frostedolive

When I found out my husband was taking prescription pills, my heart broke into a million billion pieces. I'll never forget the way it literally hurt, like... ouch, hurt. Or the way my whole heart sunk into the pit of my stomach as I uncovered more and more. This was just over a year ago.
I questioned if our marriage could withstand this.. the doubt was heavy to carry but I decided that I had to try. We did Marriage counseling he did a short week stent in outpatient rehab before he dropped out saying it wasn't for him and me being far too submissive about how I was being treated is how we made it this far. Having a brand new baby occupied my mind and heart from really realizing what was really happening.
One year later, almost to the day I found out my husband was still using.
A pill fell out of his pocket and bounced off the floor of my grandparents kitchen while we were having family dinner. I think that was the moment that our marriage was over.
But, fear and I suppose a little naive hope aided in me trying again to believe him.. to believe what I so desperately wanted to believe. That our love was strong enough to overcome this.
That was three weeks ago. Since, I have been begging for my loved ones advice, pleading with God to just answer the daunting question " Should I stay?" I wanted someone, anyone to just answer it for me..
This last weekend I bought a drug test and as I held it in my hands, trying to muster up the courage to walk into the next room where he sat with our son and ask my husband to take it.. something hit me.
It hit me so hard that it resonated within me. Almost as if my whole center of my being rotated and flipped upside down from where it was and had been for so long. And then... the answer came.
My heart answered. I heard it, loud and clear. It was my voice. I almost didn't recognize as it sounded so wise and sure. Calmly and collectively I heard myself say " I don't want to live like this anymore. I don't want a marriage where I have to drug test my husband. I deserve so much more than this." And then.. came the 7 words that would change my life forever. " I don't want to be married anymore"
And with that decision that my heart helped me realize, I put away the drug test and walked into the room where my husband sat watching television as our son played and said " I don't want to do this anymore"
And he agreed.
As much as I would love to say that it ended calmly and without any cruel words, I would be lying.
And I would be lying if I said I wasn't heartbroken over my failed marriage. The loss of my best friend.
But, unlike the times before I know with all my heart that this is what has to happen. This is the best decision for me and my son.
I can't lay all of the blame on my husband for the dissolving of our marriage. I take responsibility as I played a part. I know that it was me who fell so desperately in love with him.. and immediately turned my head at all the red flags and instead of letting go way back when, I created the man I wanted my husband to be. Then would be angry when he didn't fit that man I had dreamed up. It was a toxic relationship. To both of us.
Now, we leave our marriage looking like soldiers just walking out of battle. Shell shocked. Emotionally vacant. Utterly Exhausted. And not the same person as we were when we went in.
I will be grateful for it though. Because, out of it all I will always have the very best of my Husband and he will always have the best of me, in our son. He was the reason for it all.
It may get worse before it gets better. Hell, it may be worse before it gets worse. I pray to find grace, forgiveness and respect. I hope to handle our divorce with all of those aspects and I pray that he gets the help he so desperately needs. Although, I won't hold my breath. He doesn't think he has a problem. That's what is so scary about him.. he is a functioning addict/borderline alcoholic and is able to hide his addiction well.
I will fight for my son. I will go for full custody. I want more than anything for my son to have his Daddy be a strong part of his life. But, if I suspect he is using.. I don't think I will be able to help from preventing that.
I refuse to have my son experience even an inkling of what I went through with an addict as a parent.
Wish me luck as I embark on this new journey. As I close this door and open a new chapter and release the pain of drugs from my life.

DecBaby

You'll be fine. You'll be better than you have ever been. And your son will too! I wish someone had said those words to me. I would've left a lot sooner. I was married to an addict. I became an addict too. To say the relationship was toxic is an understatement. I stayed for the kids. That's what I told myself. I should've left for the kids. I would've saved everyone lots of heartache. But what's done it done. Just keep moving forward. You'll be fine. You'll be great!

frostedolive

Thank you so much. Its nice to hear reassurement from someone who has gone through it and is on the other side.

Eve13

frostedolive, wow! good.for.you! You sound like an amazing person with a strong spirit.

frostedolive

Eve,
Thank you. Ever so much. Im trying to be. I feel good. I feel free. Its sad. I have my moments... but overall.. I know that this what has to happen. And it'll be ok again, very soon. I have so much more waiting for me. Thank you for your support.

kblock0401

I love this post!!! My husband is also an addict and I think I've known for a couple of years now that I need to leave as well but mustering up the courage to do so is so hard. Best of luck to you and please (if you don't mind) post updates. I would go after full custody of our daughter too, but my husband is clean at the moment so I doubt I would win the battle.

alphaomega

This is FANTASTIC. How I wish my father would have has the guts to leave my alcoholic uber controlling mother. She was scare-y.

