Accepting there Will be Pain
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Accepting there Will be Pain
I had coffee with a friend from the gym today. First, let me tell you, I love love love my gym. Gorgeous women of all ages from all over the world, where in the locker room we switch back and forth between many languages - it's delicious. And everyone has stories to share.
Well, this friend went through a very difficult divorce that went on for years. Her ex is not an alcoholic. He suffers from depression and was verbally abusive.
Anyway, she said that the thing that helped her was to accept that she was going to have great suffering during that long divorce. To accept there would be many crying spells, financial hardship, an intense workload ...
I suppose I never envisioned/realized/ accepted that there would be so much pain ahead. I felt that by leaving AH I was freeing myself from the pain of the past and then I would be free and everything would soon turn around. I wasn't expecting what has happened since.
Do others out there agree with my Italian friend? Why/why not?!
Well, this friend went through a very difficult divorce that went on for years. Her ex is not an alcoholic. He suffers from depression and was verbally abusive.
Anyway, she said that the thing that helped her was to accept that she was going to have great suffering during that long divorce. To accept there would be many crying spells, financial hardship, an intense workload ...
I suppose I never envisioned/realized/ accepted that there would be so much pain ahead. I felt that by leaving AH I was freeing myself from the pain of the past and then I would be free and everything would soon turn around. I wasn't expecting what has happened since.
Do others out there agree with my Italian friend? Why/why not?!
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I think you can apply this to every aspect of life, not just divorce. My therapist once pointed out to me that the behaviors I developed to avoid pain and discomfort actually caused more pain and discomfort than what I perceived I was avoiding. She taught me that it's okay to be uncomfortable and that attempts to avoid it only make it worse. Or, in Kahlil Gibrans's words "The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain."
L
L
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Divorce is incredibly difficult...emotionally, financially, etc. Regardless of whether or not its a positive step. My divorce was hands down the most important step I took toward happiness. However, the path was littered with the loss of the fantasy of living happily ever after. I wanted the divorce but I definitely struggled with decision and subsequent changes. Now, happier than I've ever been!
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I agree wholeheartedly. But it has been a hard-earned experience; I went into it with the same attitude you did to some extent, thinking that once I had dumped 250 pounds of alcoholic husband, everything would be hunky dory.
It was easier. My life was brighter, lighter, more filled with laughter and happiness, and less filled with horror and anxiety. Now, when I get an anxiety attack, I like to remind myself that it's an anxiety attack and it will pass. When I was married to him, I lived with anxiety constantly.
But that doesn't mean it has been easy. Recovery is a lifelong thing, I've realized. I don't think I really realized how much recovery I personally had to do once I left him. I know I said it but I didn't feel it. I find new levels all the time. And getting into a new relationship has unearthed new layers of healing that's needed.
Life is hard. But life without an active addict is a lot less hard. Sharing kids with an active alcoholic you're not married to is another kind of hell than having to be married to the person. At least you have a more stable footing and can provide a healthy environment for your kids when they're with you.
Yes, there is pain. I think my situation, because AXH has decided to be obsessed with not letting me move on with my life, is different than some. I'm not just dealing with a drunk ex but with a stalking threatening drunk ex. And that's still better than being married to him.
So everything did not come up roses after the divorce. But one advantage of having had the experience of an alcoholic marriage is that you learn that you can live with a lot of unacceptable stuff when you have to. You can learn to live with always being armed and on high alert when you leave the house. You can learn to live with worrying about the safety of your children when they're with him. You can learn to live with discomfort and pain when it's unavoidable. And you can accept that it is part of everyone's life. Even if you're in a great marriage, there will be pain and difficulty on some level in your life at times.
I have a card on my desk that a friend sent me this winter when things were really rough. The card says "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning how to dance in the rain." And I think a lot about that. About how there's always something that is painful and difficult. And that's OK. That's life.
It was easier. My life was brighter, lighter, more filled with laughter and happiness, and less filled with horror and anxiety. Now, when I get an anxiety attack, I like to remind myself that it's an anxiety attack and it will pass. When I was married to him, I lived with anxiety constantly.
But that doesn't mean it has been easy. Recovery is a lifelong thing, I've realized. I don't think I really realized how much recovery I personally had to do once I left him. I know I said it but I didn't feel it. I find new levels all the time. And getting into a new relationship has unearthed new layers of healing that's needed.
Life is hard. But life without an active addict is a lot less hard. Sharing kids with an active alcoholic you're not married to is another kind of hell than having to be married to the person. At least you have a more stable footing and can provide a healthy environment for your kids when they're with you.
