EmmaFern

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years now. When I first me him, he was a serious alcoholic. He would drink almost every single night. After a year or so, I told him that I was tired of him drinking and if he wasn't willing to get some help, I was going to walk away. Dec. 31st 2011, he made his New Year's Resolution to quit drinking. I was very doubtful that he would follow through with his goal because he refused to join a program like AA or any type of alcoholic "self help" or support group.

It was a struggle the first few months, he slowly started drinking less and less. It was very difficult for me because he was tired and in a bad mood for months, but I stood behind his decision and he too stuck with it. Over the next year, he would only slip up once a month or so. He really has come a LONG way since I first met him and he is still trying to this day.

My question is, when is someone considered a recovering alcoholic. He hardly ever drinks anymore and when he does, it's maybe once every month or two, because he is hanging with his guys and wants to relax. I know he wants to relax, but I feel like he should not drink at all. I don't want to see him return to the point he was once at. He gets upset with me when I get after him for having a beer, but I truly want whats best for him.

Is it bad if he has a beer every month or so? If you're a 'recovering' alcoholic, you should not drink at all right?


Thanks for the help

Dee74

Hi Emma

I can only tell you what I believe - and it's the same as you - if you've had a problem in the past you're probably playing with fire by drinking again.

I certainly would be.

But what I think, or even what you think, is not going to change your boyfriends mind.

I don;t know whats worried you - whether it's something specific or a general fear, but if your boyfriends drinking worries you, for whatever reason, you have to work out what you're going to do in response to that - if you pressure him there may be repercussions, but if you do nothing there may be repercussion too.

It's a tough call....but there's support and ideas here

D

Nuudawn

I'm struggling with your post a bit. By your own admission he has made huge strides and shown he is capable of restraint I'm not so sure I would have. You say he was a "serious alcoholic". Does he describe himself this way? It appears you are now in the role of the "beer police"...not an easy role. You want to help him with a decision that is ultimately his. You told him you were going to walk unless he quit drinking. Did you give him a time frame as it seems, although there are improvements, he has not quit.

Walking unless he quits was a very definitive position that seems to have grown rather grey. Don't get me wrong, you say he's made improvements while you have stayed with him. I just fear you want control of something, you unfortunately don't have control over. You have control over you and what you permit or don't permit in your life.

Nighthawk8820

I agree with you, if you have a problem, you cant moderate yourself and need to completely remove whatever your addicted to from your life. Even the occasional drink will almost always lead to more, and more, and MORE as time goes on. Alcoholism is not something that can be cured or goes away after a certain amount of not drinking, it will always lay in wait and its up the person in recovery to stay sober and avoid any alcohol, no matter what. That is the only way recovery works.

CharlieNoogan

The way I see it, one of three things is going on here. In order of likelihood:

1) He is an alcoholic, and has become adept at hiding his drinking from you and is drinking far more often than you are aware of;

2) He is not an alcoholic, but went through a period of heavy drinking and is now able to significantly moderate his drinking; or

3) He is an alcoholic, and is one of the few (less than 1%) people that can drink occasionally without it sending him off to the races.

Regardless of what is actually going on here, the fact remains that he does not want to give up alcohol entirely. You should be aware that if he spent a period of his life getting drunk on a daily basis, it is almost a certainty that this will happen again.

You have to ask yourself if you are prepared to go through this cycle over and over again during this relationship. If not, cut your losses and call it quits. If you are, well then, be prepared. You cannot "help" him, as your thread title suggests. Only he can help himself when it comes to his alcohol consumption. Does he call himself an alcoholic?

You have to set your boundary and stick with it. Allow occasional drinking, or don't. But if you say you will "walk" when he breaks the boundary, you better be prepared to do so at the first instance.