Uggh.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Scotland
Posts: 72
Uggh.
Still getting pokey texts off STBXAH, following his dad's stroke.
I'm not replying.
I'm not getting involved.
They are escalating in twisty-ness. He is dreadful in a crisis, and the waves have now reached my shore.
Desperate texts followed by sorry texts followed by want to meet up texts followed by sorry texts followed by I still haven't replied to the solicitor texts followed by specific questions about possessions he left behind..
All around times that I'm trying to relax and strengthen myself, to sleep.. To read SR and stay strong.
Just feeling tired and frustrated. I know I could block his number, but I'm not ready to do that.
Thanks for listening, getting it out and feeling heard kind of takes the sting out of it (a bit anyway)..
I'm not replying.
I'm not getting involved.
They are escalating in twisty-ness. He is dreadful in a crisis, and the waves have now reached my shore.
Desperate texts followed by sorry texts followed by want to meet up texts followed by sorry texts followed by I still haven't replied to the solicitor texts followed by specific questions about possessions he left behind..
All around times that I'm trying to relax and strengthen myself, to sleep.. To read SR and stay strong.
Just feeling tired and frustrated. I know I could block his number, but I'm not ready to do that.
Thanks for listening, getting it out and feeling heard kind of takes the sting out of it (a bit anyway)..
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
WHY NOT block his number? This is causing you suffering, and isn't helping him, either.
If you feel you can't do it without explanation, then text him that you are sorry for his pain, but there is nothing you can do to help him, so you are not receiving any more texts. And then block him before he has a chance to respond with more pathetic, twisty texts.
If you feel you can't do it without explanation, then text him that you are sorry for his pain, but there is nothing you can do to help him, so you are not receiving any more texts. And then block him before he has a chance to respond with more pathetic, twisty texts.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Scotland
Posts: 72
Because I'm scared, Lexie
Scared it'll push his buttons and make him disagreeable in progressing the separation.. That it'll turn a situation that I've worked hard to keep amicable into a shitstorm..
I know the bottom of this is my desire to stay in control. I'm mediating my own responses to minimise the pain for him.
Trying to be "good".. To do the right thing. Have endless patience. Be a saint. Be a ******* martyr. I'm beginning to realise that these character aspects I once cherished in myself are the soft underbelly where I can be hurt the most. AND to sit there and keep taking it is also rather dishonest.
Therapy tomorrow which will help me sift through this, but in the meantime, tonight is just ******* hard.
Scared it'll push his buttons and make him disagreeable in progressing the separation.. That it'll turn a situation that I've worked hard to keep amicable into a shitstorm..
I know the bottom of this is my desire to stay in control. I'm mediating my own responses to minimise the pain for him.
Trying to be "good".. To do the right thing. Have endless patience. Be a saint. Be a ******* martyr. I'm beginning to realise that these character aspects I once cherished in myself are the soft underbelly where I can be hurt the most. AND to sit there and keep taking it is also rather dishonest.
Therapy tomorrow which will help me sift through this, but in the meantime, tonight is just ******* hard.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Sounds a bit like a hostage situation, doesn't it?
Sooner or later, he will get angry. No matter how "nice" you are, how fair, how reasonable. He will be angry because you are not being the way he wants you to be. So I think you aren't accomplishing what you hope you will accomplish.
In the meantime, you are losing yourself, your self-respect. It comes across in your post.
Sooner or later, he will get angry. No matter how "nice" you are, how fair, how reasonable. He will be angry because you are not being the way he wants you to be. So I think you aren't accomplishing what you hope you will accomplish.
In the meantime, you are losing yourself, your self-respect. It comes across in your post.
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Big hugs, friend.
Don't they always, though? I was thinking about what lizatola's AH said -- that "I stopped doing it because it didnt' work" -- and I'm thinking isn't that what your ex is trying to do, too? Trying to find the right words to get under your skin and get you to respond?
They are escalating in twisty-ness
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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what is twisted is him USING his dad's impaired health condition as an IN to try and get you to respond.
OMG my dad had a stroke!!!!!
oh I am SO sorry!
can we like meet up soon?
I am so sorry.
what stuff did I leave behind?
I don't see where YOU need to see any of this. cuz there is nothing there. he's going to keep doing what he's doing as he has for a long long time. you still have no control over that. over him.
look deeper at WHY you maintain contact........what YOU get out of it.
OMG my dad had a stroke!!!!!
oh I am SO sorry!
can we like meet up soon?
I am so sorry.
what stuff did I leave behind?
I don't see where YOU need to see any of this. cuz there is nothing there. he's going to keep doing what he's doing as he has for a long long time. you still have no control over that. over him.
look deeper at WHY you maintain contact........what YOU get out of it.