Yes, there is pain. I think my situation, because AXH has decided to be obsessed with not letting me move on with my life, is different than some. I'm not just dealing with a drunk ex but with a stalking threatening drunk ex. And that's still better than being married to him.
So everything did not come up roses after the divorce. But one advantage of having had the experience of an alcoholic marriage is that you learn that you can live with a lot of unacceptable stuff when you have to. You can learn to live with always being armed and on high alert when you leave the house. You can learn to live with worrying about the safety of your children when they're with him. You can learn to live with discomfort and pain when it's unavoidable. And you can accept that it is part of everyone's life. Even if you're in a great marriage, there will be pain and difficulty on some level in your life at times.
I have a card on my desk that a friend sent me this winter when things were really rough. The card says "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning how to dance in the rain." And I think a lot about that. About how there's always something that is painful and difficult. And that's OK. That's life.
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My divorces were both relative breezes. The man with whom I had children was sober, and a fair and decent man. The second divorce from the active alcoholic involved no children and no property/debts. Easy-peasy in terms of the legal aspects.
But in other respects, like the immediate aftermath of leaving, yes, there was pain. On the other side, though, was freedom. I had to go through one to get to the other. Same thing with getting sober. It was all worth it, to me.
To use a totally different example as an analogy, I HATED law school. It was three years of annoying BS for the most part. At times it was extremely painful, too. But as much as I hated it, I completely LOVED my career, which I could not have had without those three miserable years. Totally worth it.
But in other respects, like the immediate aftermath of leaving, yes, there was pain. On the other side, though, was freedom. I had to go through one to get to the other. Same thing with getting sober. It was all worth it, to me.
To use a totally different example as an analogy, I HATED law school. It was three years of annoying BS for the most part. At times it was extremely painful, too. But as much as I hated it, I completely LOVED my career, which I could not have had without those three miserable years. Totally worth it.
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I'm in the middle of mine. My STBXAH is MIA unless I contact him. I don't know what he's doing. I've had some pangs of longing and sadness, but for the most part I've been fine. All of the pain and bargaining was last year while he tried (and ultimately failed) to get his **** together and I lived with him, biding time, waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Maybe I strung it out too long, but when we separated and I later filed for divorce, it was over for me. Just over.
Maybe I strung it out too long, but when we separated and I later filed for divorce, it was over for me. Just over.
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I'll share what I learned from both my divorces, if it helps. From my first divorce I learned to never again rely on another persons income to live beyond what I could afford on my own, and never again combine finances. My second divorce I learned to never get married again. At least not without a bullet proof pre-nup.
Not sure if that helps? My opinion is probably a little jaded...
But I also learned that getting divorced was , in the end, worth the pain. It does get better.
Not sure if that helps? My opinion is probably a little jaded...
But I also learned that getting divorced was , in the end, worth the pain. It does get better.
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Thank you all for sharing your experiences.
My friend Claudia also said that in her case, she had to accept there would be great suffering because her husband wanted her to suffer. He knew where her weaknesses were. During the divorce, he did what he could to hurt her where she was most vulnerable. For instance, he told her girls during visitation awful words and insults for their mother. He fought in court to have physical custody, not because he wanted them (they were 3 and 6 years old) but to cause her anguish. He hid the money. She had to leave their family home and stay in a horrible place in a town quite a distance away because she couldn't afford anything else.
She came out of that long dark tunnel into the sunshine, but it was a looonnng dark tunnel.
I got clear and I got out fast when AH scared me last fall. I never thought 'oh, how can I cause him pain'. I just simply never wanted to have him in my life again. (Yeah, good luck, with 4 children...). Everything I have done, I have done to protect myself.
Which I imagine has caused HIM a lot of distress. He hadn't been a proper husband to me in 9 years. Never wanted to go out with me, talk, have mutual friends. I don't have pain because I miss him. 9 years is a long time! But he didn't want a divorce and he keeps trying to stay connected with me. Not by being kind, but by complicating the divorce and requiring me to communicate with him.
So I think it would help to acknowledge this is going to be awfully difficult for a long while!
Will it be worth it? It already is.
As for your experience, Jazzman. Yeah. If I had to do it again, I wouldn't leave my career, marry, and move away from my friends. And I doubt I would ever trust anyone enough to marry again. Which is fine. I have wonderful friends and people I adore in my life.
