netta1966

Hello everyone, We have been married almost 7 years and for the first four years, we hardly argued. We both enjoyed drinking. In fact, when I met him he didn't drink but he started to social drink with me. It later became a daily for me and him, then a problem. I started to see the progression from social to daily, then arguments, and sometimes he would get angry while drinking. But over the past year, it got really bad where i couldn't be around him. He was drinking more and becoming even more biligerent. He's manage to maintain his job, his daily workouts, for over 20 years but drank immediately when he got home. When he wasn't drinking as much, we did things together and everything was great. But those days were becoming far and few between. We don't have children. We have major financial problems due to him blowing all his money on alcohol. The bottom for me happened about
almost a month ago today, He was being obnoxious so i left the house and went to my mother's house. He came up there threatening me and driving like a maniac, he said things to me and my mother i've never thought i would hear. He acted like a crazy person. I called the law on him to file a report but that was it. He went home, next day called to apologize. He has admitted in the past that he wanted to quit drinking, he hated himself, felt trapped. He decided to go to AA. He's been to 20 meetings (everyday) and its been going on a month. He's had two days in which he relapsed at the beginning. I see him getting better. Since July 3, i've been staying at my mother's house because i can't deal with his drunk episodes. I'm going to Al Anon weekly and going with him to some of his open meetings.

I'm still dealing with the emotional abuse so haven't come back home. i told him I need more time to heal. He seems to understand but sometimes i can see where he seems irritated that i'm not home. When do you know its time to come back? I'm living between two houses and really not sure what to do. I love him very much but i'm afraid to come home and he starts drinking again. He's still working his first couple steps. Do I wait and give him longer to sober up? Just wanted to hear from someone who understands what i'm going thru.

Thanks, Netta

Anna

Hi and Welcome,

It's not about sobering up, it's about recovery. Stopping drinking is only the beginning of the journey for an alcoholic.

You should go home if and when you feel comfortable. Do you have firm boundaries about behaviour that is acceptable or not?

netta1966

Marianne, thanks for your response. Im a little confused on the difference between sober and recovery. He's going to the meetings but he really doesn't have a sponsor and i don't feel that he's embracing the program yet. I'm not sure if i know what i'm talking about. But, we haven't discussed boundaries but i'm glad you brought that up. a definite must.

Sasha4

Netta don't let him dictate how long it takes for you to forgive him, or be less upset or go back home.

Forgiveness should be on your timeline's not his.
He is not the one who is hurt. You are.

Why not stay around here and post and read.

There is a section for friends and family of alcoholics on this forum.
There are some super wise, very experienced people who understand totally what you are going through.

Why not do some reading and posting there too. You are welcome here when ever you want though!

I wish you the best
xxxx

Mizzuno

Go home when you are ready. If that means months from now, that is what that means. Taking care of yourself is the priority. You do not have to be anywhere that is abusive and uncomfortable. I am glad that you have another home to reside in while all of this gets settled.
We are here for you, and please keep posting. It is good to see that you are taking care of yourself. Keep moving forward.

Carlotta

to SR Netta
We have a great friends and family forum and I hope you will join us there too
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

netta1966

I'm sad to say this but I'm almost giving up hope on the marriage. AH has been going to AA and now finishing up IOP, going to court tomorrow for his charges. All this and still continues to drink. He hasn't remained abstinent from alcohol more than five days. I have not returned home and don't know when or if i will. He still continues to play the victim, late night drunk calls blaming me for not being there (i guess the alcoholic wants the hostage home) doesn't get it? He's had people reach out to him to get him help and still drinks. He's cried out on his "sane" days saying he really doesn't want to be like this but he still drinks and goes to the bar. I've never witnessed so much insanity in my life. I'ts heartbreakening and sickening to me. I'm continue to go to Al-Anon twice a week. I want to know how come he doesn't understand my boundaries. I've told him many times, i will not come home while he's drinking. He's not shown any evidence of recovery. I blame myself for mothering him and now i thinks he wants a mother instead of a wife. I'm tired of this. Now i wish someone else would come along and sweep him off his feet.

Thanks for everyone's posts. They help provide me with insight and encouragement. Netta

least

Sounds like he has no intention of quitting. He just wants you back so he can have his 'target' in the house with him. It may be time for you to move on with your life.

FreeOwl

he continues to drink....

the answer to your question of when to return?

Not now. Not while he's drinking.

Sounds like you have some fairly clear boundaries in mind already and he's not able - presently - to honor those. Or himself.

I'm sorry for what you're going through but I think you're on the right track putting distance between you until he is firmly on a path of sobriety with a plan and actions to back it up.

ErikT

Are YOU still drinking??

ErikT

You started out mentioning that you were also drinking daily....then never mentioned your drinking again in your post.

netta1966

Erika, I still struggle with guilt because we drank a lot together the six years of our marriage. It wasn't until I saw it be becoming a problem that i stopped drimking hoping it would help him but it didn't. I don't drink now only on occasions. This disease has turned me off of it altogether.

netta1966

I went back and read my posts again and came to realize I'm just as insane as my AH. I'm blaming him for not working the program when I should be working my program better.

tootsl1

No netta, you are not insane, I do hear a lot of guilt, it seems you feel it is your fault he has become the person he is, because you introduced him to alcohol. I don't feel that is true, he has had many opportunities to stop, and plenty of support from you. Now is the time to say 'enough' and get on with the rest of your life.
I've been in your shoes and his shoes, so I do know what I am saying

netta1966

tootsl1 -I appreciate your response and you are so right, i feel so much guilt and sadness. He has plenty who support him. The part i'm having problems with is I still love him and i want what we had back and i don't think that's possible. I know you understand when I says it's like living a nightmare that you can't wake up from. But i keep praying and living one day at a time.

Thanks, Jeannette