A newbie feeling crazy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2
A newbie feeling crazy
Hi there!
Well, I have done that first thing of acknowledging that I am an alcoholic after attending a handful of meetings and identifying with the stories of those who shared. I had this profound awakening that rattled me to my core and I felt unburdened and uplifted and unashamed and so damned in tune with everything... for about two days. Then I went to a meeting in which I felt obliged to speak. It was only at the end of the meeting - a few harmless sentences which everybody in the room "had" to do (they went around individual by individual). I am so scared of public speaking that the anxiety I felt for that whole meeting made me want to die. It lingered with me afterwards, transformed into seething rage, and hung about for some days after that. The profundity and lightness of my revelation dissipated. I decided I was going to do it my own way. My crazy drinker brain kicked in, I got drunk all weekend, and then I got drunk a couple days in the week (well, I drank after work one night and then took the following day off to drink).
I know it is not uncommon to be so fearful in the early days, and I know that I have to face my fears in order to recover, but I am feeling so overwhelmed right now with the responsibilities and financial struggles in my life that I feel as though I cannot put my recovery first like people advise me to. But I know that as a result of this, the alcoholic voice inside of me gets louder, and I start to doubt whether I have a drinking problem at all. Crazy, huh.
I don't even know what the point to my post is! I am just overwhelmed, exhausted, broke and depressed, and my mind keeps wandering towards irrational desires to die. I know that I do not want to die, but I am struggling to get moving with these thoughts in my head.
I am terrified of this crazy feeling in my brain that causes me to drink so compulsively and so soon into feeling this spiritual awakening! The fact that I got so wasted after the first sensation of profound fear terrifies me. I know that the AA people say, Keep coming back! Keep coming back! And I do want to. I suppose I am just terrified of living at the moment. I want to return to the meetings and not speak until I feel comfortable to. I just feel so angry about it all, that I have to do this. I know alcoholism is an illness, but I feel like I have brought this on myself.
I guess I am wondering how some of you managed to prioritise your lives around recovery in the early days when you had other life things to do?
Well, I have done that first thing of acknowledging that I am an alcoholic after attending a handful of meetings and identifying with the stories of those who shared. I had this profound awakening that rattled me to my core and I felt unburdened and uplifted and unashamed and so damned in tune with everything... for about two days. Then I went to a meeting in which I felt obliged to speak. It was only at the end of the meeting - a few harmless sentences which everybody in the room "had" to do (they went around individual by individual). I am so scared of public speaking that the anxiety I felt for that whole meeting made me want to die. It lingered with me afterwards, transformed into seething rage, and hung about for some days after that. The profundity and lightness of my revelation dissipated. I decided I was going to do it my own way. My crazy drinker brain kicked in, I got drunk all weekend, and then I got drunk a couple days in the week (well, I drank after work one night and then took the following day off to drink).
I know it is not uncommon to be so fearful in the early days, and I know that I have to face my fears in order to recover, but I am feeling so overwhelmed right now with the responsibilities and financial struggles in my life that I feel as though I cannot put my recovery first like people advise me to. But I know that as a result of this, the alcoholic voice inside of me gets louder, and I start to doubt whether I have a drinking problem at all. Crazy, huh.
I don't even know what the point to my post is! I am just overwhelmed, exhausted, broke and depressed, and my mind keeps wandering towards irrational desires to die. I know that I do not want to die, but I am struggling to get moving with these thoughts in my head.
I am terrified of this crazy feeling in my brain that causes me to drink so compulsively and so soon into feeling this spiritual awakening! The fact that I got so wasted after the first sensation of profound fear terrifies me. I know that the AA people say, Keep coming back! Keep coming back! And I do want to. I suppose I am just terrified of living at the moment. I want to return to the meetings and not speak until I feel comfortable to. I just feel so angry about it all, that I have to do this. I know alcoholism is an illness, but I feel like I have brought this on myself.
