Wavy

I’m in need of courage. Courage to face reality and courage to do something about my reality. At the moment I am ignoring the fact that I am running out of time to finish my PhD and am not putting anything like the amount of work into it that I should. I’m ignoring the fact that I’m leaving the country in a few months and have nowhere lined up to live or any idea of how I’m going to manage the logistics. I’m ignoring the knowledge that my relationship needs to end in order for me to be happy. And I’m doing it all one day at a time. LOL!

I realise that is not how the saying is meant to work! But the whole “I can do anything for a day” thing has left me staying in this relationship far too long. I can make it through day by day, but those days have added up to years of unhappiness, I need to start seeing the bigger picture.

The same with my PhD, I can’t keep putting off facing up to the horrible amount of work I have to do because that just makes the workload larger – I need to realise there is a long term implication to living day by day.

I couldn’t sleep last night worrying how I’m going to make the move abroad with my cats, knowing it was totally counterproductive, I couldn’t do anything about it right then, it was all fantastical worries, since I don’t even know if I’ll be able to find somewhere that allows cats. I even got myself all worked up about how if I had to take the cats on a plane then they would escape as they were being unloaded and then run away all over the runway and that I’d lose them and never be able to see them again. Its crazy! I’m crazy! I knew it was pointless, but just couldn’t seem to snap out of it!

I am facing up to things slowly. I emailed someone about a room in a house today so I can leave ABF. He was away all last weekend and it was wonderful to be on my own with all the peace and being free to do as I pleased. I realise that is what I want long term. They replied and asked when I wanted to move in and at the moment that is where my courage is failing me. I haven’t replied yet. Replying means really making that decision that I’m going to leave and when. I need to find the courage to make that step.

I’m sat here with my thesis document open and I need to find the courage to immerse myself in it and make that difficult progress I need to make and face all that work I have to get through. I won’t be able to organize anything for my move until I’ve finished my thesis.

I’ve been reading a lot of AlAnon books recently and it seems like at this point I’m supposed to ask my higher power to grant me the courage I need. I’m struggling with this a little bit. I can see how if your higher power was a god that this might make sense to you, but I’m an atheist and I’m not expecting anything to grant me anything. Although I can admit to a power greater than myself its not a personal power such as a god, its not doing anything specifically for me, it just IS. The universe, nature, physical laws, they ARE and they shape the world, but they aren’t going to give me a feeling that I don’t create myself, they can’t hear a plea for help. I’m the one that’s going to have to find the courage, but since I don’t have it to give to myself, it seems like a bit of a hopeless circle!

I’m not entirely sure what I’m looking for by posting this, maybe a different perspective that will help me out of the hole I feel I’m in and stop me feeling like I just want to run away and hide from it all, as if that would help.

LexieCat

For many people I know who are atheists and agnostics, the "higher power" that gives you strength is something within you--not your conscious, waking self that analyzes and worries and stresses out about things, but your inner self that knows what it is that you need. That inner self knows that you are capable of adapting to changes in circumstances--it doesn't need all the nitty-gritty details. What you are calling upon is the strength to take a step not knowing the details of how it will work out, the confidence to know that things WILL work out, that you will find ways to cope with whatever details may present themselves AS they present themselves.

As a world-class procrastinator, myself (got work I should be doing right this minute) I totally understand feeling overwhelmed.

Close your eyes, breathe, and pick a day. It's overcoming inertia that is the hardest part. In my experience, once you begin to move, it is amazing how things fall into place.

PippiLngstockng

I do appreciate how you are stuck, and why.

As far as day by day goes, I try to identify the steps I can take TODAY that are most important in order to keep strong and get the children and I to a better place - a better place for today and doen the road.

For you it sounds like today, you can take some steps by working on your thesis. What part of it can you do on this day? Is there one section you can tackle? Then maybe you want to sit down with a calendar and figure out a few possible moving dates, in case you do choose eventually to move?

As to your higher power, you are being too intellectual about this. Ask your higher power a question. For me it helps to find a quiet peaceful time and to concentrate on one situation that I need help figuring out. When it's time and I really need help, I find I get an answer. Does the answer come from me ir from God? You don't need to differentiate. There is an all-knowing. And that's that!

MsPINKAcres

How about trying at the start of each day looking in the mirror and saying. . .

