How to Connect During the Rare Sober Evening?
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Join Date: Jul 2013
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How to Connect During the Rare Sober Evening?
Hi all~
I'm still relatively new here so I can't post links, but you can find my brief story under the "HFA: Past, Present & the Future" thread.
Do you find it difficult to interact with your alcoholic partner while he/she is sober? Recently, I find myself unable to show love and genuine concern and care for our relationship. (Certainly I care about him and his health, well-being, etc.) With the exception of this past Sunday night, I can't remember the last time he hasn't spent 7:00pm - bedtime under the influence. During that sober evening, I found it nearly impossible to interact and connect with him in an engaging and meaningful way. I don't know if it's my own emotions preventing this or if it has been so long since we spent a sober evening together that I don't know/forget how to communicate. Any thoughts on this?
Thanks in advance for any comments and advice
I'm still relatively new here so I can't post links, but you can find my brief story under the "HFA: Past, Present & the Future" thread.
Do you find it difficult to interact with your alcoholic partner while he/she is sober? Recently, I find myself unable to show love and genuine concern and care for our relationship. (Certainly I care about him and his health, well-being, etc.) With the exception of this past Sunday night, I can't remember the last time he hasn't spent 7:00pm - bedtime under the influence. During that sober evening, I found it nearly impossible to interact and connect with him in an engaging and meaningful way. I don't know if it's my own emotions preventing this or if it has been so long since we spent a sober evening together that I don't know/forget how to communicate. Any thoughts on this?
Thanks in advance for any comments and advice
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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A relationship is a 24/7 two-way street. It requires consistent if not constant effort from both parties to maintain.
Do you think it's realistic to try to compartmentalize a week's worth of communication, interaction, and intimacy into one sober evening? Even couples whose lives demand frequent physical separation can maintain a relationship if they are both emotionally present. I don't see your A holding up his end of the bargain the rest of the week...
Do you think it's realistic to try to compartmentalize a week's worth of communication, interaction, and intimacy into one sober evening? Even couples whose lives demand frequent physical separation can maintain a relationship if they are both emotionally present. I don't see your A holding up his end of the bargain the rest of the week...
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Wisconsin
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As a recovering alcoholic, I can say that even when I WASNT drinking, I was either hungover, thinking of drinking, or my mind was a mess.
Its probably not you.
ETA: Not drinking for a few hours, or even an evening is far different from sober. For a true alcoholic, it takes a minimum of weeks before you are thinking remotely clearly. IMHO.
Its probably not you.
ETA: Not drinking for a few hours, or even an evening is far different from sober. For a true alcoholic, it takes a minimum of weeks before you are thinking remotely clearly. IMHO.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
take some time to sort things out
Originally Posted by BeYourself1 
Thanks in advance for any comments and advice
for the loved ones
it's like two strangers getting together for the first time
with time
they either grow together or grow apart
many who enter recovery get fast notions to
either leave a relationship
or stay in an unhealthy one
or
want everything back to normal right now
best for all involved to take some time to sort things out
as we
build a new foundation based on sobriety
Mountainman
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Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 1,218
Originally Posted by BeYourself1
Hi all~
I'm still relatively new here so I can't post links, but you can find my brief story under the "HFA: Past, Present & the Future" thread.
Do you find it difficult to interact with your alcoholic partner while he/she is sober? Recently, I find myself unable to show love and genuine concern and care for our relationship. (Certainly I care about him and his health, well-being, etc.) With the exception of this past Sunday night, I can't remember the last time he hasn't spent 7:00pm - bedtime under the influence. During that sober evening, I found it nearly impossible to interact and connect with him in an engaging and meaningful way. I don't know if it's my own emotions preventing this or if it has been so long since we spent a sober evening together that I don't know/forget how to communicate. Any thoughts on this?
Thanks in advance for any comments and advice
I'm still relatively new here so I can't post links, but you can find my brief story under the "HFA: Past, Present & the Future" thread.
