new beginnings

I am in my second abusive marriage. I have three children from my first husband. He has abandoned them. I married my high school sweetheart after the first marriage ended. I needed to feel safe and be able to trust someone and know someone knew who I really was and loved me. I wanted my children to witness a loving home and family. Little did I know but I had jumped from the frying pan into the fire. I had no idea my new husband was an alcoholic. We have been married five years now. I had no idea. He travels for his job each and every week, all week. He is home some weekends but keeps to himself. Other weekends he goes to see his kids from his first marriage. He has been abusive the entire time we have been back together. I want to leave but have no where to go. I didn't graduate college. I am almost 50. I have three children depending on me to stay with him so that they have a home and food and insurance. And I do love my husband. I don't like his actions, lies, etc but I have loved him since I was 8 years old. Is it possible to love him so much but know it is wrong to be with him.
I don't want mu children growing up thinking this is the norm. But I don't want to put them through the shame of not having a home, etc. I have applied for lots of jobs but have not been hired. I feel like such a loser and horrible mom because I have put my precious children in this situation and don't know how to get out of it. They are beginning to treat me differently too. They are starting to talk back to me, talk to me as if i am stupid and worthless. They dont help me with any of the household chores. i cannot do it all myself but i have to. i see they are beginning to think there is a reason i have been abused. i feel like they think i deserve the abusive treatment. I am afraid they will grow up and leave and never come back to see me and I will be stuck with someone that wouldn't lift a finger to help me if I was bleeding to death. I. would welcome any advice.

HopefulinFLA

I am so sorry you are in this situation and feeling so down.

I am no expert here, but in my opinion, you can love someone with all your
heart but that doesn't necessarily mean it's right. Doesn't mean you shouldn't love him, but loving him doesn't make him good for you.

Do you have family you could turn to for help? It sounds like your children really do need a healthier environment. That and your emotional well being should be priority even if it means living elsewhere.

You are not a loser or a horrible mom, and you don't deserve to be abused by your husband!

My heart goes out to you.

lillamy

I'm sorry to hear you're in a difficult situation and feeling stuck. I'm wondering if you have a support system outside of your nuclear family? Do you have friends? A church family? Extended family? Because what strikes me most in your post is how lonely you sound. I think just getting verification from an outside person that you are NOT deserving of abuse, hearing that people outside believe in you would be so helpful.

And of course, I will suggest Al-Anon. They and this board really saved my life when I was married to an abusive alcoholic.

Don't give up. Keep applying for jobs. Keep trying. And keep reminding yourself that you have a right to live without being disrespected and mistreated.

One thing that raises a red flag for you is when you say you've loved this guy since you were 8 and you're almost 50. That sounds to me like you're saying "this is the only man I can ever love and even though he is abusing me, he is The One." You've got to shift that tape loop because the soulmate, the one, the only man I can ever love, the love of my life? That's all so much BS. Ain't no such thing. It's all in what we tell ourselves.

Tell yourself that you deserve better. Tell yourself whatever your emotions say, your rational mind knows this is not a healthy situation.

Hugs.

new beginnings

Thank you for your feedback and kind words. No, i don't have a support group, except this site. I don't have family that will help me. they have the ability to help me, but have basically turned their back to me. i get the feeling they think this is not really happening. it is easier for them to just stick their head in the sand and look the other way. I cannot help them understand and it is my responsibility to take care of myself and my children. they care more about appearances than my safety. They live six hours away, so i don't see them. my children and I have lived in three different cities. We have been here because of my ah for six years. I have kept to myself out of embarrassment. As I said he travels for his job and most of the friends of my children, they do things with other "families." Or the couples will do things together. It is just me, and not many couples want to socialize with a "married" woman that's husband is MIA. We live in a very conservative town in the south and people care about appearances. I have tried to open up to a couple people throughout the years, and when they find out how chaotic and not normal my life is, they don't really want to be involved. I try not to let anyone know, because I know from experience, when I do, I will lose that acquaintance.
I would love advice on how to be able to get employment. I want to support us and be able to get out of this situation. I just don't know how. I wanted to go back to school but I cannot afford to do that. And I need to work now so that I can afford a safe place to live. My kids want this home more than they care about getting away from the abuse. When ah is home they will leave to be with friends or stay in their rooms. A shelter is not an option in their minds. And the only way I can provide a home, and the basic needs is to stay with ah. If it was just me, I would have left long before now.
Ah is due to come back from his latest stay in rehab on Saturday. I am scared to death. I don't want him here and I don't have the ability to leave.

