It was supposed to be the happiest day of my life. Got congrats from so many people. I had an 18 month battle with this divorce, and we weren't even fighting over children. It was a clear cut divorce. I should have been happy. It is the beginning of the grieving process. It just feels like you battled for so long, now you can sit down and relax and start to grieve.
Another thing that I was feeling was like it was just all business like stuff. A marriage isn't that, it's emotional. But in the end, it's just business. Like the marriage meant nothing.
Just love yourself tonight and your boys.
Another thing that I was feeling was like it was just all business like stuff. A marriage isn't that, it's emotional. But in the end, it's just business. Like the marriage meant nothing.
Just love yourself tonight and your boys.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hugs, 4,
I was the one who wanted out of my marriage to my first husband (who had been sober 15 years and was a decent guy) and I still felt terribly sad the day he called me to tell me it was final (he went to court, I didn't, though we had worked everything out).
Just give yourself some time to process it. It will feel weird for a little while. I felt weird after I got married (both times), too. It's like your identity has been misplaced, and it takes a little while to find it again.
Be extra nice to yourself this weekend.
I was the one who wanted out of my marriage to my first husband (who had been sober 15 years and was a decent guy) and I still felt terribly sad the day he called me to tell me it was final (he went to court, I didn't, though we had worked everything out).
Just give yourself some time to process it. It will feel weird for a little while. I felt weird after I got married (both times), too. It's like your identity has been misplaced, and it takes a little while to find it again.
Be extra nice to yourself this weekend.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: somewhere south
Posts: 510
Hugs and more hugs. I can't offer any experience because I'm not there yet but will be someday. It's totally normal to feel the way you do. Just remind yourself the "end" so to speak has already happened long ago. This is just the paperwork. Take time to grieve the dream of the past and go and make a better than ever future! Good things are ahead just waiting for you to be ready to accept them. You are so strong and your boys are so lucky to have a Mom as great as you are.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
Even when it's the right decision, divorce is difficult. The end of a marriage is like a death, and it takes time to grieve the loss of what could have been.
Give yourself time to grieve. You are in a better place, transitioning to a new life. You will look back, as many of us have, and be grateful for the lessons. You will be happier.
Hugs to you.
Give yourself time to grieve. You are in a better place, transitioning to a new life. You will look back, as many of us have, and be grateful for the lessons. You will be happier.
Hugs to you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Central Florida
Posts: 976
4 MyBoys,
It's funny, I was just thinking that my divorce was final 10 years ago July 30. That day came and went and I didn't even realize it until 3 days later. Time heals all. I cried too in the court house, and I'm the one who wanted it. My XAH didn't even show up.
I think it's only natural to grieve for what used to be and what might have been. You should let yourself do that, it's healthy. Now, your future is a big beautiful blank canvas, you can make it anything you want it to be. It's very exciting once you get to that point emotionally.
Shortly after my divorce, I bought myself a ring with a big crystal clear blue topaz stone to wear on my left ring finger. It's just as blue as the sky on a clear day. It's purpose is to symbolize for me that the sky is the limit and I can do anything I put my mind too.
Best wishes to you!
It's funny, I was just thinking that my divorce was final 10 years ago July 30. That day came and went and I didn't even realize it until 3 days later. Time heals all. I cried too in the court house, and I'm the one who wanted it. My XAH didn't even show up.
I think it's only natural to grieve for what used to be and what might have been. You should let yourself do that, it's healthy. Now, your future is a big beautiful blank canvas, you can make it anything you want it to be. It's very exciting once you get to that point emotionally.
Shortly after my divorce, I bought myself a ring with a big crystal clear blue topaz stone to wear on my left ring finger. It's just as blue as the sky on a clear day. It's purpose is to symbolize for me that the sky is the limit and I can do anything I put my mind too.
Best wishes to you!
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 1,218
Originally Posted by 4MyBoys 
Well, it was made official today. I am officially divorced. I am officially divorced. I need to keep saying it to make it real.
Oh I just realized is label here changed also. I met my AXH when I was 22 years old. I was married to him for 14 years and started dating him 18 years ago. Almost half my life.
He started drinking about the last 10 years of our marriage. He was abusive verbally and could be a physically scary. I have been living apart from him for two years. When he had to stand up in court and swear in and state that there were irreconcilable differences. I still wept. Not enough he could see but I could not help myself. For the way it was in the beginning. For the way I thought it was going to be. For my kids hoping we would get back together...
I am sitting here crying typing this. Divorce is awful. Even if it is the best thing for you. He gave me PTSD for Crimineys sake!
