Step 1
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 39
Step 1
I took a shot at this. I'm not sure what I've gotten out of it and my responses are changing and evolving every second, but I answered them honestly and in the moment.
We admitted we were powerless over the addict ~ that our lives had become unmanageable.
Do I accept that I cannot control another person’s drug use? Another person’s behavior?
Yes, in my head I know this – but my heart still wants me to try to fix everything.
UPDATE 8.1.13: This is really starting to resonate now that ABF has been away in detox for almost a week.
How do I recognize that the addict is an individual with habits, characteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine?
8.1.13: I’m not exactly sure how to answer this. I’ve always known that we were very different people and saw things in very different ways. Sometimes I don’t really understand why ABF thinks the way he does – particularly about life getting him down and the thoughts that he has about never getting a break in life when he is the one who should be making his life and not waiting for things to be handed to him.
Do I accept that drug addiction is a disease? How does that change how I deal with an addict?
Again – this is something that I’ve been known to be true for a long time, but I’m not sure that my behavior has caught up with this idea. I’m not sure I’ve changed the way I deal with ABF. I think I just keep trying to be encouraging –but that sometimes backfires since I need to talk things out and my addict prefers to stay quiet and internalize until he’s ready to talk to me – and I never wait until he’s ready – causing extra stress and arguments. I push and I push for answers, not understanding where he is or what he’s thinking and worrying and stressing.
8.1.13 – I realize a bit more now that he holds things in because he’s trying to come up with better things to tell me. Since ABF has entered detox, I’m finding more and more damage that he’s done, but has never talked to me about – traffic tickets that almost caused my registration to be suspended, missing checks, steroid paraphernalia that he told me was gone long before I ever even knew that he was using again or lying to me about anything. While realizing that addiction is a disease, I’m in the stages of anger and if he had cancer, I’d probably be sympathetic – but with addiction, I’m just pissed off.
How have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?
See above. I try to push my addict into communicating when he’s not ready. Before the addiction came to light, I was constantly trying to make him a more social person. I’m always working on trying to make him more of an active participant in my life and our son’s life.
What means have I used to get what I want and need? What might work better to get my needs met?
I’m not sure about this one. I think I put my needs aside constantly and rarely get what I want or need.
I believe I have to be less flexible in some cases to get what I want or need. I think that I give in too easily and just let things happen instead of making things happen.
How do I feel when the addict refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond?
I generally just get mad and end up doing things myself. I get quiet until one of us picks a fight and then ABF storms off and no one gets what they want. Then I respond with a nasty text message, but I’m also almost always the first one to apologize.
What would happen if I stopped trying to change the addict or anyone else?
I have no idea. Perhaps he would’ve gone on his bender even sooner. Maybe I did stop trying to change him. I don’t really know the answer to this.
How can I let go of others’ problems instead of trying to solve them?
I have to start focusing more on my son and myself and doing things for us. If ABF wants to be a part of our lives, he will have to start participating on his own. However, I cannot let him sit around our home, sucking up resources and giving nothing in return any longer. His admittance into detox and rehab should solve that one particular issue – but I will still battle with taking on the problems of others. This tends to run rampant in my family. My brothers are both similar in this way. We are a family of givers and caretakers.
8.1.13 – My mother has also recently confessed that she has enabled me for most of my life. She has tried to make life easier for me by getting me out of jams financially and always being there to fall back on when I messed up at something. I grew up in a very caring environment, but at the same time, I didn’t learn to stand completely on my own. To this day, I’m 35 years old and can’t really balance a checkbook. Also, my mother provided extra resources to me so that I wouldn’t suffer while I provided resources to ABF. We have a sort of enabling chain.
Am I looking for a quick fix to my problems? Is there one?
Who isn’t? Of course there is no quick fix. There’s never a quick fix to anything lasting or worthwhile.
In what situations do I feel excessive responsibility for other people?