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Yep.. It's like he's tried the family emergency button, the apologies button, the "lets make progress", and then it's down to "I'd like to go cycling, is my bike still there". No responses from me.
Quack.
At least I can see its manipulative. Still hurts to ignore someone who is so obvious and desperate in his attempts to connect to me.
The bike is a sore point anyway. I bought him a beautiful vintage frame, stripped it to nothing, scrubbed it with a toothbrush, and rebuilt it for his birthday last year. He cycled it twice and didn't take it when he moved out. I'd thought I'd sell it (prolly worth £400-500!) and use the money to pay some of the divorce costs, but it never felt right to sell something I gave him as a gift.
I truly appreciate the hugs, and the pep talk Lexie.
Sometimes it's just so hard to keep going. To keep being braver, to cut the next tie, stand up to the next thing, set another newer harder boundary, ad then to keep my boundary once I've allowed myself its luxury. I just want to crawl under something and wait for the world to turn past this awful time.
But the only way out is through.
Quack.
At least I can see its manipulative. Still hurts to ignore someone who is so obvious and desperate in his attempts to connect to me.
The bike is a sore point anyway. I bought him a beautiful vintage frame, stripped it to nothing, scrubbed it with a toothbrush, and rebuilt it for his birthday last year. He cycled it twice and didn't take it when he moved out. I'd thought I'd sell it (prolly worth £400-500!) and use the money to pay some of the divorce costs, but it never felt right to sell something I gave him as a gift.
I truly appreciate the hugs, and the pep talk Lexie.
Sometimes it's just so hard to keep going. To keep being braver, to cut the next tie, stand up to the next thing, set another newer harder boundary, ad then to keep my boundary once I've allowed myself its luxury. I just want to crawl under something and wait for the world to turn past this awful time.
But the only way out is through.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Scotland
Posts: 72
I don't know what I THINK I get out of it. I know I don't get much other than anxiety and stress, and holding the line of what is at best halfheartedly ignoring him. Hardware / bread.
Isn't this clinging on my part essentially the codependency? It's like wanting to poke my fingers in the wound to check it still hurts, or watch the horror movie I know is too scary for me.
Isn't this clinging on my part essentially the codependency? It's like wanting to poke my fingers in the wound to check it still hurts, or watch the horror movie I know is too scary for me.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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yes, the uncomfortable "comfort zone" - if nothing else, to a large degree, what you GET from him is predictable. there's a cadence....you two have ben doing the dance...you know the steps. and you could fall right back into it without having to THINK too much, or DO too much.
the other option says that you step OUT of that comfort zone....you STOP dancing....you do not know what will come and you EMBRACE that mystery! that you THINK and you ACT and you CHANGE.
notice that the former is all about HIM.
the latter is all about YOU.
the other option says that you step OUT of that comfort zone....you STOP dancing....you do not know what will come and you EMBRACE that mystery! that you THINK and you ACT and you CHANGE.
notice that the former is all about HIM.
the latter is all about YOU.
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what is twisted is him USING his dad's impaired health condition as an IN to try and get you to respond.
and, anvilhead's distillation of his side of the conversation says it all.
LeSigh, please choose your serenity over this, this,...... disturbed man.
Beth
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 565
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
yes, the uncomfortable "comfort zone" - if nothing else, to a large degree, what you GET from him is predictable. there's a cadence....you two have ben doing the dance...you know the steps. and you could fall right back into it without having to THINK too much, or DO too much.
the other option says that you step OUT of that comfort zone....you STOP dancing....you do not know what will come and you EMBRACE that mystery! that you THINK and you ACT and you CHANGE.
notice that the former is all about HIM.
the latter is all about YOU.
the other option says that you step OUT of that comfort zone....you STOP dancing....you do not know what will come and you EMBRACE that mystery! that you THINK and you ACT and you CHANGE.
notice that the former is all about HIM.
the latter is all about YOU.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Originally Posted by LeSigh
Sometimes it's just so hard to keep going. To keep being braver, to cut the next tie, stand up to the next thing, set another newer harder boundary, ad then to keep my boundary once I've allowed myself its luxury. I just want to crawl under something and wait for the world to turn past this awful time.
But the only way out is through.
But the only way out is through.
You're not alone.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
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Thought I'd give you all an update on things..
Lesson number 1, it's not possible to block a number on my network provider, the only option is to change my number. Which I'm not going to do, because I like the one I have, it's been the same since I was fifteen, and dammit, this WILL pass, however dense the fog feels right now. Anyway.
I've just come home from my therapy session. My therapist also saw my husband for a while when he first started showing signs and was diagnosed with severe depression. One of my best friends recommends this guy, he teaches counselling at a reputable university, and I've seen him work wonders to transform my dear friend. The fact my H has been there is not really part of our discussions, the T recognises my H as a character in my story, rather than being constantly thinking of his other client. It was wierd at first, but as I said, he's an excellent therapist, and I am glad that he was willing to see me given the context.