There are papers that still need to be signed and numbers finalized but on paper we are divorced. I cannot believe I am crying, not sad but crying, grieving. I thought I would want to go out and celebrate. At this point I don't even want to tell anyone.
4MyBoys
Oh I just realized is label here changed also. I met my AXH when I was 22 years old. I was married to him for 14 years and started dating him 18 years ago. Almost half my life.
He started drinking about the last 10 years of our marriage. He was abusive verbally and could be a physically scary. I have been living apart from him for two years. When he had to stand up in court and swear in and state that there were irreconcilable differences. I still wept. Not enough he could see but I could not help myself. For the way it was in the beginning. For the way I thought it was going to be. For my kids hoping we would get back together...
I am sitting here crying typing this. Divorce is awful. Even if it is the best thing for you. He gave me PTSD for Crimineys sake!
There are papers that still need to be signed and numbers finalized but on paper we are divorced. I cannot believe I am crying, not sad but crying, grieving. I thought I would want to go out and celebrate. At this point I don't even want to tell anyone.
4MyBoys
What you said about the pain although it is the best thing for you, you are right. It doesn't matter if we know that we made the right choice as far as feeling pain goes. The pain at first will feel so raw and unbearable. That's ok. That's natural.
A suggestion for some closure, if you feel it would help. I'm sure it feels like a death. Maybe hold yourself a ceremony for that, to say goodbye. You can do it alone or invite some supportive people if that helps you. Write a letter. Read it. Out loud. Bury it or burn it. Then have a reception of sorts. Make something yummy, reminisce about the good if it helps, but recognize that everything must pass, and it was time.
However you want to do it, doesn't have to be exactly like that. Maybe it seems morbid. But it does feel like mourning a death. You could even look online for suggestions for that kind of "ceremony", or for other ways people have brought themselves some kind of closure. Searches including words like "divorce alcoholic closure ceremony burn letter" etc, will lead you to the ways others have dealt with it.
If not, I hope I didn't upset you with that suggestion.
I do want to say, congratulations. For your strength. You are one strong lady. Many wish they had the courage to get out. You did.
My very best to you.
Peace.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 1,218
Originally Posted by LaurenR
Shortly after my divorce, I bought myself a ring with a big crystal clear blue topaz stone to wear on my left ring finger. It's just as blue as the sky on a clear day. It's purpose is to symbolize for me that the sky is the limit and I can do anything I put my mind too.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 136
4MyBoys--I am crying right along with you. My divorce was final Aug 22, 2012, so I am coming up on the one year anniversary & still crying. Be kind to yourself--divorce does not make everything better. It is a process. You need to grieve. It is good you are crying--do not hold it back, let it out. When you spend half your life with someone and you have to divorce and when maybe it was not your first choice to do so makes it even so much more painful. I still get those "mind movies" and hear his hurtful words & keep second guessing myself to this day. Hang in there. Make sure you talk about it, do not keep it in. PTSD is common from this type of marriage & divorce & the best remedy is to talk about it, not push it to the side. Find someone you can confide in and willing to help even if it hits you at 2 AM. I had one person that no matter what time of day she was there for me--you need that person. My husband was a witness to my life and then all of a sudden he was gone & it was like I was gone too. Try to touch base with people that knew you before your marriage and create a new life. It will be long & slow, it will not be easy but you achieved a major hurdle already and you are on your way. My thoughts are with you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
4myboys,
I am so sorry that the divorce isn't something to celebrate. I think divorce is confusing. You want it, it's a lot of work (A full time job for some of us practically) and it costs a fortune.
So when you get there it should feel like you've accomplished what you went after. Right?
But who wants a lousy divorce. I am still in the midst, but Right now I can see how things were rough, they are still rough, and they may very well remain - rough.
Rats. But I don't see a better option.
I am so sorry that the divorce isn't something to celebrate. I think divorce is confusing. You want it, it's a lot of work (A full time job for some of us practically) and it costs a fortune.
So when you get there it should feel like you've accomplished what you went after. Right?
But who wants a lousy divorce. I am still in the midst, but Right now I can see how things were rough, they are still rough, and they may very well remain - rough.
Rats. But I don't see a better option.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
august 1st was one of my former anniversaries...last ex...had we remained married it would have been 20 years!!!? it wasn't a SAD realization...but still stunning....I left 11+ years ago...amicably, definitely MY choice. it was one of those moments of passage....milestones....times when my life took a hard right....
feel what you feel hon. let it be. acknowledge that this IS a significant life event for you.
feel what you feel hon. let it be. acknowledge that this IS a significant life event for you.
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