What I Need
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 44
What I Need
So today is my guys bail hearing. I'm so scared. His mom called again last night and told me a bunch of stuff that's going down. I'm so nervous. I'm still acting all crazy and nervous about whether his parents will like me or whether he will be happier that I am there or fret the notion of the unsaid seriousness my presence (along side his family) implied.
I saw my therapist yesterday. She has specialized in addictions for 15 years. I don't see her for that reason, she has a handful of specialties. I told her what was up (since I hadn't seen her since before he was arrested) and we ultimately decided that all that matters is what I need. Her advice was that if I'm not ready to walk away then not to try. Setting boundries is healthy but make sure they are bounderies I can stick to (Like not loaning him any more money) Being that it's his first time in jail she said this is a pretty huge low for him. In my heart... I know if this isn't it for him... it's it for me. It's scary but I'm planning for the worst and it's not cause I do not believe in him I just would rather be prepared for it all. If he relapses now, he will lose his family, his job, his home, and me.
I've been in communication with the counselor that is going vouching for him as a part of his bail conditions. His parents go see him once a week at a support meeting this dude is a recovered addict himself and runs a rehab centre. I wasn't sure what I was looking to gain from contacting him but I guess I feel like if he does begin to slip... I will know. I know when he's lying, I know when he's high and I know when the addiction takes over the rest of him.
After today... it's all up to him to make the committment to himself. I'll be his biggest cheerleader (or second probably next to his mom) but I start to contemplate where this lives the "relationship" between us. It's confusing because in July I broke up with him. We did not speak for a week and then he called me.. he apparently showed up at my apartment too when I was not home. I took his call, cause I'm too nice and he was telling me he was nervous about the crime he committed and all I said was "good you should be. you broke the law. you deserve to be nervous." but after 15 minutes of talking...he asked me if I had began to see anyone new yet (within in a freaking week!) obviously I said no and that led to if I wanted to see him at all and I did. I did want to see him. I couldn't help it. So he came over a few nights later and spent the night. We spoke several times on the phone over the next few weeks and I saw him once more... we had a blast that night, until he began lying to me about having to leave (at 4AM) because of an appoint. NO he wanted to leave because his drugs were at home. He could barely walk. I put him in a cab and told him to call me when he got home. He never called. I txtd him saying "This is stupid I can't worry about you at 4AM I'm done with this" his repsonse "Fine **** you bitch your loss" my response "No it's your loss you're a liar and an addict and you don't care about anything but drugs. BYE" and then I msgd him the next morning "It really hurts that you're so easy to dismiss me it's like you don't even care whether or not I'm in your life and if that's the case then bye" ... 3 PM I had a missed call from a pharmacy (one near his dr's office) 5PM I called him to ask why? he did not have an answer (not sure if he had used my number for reference or something while trying to fill a perscription but he claims he did not) He then proceeded to ask me "what are all those texts aout" he had blacked out and forgotten the whole fight. I could tell he was already so high so I just said "You lied to me about leaving it was clear you wanted to get drugs but you insisted it was not. I am the last personyou have to lie to. " to which he replied "I hit up 25 pharmacies today trying to fill a prescription until I finally got it filled.. how's that for not lying?" I just sat there stunned. I said "wow. good job." and like I said he was so high and on the nod so I was like "well you seem to be tired have a good weekend" we hung up. That was the last we spoke. So I'm confused where we stand...
My therapist told me that it's very unlikely he wouldn't want me there today, or around period. The attachment we have to one another doesn't dissappear overnight. I'm trying my best not to make this about me and my crazyness but I'm so nervous. It's literally all or nothing for him right now. I'm not ready to walk away. This a momenumental time for him (hopefully) and I'd like to be a good support system.. My therapist says because I do not use I'm probably one of the most positive influences in his life. Ultimately though I have to think about my needs. What do I need? Well I'm sure it's pretty clear I crave some form of validation but deeper than that... I'm more afraid of walking away now and wondering...Yes watching him relapse and lose everything will break my heart but the constant wondering .... the unknown will drive me crazy. At least I will have piece of mind.
Happy Bail Hearing Day. (not.)
