Serenity1972

Hello All. I am a functioning alcoholic at the moment but I don't know how long that will last. I have been binge drinking for the past 8 plus years. I started my drinking career late in life when my mother passed away when I was 32. My father was an alcoholic and committed suicide when I was 27 years old. I am now 40. Life was hard growing up seeing my father always drunk after work but still providing for his family. I was very angry growing up watching my father bully my mother and letting the booze take over his family. But, I managed without drinking.

I swore up and down that I would never turn up like him and would be a better person. Well here I am a full blown alcoholic at the age of 40. I began my drinking career when my mother passed away 5 years after my father committed suicide. It started when I was 32. I guess I have always had alcoholic tendencies but never realized them until later in life when all the trauma hit. I really hate myself right now. I don't like who I have become. I used to be such a strong moral person and now I just empty my sorrows in a bottle. My DOC is Vodka. I have a wonderful husband who I have been with since I was 15 years old. He is so supportive but doesn't see my drinking as a problem since I don't drink on a daily basis. He really doesn't get it. I have told him time and time again that I am an alcoholic and he denies it by saying well you don't drink everyday or get the shakes so you are fine. God help him and me.

Yes, I have been to AA meetings and I just didn't get the warm feeling I thought I would get or support. I did have a sponsor, but once she moved away I stopped going to my meetings. I did pretty well moderating my drinking until about a year ago. I know I am out of control and I need help. I guess I just wanted to post this so I can be more accountable for my actions. I don't want to die. I have a son who is 23 years old and I don't want him to fall into the same shame and despair that I have since losing both my parents. I didn't drink at all until all the trauma occurred in my life and I don't want my son to turn up like me. Going to your parents grave so early in life and turning to a the bottle to numb the pain. This isn't not the life I intended to live, nor do I want this for my family.

I am just happy that I have found this site. My story is so much more in depth but I can muster the courage right now to go through it all. It will just make me want to pick up a drink. Something that I know I should not do and never should do again as I am powerless over it. I know my faults, I just need some type of accountability and someone who understand to get through this. I do really want to stop. Today is my trigger day though. It is Friday after all which usually means drinking after work and all weekend long until Sunday afternoon when I can recoup and show back up to work on Monday. Nobody but my husband knows the extent of my drinking. Everyone I work with thinks I have it all together. I work hard at it, but I am tired. I just want it all to end.

This life really sucks and this disease is progressive. I am just so down and out right now. Thanks for listening.

WritingHelps

I wish you the best in your sobriety. It seems like you have had some serious troubles in your life. I can't even imagine how I would deal with those things. I drink too much and I haven't had much serious trauma at all! It sounds like to have made it as far as you have in life in general that you are a strong enough person to get through this. My fiancee took a while to accept that I (maybe he) have a drinking problem. Like you, not every day, but I more than made up for those sober days on the days that I drink. Today is only my first day (again) and I am scared and confused about changing my life enough to stay sober, but I also don't want to lead a life of shame and regret at wasting so much time being wasted.

Good luck and stay strong.

MatildaRose

Dear Serenity, I have been battling with alcohol all my adult life and I can understand how sick and tired you can get of being sick and tired. I got sober several times for many months even many years and my biggest support has been on line recovery forums. It's not easy but having others who understand what you are going thru really helps a lot. I look forward to getting to know you. Together we can heal!
Blessings to you, Tilly

thuggybear

Proud of you for trying AA and coming here, and admitting you are an alcoholic!

I go to AA. I'm not going to push it on you, but that's what works for me. I'm sorry you haven't had a very good experience with it. There ARE good meetings out there....if you don't want to go anymore, I understand...but maybe you could try a few new different ones.

What has helped me more than meetings is working the Steps. Once I admitted I'm powerless and my life had become unmanageable, I go to step 2: this is where I become open-minded to believe that some sort of Power greater than I could "restore me to sanity" (this only refers to how we relate to alcohol)....Three can be as simple as making a decision to work the rest of the Steps.

By working all the Steps, I have found a wholeness I never thought possible, the power to stay dry from alcohol, and a completely new way of life that brings me peace, joy, and love for myself and others.

If you can find another way that works for you, by all means do it... but I felt the need to share my experience.

Hope it gets better!!!

<3
thuggy

least

to SR! I hope we can help you stop drinking for good. I'm glad you found us and joined the family.

Serenity1972

Thank you all for making me feel welcomed. I feel more welcomed here than I did in AA meetings. I know that AA helped millions of alcoholics but it just isn't for me. Too many clicks and talking behind your back. I just couldn't take it anymore.

