ChocolateDonut

Hey everyone. I just joined tonight. I've been reading for a few weeks now, however, because my husband confessed to being an addict a few weeks ago. His drug of choice is/was opiates. He has started a methadone program and says he's feeling like a new person, which is super great. The problem? I think I'm an addict, too....but I don't know.

I'm a pain managment patient and started taking prescribed oxycodone about three years ago. I'm actually NOT fond of being high, but I like the energy I get from the pills and how it helps me to be more active, especially with my kids.
Last Saturday I took my last dose and haven't had any since. I was on 10mgs 4/day. Most of the time I would take more than my prescribed dose so I could get more done around the house and be more active with my three kids. The w/ds were awful and I swore them off forever but now I'm having second thoughts.
I'm not happy.
I'm in pain.
I'm exhausted.
I'm not sleeping.
I could care less about being around people.
This sucks.
I have been opiate free almost two weeks. I'm not sure why I shouldn't get back on them. I don't want my husband to relapse by having them in the house, but don't I deserve a quality of life, too?
Or am I just an addict trying to justify my actions?

Anna

It sounds like you might be trying to justify your actions.

I think two weeks drug free is great, but it might take a bit more patience before you feel better. The main thing to remember is that stopping the drug or alcohol is just the beginning. That's when you have to do the hard work. What are the feelings you've been trying to hide from by taking the drugs? You have created someone who is full of energy and fun, but is that the real you? Figuring out why you were taking drugs (beyond what was prescribed) will help you in your recovery.

Dee74

Hi ChocolateDonut

I think you have to take your husband out of the equation here for a minute. This is about you, really, I think.

You liked the energy you got, you took more than the prescribed dose, it helped you cope with life, and now two weeks in you're miserable and resentful cos you're not taking them.

To be honest? that ticks a lot of addiction boxes.

Noone deserves to be in pain, no, but have you explored other options like physical therapy, heat pads, and other non medication based solutions? (I don't know what would be applicable, but I do have experience with chronic pain and finding the right solutions)

Have you spoken to your Dr at all about your dilemna?

D

BabyJane

I became addicted to opiates for the same reasons. I was what most would consider a functioning addict. I had responsibilities and obligations. I had a job and a car and I rarely took enough to just nod out - that was never the goal I just wanted to escape from my chronic depression, lethargy and the medical issues I was having (which, to be honest, in MY case were exaggerated at times). Please don't think I'm saying your pain issues are not legitimate though. I totally believe you were more in need of actual pain relief, and I'm sure you were doing what your doctor suggested in the beginning, but our bodies get used to the opiates and unfortunately it causes problems for many people when they try to quit because even if its only a physical addiction the withdraw is real and it sucks! For me it has taken months. I won't lie to you. I still feel the ways you describe far too often. I just know I can't go back. And I know it will get better. Last time I had surgery I got some Vicodin and I was terrified. Right away I liked them again. Next time I will be giving the pills to a sober friend or not taking them at all! Like Dee said there are some good alternatives. I hope you find what you are looking for here. No one will judge you. We all support each other. I think you're very brave to take a look at this. I wish you the very best. Hang in!

ChocolateDonut

Thanks for the replies so far.

I started out being afraid of the meds. I was flat out refusing to even TRY opiates for my pain. I've done physical therapy a bunch of times, water therapy, massages, nerve blocks, even had my nerves burned....nothing helped. My insurance doesn't pay for much so every med we tried wasn't covered and I couldn't afford. I finally broke down and tried the oxycodone. It worked with very minimal side effects. I was in love. Not high and not in pain. But then they became my crutch. ....which they have been since. Got laundry to do? Take a pill! Wanna bake some cupcakes? Take a pill. We became very good friends. Then a whole bunch of bad life stuff happened and the pills became an escape. I blurred the lines.
I'm not happy because I feel like my life isn't in my control and I'm not sure how to change it.
I see my dr on Friday. He doesn't know any of this yet, but he will on Friday.