Do you find it difficult to interact with your alcoholic partner while he/she is sober? Recently, I find myself unable to show love and genuine concern and care for our relationship. (Certainly I care about him and his health, well-being, etc.) With the exception of this past Sunday night, I can't remember the last time he hasn't spent 7:00pm - bedtime under the influence. During that sober evening, I found it nearly impossible to interact and connect with him in an engaging and meaningful way. I don't know if it's my own emotions preventing this or if it has been so long since we spent a sober evening together that I don't know/forget how to communicate. Any thoughts on this?
Thanks in advance for any comments and advice
I don't know how yours acts when not drinking, but just the other night mine didn't drink, and did his one of his usual routines (there are a couple) of not saying anything to me really unless I say something first, not even looking in my direction etc. I don't believe he was intentionally ignoring me. I know when he's doing that intentionally. He just doesn't even really know how to act when not drunk (not that he knows how to act while drunk, but that's another thread entirely lol). I made minimal effort to interact and an finally fine with that. Used to upset me. Now I understand. Not saying it's ok, I just understand. He's not trying to ignore me - he's actually quite clueless.
Did yours shut down almost entirely when not drinking? Did he not know what to do? What do you think? I can't say you this or him that, I'm not there to see. Just throwing it out there about how mine gets, maybe you are in a similar boat.
Once I stopped getting upset, I'm quite fine to be left alone. It's peaceful at least. That is, when he isn't acting like a dry drunk. I now leave the room or even the house. Did yours do either of those things?
If not how is he acting?
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Join Date: May 2013
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Originally Posted by DoubleBarrel
As a recovering alcoholic, I can say that even when I WASNT drinking, I was either hungover, thinking of drinking, or my mind was a mess.
Its probably not you.
ETA: Not drinking for a few hours, or even an evening is far different from sober. For a true alcoholic, it takes a minimum of weeks before you are thinking remotely clearly. IMHO.
Its probably not you.
ETA: Not drinking for a few hours, or even an evening is far different from sober. For a true alcoholic, it takes a minimum of weeks before you are thinking remotely clearly. IMHO.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 35
@SparkleKitty: Congratulations! You win the grand prize! lol We are right back to the same old pattern. Your observations are absolutely correct and have given me a lot to think about. While reflecting on the distance during the relationship, we always spoke at night. I knew he was drinking, but since it wasn't in front of me, I could trick myself into ignoring it. He thinks we had this great "emotional connection" during those conversations. In contrast, now I think, was a genuine emotional connection actually there? No. Thanks for putting things into perspective.
@DoubleBarrel: Thank you for sharing your experiences from when you sat in the other chair. In the past, when he told me that it had nothing to do with me, I couldn't believe that for one moment. Now, I do believe him - it's his problem, not mine.
@MountainMan: Your advice will certainly be heeded. Taking a break doesn't mean taking a break forever (but it could). And, it is absolutely necessary to build from a solid foundation (which I thought we had, of course). If he doesn't think so, then on to greener pastures for both of us. My typically impatient attitude has been reduced to no expectations whatsoever.
We are right back to the same old pattern. Your observations are absolutely correct and have given me a lot to think about. While reflecting on the distance during the relationship, we always spoke at night. I knew he was drinking, but since it wasn't in front of me, I could trick myself into ignoring it. He thinks we had this great "emotional connection" during those conversations. In contrast, now I think, was a genuine emotional connection actually there? No. Thanks for putting things into perspective.@DoubleBarrel: Thank you for sharing your experiences from when you sat in the other chair. In the past, when he told me that it had nothing to do with me, I couldn't believe that for one moment. Now, I do believe him - it's his problem, not mine.
@MountainMan: Your advice will certainly be heeded. Taking a break doesn't mean taking a break forever (but it could). And, it is absolutely necessary to build from a solid foundation (which I thought we had, of course). If he doesn't think so, then on to greener pastures for both of us. My typically impatient attitude has been reduced to no expectations whatsoever.
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For a while, any sober evening gave me hope and I was all over it, serving him and being present and sitting admiringly at his feet in the hope that if I just rewarded him for being sober he would become sober.
Later, the rare sober evenings made me want to yell "F*** YOU!" when he expected me to want to interact. Seriously? You really think being sober one night fixes it all?
Later, the rare sober evenings made me want to yell "F*** YOU!" when he expected me to want to interact. Seriously? You really think being sober one night fixes it all?