I guess I am wondering how some of you managed to prioritise your lives around recovery in the early days when you had other life things to do?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: CAPE COD, MA
Posts: 1,020
Welcome. AA= "the ONLY requirement for membership (attendance) is a desire to stop drinking." After many years of attending 15-20K meetings I and others often "Pass or just listen" without any side glances. Not drinking started with it being my #1 priority seeing how if I continued all else would be lost. BE WELL
A Smart Bug is a Sober Bug!
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Hot and Muggy South Florida
Posts: 1,396
You can definitely pass!!
Welcome to SR - so glad to see you here. Don't feel crazy, early recovery is a tumultuous time. We have all been there. I have only been in recovery since April, and I have had a couple of slips since then. I felt crazy too - but I am resigned now. I have a focus and feel good about it.
Again, welcome. And keep coming back. Here and AA - don't let the meeting scare you off. You really can pass.
Welcome to SR - so glad to see you here. Don't feel crazy, early recovery is a tumultuous time. We have all been there. I have only been in recovery since April, and I have had a couple of slips since then. I felt crazy too - but I am resigned now. I have a focus and feel good about it.
Again, welcome. And keep coming back. Here and AA - don't let the meeting scare you off. You really can pass.
A Smart Bug is a Sober Bug!
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Hot and Muggy South Florida
Posts: 1,396
Originally Posted by heynowheynow 
I just feel so angry about it all, that I have to do this. I know alcoholism is an illness, but I feel like I have brought this on myself.
Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 5,678
Welcome to SR Heynow 
I can really relate to your post. I used to have a huge amount of anxiety that made me want to drink. It became like a reflex. I don't feel like I put my sobriety first or took action in the traditional sense of the word. I went to AA between 3 and 8 months sober and my inability to participate put caused a lot of anxiety and guilt for me. I just couldn't speak there. I found though that I had no problems speaking in SMART meetings (I think it is the cross talk that makes it easier, knowing that if you don't know what to say someone might just ask you a question), and I had no problems participating here. Just do what you can do. I struggled to do anything in early recovery as I had a lot of fatigue and I felt guilty for not doing much or actively trying to change things in my life. But I really did feel like I was doing all I could, and that I needed that time to recover and just to get by. Just do what you can to get by day by day sober x
I can really relate to your post. I used to have a huge amount of anxiety that made me want to drink. It became like a reflex. I don't feel like I put my sobriety first or took action in the traditional sense of the word. I went to AA between 3 and 8 months sober and my inability to participate put caused a lot of anxiety and guilt for me. I just couldn't speak there. I found though that I had no problems speaking in SMART meetings (I think it is the cross talk that makes it easier, knowing that if you don't know what to say someone might just ask you a question), and I had no problems participating here. Just do what you can do. I struggled to do anything in early recovery as I had a lot of fatigue and I felt guilty for not doing much or actively trying to change things in my life. But I really did feel like I was doing all I could, and that I needed that time to recover and just to get by. Just do what you can to get by day by day sober x
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Welcome heynowheynow
If you can pass, pass - you're there for your benefit, not to be pushed into things you feel are detrimental to you.
Maybe look at other meetings too - groups vary, I expect
stick by SR too - there's a lot of support here and no pressure
D
If you can pass, pass - you're there for your benefit, not to be pushed into things you feel are detrimental to you.
Maybe look at other meetings too - groups vary, I expect
stick by SR too - there's a lot of support here and no pressure
D
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Originally Posted by heynowheynow
I know that I do not want to die...
All your responsibilities and financial difficulties will only get worse if you continue to drink. Not at all profound, but a worthwhile reminder for me.
. . .
Never liked meetings where it's mandatory to speak. I have no problem talking about both the problem and the solution, but I don't believe that forcing people to say something is either helpful or therapeutic.
There are often people who truly need to speak, and don't get enough time to do so when the time is allotted to those who don't wish to speak. Doesn't make anyone "tougher," more enlightened or more sober.
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