ananias

Okay I just have a few questions about the whole process. You go to the meetings....You find a sponsor....You work the steps. But are some meetings....not all that helpful? I've been looking at the meetings in my area and there seem to be an awful lot of them. Are there people going to each one? Do they have like...meetings managers/leaders that are there every time?

Finding a sponsor. It seems that this is a person that is willing to spend a lot of time on you...how do you find that. Do you ask someone after you have been there a while? Do they ask you? And what if no one can do it for you at the time? Do you find another meeting? Or what if it is mostly men (or women if you are male).

Working the steps....this seems mind boggling to me how some can work with you through these steps...doesn't it take a she? Do you meet outside of meetings or...? They are supposed to coach you through them right? But what do I keep a journal and report back next meeting?

I'm sorry if these are dumb questions...I've been mulling it over and I think AS meetings will help but I just don't know what to expect I guess. And if I can only get to one meeting a week is that okay? Just....looking for some info I guess. Thanks guys...You have been here...always waiting for me to ask for help.

Anna

Hi,

They're not dumb questions at all.

I don't use AA, but others will be along who can help.

Isaiah

1. Meetings can be very different. How they're lead varies from place to place. Often there are people who've attended the same meeting who act as chairpersons/secretaries, but it's a fairly informal position and may rotate depending on the day/week.

2. With sponsorship usually you ask someone if they will sponsor you. Some people just starting out may take a temporary sponsor for awhile. Personally, I've usually waited until I've come across someone who seemed like a good fit before I asked. As for the male/female thing that's another matter that varies depending on where you are. In Detroit male-female sponsorship was discouraged; in Portland it's more acceptable.

3. How you work through the steps is something you work out with your sponsor. It's fairly common to meet outside of a meeting environment or via phone. A sponsor may have you do a journal, or that could be something you propose to them.

A.A. is a fairly informal program. There are no hard & fast rules on how a lot of the things you're asking about must be done. It will vary by region, by meeting, by your individual sponsor and also with your own individual needs. I'm sure if you tried one of these meetings someone there would be happy to give you more details on how things work where you are, even guide you to a meeting that might fit any criteria you might want.

visch1

Hi. Excellent response from Isaiah. I'll add that a sponsor in not a life long contract, many people like the words temporary sponsor in case it doesn't work out or other circumstances arise. A sponsor is sort of like a teacher, can become a close friend etc. as there are no rules. For instance the questions you asked are good example of having a sponsor explain. Because of the emotional levels involved around my area female with female is strongly suggested as there are too many 13 steppers around. ASK YOUR SPONSOR WHAT THAT MEANS. . Usually a person that's going to meetings and likes what a person conveys asks that person or may get suggestions from others. Pleased be advised to use her often as so many say they have one and never contact them. Believe me a sponsor gets a lot of good from the relationship. BE WELL

EndGameNYC

Meetings do have differences, but all should stick to the Big Book Twelve Steps. In the beginning, I needed as much help as I could get, so I went to as many meetings as I could. The amount of meetings you make isn't as important as what you take away from them. At the same time -- and this is what I recognized early on -- meetings were a safe haven for me, and helped curbed my anxiety, depression, general insanity and loneliness. Nothing bad ever happened to me at an AA meeting, and I often got something good from going. Just the act of getting up and going was therapeutic for me.

A sponsor is someone who has worked the Big Book Twelve Steps, and helps guide you through the steps in roughly the same way she was taken through the steps. There are no other criteria. Over time and when you become familiar with people you meet in AA, you'll get a sense of who you want to work with. There's no homework, though some sponsors suggest that you read AA literature between your meetings with her. Your sponsor isn't a parent, a therapist, or an ATM. Their focus is on the Twelve Steps. If it helps, journal away.

Notice I said "she" when referring to your sponsor. It's frequently recommended that "men stay with the men, and women stay with the women" in sponsorship. There are many stories in AA mythology that describe catastrophic emotional outcomes in other-sex sponsorship. On a psychological level, when we open up and therefore make ourselves vulnerable to each other, it's only a short trip to sexual involvement, which can present a formidable barrier to sobriety. This is a common and expected occurrence in psychotherapy. Not everyone in AA is emotionally stable or healthy, and there are predators. These people are generally marginalized, and you may even have someone approach you to warn you about certain people who use AA as their own personal amusement parks.

AA's Twelve Steps are daunting to everyone at first. The mention of God, and words such as 'powerless' and 'unmanageable', the suggestion that we make "a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves," and make amends to those we've harmed is a turn-off for lots of people. But beware: Many of us are searching for excuses to either not get sober or to get sober without doing much work, so it's easy to dismiss AA on the grounds that we don't agree with their philosophy. For some, AA simply doesn't work, and there are several alternatives. AA is described as a "spiritual, not religious program." In my experience, some people disregard this and teach the twelve steps as though they were created by God, and given to us in the same way that the Ten Commandments were given to Moses. It may be important for you to know this before you ask someone to be your sponsor.