But do I regret for one second raising four beautiful children and being fully present in their lives as a stay at home mother? Not for a second.
It's another wonderful morning in my village. The cat is playing and the sunshine is pouring in. I have a whole lot of troubles before me, but I love this world.
My friend Claudia also said that in her case, she had to accept there would be great suffering because her husband wanted her to suffer. He knew where her weaknesses were. During the divorce, he did what he could to hurt her where she was most vulnerable. For instance, he told her girls during visitation awful words and insults for their mother. He fought in court to have physical custody, not because he wanted them (they were 3 and 6 years old) but to cause her anguish. He hid the money. She had to leave their family home and stay in a horrible place in a town quite a distance away because she couldn't afford anything else.
She came out of that long dark tunnel into the sunshine, but it was a looonnng dark tunnel.
I got clear and I got out fast when AH scared me last fall. I never thought 'oh, how can I cause him pain'. I just simply never wanted to have him in my life again. (Yeah, good luck, with 4 children...). Everything I have done, I have done to protect myself.
Which I imagine has caused HIM a lot of distress. He hadn't been a proper husband to me in 9 years. Never wanted to go out with me, talk, have mutual friends. I don't have pain because I miss him. 9 years is a long time! But he didn't want a divorce and he keeps trying to stay connected with me. Not by being kind, but by complicating the divorce and requiring me to communicate with him.
So I think it would help to acknowledge this is going to be awfully difficult for a long while!
Will it be worth it? It already is.
As for your experience, Jazzman. Yeah. If I had to do it again, I wouldn't leave my career, marry, and move away from my friends. And I doubt I would ever trust anyone enough to marry again. Which is fine. I have wonderful friends and people I adore in my life.
But do I regret for one second raising four beautiful children and being fully present in their lives as a stay at home mother? Not for a second.
It's another wonderful morning in my village. The cat is playing and the sunshine is pouring in. I have a whole lot of troubles before me, but I love this world.
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Location: Rochester, ny
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa 
I think you can apply this to every aspect of life, not just divorce. My therapist once pointed out to me that the behaviors I developed to avoid pain and discomfort actually caused more pain and discomfort than what I perceived I was avoiding. She taught me that it's okay to be uncomfortable and that attempts to avoid it only make it worse. Or, in Kahlil Gibrans's words "The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain."
L
L
I've heard this idea before, stated in one way or another. I hear it, but i dont usually feel like grok it.
But maybe I kind of understood a little bit just now...especially since I've been getting pretty cravey lately. So tempted to do a codie slip. Ugh.
It really takes a conscious effort to overcome the psychological splitting that your mind keeps doing. The struggle with my emotions and mind at constant odds with each other is getting to be a drag. A real frikken drag.
Phew, it really does depend on using recovery principles.....just to pull out of that muck if only for a minute.
Phew. Exhausting.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I think this is where having others to share our experiences really helps. It gets us out of self-pity because we aren't being singled out by the universe for bad stuff. And a shift in attitude can make SOOO much difference.
I always think of the fear of pain that accompanies me when I go to the dentist. The more fearful I am, and the more I resist it, the more it hurts and the more of an ordeal the whole thing is. A few years ago, I had some EXTENSIVE dental work done--as in, over the course of YEARS--and I found that if I just accepted that it would hurt for a while, and kind of leaned into the pain, it wasn't as scary and didn't seem like as much of an ordeal.
I always think of the fear of pain that accompanies me when I go to the dentist. The more fearful I am, and the more I resist it, the more it hurts and the more of an ordeal the whole thing is. A few years ago, I had some EXTENSIVE dental work done--as in, over the course of YEARS--and I found that if I just accepted that it would hurt for a while, and kind of leaned into the pain, it wasn't as scary and didn't seem like as much of an ordeal.
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But do I regret for one second raising four beautiful children and being fully present in their lives as a stay at home mother? Not for a second.
It's another wonderful morning in my village. The cat is playing and the sunshine is pouring in. I have a whole lot of troubles before me, but I love this world.
It's another wonderful morning in my village. The cat is playing and the sunshine is pouring in. I have a whole lot of troubles before me, but I love this world.
Another thing. I've been watching this Netflix show, "Orange is the New Black," (it's so good) and one of the characters in the first episode likens the prison sentence to a sand mandala. Essentially that we spend time building and growing and doing, and then it all changes again. It's all wiped away. Everything is temporary. This pain, this joy, this discomfort, it's all temporary. The goal is finding and maintaining your serenity, right?
xx
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