Summerpeach

Hi everyone

I've worked so hard the last 3 years on my recovery from codependency. I've had a few hiccups along the way, but have made a lot of progress.
I've stayed totally single the last 16 months and have detached from everyone in my life who's an active addicts.
I have to admit, it's been a lonely existence since many of these people have been friends for 20-30 yrs, but I've slowly made some new and amazing friends.
I'm so selective now whereas before, I would befriend anyone.

Having said all this, the reason for my post was because the people who you often can't walk way from is family.
I love my family more than life (no addictions in my family), but as I've grown and they have not, I just can't stand being around their meanness, their judgement, their total dysfunction.

My sister is always bugging me to go visit her, so I finally did last weekend and within an hour, she was "annoyed" with me. She is very independent and has no friends and only had 2 bf's in her 48 yrs. She doesn't like anyone in her space.
She was being man to be in the first 4 hrs of seeing her (not seen her in 7 months) I said "I feel like I annoy you" and she would say "your existence annoys me"
Yet she paid by flight and all my weekend and could not wait for me to visit her.
My sisters have been abusive like this to me since I was a child. I took it then but I don't take it now. They killed my self worth over and over and over as a child. Now, I'm so much different and they don't like it one bit.

Yesterday, my sister (who came back home with me to visit my parents) went at me again and I told her off (which I never used to) and she retreated like a child. How DARE I stand up for myself!!!!

Now, I wake up this morning and my 20 yr old niece (who is disabled in a wheelchair) is feeling the effects of her Mom's (my sister) and my families total mental dysfunction and she sent us all a FB msg at 1;00am this morning telling my sisters (not me) off.
My niece and I are close and she holds everything in, but I guess she lost it
I called my Mom today and in her TYPICAL dramatic fashion she is so distraught over this FB msg from my niece she needs to be in bed all day and it's a "sad day"
I said "how is honestly and her standing her ground a sad day? You should be proud she stood her ground"
When I finally confronted my parents years ago about "the truth", my Mom (who bathes in denial) was in bed for a week. My Dad said "You did this to her"

I've always been the black-sheep and more so now since I've managed to work on my issues.

I get seriously depressed around my family now....My oldest sister is the meanest person you could ever meet so I only see her when I have to, My parents are super loving but live in this deep denial about everything and my other sister who I went to visit is sort of bi polar in her ways. She makes TONS of money and is super generous, but then will say things like "Next time you visit, get a hotel cause when you stayed with me this weekend, you washed your hands and there was water all around the sink and i hate that"

Like what!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How do you all deal with this?

dandylion

Summerpeach, your post really resonates with me--as I have had to deal with very dysfunctional family matters. They tried to treat me like the blacksheep, also.

I was able to escape the family madness as a young person---left home to live at college with a full scholarship at 17yrs. old. I have protected myself from the dysfunction by keeping enough physical distance--and visiting only for the briefest time, when I do visit. Still, they remain difficult and I do not expect them to change!!!!!!!

This is the way I look at it. I think of them like a lion (that I love) who has a thorn in his paw. Because of the pain he might hurt me--but I still love him. So, I try to deal with him with a safe enough distance that he can't hurt me.

I am glad that you have become clear about your self and that you recognize the pathology for what it is. You have to place your boundaries accordingly.

It is so true that you can pick your friends, but, you can't pick family.

dandylion

funkynassau

I was always the black sheep too, so I understand that. My mother was a toxic negative bitter demanding miserable woman. I moved out at 18 solely to get away from her. I used to call her The Warden, tho not to her face or she'd have smacked me. I figured I'd rather live in a cardboard box on the street than go back to her house. My dad was a very nice man. I never did move back, but did "visit" from time to time. She had the stare of death and I always felt unwanted and very uncomfortable. I had a strange relationship with my bro, he tolerated me but never took any interest in me, never seemed like he liked me.

Dad died in 1979 so I had a lot of years with just mother and brother in my life. From a safe distance. She pushed me away at every opportunity, yet seemed to want me around, probably to continue her quest to control me, which never did work very well I moved where it was too far to go to her city for the day, that was planned so that I didnt have to have much contact with her other than by phone. Oh she was mad when we moved! Really mad! Bro and I kept up our strange relationship (solely by email) til she died then he turned on me, it was like he took over the BS dept. that she no longer maintained. What was indifference turned to major dislike for me, and it was like he was now she...it wasnt nice at all.