However, sometimes it does help that he has some experience of my H, his ways of operating, his difficulties etc.
When I got there, I was shaking like a leaf, so nervous and anxious. Aware that these texts kept coming, and I needed to DO something to make it stop. The texts have been continuing throughout the day, we're up to at least 20 since Sunday.
But here's the thing. Not responding. It's still a response. I am still holding myself safely. I'm making my choice apparent. I choose to NOT do anything. Changing my number would still be a response. Telling him to stop, would be to respond.
But nothing? Silence? That's where i step away, and he is left with nothing but his own voice.
My T said he was aware of some theories in addiction circles that it takes 30-35 unsuccessful attempts at something for the addict penny to drop an change approach. I dunno if this is true, but I feel comforted with the idea that my silence, passive as it is, is still holding the potential to deafen him.
Meanwhile, I'm learning and growing.
That said. In the time to write this message, he has started to turn the corner into rage. Triple bill of texts. "He's still your father in law how can you be so cold/he's ill and confused and wants to see us." Just half an hour ago it was sweet memories of times passed. My H is like a thunderstorm and I am focusing on filling my own heart with love and light and self care.
Feels like a bottomless pit of despair.
Lesson number 1, it's not possible to block a number on my network provider, the only option is to change my number. Which I'm not going to do, because I like the one I have, it's been the same since I was fifteen, and dammit, this WILL pass, however dense the fog feels right now. Anyway.
I've just come home from my therapy session. My therapist also saw my husband for a while when he first started showing signs and was diagnosed with severe depression. One of my best friends recommends this guy, he teaches counselling at a reputable university, and I've seen him work wonders to transform my dear friend. The fact my H has been there is not really part of our discussions, the T recognises my H as a character in my story, rather than being constantly thinking of his other client. It was wierd at first, but as I said, he's an excellent therapist, and I am glad that he was willing to see me given the context.
However, sometimes it does help that he has some experience of my H, his ways of operating, his difficulties etc.
When I got there, I was shaking like a leaf, so nervous and anxious. Aware that these texts kept coming, and I needed to DO something to make it stop. The texts have been continuing throughout the day, we're up to at least 20 since Sunday.
But here's the thing. Not responding. It's still a response. I am still holding myself safely. I'm making my choice apparent. I choose to NOT do anything. Changing my number would still be a response. Telling him to stop, would be to respond.
But nothing? Silence? That's where i step away, and he is left with nothing but his own voice.
My T said he was aware of some theories in addiction circles that it takes 30-35 unsuccessful attempts at something for the addict penny to drop an change approach. I dunno if this is true, but I feel comforted with the idea that my silence, passive as it is, is still holding the potential to deafen him.
Meanwhile, I'm learning and growing.
That said. In the time to write this message, he has started to turn the corner into rage. Triple bill of texts. "He's still your father in law how can you be so cold/he's ill and confused and wants to see us." Just half an hour ago it was sweet memories of times passed. My H is like a thunderstorm and I am focusing on filling my own heart with love and light and self care.
Feels like a bottomless pit of despair.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I believe there's an app called "Mr. Number" that works on iPhones and Android phones to block text messages. If you have a different OS, try googling "text message blocking" with the name of your OS.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
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Posts: 72
Update..
No sign of blocking app you mentioned Lexie, I wonder if its a geographic thing since I'm in uk.
The new iOS update due in autumn will apparently have a bunch of blocking features built in, which will be super for all the iPhone users out there.
Anyway. Seems my therapists theory was right, eventually the penny seems to have dropped and STBXAH has stopped with the text avalanche.
Hilariously (not really!) his last text was trying to push the least favoured of the buttons available to him - the "comply with separation proceedings" button. He claims to have finally responded to solicitor to consent to process starting.
The kicker? I was also in touch with solicitor after he texted, they have not heard a thing.
Quackity quack quack.
But the peace and quiet I have defended remains, I'm proud of myself for staying safe through this week.
Thanks for being with through the worst of it
X
No sign of blocking app you mentioned Lexie, I wonder if its a geographic thing since I'm in uk.
The new iOS update due in autumn will apparently have a bunch of blocking features built in, which will be super for all the iPhone users out there.
Anyway. Seems my therapists theory was right, eventually the penny seems to have dropped and STBXAH has stopped with the text avalanche.
Hilariously (not really!) his last text was trying to push the least favoured of the buttons available to him - the "comply with separation proceedings" button. He claims to have finally responded to solicitor to consent to process starting.
The kicker? I was also in touch with solicitor after he texted, they have not heard a thing.
Quackity quack quack.
But the peace and quiet I have defended remains, I'm proud of myself for staying safe through this week.
Thanks for being with through the worst of it
X
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