A doctor's advice about addicts and loved ones
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A doctor's advice about addicts and loved ones
I recently read the book, "In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts" by Dr. Gabor Mate who works in a clinic serving drug addicts in Vancouver, B.C.
He has some powerful advice for friends and family of addicts and I thought I'd share some passages from his book. I changed the gender to "he" just for simplification.
Here is some of what Dr. Mate wrote:
"Family, friends and partners of addicts sometimes have only one reasonable decision in front of them: either to choose to be with the addict as he is or to choose not to be with him. No one is obliged to put up with unreliability, dishonesty, and emotional withdrawal--the ways of the addict. Unconditional acceptance of another person doesn't mean staying with him under all circumstances, no matter what the cost to oneself; that duty belongs only to the parents of a young child. Acceptance in the context of adult-to-adult relationships may mean simply acknowledging that the other is the way he is, not judging him or corroding one's own soul with resentment that he is not different. Acceptance does not mean self-sacrifice or tolerating an eternity of broken promises and hurtful eruptions of frustration and rage.
Leaving an addict or staying in the relationship is a choice no person can make for anyone else, but to stay with the addict while resenting him, mentally rejecting him, and punishing him emotionally, or even just subtly trying to manipulate him into "reform" is always the worst course. The belief that anyone "should" be any different than he is is toxic to oneself, to the other, and to the relationship.
Although we may believe we are acting out of love when we are critical of others or work very hard to change them, it's always about ourselves.
Before any intervention in the life of another, we need to ask ourselves: How am I doing in my own life?"
Dr. Mate's words really resonated with me. When I first attended an Al-Anon meeting over 20 years ago, I thought the problem was my alcoholic husband and if he would just stop drinking, everything in my life would work.
But I had a lot of growing up to do. I had for years been someone who was easily coerced, who could not see the reality of a man but only the romantic ideal of him I carried in my mind, someone who was so afraid of being rejected that I would marry someone just so another young woman could not have him. I was messed up, in my own ways, and over the years I have seen a lot of people--both men and women--in relationships with alcoholics and drug addicts--blame the addict for their problems while refusing to consider they, too, might have some serious issues of their own, refusing to attend Al-Anon, resisting counseling, and "erupting with rage" at the idea that they should stop trying to get somebody sober or that they should accept the addict for who he or she is today, accept that they cannot change anyone but themselves, and accept that they are defeated by alcohol and by drugs.
Here is another passage from Dr. Mate's book that sums up the situation of life with an addict:
"While it is natural for the loved ones of an addict to wish to reform him, it cannot be done.
The person attached to his addiction will respond to an attempt to separate him from his habit as a lover would to someone who disparages his beloved: with hostility. Any attempts to shame him will also trigger rage.
Until a person is willing to take on the task of self-mastery, no one else will induce him to do so."
For myself, the experience of having to give up, to let go of someone I deeply loved and wanted to be with all my life, but could not be with because addiction so distorted him and made relationship impossible...was one of the most grievous and agonizing losses I have known. But to have stayed with him, and resented him, day after day, for being who he was, would have been so cruel and unfair. And it would have eaten me up.
When I first joined SR one of the repeating phrases from the long-timers was "He's not doing it to you, he's just doing it." Again and again, we are advised not to take it personally, the addict's behaviors when under the influence (and until a long-term sobriety is achieved, the addict is every minute of every day under the influence of his disorder).
And Dr. Mate says this as well in his book:
"A tremendous step forward, albeit a very difficult one, is for people who are in a relationship with an addict not to take his behaviors personally.
The addict doesn't engage in his habits out of a desire to betray or hurt anyone else but to escape his own distress."
When I was married to an alcoholic, one who was sweet during the day and horrific and frightening when drunk at night, I suffered and I begged and I bargained, but in the end, it all came down to me: would I stay or would I go?
In the end, free will is mine. As it is for us all. And it is unfair to blame another for my misery while I am clinging to him with all fours begging him to change.
He has some powerful advice for friends and family of addicts and I thought I'd share some passages from his book. I changed the gender to "he" just for simplification.
