twain

Wednesday morning, 5 am alarm shouting at me to get up and I can still taste the countless gin and tonics I had the night before. Can't bring myself to call in sick, so I drag my sorry arse out of bed and struggle to get into my work clothes. My legs feel like jelly, I cannot maintain my balance, occasionally using a wall to stabilize myself as I pull my boots on. As I walk out to the car to start warming it up, I realise I'm living the previous day. One I'm all too familiar with.

So, I've had a problem controlling my alcohol intake for a while now. Actually I'm willing to say I've never had control of it. I'm one of those people that if I open a bottle of wine, I have to finish it. Then once I have polished it off, I feel I need to open a second (If it's on hand). After the first glass or two, I crave more. I need to keep my buzz going for as long as possible, even if it means staying up into the early hours of the morning. And it's not a social thing, this is something I do at home, normally in front of my computer. Needless to say, it can be embarrassing at times.

After every one of these sessions, I regret it the following day. I beat myself up about it, calling myself stupid and immature and that it cannot happen again! But it does. I have had success in the past. I have been able to just have one or two whilst out socially and call it a good night. I've even been able to achieve alcohol free days or just a glass of wine with dinner. However, when my mood has settled into it's usual deep, muddy pit of self loathing, I drink. I have recognized that I have self esteem issues and social anxiety which maybe fueling all of this, but I can never seem to get these issues pinned down and dealt with to be able to move past this rough patch.

And it is just a rough patch. My life compared to many others is wonderful and I'm very thankful for that. However, I still feel I need to do better and put this issue to rest. Not only for myself, but for my friends and family whom I've hurt at one stage or another. Facing the people I love is the hardest part of everyday, because I know I disappoint them and I'm constantly challenging their friendship and trust.

Not sure why I'm posting here. I was just having a look around reading other peoples posts, relating to some of this things said and thought, maybe I'll post my own. If nothing else, this will be another step closer to kicking the booze and waking up without a hangover.

serenityforever

I could have written this post myself. Glad you are here <3

Pondlady

Welcome twain,
I remember the feelings of wobbly legs and remorse...and shame. I too drank wine. The good news is, I stopped , many of us here have, and you can too. My feelings of depression have improved since I stopped drinking and my antidepressants work more effectively. Glad you decided to post

bloss

Thanks for sharing Twain, keep posting. I relate to waking up, rolling over and still shaky, going to work. Maybe today can be day one for you, stick around, there is help here.
Bloss

twain

Thanks for the kind words everyone, it's reassuring to know that people who have been in a similar situation have beaten it and are here to share their experience and advice.

soberclover

Keep in the front of your mind, Twain, that it is possible to not feel like dirt anymore. You have to tough it out for a short time and not drink...no matter what. It is not possible for me to have just a few; I had to learn that the hard way. You are here on this site for a reason. Clearly you are sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. It is a wonderful glorious feeling to wake in the morning without regrets. I wish this for you too

dwtbd

twain
This is the same post I have written (or would have written had ,if I wrote as well and true as you did) just never posted until finding this site.
This time quitting, hasn't even been a week for me yet, but this time I think I realize some simple truths. The easiest part is just not drinking, the hardest part(or so it seems now) is just not drinking. The right part (for me) is just not drinking.

jkb

Twain-
Great post. I understand how you feel with the "living the previous day" mentality. Also your success with moderation that you had in the past... I held onto that for so long. The few nights here and there that I just had one or two... stopped and nothing bad happened.
At any rate... day one for me was four and a half months ago. Some days are tough but none are as bad as "hangover days" and for that I always feel lucky. GL- Jess

Deckard

I know where you're coming from on that. I used to wake up every day and say to myself, "There must be a better way."

Have you ever seen the movie Groundhog Day? Bill Murray gets trapped in some kind of purgatory in which he has to live the same day over and over again.

One of our esteemed colleagues here at SR took "Groundhog Day" as a screen name, I think because it perfectly captures that feeling of being trapped by alcohol.

In the end, though, it is possible to escape the loop. It happened in the movie ... but I did it too, along with so many others here on SR.

I'm glad you joined us!

Leshar

Hi, Twain, and welcome, you've come to the right place!
I'm a newbie. So much of what you wrote sounds just like me.

Stick around and post more, this site is an amazing resource!
Good luck!

DoloresHaze

Hey Twain.

I've been a "newbie" for quite some time now and it's getting embarrassing.

But I can totally relate. My days from about 7pm to 11am are exactly the same day after day. husband gets home from work, bottle of rum in hand. We numb ourselves while staring at TV. We go to sleep. I wake up dehydrated and feeling like crap. I chug liquids and do absolutely nothing till the fog clears a little.

Every. Single. Day.

Sasha4

I too could have written your post.

The statement that makes it clear for me is to remember 'I have often regretted drinking. I have never regretted not drinking'.

Does that ring true for you?

I wish you the best
xx

whitehorses

Hi Twain....can relate to all you have said. Just be aware that you are legally drunk...and driving to work.

Eleni58

I can relate! Most days I would get up and get ready for work in a dizzy fog. I used to have to hang onto the shower rod while taking a shower, I got so dizzy I thought I would fall in the shower and crack my head open and envisioned my boyfriend coming home and finding me dead. Not a good vision! I'm only 6 days sober but I no longer have to hang onto the shower rod to keep from falling.

DoloresHaze

I have those kinds of thoughts too. isn't it awful? I envision many scenarios in which I faint or fall, and being found like that.

Dee74

welcome Twain
bought back memories for me too.

If you want to change, this is the place to be - there's a ton of support and ideas here

D

Hevyn

Happy to meet you Twain. You'll find that we all understand how you feel - you're not alone.

I remember all too well those horrible mornings. After awhile I didn't have them anymore because I decided it was a good idea to start drinking the morning after ('hair of the dog') - then all day. I was completely dependent on it when I finally quit, leaving a path of destruction behind me. This doesn't have to be you Twain - you can make this big change in your life. It sounds like drinking is bringing you nothing but misery. Here's where it can end.

BabyJane

Really good post; thank you so much for sharing. This was totally my life 5 years ago. I kind of knew a change was coming but it took a DUI and loosing my job, fiancee, home, beloved pet and education opportunities to really cement the realization that YES I was an alcoholic! I wish I had gotten it earlier. I gave up so much. Maybe you are one who will start this journey and find success before too many other consequences pile up. As you said, you have a good life, you just drink too much and you know it's time to change some things. I wish you the best. Welcome to SR!

wakko

I was just like you until things started getting worse. the amount of alcohol it took for me to get to where I needed to be kept going up and up. then I started drinking in the morning to keep my hands from shaking and to help with how sick I felt. This was close to the end and I decided I had to do something.

You have the ability to get off the train wreck anytime you want to. It has been my experience that sooner is much better than later.

twain

thank you everyone for the kind words.