My alcoholic boyfriend broke up with me

Old 08-01-2013, 05:53 PM
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Unhappy My alcoholic boyfriend broke up with me

Hello everyone,

I hope my story is welcome here and I seek to find comfort form some of you who may understand alcoholism better than I do. It's a pretty long story...

My boyfriend and I met 4 years ago, through drinking. We had both just gotten out of our only serious relationship and partied all summer. September came around and we decided that we wanted to make things official.

The following December, I got my first taste of his alcoholism. He became severely depressed after a night of drinking with friends and they suggested I go home. After I left, he was so upset I was gone that he slammed his arm into a window and had to go to the ER to get 33 staples in his arm. I stayed by his side and offered my support. During this time though, he lost some of his friends who weren't interested in sticking around through all of the problems.

Thinking that this incident brought us closer, we continued to see eachother, although he didn't try to completely stop drinking, just "slowed down." Also battling depression, he had a black out incident one day, over a small fight we had, and tried to kill himself. He ran through the streets and I had to catch him. Cops were called, we went to the hospital, and he began to realize he needed help and went on anti-depressants. There was no alcohol involved this night.

We moved in together two years into our relationship and I didn't understand that alcohol triggered his depression so severely so we drank, and fought, and made up...many times. Looking back I know that I was stupid and didn't make enough of an effort to get him help but I had no previous experience with alcoholism. We eventually moved out of that place and into a beautiful apartment looking over the city's river valley. Drinking was on and off a problem, but I started going back to school and volunteering so I didn't give him the attention he may have needed.

A few months later, I came home to him passed out on the floor, glasses off, table knocked over, puke everywhere. I couldn't get him up, he wasn't answering me, and i began to panic. I called 911 and they came right away. Before they got there, he woke up slightly, just enough to tell me to **** off and when he heard the sirens, he began to try to get up and resist.

When they got there, he admitted to them that he drank so much because he knew I was at work. He began at 10:00 and I got home around 4:00. They decided that he didn't need any treatment because he said he didn't feel suicidal. He signed some paperwork and off they went. One of the paramedics called me outside and talked with me about how his dad was an alcoholic. It was a comforting conversation but suddenly we heard a door slam. My boyfriend had just gone into the washroom, thank god. So off went the paramedics and I went inside to check on him.

He said through the door that he just wanted to be left alone. I assumed he was embarrassed and just wanted some space. It had been 10 minutes and I started to worry so I knocked on the door and he mumbled "break down the door"

I couldn't get it open but screamed for him to reach to unlock it. I walked into an image that continues to haunt me. He had slit his wrists and said "I tricked them." I called back and the ambulance was back on their way. During this time he assured me that I'd be fine without him, that I could take his money and I wouldn't miss him. He doesn't remember saying any of this and I don't think he ever understood how hard this was for me.

Needless to say he was admitted to the hospital and stayed under suicide watch. His parents flew in from the other side of the country and he would only tell me what he was really thinking (How he was planning on escaping and killing himself anyways).

Once he was let out, he went to therapy and started to journal. I asked him how he felt and he would tell me, good and bad. I think that this incident was especially hard and changed him for good. He is an only child who his parents think very highly of. He is in the medical profession and people take his quietness for niceness. He always told me that I was the only person who really knew him.

Six months goes by and although he decided to quit therapy, he stayed sober and seemed happier. I think that I could have been more attentive though because although he seemed happy, he was always good at hiding his feelings.
In April we went on a vacation to Mexico and talked about the all-inclusive liquor beforehand. He said it wasn't an issue, said he wouldn't drink, and encouraged me to (even though I had no desire to drink anymore and I hadn't for awhile).

As we were landing in Cancun, he said he wanted to have a few drinks on the trip since he paid for it. He assured me that we would have a safe word ("September" to remind him of the time he tried to kill himself in the bathroom). I felt obligated to say yes...and it went downhill from there.

One drink turned into many and although most days were okay, our second last full day there was bad. He wanted to get another and I suggested we have a round of punch instead. He would grab food, I would hit up the restroom, and we'd meet at the bar to grab our juice. When I got there he had ordered a shot of tequila and when he asked me if that was okay and I said no, he refused to talk to me. I tried to talk to him and he started to tell me that I am lost without him, that I'm a bitch, and that I would have to find my own way. He took the room key and wouldn't let me have it. I walked away and cried my eyes out for about an hour until I made my way back to the room and he was there.

I walked in and said "September" but he told me it was too late and that he was done with us. At the time I was so disgusted with him that I agreed and, ironically, we went to get a drink together. This was a terrible idea, I know, but I just didn't care anymore.