I just want to regain my self esteem back and be the person I used to be before my life took a s@/t. I was always so positive, strong willed, and full of life. I just am sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I have a lot to live for...I just don't understand my own distraction right now. It maybe just self pity and the fact that I never got to actually mourn my own mothers death who was not an alcoholic by the way. I just choose to numb myself the only way I knew how. I now understand why my father committed suicide and I forgive him for that. It is just my mothers death that haunts me everyday. She was my best friend. She was my everything besides my husband and son. I know I have to move on even after 8 years but it is so hard.

I need to be honest with myself and regain my coping skills and that is why I am here.

Thanks to all that have responded. I will be posting here often to keep my sanity and not fall into the pits of h@ll.

LuLu13

Welcome, Serenity, keep posting and you will find great support here. I, too, am struggling with the AA thing as I have not gotten any warm fuzzies either. May try a different meeting tonight. The last meeting I went to was on Monday and a woman made me feel so bad that I nearly cried which never happens. The irony was that the meeting was about similarities and she was quick to point out our differences.

Dee74

welcome to SR Serenity

D

Serenity1972

I am so desperately seeking sobriety this weekend. I hate it when I waste my weekends drinking and being non-productive. I am really in a tight bind right now. My instincts tell me to go get that liter of Vokka and everything will be alright. Well s&it...I know better than that but I am white knuckling it right now.

I need to take care of me and my family like I used too...but here I sit contiplating visiting the liquor store for my DOC. How ugly is that? God grant me the the serenity to accept the things I can not change and the wisdom to know the difference.

This is not my first rodeo...but I sure as crap feel like it is....

LuLu13

I'm struggling at the moment as well, Serenity. Take it one minute at a time, remember why you hate the drinking. Go for a walk, read a book, hang with your family...anything to keep your mind off of it. The urge will pass.

Vodwat

before you grab that 1L, go back and read your first post and remember where you were when you wrote that. hang in there!

ANGELINA243

SR might be having a meeting tonight in chat room. Those tend to be helpful to alot of people. That may be an option for you tonight Serenity. The meeting has been at 9pm EST but I haven't seen a post about it yet today. Hang in there! You are not alone.

Serenity1972

Lulu13 you have been such a great help to me right now. Hugs. I just want so badly to be the strong person I once was before alcholhell took over my weekends. I know what it feels like to be sober. I just can't handle the weekends. Shoot me now! I want so badly to be sober for the rest of my life. I can't do this anymore. It is freaking hard work. I would rather mow my grass which hubby does without fail. Why can't I be like him? Than again he doesn't think I have a problem....

johnnybgood

Well, Serenity, vodka is my DOC too and I am having a hell of a time with it right now. I don't even have any serious traumas (like losing a loved one) that I can point to as the reason my drinking has spun out of control, but spun out of control it has. It is possible for us to get through this, though- just read all the stories on this site about people who have over a year of continuous sobriety! Posting on here is really helpful, I've found. Good luck to you- you can get over this bump in your life.

Serenity1972

Thanks Johhny. I am also having a heck of a time not running to the liquor store. It is sad when they have your DOC ready. I am so ashamed and embarresed. I even get hit on at the liquor store which I hate. I don't like attracting attention to myself. I am a pretty private person until now. I know I need the support and help to get through. My quest is to help others recover from traumatic stress once I can get over my self hate. Take Care of Yourself. I am rooting for you.

Dee74

There's a lot of threads here to help with support Serenity - the Class of July or the Class of August threads...or the Dont Quit, or 24 Hour commitment threads

D

Serenity1972

Thank you Dee. I so need all the support and help I can get right now. My life is pure he@@ and I don't wish it on my worse enemy. I am struggling badley. I so want to be normal again. It is my biggest wish and what I pray for daily. We don't need to suffer like this....there has got to be other ways which I have read. I need this for me and only me as my husband and son don't care that I am wasted most of the weekend. I guess they think this is normal??

Dee74

I dunno Serenity - but the important thing is you want to change - and you can

D

Hevyn

Welcome Serenity. We're so glad you found us.

You sound disgusted with your drinking life - and that's a good thing, even though you're feeling miserable right now. We have to be ready to try something new, and give up on the idea that drinking is ever going to be fun or an escape. It was a living hell for me too - and yet I continued on for many years trying to control the amounts I drank - but I don't know why - there was nothing at the bottom of that bottle for me. I was living in a fog - numb to reality and the joy of life.

I hope you'll find the support & encouragement here will ease your anxiety. You can do this, Serenity - and have a whole new life.

LuLu13

Okay, Serenity, we can do this together. I am going to that meeting whether I want to or not and I will drive past all the stores without stopping. I am a little anxious since the meeting is at my church, I would be mortified if a member of the congregation or the Pastor saw me. I have been assured that rarely do the AA folks see anyone from the church. Thought about wearing a hat and sunglasses like a celebrity!