In my relationships – specifically romantic relationships. I want to fix everything.
[8.1.13] and I want to turn ABF into my dream superhero.
In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment for someone else’s behavior?
When ABF gets angry and starts yelling to the point I know the neighbors can hear him – or if we’re out in public, I get embarrassed. It’s usually irrational in my point of view. We don’t think alike at all on most things and we both always think that we’re right.
What brought me to Nar-Anon? What did I hope to gain at that time? How have my expectations changed?
My boyfriend is addicted to pain killers. I hope to gain some perspective and to understand better ways of communicating with him and also to recognize the signs for when he is using, because other than him telling me, or the occasional finding of something in the house, I really have no clue when he is high. Also, if I’m going to accuse him – I want to be able to prove that I know. I seem to know things in my heart, but if he denies, I can’t keep up my end of the argument.
Who has expressed concern about my behavior? My health? My children? Give examples.
My mother – she worries for my financial stability and for my son’s wellbeing.
My brothers – they worry that I’m never going to be happy or financially above water.
How do I know when my life is unmanageable?
When I’m skipping all of my other bills just to pay the rent because ABF can’t give me the money he promised me when we moved into a bigger, more expensive apartment. When I can’t stand to be in the same home with ABF because the tension is so thick you could slice through it. When I’m constantly worried that if I haven’t heard from him all day I’m going to come home and find him hanging in the garage… for examples.
How have I sought approval and affirmation from others?
I have daddy issues. I’ve always dated older men. I was promiscuous between relationships because I thought I would be more liked or loved. I give up in arguments where I know that I’m right in order to keep the peace in fear that the person I’m fighting with will stop loving me.
Do I say “yes” when I want to say “no”? What happens to my ability to manage my life when I do this?
I am sure that I do this, though I can’t think of any specific examples. I know I often give in easily in order to avoid conflict, even if it goes against what I was fighting for in the first place.
Do I take care of others easily, but find it difficult to care for myself?
How do I feel when life is going smoothly? Do I continually anticipate problems? Do I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?
I’m not sure taking care of others is ever easy, but I don’t find it all that easy to take care of myself.
When life is going smoothly, I can take time to appreciate the little things. That doesn’t happen too often as of right now.
I don’t think I always anticipate problems, but for the last few weeks, problems are most of what I think about.
I am definitely not one of those people who thrive off drama and crisis. I hate crisis. It turns my world upside down. I just want to live a peaceful, simple and happy life and be able to enjoy my time.
How well do I take care of myself?
Lately – not very well. My eyebrows could sure use some grooming – not to mention the need for a pedicure. These days I get up and go to work, pick up my son, come home and try to get him ready for bed – then shower and go to bed. I’m lucky if I have time for dinner most nights.
How do I feel when I am alone?
I used to do really good with alone time. Now, I’m almost never alone, being the primary caretaker of my one year old son. When he finally goes to bed, I’m so exhausted and I have so much to do that I don’t have time to even think. It’s been good lately because I need the distraction, but at the same time, I’m not sure I’ve given myself the proper release of emotion that I may really need.
What is the difference between pity and love?
Pity: a sympathetic sorrow for one suffering, depressed or unhappy
Love: strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties <maternal love for a child> (2): attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers (3) : affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests <love for his old schoolmates>
Am I attracted to addicts and other people who seem to need me to fix them? How have I tried to fix them?
I never thought of this previously, but seeing as my current relationship is with an active addict and my previous relationship (though several years apart) was with another active addict, yes – I think I am attracted to addicts. I am also attracted to men who can’t love due to commitment issues. The one man who loved me and wanted to marry me and had no substance hang-ups was 12 years older than me, rich, good looking and a very nice man and I loathed him.
I’m not sure HOW I’ve tried to fix them. I cannot pinpoint that at all, but I know I find them more exciting when I know they have a history. Classic badboys…
Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are?