BabyJane

Wow it took me a long time to get totally honest with a doctor. Good for you! I just want to say again that you are amazingly brave and strong to do this, especially with what you've been through in terms of living with legit pain issues. I so relate to the "take a pill!" thing! I was all about my little helpers. My mom too, is like this, although I don't place much blame on her for my addiction, but she's always trying to give people Xanax and painkillers! She thinks its normal to just have a pharmacy in her purse. Lol. I'm still taking anti depressants but otherwise I'm off the pharmacy train. Someday soon I hope to be off all medications. My goal is a year from now. I firmly believe you can do it too, with or without other meds. For me, the depression wasn't lifting after a while and I had to go back to the drawing board but I will never use opiates as my happy pills again it totally backfired on me! You have made it two weeks though and that's a miracle. You're going to see improvements soon, I'm sure. Welcome again and keep coming around! Hugs

sugarbear1

I felt the same as you in early recovery.

2+ years later, I don't feel any of that!

Stay strong and stay stopped! You are worth it!

ChocolateDonut

Thank you.

I have to admit I'm a little sad about it. I feel like, for the past two years, I've been put through life hell and I just want a break. I feel like, "what about me?". Like, don't I deserve to have a pain free life? But then I think about the withdrawals I went through and how I never want to go through that again. And I really want to be healthy. The pain meds don't make me healthy.
I remember before the meds I loved my life, despite any struggles-I could make anything great. I feel like they stole that.

andisa

Not that I ever go to the doctor unless there's an emergency (which there recently was), but when asked about drug use I could barely even admit to smoking cigarettes, much less anything else. That sort of secrecy does nobody any good. I think the secrecy and the "what about me?" attitude is a major factor in keeping us addicts. Closet addicts. Before you know it you're living your whole life in a closet. If we can't at least admit our addition to a doctor, who is there to help us, it's clear we have a serious problem. So I do hope you can be honest when you go in on Friday. Maybe one day I can be so honest too.

ChocolateDonut

That's a good point.
I feel like I HAVE to be honest about everything that's happened. I HOPE we have a good enough rapport after three years that he'll continue to help me live a semi-normal life without opiates. I feel like, despite what I WANT, I can't have the pills in the house. I don't want it to hurt my husband's sobriety-so the decision is no longer really mine to make-which is a blessing in disguise, really.

andisa

OK so here's an example of the weird sick twisted thinking that goes through the addict's head when they can't have their drugs. Consider this: Some time from now, a week or a month or even a year, you find yourself wanting the pills only you can't have them, and why? Because of your husband's addiction. So you say to yourself. You find yourself blaming him. You get angry with him for keeping you from your drugs. I'm serious, that's how the addict brain can work. Be careful when you build the foundation of your abstinence on anything other than doing it for yourself. External reasons are not a firm foundation to build on. Just a thought to consider.

cleaninLI

Hi there chocolate doughnut,
I'm an oppiate addict in recovery. 5 months off the Oxys. I can certainly relate to you about needing a pill for this and pill for that. I used them for energy too. I'm a mother of 4 and worked full-time. I felt those pills made me "supermom". If you've been through the physical withdrawals and your two weeks post oppiates your probably going through paws right now. I will send you a link. Trust me it does get better. Congratulations on your 2 weeks. I'm glad you signed up here at SR.

ChocolateDonut

Thanks for the replies.
I don't want it to appear like I'm using my husband as an excuse, but it's a good "push". I've known for a while that I blurred the lines, I just couldn't be honest about it fully. I knew that if he was still using, I would too. Now that he's not, I can confidently say I'm done. Does that make sense?

I actually slept eight hours last night. Sadly, oxy is all I thought about since I woke up, though.

pinkdog

Hi! It sounds like you are doing a good job of being honest and searching yourself. When I quit drinking, I felt I had no choice. I was backed into a corner. I felt I could have alcohol or everything else. I still feel that way. Over 3 years sober. It's a choice. Choose everything else that life has good to offer. Keep going. You are on a good path now.

Lightning Bug

I just wanted to say Welcome, and I think it is awesome that you are here talking about this.