Good for you Frosted. So good for you.

frostedolive

Kblock,
Thank you. I am very sorry to hear that you can relate.
Trust me, darling. It is SO Hard. Finding that courage and finally letting go. All I can say is the courage will find you when you are ready. It took me a long time to get to this point. I was never able to explain it to my loved ones as to why I chose to stay.. and try try again, time after time.
But, you know something.. for whatever reason I had to.
Trust your heart. It'll lead you where you need to be. Even if it is slow to speak.
I will post, most definatley. I am about to embark in what I fear may be a a very arduous and emotionally exhausting divorce.
He is moving in with a man who I know has a long histroy of drug abuse.
I am not sure what my options are.. I have ameeting tomorrow morning with a really great lawyer.
I don't want to be nasty, I dont want my son not to see his dad.. maybe court ordered drug tests?
We will just have to see..
I am also going to start maranon meetings.
Lots of luck to you on your journey.

frostedolive

alphaomega,
Thank you. Truly.
My Mother was an addict too. Im so sorry you experienced that growing up.
Sometimes its hard to let a person you love go.. even if they are poisining your spirit.

Sara21

You wrote what many of us have gone through, the emotions, the pain, the anger, and the hope. I'm sorry for what you are going through. I, too, have decided to file for divorce from my husband and I can relate to what you are going through, especially the part about leaving the battlefield torn and exhausted.

It hasn't been easy, but I am grateful for the peace I have found. I would literally walk in from work with knots in my stomach because I did not know what would be waiting for me at home. I got tired of the lies, the fights, and the blame game. He was a great husband when he was sober, and I miss him a lot, but the drugs changed him into someone I couldn't live with anymore. I had to break free or go down with the ship.

I'm grateful for the support I found on this forum and I know I'll be ok. You will be too. There are some days that are harder than others. That's when you lean on your faith, family and friends to help you get through it. Remember, you are not alone.

Good luck with everything.
Hugs

KLM

Frosted... Wow. What a post. Good for you for finding that strength!! The rawness in your post made me bawl my eyes out. Thank you for writing.
Wishing the best for you.

jerect

I could have written your post 8 months ago ((((hugs))))) it takes a lot of courage to stand up for yourself and say enough, I'm done, I can't live like this anymore..

Like you, I tried everything to save my marriage.. Went to
Marriage counseling and the counselor told me he couldn't help us until my ex got clean.. Ex went to rehab twice and twice he relapsed... I spent many crazy moments going through his things looking for drugs, begging him, pleading with him and trying to reason with him.. Then for two long years I just gave up, gave up on him, our marriage and worst of all myself... I was so lonely and so miserable and I began my own path of self destruction.. One day last fall, I came home and he was smoking something in his room.. Yes his room because he no longer shared a bedroom with me.. I confronted him and he grabbed me and shoved me.. That shove was the catalyst for me saying enough.. I'm done, I deserve better then this... Our divorce was final Dec 20th and all the fears I had of making it on one income were just that "fears".. Today I'm thriving and happier then I ever was when I was married to him.. I won't lie, I still struggle with a lot of resentment towards him and I'm still healing but I do not for one second regret my decision to leave him..

You are a brave and courageous woman and you are going to be better then fine.. You are going to be fantastic... Congratulations on your new journey

Sunshine2

Frosted, you describe that feeling one gets where you just know this is it very well. It took me 10 years to reach that with my son. I woke up one morning and it was as if a voice from deep within was talking to me and letting me know that I have reached the end of the road. My son left that day and it left me heartbroken but three years later I still know without a doubt that I did the right thing.

I hope you get through this peacefully.

eddiefive10

I'm at that point right now wife is in recovery right now and told me to come get her she couldn't stay there, I said no. Honestly my breaking point is coming, it's been coming for a while now!

wicked

<nodding>Yes, my ex, after we both went to rehab decided I was the only one with
the REAL problem and went back to alcohol and drugs within two weeks.
Denial is an amazingly powerful coping mechanism, and kept me in chains for awhile.

Your post was so real. Powerful.
Thank you for being here and telling your story.
amazing how I could almost hear that pill hit the floor. <sad smile>

Thank you. I was born to an alcoholic, became an alcoholic and then went on
to marry two alcoholics. I have two children who are addicted, and both are working
a recovery now.
You have the strength and the will to keep your son safe, I can hear it.
Keep coming back, you will get much support and help with those who have been
on your path.

kblock,

Keep looking for that sign. It is good that you are out of denial, and know you
must go sometime. Keep listening for that voice within you (it is in all of us) that
says "enough, enough of this life for me and my daughter."
It will come, as long as you are open to it.
You are not alone, and keep coming back.

Beth

wicked

You too eddie!
You said no!
that is great, such a powerful move for yourself.
Keep taking care of yourself.
Saying no to her is saying yes to yourself.

Beth

frostedolive

Sara21, KLM, wicked, eddiefive10,jerect,Sunshine:
Thank you. I can't tell you how much your feedback, support and personal stories have helped.

eddiefive10

With my wife seriously it's one stupid thing after another, I guess when my wife first went to rehab a year ago I had my sites set really high that this is it finally she is done with drugs and alcohol. She was sober about 6 months before she was back smoking crack, drinking and doing who knows what else. I still to this day attend alanon and hope that she can move forward in her life and live a sober healthy life, but now my hopes aren't set very high. We have 2 daughters together ages 5 and 7, they are fully aware and scared to death of mommys addictions. I don't know what the future holds, but I hope it's better than the past.

frostedolive

eddiefive,
Im terribly sorry you and your sweet girls have to go through this. You can make it better for them and yourself. You be the role model and the glue and support they need. And let God and friends be yours.
Lots of luck.