We got more drunk than we've ever been and after about an hour of conversation, he told me that I should go sleep with someone else. He said that he saw me finding true love and happiness but that his true love was alcohol. I got fed up with him and left the bar. An hour later, I saw the security guards carrying him up the stairs in his chair because he had passed out and thrown up on himself.

I showed them to our room and he told them to not listen to me because I was a bitch and I'd dealt with this all before and that I'd better tip them good. He passed out on the bed and I slept on the floor.

Stupid me the next day suggested we go on a break and at the end of the day after some though he agreed. I would stay at my moms for awhile and we would take time apart to think. Two weeks later, he asked that I come back home. I asked him if he had drank while I was away and he said no.

Two months later, I found out that he had gone to his friends house and drank. I told him I wasn't mad he drank, but that he lied and that I couldn't understand how easy it was for him to lie to me. I told him that he needed to make it up to me and he said he would.

After no effort was made, I mentioned it again and I could see that he didn't care. A week later, he asked me what was wrong and I told him that I was starting to realize he really didn't want to be with me. So we broke up. I was devastated and went to visit my friend out of town for two weeks before I got back home, packed up my life, and moved back in with my mom.

We didn't talk for a week and he texted me one night asking how I was. We had friendly conversation and talked the next day on the phone for almost two hours. He told me he'd been drinking, begged me not to tell his parents, and confided in me on how "****** up" he was. He cried to me and apologized for putting me through hell. We decided to remain friends and I told him that I'd always be there for him.

When I got back, I made the mistake of hanging out with him and drinking with him. I know that this is wrong and I'm stopping now. He admitted that he drinks day and night, and that he hasn't though about things. I made an even bigger mistake and agreed to being friends with benefits. After about a month and a half, I realized that we were pretty much dating again and that we should get back together. He shut down the idea and told me he knows he would end up hurting me. He told me he just wants to be alone, not even with other girls because he "doesn't want to do to someone else what he'd done to me"

I'm a mess right now. It's been almost two months and I'm severely depressed. I'm not drinking or anything, just crying a lot. I know he's drinking everyday still, which makes him not have to think about things.

He starting to be more adventurous now though, and he never wanted to go out before. He went out camping with work people, is socializing more, and is going to a music festival next week.

He's making me feel like he could care less that we broke up. I guess he has everything he wants now though: he can still drink, he can still talk to me with no commitment, he's alone...that's all he ever talks about is wanting to be alone.

I'm stuck...I'm so used to caring about him and worrying about him. I've had to change me entire life and he hasn't had to change a thing. He can afford our place so he's still there.

My friends tell me to stop talking to him and I know I should. I can't stop worrying about him though.

I was hoping that this story may resonate with some of you. I would love to hear your feedback, thank you so much for "listening"
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Old 08-01-2013, 06:21 PM
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First of all, all that stuff about how you did this and you did that and you should have done such and such to "help" him is garbage. He drinks because he is an alcoholic, not because you did or did not do something.

Two suggestions for you. First, I suggest you avoid ALL contact with him. That means no getting updates from him, his friends, or his Facebook page. You have broken up, which is absolutely the best thing that could have happened to you, whether you realize it or not. So don't torture yourself by communicating with him or keeping an eye on what he's up to. He slit his wrists when he was WITH you, remember? So your being around is not going to "save" him from anything.

Second, I suggest you get yourself to Al-Anon so you can start healing from this train wreck of a relationship. I'm assuming you are still a fairly young woman, so you have a long, happy life ahead of you. It's very easy to become addicted not only to the alcoholic, but to the drama. If you would like to enjoy a happy relationship someday, you may need a little re-programming.

Welcome, glad you're here.
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Old 08-01-2013, 06:30 PM
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Treeners, no contact would be the best thing for you right now. Sure, this is painful and you will grieve for a while----but, it is short-term pain for long-term gain. A relationship break-up hurts but it gets over with---pain of living with active alcoholism goes on forever...........

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Old 08-01-2013, 07:24 PM
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So sad to hear you are going through this right now. Have experienced the whole cutting wrist thing with AH and it is terrifying (not to mention all the alcohol drama).