In the end I had to cut him out of my life. He's a shrink so he knows how to manipulate people, and then sit back and watch the reaction. He tried his crap on me but I shut him down, I wasnt going to have another person treat me like mother did. I dont need that and never did deserve it. We have not communicated in a couple of years, and that's fine with me.

Just because certain people are your relatives or immediate family doesnt mean you have to take what they dish out. Being related doesnt guarantee sanity or friendship!

Sure I wish I had a good relationship with my bro but I never really had that anyway, so you cant miss what you never had.

Maybe you need to cut your family loose from your life. We all deserve to be happy and sometimes that's what it takes. I dont regret removing my toxic bro from my life.

LexieCat

I am on friendly terms with my brother and SIL, but my SIL is not a terribly sociable person, and she doesn't like company (I sort of relate--I'm not huge on guests, either, but I don't mind for a few days). They have never visited me since I moved to NJ 33 years ago, though they come to the East Coast occasionally. I never stay with them when I go to visit (they DID let me stay with them for a few days after I left my second husband, but I could tell it was very uncomfortable for them).

So I just meet my brother (and sometimes her and my nephew) for lunch when I am in town. We talk on the phone a few times a year, but otherwise aren't terribly involved in each other's lives. Sometimes I wish we got together more often, but my SIL would not be comfortable with that, so I accept her as she is and don't work up a resentment about it. I think if I insisted on visits either way (my staying with them or their visiting me) we would not have the cordial if slightly distant relationship that we have.

I know your sister insisted on your visiting, but you know how she is. I think next time I'd stay at a hotel and meet her for lunch instead.

Summerpeach

This makes me feel less alone...thank you.

Not sure I would ever cut them loose totally, but have done some major detaching. My older sister's boy (My nephew) is so much like his Mom and talks to me like sh*t. He's 23 and a musician and getting a record deal and thinks he's the most awesome soul alive and too good for any of us, but I see he get's his attitude form his Mom. Again, I love him, but being around him is horrid.

And by the way, I was in TO last weekend to visit my sister ;-)

I'm in Montreal

Summerpeach

Thank you for sharing

I will just see her when she comes to town 2 x a yr and even then, the week she stays, I see her maybe 2 x.

Summerpeach

Loving all the blacksheeps in here ;-)
thank for so much for this share

And you are so right, think of them like an injured animal. I probably just should now feel compassion instead of my old childhood feelings of helplessness.

My transition to my "new" way of life has been so hard. I've also transitioned from a high paying corporate job to being on my own in private practice as a Naturopathic Doctor for the last 2 yrs. I tool courses for 4 yrs to follow my dream and still, I am not good enough.

I feel like my entire being is someone new and it's just been hard. It takes ALL my strength to keep it together most days. But I know happiness is just around the corner cause I feel more alive than I ever did

funkynassau

Summerpeach you are not alone at all! I was born and raised in TO and moved 3 hrs northwest of there 24 yrs ago, best thing I ever did. You can try to set up boundaries with your family, but sticking to them can be difficult, you have to be determined to keep them in place. Yeah cutting people out of your life is a last resort but sometimes that's all that's left. I had such a small family that once bro was all that was left, well the options were small.

Seeing your family once or twice a year may well work for you. I wish you the best!

spiderqueen

I just wanted to say, I love the title of your post. Very inspirational. Thank you!

lillamy

Oh I've always been the black sheep too.
And then I left AXH and started straightening my life out and boy oh boy did that set my sister on edge. I mean, I can laugh about it because there's some serious real estate between us, but she cannot stand that I'm not the f**kup anymore, as if that makes her less of a Perfect Daughter. She's tried to wreck my new relationship by lying about me to the man in my life; she's lied to our parents about this guy and his past; she's frankly going off the rails quite a bit to the point where even our parents are kinda worried about her sanity.

I definitely think it's acceptable to cut family out of your life if they make you miserable. But I also think there's a lot to be learned from studying your own FOO dysfunction, if you can handle it. I'm pretty sure there's some level of dysfunction in every family -- in mine, it was a mix of Fight Club ("First Rule of Family: We don't talk about Family") and Saturday Evening Post: Everything Is Always Perfect If Someone Asks.

