MTD

My husband and I married three years ago both drunk and have been since. He is in rehab and I am going to AA. I have been sober five days now and he will be home in a week What I fear is do we really have a relationship of were we just to drunks that enabled each other? I am scared for our marriage. Do we know who we really are or jus the drunk person that we married? Don't know if our relationship will survive sobriety.

EndGameNYC

Impossible to answer your questions, but natural to ask them.

Not knowing is scary for most people. Having both begun taking care of yourselves, you each have much to learn about yourselves, your relationship and each other.

If you can slow down and cooperate with your recovery, you'll be able to better manage all the anxiety that comes with your present dilemma. Allowing yourself to accept help from professionals and compassionate others will go a long way in your journey out of the wilderness.

360shoes

Hi MTD,
I think you can both can make it whatever you want as long as you both want the same thing. Maybe check out a marriage counselor. Can't hurt to get a professional to help you both through the changes. I think thats what I would do. I couldn't even pretend to know how to navigate my way through that so I'd ask for help. Somethings I do know how to deal with and somethings I just don't.

Just my opinion.

Dee74

I think thats a common fear among couples here MTD.
My gut feeling is, after 3 years, you probably have more going on for you than a shared love of booze

there are some rough seas ahead, no doubt - early recovery is never easy - but it's way too soon to come to any conclusions yet - give it some time - see what happens

D

Nuudawn

Rootin' for ya MTD. I can only imagine your fears...but ya know, the whole one day at a time would be appropriate in all instances. Really hope you keep posting..especially if the water's get rough

Jeni26

We married as drunks too MTD. In fact, we used to laugh that neither of us can quite recall his proposal as we were both blind drunk. I had to check the next day that I'd actually remembered the conversation right, and what in fact, I'd replied!

That was 23 years ago. We drank heavily throughout our marriage, had kids, and were mostly happy. We surrounded ourselves with other drinkers and never really questioned it, although there were so many warning signs we both ignored.

About 10 years ago though, the heavy drinking crossed over that line into alcoholism for us both. Things stopped being fun, we both did lots of things we regret now.

We gave up together 14 months ago. Yes, I was scared and so was he. We had literally no experience of living together sober. It was like getting to know someone for the first time, plus we were struggling with our own withdrawals, cravings and general angst of early recovery. He was angry a lot. I was anxious a lot. We had some growing up to do, seriously we were like a couple of middle-aged teenagers emotionally.

We are doing well, very happy now. It took a lot of love, patience and tolerance from us both to make it through that first year. But it was so worth it.

No-one can predict what the future holds for us, or for the 2 of you, but I just wanted to say it is possible. If we can do it, anything is possible. Best wishes to you x

Lightning Bug

My husband and I met as drinkers. For the last 7 years (except the 18 months I was pregnant with our children) we have spent our free time drinking.

I am recovering, he is not. I pray we stay together - we have to find things to do together that don't involve drinking.

noexcuse

Love this thread, MTD. My husband and I are in the same boat. We met each other at a bar and partied together for a couple years before we got married. We eloped in Key West, and we were both kind of drunk at our ceremony on the beach. Romantic, right? We are both in recovery now, and I hope that we grow together. We've got a lot of work to do on ourselves first, though.

For me, the hardest part with this is to stay out of his program (or lack of one, if that happens). We have quit drinking together many times, but it has been just as many times that we've started drinking together again. We have both used each other as an excuse. At times when I have felt weak or tempted, I've said it to him, hinting that I would be OK with him picking something up on his way home... I've justified it to myself that if he is doing it, I could or should too. We've become very codependent over the years, and if we can't break that cycle, I don't think our relationship can survive. My sobriety - and your sobriety - cannot be dependent on anyone else. That has been my biggest, unacknowledged challenge in all of my previous attempts.

I'm really glad that you posted this. I needed to acknowledge this about myself, too.

Jeni26

I totally agree. Your sobriety needs to be independent of his, and for us, who had lived in such an unhealthy codependent relationship for years, this took some adjusting to.

I'm in AA, he doesn't follow any formal program at all. We just allowed each each other to follow our own paths. We sort of instinctively knew when each other were struggling, and just tried to make life a bit easier at those times. We never got into any big conversations during our struggles for fear of triggering the other. I mean if I was honest, there were times I knew if I'd suggested 'F it, lets go buy some beers', he would have agreed. And that would have been it. So when I struggled I posted here, or hit a meeting.
We discovered different ways to spend our time, we have dropped all but 1 of our old drinking crowd. Life is less manic and drama filled. It is so much better in every way.
We talk about our old life now as though it was a lifetime ago. But we both know, it will always be just a drink away x

honeypig

Welcome, MTD, and I hope you find a lot of help here. I surely have.

I wonder if doing some reading/posting over in the Family and Friends of Alcoholics section Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information might be useful for you? Clearly you need to keep your sobriety in the forefront, but the F&F section may have something to offer also.

We have several "double winners" (recovering alcoholics who are/were also in relationships w/alcoholics) over there who you can likely relate to and learn from. Lots of ESH!

Again, welcome and wishing you all the strength and clarity you need to make it!

MTD

Wow thanks to all of you for the support and feedback. Noexcuse that is exactly how we operated. If he came home with beer and I didn't plan on drinking I would tell myself its okay he is having one and vice versa I wanted to drink I would say hey do you want a beer and that would open the door to getting drunk. Not that I ever really need a door to open I would open anything to get drunk!! Six days and feeling like this might work.
Stay strong and sober!!!

Eleni58

I have the same fear, MTD. My boyfriend and I have been together 4 years. He still drinks (although not nearly as much as I did)...but he DOES get drunk about once a month. I am very anxious and nervous about the first time he comes home drunk and I am sober.