The above two posts are solid. Alanon helps clear the fog. I love my husband dearly but life would be much easier married to a non addict...
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Old 08-01-2013, 08:12 PM
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Treeners; I was involved with my Ex-AB for 5 years and the last 2 were all about alcohol addiction. But looking back, the first years were just a training ground for me to morph into a person who worried all about him all the time. Unlike you, I never actually saw him drink much; he was a very secret drinker. But it does not matter I did not see it; the behaviors were the same; the drama, clinginess, me taking care of his problems. I felt bad for his "migraine headaches" (hangovers) and sleep apnea (combining vodka and ambien). He became more and more negative, and nasty...not so much to me, but other random people and went on embarrassing Facebook rants...ugggg. just worse and worse. So, you can't hide addiction forever; eventually it came out. And when I refused to be with him over a year ago until he sought treatment; it's like he turned insane, with vulgarity, dozens of sad/angry/pleading messages.

We spent a year on a hiatus while he spent his first year in AA/Therapy. And here is where our stories are similar. In that year there was a lot of drama. But a few weeks ago we decided to try an "official" reconciliation; done right. With a counselor, go slow; resume our romantic life. And then, abruptly, he broke it off. This was 48 hours after some of the best days we have had in a very long time. He disappeared, with a couple emails very similar to your Ex-BF. He is confused, wants to be alone, doesn't know how he feels, etc. And I have not heard from him in almost three weeks. My initial reaction was shock and grief. It was like, after all THAT! REALLY, he dumps ME? So, I think several things are going on with you. One, when you are with an alcoholic you join his/her world. You have to shift who you are to stay close to them. You have to go into denial and only see the good. So that changes you and when they remove themselves from us, those good memories are what we are craving. We have been in denial so long, we just can't feel the real awfulness of what happened. I think that might come later. (Two) Having lived for him for long, and being long suffering, my ego got wrapped up in this. I had a "I will win", "he will be sober and have insight and be the man I imagined him to be". Well, clearly he was not the man of my dreams; it was my imagination. (Three) both my Ex and your Ex did us a big favor. They don't know it, but we know. I am going on faith on that, because since it's only been 15 days for me, I believe that I will eventually feel it.

Keep on writing and reading. I have lived on this site for three weeks and it has kept me somewhat even keel.

Hugs/love/support

Carrie
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Old 08-01-2013, 09:27 PM
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Oh my goodness
This guy sounds like a walking disaster.....
I know you are hurting right now, but may I gently ask how you're benefiting by having him be a part of your life?
Based on what I read, I can't see anything good coming out of this...
I get the "feeling" that alcoholism is only one of the items on a huge list of serious problems....

He broke up with you?
Believe me, once you move through the fog, you will see the HUGE favor he has done for you.....

Sounds like he knows how to manipulate you....
(yes, I allowed myself to be manipulated also, so please know I am not judging you whatsoever....)
I would STRONGLY recommend that you cut him off completely....

Why should he be "allowed" to reap all the "benefits" of having you in his life?
FWB after being his girlfriend is an insult to you and as far as I am concerned, unacceptable....

Remember, he's not good enough for you....
Not the other way around....

I suspect that once you get healthier this guy won't have the same "appeal".....

Good for you for posting!

All the best,


Linda
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Old 08-01-2013, 10:34 PM
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First of all, I'm overwhelmed with happiness that you are all replying. I've been reading breakup forums, reading breakup blogs, looking into post breakup depression, etc. but I think this is the community I should be reaching out to. A breakup up from a relationship with an addict is very different than a "normal" breakup. Again, I thank you for this support and look forward to connecting with you all.

I think you've all hit the nail on the head. In regards to not speaking to him and cutting off all contact, I know you're all right...it's just hard to actually move forward with it. I think nbay2013 said it best:

"When you are with an alcoholic you join his/her world. You have to shift who you are to stay close to them. You have to go into denial and only see the good. So that changes you and when they remove themselves from us, those good memories are what we are craving. We have been in denial so long, we just can't feel the real awfulness of what happened. I think that might come later"

I keep catching myself thinking about all of the good memories. We really did get along perfectly, I'd never connected with someone like that and although our relationship was hell now that I look back, I keep dwelling on all of the good things we had. I think that it's important to share my story because telling it reminds myself of how bad it really was.

As of now he thinks I'm okay with being friends. I'm not responding to texts as much/texting him first/replying with large comments, etc. so I think he's slowly taking the hint. Do I need to tell him how much he's hurt me and that I need space? Or do I just continue doing what I'm doing and slowly let him figure it out?

He also won't stop apologizing...like it's going to make me feel better or something. How the hell do I respond to that?!

I think the hardest thing, aside form the loneliness, is the fact that HE broke up with ME. There's a certain kind of sadness that comes when you're not only questioning you self-worth but also your sanity. Why did I sacrifice so much for someone who used me so selfishly? What should I have done differently? Will I ever be able to trust someone again? Will I keep going for these types of people where I set myself up for heartbreak?

