Can I say this to AH?
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Can I say this to AH?
Well, AH got drunk again last night and raged at me. When he tried to wake me up at 520am to drive him to work I told him I wasn't going anywhere with him.
He texted me frantically all day, apologizing, saying he was going to go to AA. (yes, please laugh out loud at that one too) wanting to know what I was going to do. Was I taking the kids? He needed to know RIGHT NOW!!!
None of this is new. None of it. I mean, it's been happening for 15 freaking years. The only thing that's different is that I do not engage. I don't want to fight, I don't want to win, I don't want him to stop drinking I just want this to be over with and to get on with my life.
I used to rage at him, threaten to leave.
What I want to say is this:
I do not give a **** about what you do. Go **** yourself. Get an attorney.
But instead I keep packing. I need to be living somewhere else by September 3, when the kids go back to school. For now, we can go camping and stay with friends, but once school is back in we'll need a real roof over our heads.
I'm working on keeping out of that spiral that leads downward, also keeping the anger level down, which for me is very important. Anger keeps me here, prevents me from living fully .
He texted me frantically all day, apologizing, saying he was going to go to AA. (yes, please laugh out loud at that one too) wanting to know what I was going to do. Was I taking the kids? He needed to know RIGHT NOW!!!
None of this is new. None of it. I mean, it's been happening for 15 freaking years. The only thing that's different is that I do not engage. I don't want to fight, I don't want to win, I don't want him to stop drinking I just want this to be over with and to get on with my life.
I used to rage at him, threaten to leave.
What I want to say is this:
I do not give a **** about what you do. Go **** yourself. Get an attorney.
But instead I keep packing. I need to be living somewhere else by September 3, when the kids go back to school. For now, we can go camping and stay with friends, but once school is back in we'll need a real roof over our heads.
I'm working on keeping out of that spiral that leads downward, also keeping the anger level down, which for me is very important. Anger keeps me here, prevents me from living fully .
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 391
Transform,
I suppose you could say that to him. It is not the worst thing someone said to another person. The bigger question is why would you say that?
You noted that anger keeps you there and you are ready to move on....that comment sounds like anger to me (albeit completely justified and normal).
Save your energy for finding a new place to live. That's a big enough task and you can funnel all of that into the search.
You are taking brave steps forward, you are not engaging, you are packing up, you are moving on....don't go back to raging. That's the wrong direction.
If you must say something, you could say that you simply have chosen not to live this way anymore. period.
You are being very brave and strong. Hang in there and good luck finding a place. Keep us posted.
Hugs and support,
MamaKit
I suppose you could say that to him. It is not the worst thing someone said to another person. The bigger question is why would you say that?
You noted that anger keeps you there and you are ready to move on....that comment sounds like anger to me (albeit completely justified and normal).
Save your energy for finding a new place to live. That's a big enough task and you can funnel all of that into the search.
You are taking brave steps forward, you are not engaging, you are packing up, you are moving on....don't go back to raging. That's the wrong direction.
If you must say something, you could say that you simply have chosen not to live this way anymore. period.
You are being very brave and strong. Hang in there and good luck finding a place. Keep us posted.
Hugs and support,
MamaKit
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Lexi- I guess. I won't say it to him, though. Need to stay away. and not engage.
I know you're an attorney, I have no money. I am utterly reliant on him for money. I am working on building my business, I freelance still and make like $500 a month. I tried to file for disability and can't because when my business partner emptied the bank account and stole everything from me, she also stole the tax records. I haven't been able to file taxes, and they need that **** to get assistance.
We don't own the house, and he pays all the bills. We also have no lease. Does this matter?
I know you're an attorney, I have no money. I am utterly reliant on him for money. I am working on building my business, I freelance still and make like $500 a month. I tried to file for disability and can't because when my business partner emptied the bank account and stole everything from me, she also stole the tax records. I haven't been able to file taxes, and they need that **** to get assistance.
We don't own the house, and he pays all the bills. We also have no lease. Does this matter?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Well, it probably doesn't matter from a legal standpoint, but you do need to talk to a lawyer and possibly come up with enough money for a retainer (which can wind up saving you money in the long run). IF you file for divorce and interim support, including the house, he can be required to pay you and the kids support and to keep up the rent and other expenses on the house. Overall it will cost less money total for a single individual to relocate to a small apartment than for him to continue to live in the house, while you and the kids need to find a place big enough for all of you. See what I mean? If there are x number of dollars to support everyone, having the larger group of people remain in the house makes better economic sense.
Again, though, you really need to discuss it with a lawyer who can give you proper legal advice--obviously I can't.
Again, though, you really need to discuss it with a lawyer who can give you proper legal advice--obviously I can't.
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Here's what I did:
Thanks Lexi. And thank you to everyone posting.
I haven't responded at all to him. He's taken me outside to apologize. I drank my tea and stared at him. He was sheepish, but amazingly said, "I have issues with you and need the house to be cleaner."
I just walked back inside. No discussion, no facemaking.
What I realized is that the single most important thing for me to do is go NC and do not break it. Even while living inthe same house. Why? Because when I break NC and we are comfortable here, I stop working hard enough to leave. Call it laziness, sickness, whatever, I don't care. I'm just sure of this one thing.
no contact = getting out of this mess
I haven't responded at all to him. He's taken me outside to apologize. I drank my tea and stared at him. He was sheepish, but amazingly said, "I have issues with you and need the house to be cleaner."
I just walked back inside. No discussion, no facemaking.
What I realized is that the single most important thing for me to do is go NC and do not break it. Even while living inthe same house. Why? Because when I break NC and we are comfortable here, I stop working hard enough to leave. Call it laziness, sickness, whatever, I don't care. I'm just sure of this one thing.
no contact = getting out of this mess
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 565
Originally Posted by transformyself 
no contact = getting out of this mess
And I have anger issues, too. In fact, my A has used this against me many times in the past, so that he can blame me for fights that started over the drinking. We are waaaay out of that cycle now, but I have to watch that pot carefully so that it doesn't boil over.
One other thought on the attorney question: When my XH (not an A) left, I had nothing and couldn't afford an atty, but got great advice and counsel from LegalAid - low cost/sliding scale legal advice. I'm sure you would qualify, if they have such a thing where you are. Good luck, T.
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Wow. Help came quickly. Thank you Creator
In the past two hours, two women have contacted me and offered help. And these are two women who I respect and can actually help me. One with therapy, the other, funding.
Thank you!
Thank you!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
I'm so glad that you walked away from that one. The apology, then how you can change, makes me want to (hey I'm not seeing that puke emoticon on here).
But seriously it sounds really good that you have friends that want to help you.
But seriously it sounds really good that you have friends that want to help you.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Ohh transformy you have gone through so much! I can't wait for you to finally get out of this situation. This man is just toxic and I wish I could share how much peace I have had in my life since I started living alone(or at least not with addicts)!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
Part of the steps in AlAnon is giving our will over to our Higher Power....whatever that is for each of us. Often times, I see people who think they are "stuck" in their situation with the A. But if they push past the fear, and trust, things work themselves out. You experienced that today with the 2 women who reached out with help. If you keep pushing forward, it may not be easy, but it will work out. It will.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Central Florida
Posts: 976
Originally Posted by transformyself
He's taken me outside to apologize. I drank my tea and stared at him. He was sheepish, but amazingly said, "I have issues with you and need the house to be cleaner."
I'm so happy to hear that you've some help.
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