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Port Moody, BC
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Originally Posted by DoubleBarrel
As a recovering alcoholic, I can say that even when I WASNT drinking, I was either hungover, thinking of drinking, or my mind was a mess.
Its probably not you.
ETA: Not drinking for a few hours, or even an evening is far different from sober. For a true alcoholic, it takes a minimum of weeks before you are thinking remotely clearly. IMHO.
Its probably not you.
ETA: Not drinking for a few hours, or even an evening is far different from sober. For a true alcoholic, it takes a minimum of weeks before you are thinking remotely clearly. IMHO.
Right on the money about taking weeks to clear the fog
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
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DoubleBarrel is right. No way, no how, are you going to "connect in a meaningful way" with an alcoholic who is merely "dry" at the moment. He doesn't have the ability to do it, no matter what you do, how you feel, what you say.
It generally takes months of recovery before such a "meaningful connection" is even POSSIBLE.
It generally takes months of recovery before such a "meaningful connection" is even POSSIBLE.
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Originally Posted by lillamy
For a while, any sober evening gave me hope and I was all over it, serving him and being present and sitting admiringly at his feet in the hope that if I just rewarded him for being sober he would become sober.
Later, the rare sober evenings made me want to yell "F*** YOU!" when he expected me to want to interact. Seriously? You really think being sober one night fixes it all?
Later, the rare sober evenings made me want to yell "F*** YOU!" when he expected me to want to interact. Seriously? You really think being sober one night fixes it all?
I was the same way. Now that were separated I don't have to care anymore. It's a blessing to be alone because you choose to rather than because your partner is passed out.
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Oh boy....this really hits me where it hurts. My AH keeps reproaching me of being distant, cold, unfeeling, etc...Makes me feel like a monster, actually, because I'm not attentive to his needs, I don't cuddle, I lack tenderness and emotion towards him. All I feel like saying is to take a flying leap! How dare he expect me to turn on and off according to HIS schedule. What does he expect? How can you lie constantly, refuse to acknowledge your addiction, ignore your wife's pain, make stupid and irresponsible decisions and still think the I'll "be there for you"? I mean, really?
For the longest time, AH used to just act like nothing happened after an "episode"; and I would be dumbfounded...then I started doing the same, but just ignoring him instead...and here we are now. We don't "talk", we don't "share", because I feel betrayed, because the connection is broken....but he continues to say he loves me and wants us to work things out and wants to "share my pain"?? I'm at a loss.
lillamy- your message reminded me of when my AH "decided" to quit drinking for a month last January. I took him out to dinner a few days before the end of the month, and during dinner I brought up the subject of the month almost being over. I told him I was proud of him, that he did good during the whole month, and that I would love for him to continue into February- but he didn't and his excuse was that "nothing changed in a month so what's the use?" Just super!
I don't know if this rings true for any of you, but my take on this is that addiction affects everything. I remember telling my AH many years ago that his drinking problem was like a dark cloud following us around, just getting bigger and bigger-and that the more he lied the more it ate away at our relationship...and here we are now.
For the longest time, AH used to just act like nothing happened after an "episode"; and I would be dumbfounded...then I started doing the same, but just ignoring him instead...and here we are now. We don't "talk", we don't "share", because I feel betrayed, because the connection is broken....but he continues to say he loves me and wants us to work things out and wants to "share my pain"?? I'm at a loss.
lillamy- your message reminded me of when my AH "decided" to quit drinking for a month last January. I took him out to dinner a few days before the end of the month, and during dinner I brought up the subject of the month almost being over. I told him I was proud of him, that he did good during the whole month, and that I would love for him to continue into February- but he didn't and his excuse was that "nothing changed in a month so what's the use?" Just super!
I don't know if this rings true for any of you, but my take on this is that addiction affects everything. I remember telling my AH many years ago that his drinking problem was like a dark cloud following us around, just getting bigger and bigger-and that the more he lied the more it ate away at our relationship...and here we are now.
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your message reminded me of when my AH "decided" to quit drinking for a month last January. I took him out to dinner a few days before the end of the month, and during dinner I brought up the subject of the month almost being over. I told him I was proud of him, that he did good during the whole month, and that I would love for him to continue into February- but he didn't and his excuse was that "nothing changed in a month so what's the use?" Just super!