I'm so happy I've decided to come here for support. Thank you again <3
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Old 08-01-2013, 10:37 PM
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Oh Treeners,

You were caught up in a very toxic situation.

I have to agree with the others, if you truly want better for yourself, run for the hills and never look back. This guy is not currently available. He is not relationship material. You will only experience more unhealthy behavior from him.

The writing is on the wall, save yourself.

You deserve some normalcy, and will not find it with him at this time in your life. You have already invested 4 years, and things keep spiraling out of control.

Best to keep your distance, and get back to living your life.

It will hurt for a bit, but you can choose to value yourself and your life.

Keep posting, we understand.
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Old 08-01-2013, 10:49 PM
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Treeners...

It's a hard thing to do, to really decide it's over. He decided for himself but now you get decide about you...really decide. I am sure addicts have to make the same core no going back decision to quit using. They have to change everything. For me, in my 15th day of being away from him, I am slowly pulling the plug. For me...not for him. That means removing photos, blocking friends of his on Facebook, so I won't be so inclined to look for him online. I removed him from my cell phone, so I can't accidentally "butt dial" him. I am really looking at ME, and why I would go back. Uggg, I really developed an illness too and I need to recover. Maybe there are some stories of people able to have healthy relationships right away; but...well I have not heard any yet. My ExBF is one year and he is trouble; financially, emotionally, health wise, just chaos.

Treeners: It's day 15 for me; and I went several hours today not thinking about him. It does get better.

Keep coming back.

Love/hugs

Carrie
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Old 08-04-2013, 11:50 AM
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Treeners, this is MY story too! I am 10 days sober and just realized my b/f of four years is in denial about being an alcoholic. He hasn't gone to the extremes (yet) that your b/f did, but he has said some pretty nasty things while drunk. The reason he doesn't think he's an alcoholic is because he doesn't drink every day. But when he does drink (twice a month), he can't stop until he's drunk. I first accused him last night of being an alcoholic when he went to a party (without me because I chose not to go as I am still early in my recovery) and said he was going to have "just a couple beers" but ended up getting drunk once again. It was the first time I saw him drunk through my sober eyes. He blew up at me and said "I knew this was going to happen when you quit drinking--you are all hoity toity now." He was enraged when I called him an alcoholic because he can't stop after one drink and said that our relationship is not going to work if I "hound" him about his drinking. And that I "ruined" his fun last night by telling him he was an alcoholic in denial. I went to bed very sad, but I did not relapse. Today, he is not talking to me. I don't know what to say or do. Was I wrong to tell him he is an alcoholic? I am thinking I should just worry about my own recovery and not try to "save" him.
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Old 08-04-2013, 11:55 AM
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Eleni, congratulations on your 10 days of sobriety. That is a marvelous accomplishment. Abstaining last night, when you were sad about your boyfriend, is even more marvelous. Good for you!

Unfortunately, your boyfriend is going to have to come to his own conclusion that his drinking is a problem. The best thing you can do right now for both of you is to continue to focus solely on your own recovery. Whenever people change, it can be a challenge to those around them who maybe don't want things to change. It may be very frightening for your boyfriend to see you change, and he may not perceive it as the best thing for either of you. It's up to YOU to focus on your best interests, no matter what is going on!

Sending you strength!
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Old 08-04-2013, 01:33 PM
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Treeners, you have been given a gift. You just can't see it right now. He broke up with you, so there is no need to tell him you need space. He gave you space. I would go No Contact. Block his texts, phone calls, FB. Like any addiction, and we do become addicted in our own way to the A, you need to completely step away and abstain if you're going to heal.
He is not in recovery, this scenario will never change. Aren't you tired of the drama? He will continue to get worse, and even if you're by his side 24/7 there is nothing you can do to change his path. You can only work on YOUR path.
It's a new day for you, and there is hope of a better life without the A chaos. Find an AlAnon group near you and start attending. It will truly help you past this. As you said, breaking up wit an addict is different. The folks in AlAnon "get it".
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Old 08-04-2013, 01:55 PM
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I second lexie
Alcoholics drink thats what they do .
I used to have the same fantasy thinking as you (not intended to be belittling) just that ive been there before. I thought I could "help" or "cure" my ah. Wow was that notion senseless.
Honestly its painful but without any ties (no kids. House. Etc) this was a blessing. Even if right now it hurts...later down the road youll see it. You didn't fail because you couldnt save him and your friends are right....you should stop communication.
You have a full life ahead of you
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Old 08-04-2013, 05:38 PM
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Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
First of all, all that stuff about how you did this and you did that and you should have done such and such to "help" him is garbage. He drinks because he is an alcoholic, not because you did or did not do something.
This sentence should be made into a chant. When I quit smoking, I had to do this little mantra thing 60 times every day as part of the quitting effort. ("I hate 'em, I quit, I know I quit, I'm DONE, I'm free and I'm happy").