No meanness. No abuse. But my uncle's alcoholism didn't exist, nor did the fact that two of my cousins served time, nor did the fact that my grandfather spent time in a mental hospital... you get the picture. We don't wash our dirty laundry in public. We need to keep a perfect facade.

Having some geographic and emotional distance has made it possible for me to see a lot of things in my FOO that helped me become the person I became, for better for worse. I can see where some of my codie tendencies came from and I can look at my family (well, not my sister right now but that'll change again) with a tremendous amount of love and see that they're flawed just like I am, and that as long as I can set boundaries to keep me healthy and limit my interactions with them when they're violating my boundaries -- it's not a bad thing.

funkynassau

Oh lillamy i loved your post, it applies to me in a lot of ways. I thought our family was dysfunctional too, and my bro the shrink took great offence to that when I said it to him. Too bad, that's my opinion and I dont care if he doesnt like it or agree with me. I really think there's some jealousy from him towards me as I escaped the big city and the BS of our mother and because he bought a house pretty close to hers, he was her Go To person and he really hated that. He makes a pretty good recluse and hates any intrusion into his life. Oh well!!!

I set up geographic boundaries too, I really needed to do that, and it solved a lot of problems. Emotional boundaries were a major necessity too. I think we all need to do our best to set boundaries wherever needed and try to give ourselves the best lives we can. We only go around once so might as well make it as pleasant as possible.

suncatcher

Dandylion, What you said about the lion with a thorn in his paw was so helpful to me and I wanted to thank you. I am going to look at my ex ABF that way from now on. I posted my story a while back about how I moved away from him to detach and gain some peace in my life. I do still care for him and the thorn in his paw is his alcoholism which hurts me and brings me down each time I go near him. So I have learned to love him from a distance and let him go. I recently found out he is seeing his old flame who is also an alcoholic. At first I was upset and hurt by it, but I have been so much happier living my life and finding me again that it actually helped me to move on and let go of him for good this time. I also have been attending Al Anon meetings just to undo some of the damage that has been done to my brain and to begin the healing process. Thanks and sorry I went off on a tangent. Everyone here and all the posts are like soothing music to my troubled soul.

suncatcher

Summerpeach, I am also codependent and working on those issues. (My issues for a change instead of my ex ABF's issues) I have read so many great books that were a big comfort to me, "Codepedent No More" and "How to Break Your Addiction to a Person" are two that I found the most helpful.

I also plan to stay single for at least a year, maybe more so that I won't tolerate the same behaviors and fall into the same pattern as with my ex ABF.

Good Luck to you and stay strong. It feels good to stand up for ourselves, doesn't it?! Even if people who you used to let walk all over you can't take it, keep up the good work!

Summerpeach

Thanks for all the great shares everyone....I am staying strong to my recovery and not that it's been tough because now, it's who I am. I can never go back.

I've taken cr&p for way too long

Summerpeach

I finally hit my breaking point just now.
I never realized (or wanted to admit) my family was so emotionally dysfunctional until I walked into Al Anon and realized the truth.

Yesterday we all had plans for lunch, but then the place for lunch changed and they decided to go to a place 45 mins from me. I asked if we could meet half way and they refused. I was all ready to go but refused to give in to them so stayed home.

My Mom just calls me and it's always a convo of walking on egg shells. I can't say anything without her negative angry words shooting out like bullets from her mouth.
So I lost it.....I am always so docile and "take it" and just now, I lost it on her.
And like any good emotional unstable person, she turns the tables on me and says "why are you being so negative"
I lost it at that point and just told her off. Her reply "Now I'm going to be sick in bed for 3 days, why are u doing this to me"
Then she started to yell and she told me to go "F myself", so I hung up on her.
Ahhhhh he famous guilt trips! When I was little and I would stand up to her when she was drunk, she would hide in bed for days and my Dad would say "you did this to her"

I have ALWAYS been the family punching bag and in the last year, I've stood up for myself and they hate it.
I'm in tears right now. AMAZING when you start to heal how you see the patterns of your life and why/ how you became to "be this way"

I've had it with them.....just had it!