Hard time letting go
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Toronto
Posts: 31
Hard time letting go
I found out this evening that in addition to the one time that I knew about my AXBF fooling around with my sister, there was another occasion pf which I was completely unaware. I understand that it is all water under the bridge now that I have left, but it still hurts so much. And I am still so angry.
Yes - I get that they are both narcissitic alcoholics and that they only care about themselves. Yes - I understand that I was foolish for trusting either one of them. But why am I still so affected by this?
I'm lying here in bed, wishing I could tear a strip off both of them, but knowing intellectually how useless these feelings are.
My life feels like a bad movie sometimes.
How do I get past these hurts? My AXBF is no longer in my life, so I don't need to worry about how I interact with him. But how on EARTH do I interact with my sister...knowing that she lied to, and continues to lie to me about her relationship with my ex? Am I a complete fool for keeping her in my life??? How do I let go of this anger I feel towards both of them??
Yes - I get that they are both narcissitic alcoholics and that they only care about themselves. Yes - I understand that I was foolish for trusting either one of them. But why am I still so affected by this?
I'm lying here in bed, wishing I could tear a strip off both of them, but knowing intellectually how useless these feelings are.
My life feels like a bad movie sometimes.
How do I get past these hurts? My AXBF is no longer in my life, so I don't need to worry about how I interact with him. But how on EARTH do I interact with my sister...knowing that she lied to, and continues to lie to me about her relationship with my ex? Am I a complete fool for keeping her in my life??? How do I let go of this anger I feel towards both of them??
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Milwaukee, WI
Posts: 104
Man, tough ****. Let it go and let live. They won't live a good life. If they did that to you, be gone. They won't last situation, etc.
Don't use it as an excuse to use..harder said than done.
Keep posting, it helps.
gigi
Don't use it as an excuse to use..harder said than done.
Keep posting, it helps.
gigi
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
acm---I agree that this is tough, and, I am sure, very painful!!! You must feel a tremendous sense of betrayal. I know that I sure would.
Your feelings are valid (all feelings are). It is a matter of what you do with them---which is what you are asking--right? I would say, first of all, don't feel guilty for your feelings. Allow yourself to feel them. And, then, go from there.
The boyfriend is history---good. No more problem there.
Perhaps, in time you can forgive your sister---understanding that she has the illness of alcoholism. That doesn't make it o.k., but it is the reason that it happened--probably.
In any case, it is important that you don't let this "eat you up". Find a way to get past it, eventually. Life is too short--I'm sure you know this...LOL.
I would not trust my sister around any of my male partners, though. You know what her limitations are (now).
You can still love your troubled sister, and you can still have her in your life--with the proper boundaries, of course.
This is just my take on the situation...... how I would look at it if I were faced with this very upsetting and painful circumstance.
dandylion
Your feelings are valid (all feelings are). It is a matter of what you do with them---which is what you are asking--right? I would say, first of all, don't feel guilty for your feelings. Allow yourself to feel them. And, then, go from there.
The boyfriend is history---good. No more problem there.
Perhaps, in time you can forgive your sister---understanding that she has the illness of alcoholism. That doesn't make it o.k., but it is the reason that it happened--probably.
In any case, it is important that you don't let this "eat you up". Find a way to get past it, eventually. Life is too short--I'm sure you know this...LOL.
I would not trust my sister around any of my male partners, though. You know what her limitations are (now).
You can still love your troubled sister, and you can still have her in your life--with the proper boundaries, of course.
This is just my take on the situation...... how I would look at it if I were faced with this very upsetting and painful circumstance.
dandylion
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I think it's important to separate things here. I bet you -like I would- are somewhere thinking something like "how could they do that to me? What's wrong with me that they could do that?" Which is the wrong question. It's not about you. It's about them, and what's wrong with them.
I find that the way I think of things really matters. AXH physically abused one of his girlfriends that he met after I left him. At first, I thought "OMG, I'm so ashamed! How could I be married to someone like that for 20 years?" But then I realized that WAITAMINIT: a much more helpful way to think about it would be "Wow! Thank God I got out before he got to THAT point!"
We're told to sweep our side of the street, and nobody else's. but we have to know what is and isn't our side of the street, first. Their behavior says a lot about them but nothing about you.
I'd set boundaries I felt was appropriate with the sister. It's OK to say "I really don't care to see you or talk to you right now, and I will contact you when I feel differently." If you have to interact on holidays etc, follow your gut. If you have to miss Thanksgiving because it's too painful, do. Or go and ignore her. There are no musts here, even if we sometimes convince ourselves that there are with family.
As for him? He's even more of a scumbag than you thought!! You should buy yourself Icecream to celebrate that you're no longer involved with him!
I find that the way I think of things really matters. AXH physically abused one of his girlfriends that he met after I left him. At first, I thought "OMG, I'm so ashamed! How could I be married to someone like that for 20 years?" But then I realized that WAITAMINIT: a much more helpful way to think about it would be "Wow! Thank God I got out before he got to THAT point!"
We're told to sweep our side of the street, and nobody else's. but we have to know what is and isn't our side of the street, first. Their behavior says a lot about them but nothing about you.
I'd set boundaries I felt was appropriate with the sister. It's OK to say "I really don't care to see you or talk to you right now, and I will contact you when I feel differently." If you have to interact on holidays etc, follow your gut. If you have to miss Thanksgiving because it's too painful, do. Or go and ignore her. There are no musts here, even if we sometimes convince ourselves that there are with family.
As for him? He's even more of a scumbag than you thought!! You should buy yourself Icecream to celebrate that you're no longer involved with him!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I am really sorry you were so hurt by those closest to you, it stinks it really does and many of us have been hurt by the addicts/alcoholics in our lives.
Glad the BF is history – good for you!!!
As for your sister – it’s probably time to detach from her for a while. Emotionally and physically if needed until you are more resolved with those feelings.
I once heard this here on SR from a very wise lady – family is not a license for abuse! Just because she is family doesn’t mean you have to take unacceptable behavior from her.
Glad the BF is history – good for you!!!
As for your sister – it’s probably time to detach from her for a while. Emotionally and physically if needed until you are more resolved with those feelings.
I once heard this here on SR from a very wise lady – family is not a license for abuse! Just because she is family doesn’t mean you have to take unacceptable behavior from her.
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