LexieCat

I would suggest calling the domestic violence hotline or your local women's shelter for assistance. They can help you sort through your options, help you create a safety plan. If you qualify for a restraining order, you may be able to get your husband out of the house. The alcohol treatment will not "fix" the abuse problem. That requires a whole different treatment regimen. The DV counselors also may be able to help you with job training or placement. Please call. Oh, and I would also highly recommend finding an Al-Anon meeting. That can help you a great deal--it was a lifeline for me.

HopefulinFLA

Wow, it sounds like you are very isolated right now. That can be a very lonely feeling, but you'll always have us on SR to talk to. No one cares about "appearances" and you can feel free to talk about whatever you'd like, no judging. There is always someone here who's already been through it ready to share stories and advice. It really makes a difference. You are not alone in this.

Lexie is right, about DV hotline or a women's shelter. Could be just the resource you need to get things rolling in the right direction.

dandylion

Dear RichardWife, I can hear between the lines how the abuse has drained your self-confidence and how alone you feel. Just because you feel like there are not options doesn't mean that this is true---because it is not. It is just that you don't know what and where the options are!! The are many, many women in your situation that have been able to leave the situation (successfully). You must be willing to seek and accept the help that is available. You must be willing to do whatever it takes without shrinking into "helplessness"---some of us have what is called learned helplessness. You will be surprised at what strength you really do have!!!!

My suggestion is that you contact the local abuse organization and tell them your whole story. They will help you---they exist solely to help you. Most importantly, they have all the resources at their fingertips--they know where the help is for jobs , education, housing, legal counsel, exit planning, counseling, etc...... Pick up the phone (with trembling hands, if necessary) and make that first call. It will be easier after that. You can do this. You can do this for your children.

Another thing---that the children like this house is not enough reason for you not to act to get away from this situation. It is affecting them more that you probably realize. They are already acting out by their surly behavior to you and leaving the house when he is present. They need you to be strong and confident and decisive (and loving, of course). They look to you for their security and direction. I know it might not seem like it to you right now, though.

We are here for you on this forum--we will "walk" with you. So many, here have been in your exact shoes.

We are rooting for you--we care about you.

I am glad that you came here to post. I am speaking rather firmly to you, right now--because I feel that you need it. I was a single parent of three children for several years. I have been there.

dandylion

MamaKit

Richardswife,
I'm so sorry for what you are going through. You are not a loser nor are you a horrible mom. You are not. You are drained and depleted from his abuse and his drinking and it sounds like you are being pretty hard on yourself.

You do have the strength inside of you to do this. When you need it, it will be there. Your kids need you to be strong for them. They are not turning against you. Don't let yourself go there - they need you.

Something struck me in your post with regard to seeking help and appearances that reminded me of myself and my situation. It took me a very long time to really be open about what was going on. I didn't want to be a burden, I was embarrassed, everyone would see what a front I have been putting up....etc. Once I put it all out there my perspective changed about seeking support from friends and family.

Be honest with yourself about those around you from whom you would otherwise seek help. Just be sure it is not your own mind and fears that are holding you back - rather than their unwillingness. You may have already tried this and still found no support...but I just wanted to mention this since it was a difficult wall for me to break through.

Another note, when I sought a protection order against my STBAXH, even the temporary one included a child support order. It can also determine who lives where. I don't know if you are at the point of seeking an order ...but if he has income, he can be ordered to pay.

The DV shelter is a great suggestion as they are connected with so many resources that can help you.