I saw my therapist yesterday. She has specialized in addictions for 15 years. I don't see her for that reason, she has a handful of specialties. I told her what was up (since I hadn't seen her since before he was arrested) and we ultimately decided that all that matters is what I need. Her advice was that if I'm not ready to walk away then not to try. Setting boundries is healthy but make sure they are bounderies I can stick to (Like not loaning him any more money) Being that it's his first time in jail she said this is a pretty huge low for him. In my heart... I know if this isn't it for him... it's it for me. It's scary but I'm planning for the worst and it's not cause I do not believe in him I just would rather be prepared for it all. If he relapses now, he will lose his family, his job, his home, and me.
I've been in communication with the counselor that is going vouching for him as a part of his bail conditions. His parents go see him once a week at a support meeting this dude is a recovered addict himself and runs a rehab centre. I wasn't sure what I was looking to gain from contacting him but I guess I feel like if he does begin to slip... I will know. I know when he's lying, I know when he's high and I know when the addiction takes over the rest of him.
After today... it's all up to him to make the committment to himself. I'll be his biggest cheerleader (or second probably next to his mom) but I start to contemplate where this lives the "relationship" between us. It's confusing because in July I broke up with him. We did not speak for a week and then he called me.. he apparently showed up at my apartment too when I was not home. I took his call, cause I'm too nice and he was telling me he was nervous about the crime he committed and all I said was "good you should be. you broke the law. you deserve to be nervous." but after 15 minutes of talking...he asked me if I had began to see anyone new yet (within in a freaking week!) obviously I said no and that led to if I wanted to see him at all and I did. I did want to see him. I couldn't help it. So he came over a few nights later and spent the night. We spoke several times on the phone over the next few weeks and I saw him once more... we had a blast that night, until he began lying to me about having to leave (at 4AM) because of an appoint. NO he wanted to leave because his drugs were at home. He could barely walk. I put him in a cab and told him to call me when he got home. He never called. I txtd him saying "This is stupid I can't worry about you at 4AM I'm done with this" his repsonse "Fine **** you bitch your loss" my response "No it's your loss you're a liar and an addict and you don't care about anything but drugs. BYE" and then I msgd him the next morning "It really hurts that you're so easy to dismiss me it's like you don't even care whether or not I'm in your life and if that's the case then bye" ... 3 PM I had a missed call from a pharmacy (one near his dr's office) 5PM I called him to ask why? he did not have an answer (not sure if he had used my number for reference or something while trying to fill a perscription but he claims he did not) He then proceeded to ask me "what are all those texts aout" he had blacked out and forgotten the whole fight. I could tell he was already so high so I just said "You lied to me about leaving it was clear you wanted to get drugs but you insisted it was not. I am the last personyou have to lie to. " to which he replied "I hit up 25 pharmacies today trying to fill a prescription until I finally got it filled.. how's that for not lying?" I just sat there stunned. I said "wow. good job." and like I said he was so high and on the nod so I was like "well you seem to be tired have a good weekend" we hung up. That was the last we spoke. So I'm confused where we stand...
My therapist told me that it's very unlikely he wouldn't want me there today, or around period. The attachment we have to one another doesn't dissappear overnight. I'm trying my best not to make this about me and my crazyness but I'm so nervous. It's literally all or nothing for him right now. I'm not ready to walk away. This a momenumental time for him (hopefully) and I'd like to be a good support system.. My therapist says because I do not use I'm probably one of the most positive influences in his life. Ultimately though I have to think about my needs. What do I need? Well I'm sure it's pretty clear I crave some form of validation but deeper than that... I'm more afraid of walking away now and wondering...Yes watching him relapse and lose everything will break my heart but the constant wondering .... the unknown will drive me crazy. At least I will have piece of mind.
Happy Bail Hearing Day. (not.)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 44
Update: He's out. His mom called me right after saying that he was first on the stand. They will be doing paperwork and he's supposed to call me. She invited me for lunch and I said "That's up to him, I don't know if he wants to see me or not" and she said she'd have him call me. My stomach is in knots. I am happy he is out, if he does not want to see me then I can put all this to rest. It's just the waiting that is antagonizing.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
Lady,
I'm sorry for your hectic and emotional day.
Please try to keep some things in the front and center of your thoughts:
(((Hugs)))
I'm sorry for your hectic and emotional day.
Please try to keep some things in the front and center of your thoughts:
- Whether you support him or not may have absolutely no affect on the outcome
- The references to "relapse" is ( under the circumstances) a little off. Until he was put in jail he was not clean. He has now been bailed out and will decide whether to pursue recovery or to go back out. Your fear of him using is valid, however painting a continuation of addict behavior as a relapse may just be setting everyone up for disappointment. Has he even said that he was done?