We could use that here as a mantra. "S/he drinks because s/he is an alcoholic, not because I did or did not do something." So simple, yet so hard for us to grasp.

Treeners, welcome. You'll find support here.
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Old 08-04-2013, 06:02 PM
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RUN! RUN!!! AND KEEP RUNNING!!!!!

I'm still married to an unrepentant alcoholic, and have 4 kids in the mix.

I don't wish this on anyone.

Better still: What would you tell your youngest sister, or best friend, if you could look into her future and see that this is what it will be if you don't dump and run now?

I can guess what you would say. So take your own advice and move on.

If you don't, he's already promised you it won't get better, and no better recommendation has ever come from that horse's mouth.

If I'm harsh, it's that I'm still in this hell.

You can cut it clean and count your blessings its only you that you have to worry about.

Your in my prayers. I'm just lovin' the skillet!
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Old 08-04-2013, 07:12 PM
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I can relate to the pain of your break up, but not all the chaos. I had some of that, but not to that extent.
If you chose to move in with a man who was so obviously sick, you need to take a hard look at your codependency. You say you're worried about him, but you need to be worried about your own self or else 1) you will take him back or 2) you will find the next addict to fill your void.

I know your pain OH so well. I left my ex A 3 yrs ago because he was a seriously demented narcissist and had my head so messed up, I didn't know what day it was. It took me a year to get fully over it and 2 yrs to come out of the fog.

My best advice, get to al anon and therapy and if you do take him back, never stop al anon or therapy
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Old 08-05-2013, 03:13 AM
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Originally Posted by nbay2013 View Post
Treeners; I was involved with my Ex-AB for 5 years and the last 2 were all about alcohol addiction. But looking back, the first years were just a training ground for me to morph into a person who worried all about him all the time. Unlike you, I never actually saw him drink much; he was a very secret drinker. But it does not matter I did not see it; the behaviors were the same; the drama, clinginess, me taking care of his problems. I felt bad for his "migraine headaches" (hangovers) and sleep apnea (combining vodka and ambien). He became more and more negative, and nasty...not so much to me, but other random people and went on embarrassing Facebook rants...ugggg. just worse and worse. So, you can't hide addiction forever; eventually it came out. And when I refused to be with him over a year ago until he sought treatment; it's like he turned insane, with vulgarity, dozens of sad/angry/pleading messages.

We spent a year on a hiatus while he spent his first year in AA/Therapy. And here is where our stories are similar. In that year there was a lot of drama. But a few weeks ago we decided to try an "official" reconciliation; done right. With a counselor, go slow; resume our romantic life. And then, abruptly, he broke it off. This was 48 hours after some of the best days we have had in a very long time. He disappeared, with a couple emails very similar to your Ex-BF. He is confused, wants to be alone, doesn't know how he feels, etc. And I have not heard from him in almost three weeks. My initial reaction was shock and grief. It was like, after all THAT! REALLY, he dumps ME? So, I think several things are going on with you. One, when you are with an alcoholic you join his/her world. You have to shift who you are to stay close to them. You have to go into denial and only see the good. So that changes you and when they remove themselves from us, those good memories are what we are craving. We have been in denial so long, we just can't feel the real awfulness of what happened. I think that might come later. (Two) Having lived for him for long, and being long suffering, my ego got wrapped up in this. I had a "I will win", "he will be sober and have insight and be the man I imagined him to be". Well, clearly he was not the man of my dreams; it was my imagination. (Three) both my Ex and your Ex did us a big favor. They don't know it, but we know. I am going on faith on that, because since it's only been 15 days for me, I believe that I will eventually feel it.

Keep on writing and reading. I have lived on this site for three weeks and it has kept me somewhat even keel.

Hugs/love/support

Carrie
Carrie, you really have helped me too. Your description of the beginning years, the progression of OUR own denial and addiction to them...you help me see how it's happened that I am so immersed and stuck in the good memories.

...at 15 days, I was a barely-functioning basket case. I'm impressed with the clarity you've got!


Treeners...I'm so glad for you too that you found this board. Such great insight here.
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