Hang in there, be kind to yourself. We are here for you.
Sending hugs and support
MamaKit

new beginnings

Thank you all very much! Those are wonderful suggestions. I will call the DV place locally and see what resources are available to me to help me know how to get into the workplace and how to be able to provide for and take care of my children. It is awful that I live in fear, but yet have allowed fear to keep me from moving forward also. Everyone's kind words and support are more helpful than I can express. I will begin to go to alanon also. As much as my ah is in denial. I think I have been also. Being on this site is helping me learn and understand the disease and the healing me see how much of a need my family has to heal and be healthy. I thought I was the only one going through anything like this. I didn't realize how common the symptoms and actions of alcoholics and codependents were. I thought I was the only wife that husband was secretive with. That yelled and called her horrific names. That became irrational and violent at a moments notice with her. When I read these posts I am reading my life's story. In a sick and sad way, it helps to know other men do these types of behaviors and I truly did not cause this. But then it scares me so deeply that there are other men out there that do these types of things. I have found myself looking at everyone I see and wondering if they are an alcoholic.

rry1177

I hope you go to alanon, because that would be a great help to you. I'm really sorry that the people in your area are so closed minded. That just tells me that they probably have the same types of problems. You'd think someone would open up to you, but I guess when appearances trump all, that goes out the window. I'm glad you realize you are not alone. You are actually much stronger than what you think you are. Please try to get some help, because you and the kids are being affected.

Recovering2

AlAnon will be a great resource for you. People in your town may not understand, but in an AlAnon meeting EVERYONE understands. Nothing you share will surprise them. Our stories may be a little different, but at the end of the day, our stories are all the same. It's a safe place to share, vent, cry, listen. Others will share their experience, strength and hope...and it will help you become stronger.

It's recommended you try 6 meetings before deciding if it's right for you. If there are several groups in your area, go to different meetings. You'll find the one that feels right for you. I went to 3 groups before I found "the" group for me. The good thing about your AH traveling is you have the time to attend a meeting without having to explain anything.

I hear the pain in your post, but I know that many others have had the same pain and have found a way out. You will too. Just spend some time educating yourself about your options, then take it one day at a time.

bobbysocks

You are not alone. You have all of us here on this site. Ive been in your shoes. My 1st husband was an alcoholic and very violent. I still carry scars. I know whats its like to feel alone. My family back then wouldnt have helped me even though they had the means to do so. my present husband is an alcoholic and now most of my family has passed on. So, in some ways Im still in the same boat as you only I own my own home. Hubbys name isnt on it. Call the shelters-not to live there-but ask them where to turn for help with employment, living arrangements, DVO, etc in your area until you can get on your feet. Go online. Call- whatever it takes-and come here for support too. You can and will get through this!

Flicka57

Richardswife:

Please, Please, Please do not think you are a horrible mother. You are there for them every day, you sound like you are loving and caring & I can tell because you are worried that your actions to stay in the marriage could be harming them. Stop taking this blame.

You are NOT a loser--many much more highly educated people right now are out of work & have been for several years. Be gentle on yourself with this. keep trying--try for part time work first--those are more available and once you show an employer how good you are at it, they may make you full time.

I hope you will as soon as possible now start to put some boundaries in place for yourself, both with your husband and your children. You are a person and none of them should treat you unfairly. If your children do not do their chores--don't you do it. Let them suffer the consequences of their actions. The next time they want something from you---you go and finish the chores they would not do & tell them you can't honor their request now because you have to do the chores they refused to do earlier. They will catch on to this quickly and realize that if they continue to ignore your requests they won't get any favors back from you. Children and adults need consequences.

Set a plan of where you can go stay for while if things get bad and if your husband gets difficult you need to set a boundary with him also.

You are a mother and a wife--you are to be honored for being there & raising your children and you deserve to be treated as the queen of your home that you indeed are. Go get 'em girl!

new beginnings

Thank you so much Flicka57! That is a great suggestion about the chores. I have never heard of that before. I think it is perfect and might just work. Thank you also for your very kind words. I will try for part time jobs. I had been thinking in terms of having to do everything. But, I think this small step if I can manage that will help tremendously in a lot of ways. Sometimes I forget to see the forest for the trees. And in this situation, you are so right, if I break it into smaller more manageable amounts, then maybe I will accomplish the big goal.