- This isn't all or nothing for him. It was simply a bail hearing. The tough decisions he will need to make to move forward are still to come.
(((Hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
So after all your friends and so many people here told you to focus on YOU and let this –relationship- that he’s acknowledged isn’t a relationship go. You’ve finally found someone – a therapist to boot – to give you a green light.
So everyone is telling you there are air bags in the car……….but nope……..you gotta hit the brick wall at 70 mph to see em for yourself.
((hugs))
So everyone is telling you there are air bags in the car……….but nope……..you gotta hit the brick wall at 70 mph to see em for yourself.
((hugs))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 44
Loving the support. After talking to him, I've decided it's time to take care of ME. I'm not going to go out of my way to do things that will hurt him but I need to be a bit selfish. I can only control my own life and happiness ans that's what I need to focus on. He's not allowed to leave his house w/out his parents unless he's going to work or rehab so I feel comfortable that he won't be showing up at my house. I won't be turning my back unless he gives me a reason to. But it's time to take charge of MY life. It's ridiculous to think that he could tend to my needs given his selfish nature and immediate need to focus on himself. Yes I am naïve and think people can change. But I'm not on srtandby. My job isto love myself and make myself happy. Not to wait n see.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
I thought you were going to the bail hearing, how did he get released before you got there? You said he is going to live with his parents and go to rehab, so is that a type of outpatient program? Im glad he is going to get some help.
I think your therapist was right, you have to decide where your at in all this, you cant lead the life of someone else, or do what others say just because. i mean take it all in, but edit to fit you. And I dont think your naive, I think people can change too, but it takes effort and time, and often help from outside sources. I like how you said you are going to take care of yourself, but yoru not alienating him at this point. cant go wrong with that, and you can always change things up, because your in control; you can end things totally or whatever else, when your ready.
I think your therapist was right, you have to decide where your at in all this, you cant lead the life of someone else, or do what others say just because. i mean take it all in, but edit to fit you. And I dont think your naive, I think people can change too, but it takes effort and time, and often help from outside sources. I like how you said you are going to take care of yourself, but yoru not alienating him at this point. cant go wrong with that, and you can always change things up, because your in control; you can end things totally or whatever else, when your ready.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 44
Hey blue. I had to work until 1130 AM and was heading after but his mom called me at 1120 and informed me that he was out and I said I'd wait to hear from him before going down there. I feel so strong right now. Not sure where it's coming from.
Drug Addiction Has No Mercy
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Milwaukie Oregon
Posts: 875
Originally Posted by LadyM87 
Loving the support. After talking to him, I've decided it's time to take care of ME. I'm not going to go out of my way to do things that will hurt him but I need to be a bit selfish. I can only control my own life and happiness ans that's what I need to focus on. He's not allowed to leave his house w/out his parents unless he's going to work or rehab so I feel comfortable that he won't be showing up at my house. I won't be turning my back unless he gives me a reason to. But it's time to take charge of MY life. It's ridiculous to think that he could tend to my needs given his selfish nature and immediate need to focus on himself. Yes I am naïve and think people can change. But I'm not on srtandby. My job isto love myself and make myself happy. Not to wait n see.
What I am about to say may seem harsh, but please understand I do not mean it that way, but rather hopefully it will break through your denial and set you free.
You say your job is to love yourself and to make yourself happy. This is true indeed and to not wait and see, but you are waiting to see. You are waiting to see what HE wants to do. You're life should not be based on what he wants to do? It should be based on what is best for you.
If you are waiting to see what he wants or doesn't want or what he will do or won't do then he still is in control of YOU.
Take back the power that you are so willingly giving him and take control of your own life. Base your decisions on what is best for your recovery and your goals in life.
When one is in control of their own life they are not waiting on someone else to make that decision for them.
Been there done that and sat in my own misery for a few years longer then necessary. It wasn't until I took charge of my own life and claimed responsibility for my own choices that I began to grow and got on the right path headed in the right direction of where I really wanted to go.
Do what you need to do for you and if somewhere along the line he gets his self together and the two of you are like minded with close goals and you are still single and available you can go for a fresh start. If not. Then you are ahead of the game and happy.
Hugs,
Passion
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