Here is some of what Dr. Mate wrote:
"Family, friends and partners of addicts sometimes have only one reasonable decision in front of them: either to choose to be with the addict as he is or to choose not to be with him. No one is obliged to put up with unreliability, dishonesty, and emotional withdrawal--the ways of the addict. Unconditional acceptance of another person doesn't mean staying with him under all circumstances, no matter what the cost to oneself; that duty belongs only to the parents of a young child. Acceptance in the context of adult-to-adult relationships may mean simply acknowledging that the other is the way he is, not judging him or corroding one's own soul with resentment that he is not different. Acceptance does not mean self-sacrifice or tolerating an eternity of broken promises and hurtful eruptions of frustration and rage.
Leaving an addict or staying in the relationship is a choice no person can make for anyone else, but to stay with the addict while resenting him, mentally rejecting him, and punishing him emotionally, or even just subtly trying to manipulate him into "reform" is always the worst course. The belief that anyone "should" be any different than he is is toxic to oneself, to the other, and to the relationship.
Although we may believe we are acting out of love when we are critical of others or work very hard to change them, it's always about ourselves.
Before any intervention in the life of another, we need to ask ourselves: How am I doing in my own life?"
Dr. Mate's words really resonated with me. When I first attended an Al-Anon meeting over 20 years ago, I thought the problem was my alcoholic husband and if he would just stop drinking, everything in my life would work.
But I had a lot of growing up to do. I had for years been someone who was easily coerced, who could not see the reality of a man but only the romantic ideal of him I carried in my mind, someone who was so afraid of being rejected that I would marry someone just so another young woman could not have him. I was messed up, in my own ways, and over the years I have seen a lot of people--both men and women--in relationships with alcoholics and drug addicts--blame the addict for their problems while refusing to consider they, too, might have some serious issues of their own, refusing to attend Al-Anon, resisting counseling, and "erupting with rage" at the idea that they should stop trying to get somebody sober or that they should accept the addict for who he or she is today, accept that they cannot change anyone but themselves, and accept that they are defeated by alcohol and by drugs.
Here is another passage from Dr. Mate's book that sums up the situation of life with an addict:
"While it is natural for the loved ones of an addict to wish to reform him, it cannot be done.
The person attached to his addiction will respond to an attempt to separate him from his habit as a lover would to someone who disparages his beloved: with hostility. Any attempts to shame him will also trigger rage.
Until a person is willing to take on the task of self-mastery, no one else will induce him to do so."
For myself, the experience of having to give up, to let go of someone I deeply loved and wanted to be with all my life, but could not be with because addiction so distorted him and made relationship impossible...was one of the most grievous and agonizing losses I have known. But to have stayed with him, and resented him, day after day, for being who he was, would have been so cruel and unfair. And it would have eaten me up.
When I first joined SR one of the repeating phrases from the long-timers was "He's not doing it to you, he's just doing it." Again and again, we are advised not to take it personally, the addict's behaviors when under the influence (and until a long-term sobriety is achieved, the addict is every minute of every day under the influence of his disorder).
And Dr. Mate says this as well in his book:
"A tremendous step forward, albeit a very difficult one, is for people who are in a relationship with an addict not to take his behaviors personally.
The addict doesn't engage in his habits out of a desire to betray or hurt anyone else but to escape his own distress."
When I was married to an alcoholic, one who was sweet during the day and horrific and frightening when drunk at night, I suffered and I begged and I bargained, but in the end, it all came down to me: would I stay or would I go?
In the end, free will is mine. As it is for us all. And it is unfair to blame another for my misery while I am clinging to him with all fours begging him to change.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: northeast
Posts: 468
Interesting food for thought. I'm trying so hard to accept my RAS's life as his own. For years, I've pushed and pushed to get him to live the life that I have always felt he was capable of. But .... he may not ever finish college and make a decent living. And, that is HIS choice. And, its fine- as long as he's not expecting his Dad and me to take care of him.
Ironically as I'm typing this- he just mentioned he has to push carts all day today at work and its raining and how much he's dreading it and would love to call out. On the one hand, I admire someone who is willing to do any job- even one that is really beneath his intellect/abilities. He never misses work. On the other hand- I don't know how he can stand it. At least, he finally got himself signed up for his fall courses. Maybe, ... slowly,..... he's getting it.