I don’t think that I do. I think I know what they are, but I second guess myself often, most likely for what I think, at the time, is the good of the other person.
We admitted we were powerless over the addict ~ that our lives had become unmanageable.
Do I accept that I cannot control another person’s drug use? Another person’s behavior?
Yes, in my head I know this – but my heart still wants me to try to fix everything.
UPDATE 8.1.13: This is really starting to resonate now that ABF has been away in detox for almost a week.
How do I recognize that the addict is an individual with habits, characteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine?
8.1.13: I’m not exactly sure how to answer this. I’ve always known that we were very different people and saw things in very different ways. Sometimes I don’t really understand why ABF thinks the way he does – particularly about life getting him down and the thoughts that he has about never getting a break in life when he is the one who should be making his life and not waiting for things to be handed to him.
Do I accept that drug addiction is a disease? How does that change how I deal with an addict?
Again – this is something that I’ve been known to be true for a long time, but I’m not sure that my behavior has caught up with this idea. I’m not sure I’ve changed the way I deal with ABF. I think I just keep trying to be encouraging –but that sometimes backfires since I need to talk things out and my addict prefers to stay quiet and internalize until he’s ready to talk to me – and I never wait until he’s ready – causing extra stress and arguments. I push and I push for answers, not understanding where he is or what he’s thinking and worrying and stressing.
8.1.13 – I realize a bit more now that he holds things in because he’s trying to come up with better things to tell me. Since ABF has entered detox, I’m finding more and more damage that he’s done, but has never talked to me about – traffic tickets that almost caused my registration to be suspended, missing checks, steroid paraphernalia that he told me was gone long before I ever even knew that he was using again or lying to me about anything. While realizing that addiction is a disease, I’m in the stages of anger and if he had cancer, I’d probably be sympathetic – but with addiction, I’m just pissed off.
How have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?
See above. I try to push my addict into communicating when he’s not ready. Before the addiction came to light, I was constantly trying to make him a more social person. I’m always working on trying to make him more of an active participant in my life and our son’s life.
What means have I used to get what I want and need? What might work better to get my needs met?
I’m not sure about this one. I think I put my needs aside constantly and rarely get what I want or need.
I believe I have to be less flexible in some cases to get what I want or need. I think that I give in too easily and just let things happen instead of making things happen.
How do I feel when the addict refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond?
I generally just get mad and end up doing things myself. I get quiet until one of us picks a fight and then ABF storms off and no one gets what they want. Then I respond with a nasty text message, but I’m also almost always the first one to apologize.
What would happen if I stopped trying to change the addict or anyone else?
I have no idea. Perhaps he would’ve gone on his bender even sooner. Maybe I did stop trying to change him. I don’t really know the answer to this.
How can I let go of others’ problems instead of trying to solve them?
I have to start focusing more on my son and myself and doing things for us. If ABF wants to be a part of our lives, he will have to start participating on his own. However, I cannot let him sit around our home, sucking up resources and giving nothing in return any longer. His admittance into detox and rehab should solve that one particular issue – but I will still battle with taking on the problems of others. This tends to run rampant in my family. My brothers are both similar in this way. We are a family of givers and caretakers.
8.1.13 – My mother has also recently confessed that she has enabled me for most of my life. She has tried to make life easier for me by getting me out of jams financially and always being there to fall back on when I messed up at something. I grew up in a very caring environment, but at the same time, I didn’t learn to stand completely on my own. To this day, I’m 35 years old and can’t really balance a checkbook. Also, my mother provided extra resources to me so that I wouldn’t suffer while I provided resources to ABF. We have a sort of enabling chain.
Am I looking for a quick fix to my problems? Is there one?
Who isn’t? Of course there is no quick fix. There’s never a quick fix to anything lasting or worthwhile.
In what situations do I feel excessive responsibility for other people?
In my relationships – specifically romantic relationships. I want to fix everything.
[8.1.13] and I want to turn ABF into my dream superhero.