("because" used loosely here -- an alcoholic will always find an excuse to drink...)
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I think that’s always the misconception – just because he hadn’t poured alcohol into his system that night doesn’t means he’s sober in any fashion. You are still trying to communicate with a alcohol soaked brain.
I think it’s best to just focus on YOU and on what you want out of life. What makes you happy and content…………and where YOUR solution doesn’t depend on HIM changing.
I think it’s best to just focus on YOU and on what you want out of life. What makes you happy and content…………and where YOUR solution doesn’t depend on HIM changing.
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I don't connect with my AH on those rare sober evenings, and I don't know if it is because I can't or won't. Or both. (Not even going to begin to speculate on his ability or willingness, because it doesn't really matter.) I may no longer feel the emotional intimacy necessary for healthy interaction, or I may be cultivating that distance because hope is ONE DISAPPOINTED B!TCH. Either reason achieves the same goal: protecting myself from the feelings of grief, anger, disappointment, betrayal, etc. The nagging little voice in my head says I may be withholding affection as some sort of passive-aggressive punishment, but even if that accusation is true, I don't believe I could do anything differently. My emotional well-being and my sanity depend on the distance and are too important to sacrifice for what has begun to feel like an emotional one-night stand.
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After all the maltreatment and hostility, I genuinely stopped wanting to be around him. I was no longer interested in anything he had to say because I had lost confidence that he meant it. I had been taught by experience that I wasn't really important to him and he was only "being nice" until there was another opportunity to drink at which point he would become s%$#-faced and expect me to be jolly and fun right alongside with him.
When I knew that we had 3 children and if they were going to be fed, bathed, and put to bed, it would be all at my own initiative and efforts.
The times when he wanted to tell me his ideas for his office, our house, our lives together, I didn't believe him because I knew he wouldn't follow through and would resent me when I asked "weren't we going to...?" or "didn't you want to...?"
and yeah, I just lost all feeling and warmth for him and felt like a wolf in a trap.
I just don't connect emotionally with people who don't really care. Not anymore.
When I knew that we had 3 children and if they were going to be fed, bathed, and put to bed, it would be all at my own initiative and efforts.
The times when he wanted to tell me his ideas for his office, our house, our lives together, I didn't believe him because I knew he wouldn't follow through and would resent me when I asked "weren't we going to...?" or "didn't you want to...?"
and yeah, I just lost all feeling and warmth for him and felt like a wolf in a trap.
I just don't connect emotionally with people who don't really care. Not anymore.
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@OnawaMiniya: Thank you for sharing your experiences with your AH. I'm sorry to hear how he interacts on those sober occasions. Your first paragraph sums up how I feel perfectly. Over the past couple of weeks, I notice myself sort of shutting down at night. It's not like he is in a bad mood while drinking (my mom likes to say, "at least he is a happy drunk" lol), he is actually quite happy, relaxed and tries to be loving/caring. When he didn't drink the other night, we just sat there. I did some work on the computer and he did a few things around the house. We ended the night with some TV and then went to bed. Nothing fantastic. I knew he was bored out of his freaking mind but I just went along as normal. We hardly spoke. It was pathetic. I doubt he will have another sober night while I am in the picture. On that note, I don't think he has any idea how to occupy his night and process the day without alcohol. At this point, I feel completely helpless (finally) and am struggling to interact with him on a daily basis. We work together most days of the week and I fear I am developing feelings of resentment. I've never been good at handling/hiding/processing that emotion. Do you (or anyone else) feel that way? How should it be handled?
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Originally Posted by lillamy
For a while, any sober evening gave me hope and I was all over it, serving him and being present and sitting admiringly at his feet in the hope that if I just rewarded him for being sober he would become sober.
Later, the rare sober evenings made me want to yell "F*** YOU!" when he expected me to want to interact. Seriously? You really think being sober one night fixes it all?
Later, the rare sober evenings made me want to yell "F*** YOU!" when he expected me to want to interact. Seriously? You really think being sober one night fixes it all?
Are you Miss Cleo? Are you reading my mind right now?
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