Ironically as I'm typing this- he just mentioned he has to push carts all day today at work and its raining and how much he's dreading it and would love to call out. On the one hand, I admire someone who is willing to do any job- even one that is really beneath his intellect/abilities. He never misses work. On the other hand- I don't know how he can stand it. At least, he finally got himself signed up for his fall courses. Maybe, ... slowly,..... he's getting it.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
English Garden, that is one of the finest posts I have ever seen here at SR. Thank you for taking the time to bring it here and to share your story...and as always, for the support you so freely give here.
I thought this about my addicted son as well. If HE would stay clean, MY life would be wonderful. Today I see how foolish and naive that thought was...the key to my happiness is not held by my son...and...it is purely a selfish thought, as Dr. Mate suggests.
Who knew, when this all began that my dysfunctional behaviour belonged to me and me alone, and I am grateful that I finally reached out and found help for me.
Again, thank you, EG. Food for thought.
Hugs
Dr. Mate's words really resonated with me. When I first attended an Al-Anon meeting over 20 years ago, I thought the problem was my alcoholic husband and if he would just stop drinking, everything in my life would work.
Although we may believe we are acting out of love when we are critical of others or work very hard to change them, it's always about ourselves.
Again, thank you, EG. Food for thought.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 352
Reading this has helped me a lot. I focus so much energy on how my A is behaving and what he is or isn't doing and how if he did this or that things would be so much better. Really I should be asking myself what it says in your post: How am I doing in my own life?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Melbourne Australia.
Posts: 3,748
Despite unlimited good intention, where a person is locked in to their destructive mind set, they will not be prised away until something internal to them somehow encourages them.
Care and 'help" carried to extraordinary lengths may well finish the helper long before the helpee is ready to move on.
Care and 'help" carried to extraordinary lengths may well finish the helper long before the helpee is ready to move on.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
In the end, free will is mine. As it is for us all. And it is unfair to blame another for my misery while I am clinging to him with all fours begging him to change.
Family, friends and partners of addicts sometimes have only one reasonable decision in front of them: either to choose to be with the addict as he is or to choose not to be with him.
Thanks for sharing this.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
My husband and I have both read ‘In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts’. I would suggest it as a good read for everyone. What I found most interesting about the book is his theory on why people become addicted, and that it is not just a simple choice.
Also his concept of compassionate or kind love towards the addict, which I think is part of what you are referencing here. Addicts need to be accepted, not shamed, treated as if their addiction is a moral defect, because in reality they are only trying to soothe the pain inside them. Family not accepting this, but trying to force a fix does not help. Obviously he agrees family should not sacrifice themselves when the situation is no longer bearable.
But he is also big on scientific approaches to treatment, compassionate (kind) love to encourage, lift up the person, and provide them with opportunities for treatment to help them deal with the inner pain which leads to healing the addiction. But in the end it is their choice, and he even points to his work as a clinician where he realizes he has to respect his patients for who they are at any given moment in time:
So much of this book is also fascinating because he references people who utilized his clinic in Canada; where he considers most to be hard core users; the clinic and attached housing is in some ways like a community center for drug addicts where they are even legally allowed to get clean needles, inject their drugs under supervision, they accompany people on medical appointments, offer food, movie nights, even had camping trips at one point.
Fascinating book, Remarkable Doctor, IMO.
“Not all addictions are rooted in abuse or trauma, but I do believe they can all be traced to painful experience. A hurt is at the center of all addictive behaviors. It is present in the gambler, the Internet addict, the compulsive shopper and the workaholic. The wound may not be as deep and the ache not as excruciating, and it may even be entirely hidden—but it’s there. As we’ll see, the effects of early stress or adverse experiences directly shape both the psychology and the neurobiology of addiction in the brain.”
Family, friends and partners of addicts sometimes have only one reasonable decision in front of them: either to choose to be with the addict as he is or to choose not to be with him.
“People choose, decide, act in a context, and to a large degree that context is determined by how their brains function"
"My patients’ addictions make every medical treatment encounter a challenge. Where else do you find people in such poor health and yet so averse to taking care of themselves or even to allowing others to take care of them? At times, one literally has to coax them into hospital”
Fascinating book, Remarkable Doctor, IMO.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 12
Thank you for posting this. The information here rings so true on so many levels. I'm only recently able to see how my actions have affected both of our lives. I was so frantic to help him and fix him, and in such agonizing pain, that I couldn't see the whole situation, and I now see the additional pain that I inflicted on both of us.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 628
I call BS. I didn't start smoking because of any psychic pain.
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