Working the AA Big Book Twelve Steps not only got me sober, but allowed me to live a very happy and very fulfilling life. I don't wave the AA pom-poms, and I don't drink the Kool-Aid. AA's program is very pragmatic, and has helped many of us to locate and put to good use our better selves. If anything else had worked, I never would have committed myself to recovery in AA.

I wish you well in your search.

Dee74

Info on meetings
Your First AA Meeting<

Official AA pamphlet on sponsorship

Alcoholics Anonymous : Pamphlets
Linked with the permission of Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

CAPTAINZING2000

I'd try to make as many different meetings as possible and make the one you like best a home group.

Bubovski

My first encounter with AA was almost 20 years ago.
Somehow I was unable to get in to the spirituality apect.This year I am back again,
finding that missing aspect, and moving along quite well.
I would suggest to anyone considering this group that they give it a fair trial and if one particular group does not appeal try another; I'm glad I came back.

Ohio1

Have you been to a meeting? You sound like me I wanted to know every little detail of every thing I was going to do before I did it. Learning to take things as they come has been a huge improvement for me that has come from the "doing" of things (like just going to meetings).

Sure some meetings are boring, maybe no one says anything you automatically identify with, but some can be amazing.

As for the sponsor- if you go to meetings for a little while you can start to see which people are sober, honest, happy, and have something pretty amazing- pick that person. Also realize they are benefiting from sponsoring you and almost always are excited to have a new sponsee because it helps them work the steps as well- don't feel like a burden because you aren't.

GracieLou

There are a lot of meetings in my area too. I chose meetings that clicked with my schedule and were fairly close to me. I get lost in a paper bag so meetings with a direct route was one of the factors.

I have never left a meeting feeling or thinking that was a waste of time. There are times I may not associate a lot with the speaker if it was a lead meeting or I did not have anything to contribute to the discussion but it is not always about me. I am there to get as well as give support.

I also try to keep an open mind. Just because I did not associate that night does not mean I won't later. I have had many "Ah Ha" moments.

Most meetings are a home group. Meaning that there are several people that have joined together to manage the meeting. They come early and set things up, make coffee, set out literature and then clean it all up after the meeting. The people in the group rotate as the chair person. Their job is to run the meetings for that day/week/month. These people are there at every meeting or a least a good percentage as this is their home group. This means that have committed their time to help run this meeting.

Each meeting has a name and a format. Like my Monday meeting is called "100 men and women", the format is a BB study and it is an open meeting.

After you have been to several meetings you can decide to pick a home group. This is your commitment to that group and to the program. Some home groups move fast when it comes to what new members of the group can do and have you jump right in. Others move slowly. Like my HG has a requirement that you are a year sober and have six months of being a member before you can chair a meeting. Other groups have you chair from the get go with no restrictions on sober time or member time.

Your sponsor will spend a lot of time working with you. If you listen at lead and discussion meetings many people that are willing to sponsor will mention that they do. After listening to people talk and make comments you will find someone you feel drawn to or that seems to be the right person for you.

When you find this person you ask them to sponsor you. Then you go from there. My sponsor and I meet once a week on Sunday but I also call her during the week or pop in and see her. We have become friends so not all talk is AA or step work related.

We read the BB and the 12 step and then if I have questions or comments I talk to her about them. The sponsor is your mentor. They are there to help you understand and explain if you do not. They also are your main support person. If I have a bad day or I am having an issue with something I call her. I would not be were I am today without my sponsor. She has been there for me, heard my story, shared my tears and held me up when I could not hold myself up. She has never judged me. I also play a part. I have to be honest with her, trust her and be willing to take her advice and accept her lead.

My sponsor is very easy going but on topic. She supports me but also helps me see where my thinking may take me.

As someone else pointed out, when it comes to a sponsor, woman with woman and men with men.

IMO, the only dumb questions are the ones that are not asked. Ask away.

You decide how many meetings you go to a week. How much support do you feel you need? Is one enough?

Since meeting format varies it might be helpful to try one of each at the start to decide which you like best.

For an example here is my schedule:

Monday - open BB meeting (my sponsor is at this meeting and it is my favorite)
Tuesday - open lead meeting
Wednesday - open topic/discussion meeting
Thursday - no meeting
Friday - open lead meeting
Saturday - Home group, open lead meeting
Sunday - no meeting

My Tues, Wed, Fri and Saturday meetings are at the same church but are different groups. I see many of the same people at these meetings. This, for me, is the fellowship with my HG being my commitment/action of the program.

Life does happen so these are my planned meetings but I have missed meetings. I am also single and my kids are raised so I have no other obligations in my life other than work and my dog.

LuLu13

In the meetings I have attended here the chair always asks if anyone with over a year sobriety would be willing to be a temporary sponsor, those that are raise their hands. New attendees are invited to see them after the meeting. My problem has been that their are so few women, about 5 or 6 out of 50, that it is hard to scan the room quickly enough to see if a hand is raised. I am feeling guilty for not having attended more meetings and am going to try and make one tomorrow.

GracieLou

If you ask the chair person before the meeting they may be able to direct you to a lady. The chair person is part of that home group and will know the regulars.

If you miss that then concentrate on who the home group members are and ask one of them.