In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment for someone else’s behavior?
When ABF gets angry and starts yelling to the point I know the neighbors can hear him – or if we’re out in public, I get embarrassed. It’s usually irrational in my point of view. We don’t think alike at all on most things and we both always think that we’re right.
What brought me to Nar-Anon? What did I hope to gain at that time? How have my expectations changed?
My boyfriend is addicted to pain killers. I hope to gain some perspective and to understand better ways of communicating with him and also to recognize the signs for when he is using, because other than him telling me, or the occasional finding of something in the house, I really have no clue when he is high. Also, if I’m going to accuse him – I want to be able to prove that I know. I seem to know things in my heart, but if he denies, I can’t keep up my end of the argument.
Who has expressed concern about my behavior? My health? My children? Give examples.
My mother – she worries for my financial stability and for my son’s wellbeing.
My brothers – they worry that I’m never going to be happy or financially above water.
How do I know when my life is unmanageable?
When I’m skipping all of my other bills just to pay the rent because ABF can’t give me the money he promised me when we moved into a bigger, more expensive apartment. When I can’t stand to be in the same home with ABF because the tension is so thick you could slice through it. When I’m constantly worried that if I haven’t heard from him all day I’m going to come home and find him hanging in the garage… for examples.
How have I sought approval and affirmation from others?
I have daddy issues. I’ve always dated older men. I was promiscuous between relationships because I thought I would be more liked or loved. I give up in arguments where I know that I’m right in order to keep the peace in fear that the person I’m fighting with will stop loving me.
Do I say “yes” when I want to say “no”? What happens to my ability to manage my life when I do this?
I am sure that I do this, though I can’t think of any specific examples. I know I often give in easily in order to avoid conflict, even if it goes against what I was fighting for in the first place.
Do I take care of others easily, but find it difficult to care for myself?
How do I feel when life is going smoothly? Do I continually anticipate problems? Do I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?
I’m not sure taking care of others is ever easy, but I don’t find it all that easy to take care of myself.
When life is going smoothly, I can take time to appreciate the little things. That doesn’t happen too often as of right now.
I don’t think I always anticipate problems, but for the last few weeks, problems are most of what I think about.
I am definitely not one of those people who thrive off drama and crisis. I hate crisis. It turns my world upside down. I just want to live a peaceful, simple and happy life and be able to enjoy my time.
How well do I take care of myself?
Lately – not very well. My eyebrows could sure use some grooming – not to mention the need for a pedicure. These days I get up and go to work, pick up my son, come home and try to get him ready for bed – then shower and go to bed. I’m lucky if I have time for dinner most nights.
How do I feel when I am alone?
I used to do really good with alone time. Now, I’m almost never alone, being the primary caretaker of my one year old son. When he finally goes to bed, I’m so exhausted and I have so much to do that I don’t have time to even think. It’s been good lately because I need the distraction, but at the same time, I’m not sure I’ve given myself the proper release of emotion that I may really need.
What is the difference between pity and love?
Pity: a sympathetic sorrow for one suffering, depressed or unhappy
Love: strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties <maternal love for a child> (2): attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers (3) : affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests <love for his old schoolmates>
Am I attracted to addicts and other people who seem to need me to fix them? How have I tried to fix them?
I never thought of this previously, but seeing as my current relationship is with an active addict and my previous relationship (though several years apart) was with another active addict, yes – I think I am attracted to addicts. I am also attracted to men who can’t love due to commitment issues. The one man who loved me and wanted to marry me and had no substance hang-ups was 12 years older than me, rich, good looking and a very nice man and I loathed him.
I’m not sure HOW I’ve tried to fix them. I cannot pinpoint that at all, but I know I find them more exciting when I know they have a history. Classic badboys…
Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are?
I don’t think that I do. I think I know what they are, but I second guess myself often, most likely for what I think, at the time, is the good of the other person.
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