someoneswife

So my husband has been in sober living and doing IOP since Friday. I'm so frustrated because the thirty days he was inpatient he always called me twice a day for his ten minute phone calls. They were precious because we got to speak to each other so little. Well now that he has unlimited phone access and no restrictions he hardly calls twice a day and we talk for way less than 10 minutes. He enjoys the company of his room mates and they watch movies together and shoot the breeze. I'm really glad he's comfortable there and getting used to the routine. Still, a part of me is furious. So now that he's got all these new friends and they can hang out all the time in a variable bachelor pad he doesn't have time for me? Made worse by the fact that im payig out of pocket for him to be there in the first place. So while I'm working my butt off to pay for his recovery he is having a grand old time hanging out with the fellas and forgetting about me and his daughter. It almost makes me feel used that when he was all sad and depressed in residential treatment he couldn't wait to talk to me and now that he has some friends I'm on the back burner. I'm afraid he's going to like living by himself so much that he won't want to come home and have to deal with a family. I know I shouldn't obsess about this. He's going to do what he wants and I can't let that rule my life. It's that part of me that wants to control everything and I just can't shut her off. I want to know where he's at, what he's doing, if he's taking recovery seriously, if he's doing the work and staying out of trouble. I keep telling myself "He is in charge of his own recovery". Unfortunately that doesn't always quiet the monkey on my back!!! Rationally I know better. I couldn't control his addiction so what makes me think I can control this? It's so easy to know what I should do (take care of myself, be in charge of my own happiness) it's so hard to actually do it. Sorry guys, this has turned into one long codependent rant!!!

Kindeyes

Be gentle with yourself. You know what to do....

Wouldn't it be something if you missed his call because you were out enjoying a movie with a friend!

It is hard to work on ourselves......I had to force myself to do it for a very long time. Now it's much easier.

Take care of you.

gentle hugs
ke

lilyB2013

Yes, absolutely hard to do but absolutely necessary. Obsessing about him even when he's gone? While HE is taking time to take care of HIMSELF? It's time for YOU to take that time for YOURSELF, to dedicate time on the self love and self care that will make you strong and full again.

I know it's hard to change that mentality, because frankly, it's easier to worry and obsess about someone else than to obsess over yourself. It might feel wrong or you might feel guilty-- the universe knows I've done the same! Rather than enjoy the moment and whatever is in front of you, your mind might wander and you indulge in thoughts that are harming YOUR recovery.

Ya, the practical money parts are well... Practical concerns. But maybe breathe a sigh of relief: he's in recovery, doing his thing, and you're doing yours, enjoying your one-on-one time with your daughter and living without a cloud over yourself.

You got this, girl.

allforcnm

I think its ok that these thoughts go through your mind; you want your family to be restored and right now there are a lot of unknowns. I think it would be abnormal if your thoughts didn't drift into the what if's from time to time. After reading your post, it really sounds to me like both of you settled into a routine when he was in rehab, and that probably gave you both a little bit of comfort. Now its off to the next step, and the new routine has not yet been established for either of you. My husband came home after rehab, but he was gone for 3 months, and then he went back to work within a few weeks. There were challenges all along the way for both of us, especially me dealing with my emotions; wondering how he was doing, his coping with real life without the crutch of the drugs, my continuing on my path. One thing that served us well through all of it was open communication. Maybe give him a bit of an adjustment period, but don't be afraid to tell him that you really enjoyed those 10 minute phone calls connecting with him in rehab, and you miss it. No guilt, just share how you feel.

someoneswife

Thanks everyone for your kind words and advice! It's crazy how quickly I can resort to bad thoughts. At an al anon meeting recently someone told me "fake it till you make it" in regards to taking some time out for myself. I equate it to working out, I don't wanna do it and the first few times are hard and it hurts but eventually it becomes something I want to do rather than just something I have too. I think I'm going to hit up an al anon meeting today instead of waiting for my regular Saturday morning one. I'm so grateful that I have this Forum and the wonderful people on it to help me through and remind me of the things I so easily forget!!!

DecBaby

My first thought is to communicate how you're feeling. I hear that's part of healthy relationships. In the meantime the advice of taking care of yourself is great.

AnvilheadII

the saying "Be careful what you wish for" comes to mind. you certainly and rightly WISHED you husband would get clean. but you had no idea what that might LOOK like in reality. how involved IN his recovery he would be, how time and energy it would take, and how that would CHANGE the dynamic.

now you are left to focus on the OTHER person in the relationship. YOU. obsession allows us to keep the focus on something or someone else. to deflect our attention, avoid doing the work ourselves.