"if you want something different, you have to be willing to DO something different ~

Today I ask for strength, courage and wisdom to DO that something different"

and each time you feel tempted to do the same ole same ole - try to remind yourself - you are doing something different today ~

For me, it helped tremendously ~ I will send out good thoughts & prayers that it helps you also

pink hugs

Tuffgirl

Ok - blunt honesty ahead, TWWALTR.

You say you know you have to put your big girl panties on and step up to your responsibilities and choices. Yet you say you don't have the courage for it. To me - that's evasion. So maybe the real question is how to stop hiding from the hard parts of your life and instead embrace them with the ferocity needed to make change happen?

Instead of waiting for a force outside yourself - dig deep inside and figure out why you are procrastinating and address that. Immediately. If its fear, call it for what it is and accept that emotion. If you really don't want to finish this PhD program or don't like your thesis topic, address that, talk to your committee, and see what you can do next. If you aren't ready to move just yet, figure out a way to stay for a little bit longer.

Imagine yourself being content and satisfied every day, instead of comfortably miserable. Hold onto that picture in your head, pull yourself up by your boot straps, and march toward that goal. One foot in front of the other. You know you can do this; you just don't want to because its painful and hard. But like everything else in life, this moment will pass. And when you are on the other side of these goals, you will feel so much better and wonder why you waited so long!

honeypig

Wavy, I don't know that this will help you right at this point, but I would like to mention a book I recently started reading on the recommendation of an SR member. It's called Waiting: A Nonbeliever's Higher Power by Marya Hornbacher. As I say, reading and digesting a whole book may not be what you need right this moment to get you thru this particular day of your life, but you might like to read and think it thru for future use.

One of the sections I find myself re-reading and re-reading touches on how, if one is able to find and believe in a HP or God outside of oneself, and is able to believe that there is a "personal interest" taken in each of us by that HP, that can be very comforting in times of need. Those who are nonbelievers, as the author is, cannot turn to that same idea, and therefore acceptance of what is, acceptance of what you must do, and belief that you have it WITHIN you to do it, is necessary. This can leave you in a cold and lonely place at times, as you seek for some power outside yourself to step in and give you that boost but don't find it.

Seems like this is where you are now, and I don't know if any of that was in any way helpful to you, but I surely do wish you the strength you need to move ahead and do what you must.

ETA: The book Lexie mentions below is indeed great; my Buddhist 12-step group is currently reading it.

LexieCat

"One Breath at A Time" is also an awesome read. It's by Kevin Griffin (a Buddhist and an atheist) and it is about a Buddhist/atheist perspective on the 12 Steps.

Recovering2

The only way through something....is through it. The longer it takes you to take those first steps....the longer it will take you to find peace. Someone in my Alanon group said that he finally realized his happiness was on the other side of his fear. He had to push past the fear to get to his happiness.

Pick a date to move....and move. Once you set the date, don't back down. You'll be amazed at how everything else will come together once you take one foot forward.

AnvilheadII

I’m ignoring the knowledge that my relationship needs to end in order for me to be happy.

actually you can CHOOSE happy NOW, if you want. yes of course being in an unhealthy relationship doesn't exactly foster JOY....but people have survived long years on internment (mandela) or the most inhumane of conditions (holocaust) and never EVER let anyone steal their joy, their thirst for life.

PhD candidates can ask for extensions. PhDs can be delayed.
trying to move cats between countries is a complicated process, including shots and quarantines and a lot of other stresses...on the CATS. maybe they would do better staying behind, re-homed.

what are your priorities? what absolutely HAS to happen and what are just wishes?

bobbysocks

I've been in your position. Knowing what I wanted to do-what I must do. But fear of the unknown kept me stuck. FINALLY I got mad enough to face my fears and do what I had to. You WILL find the courage. You can do it. Good luck with your studies and all you are facing. With me, prayer is the only answer for courage or anything else. JMO

Wavy

Thank you very much for the book suggestions regarding a higher power, I think they will be really useful.

Thank you Tuffgirl! I really appreciate direct honesty. And everything you say is very true, I am just trying to avoid a painful reality. Yes I think the main thing holding me back is probably fear. Fear of the unknown, of making the wrong decision, of being alone, of change. I think part of me doesn't want to finish my thesis because that means having to face moving abroad, which is a great opportunity, but really scary. In my mind if I can not finish my thesis I can stay in this relatively safe place (as in its somewhere familiar I know how to live in) and not have to make any decisions or have anything change for the worse (or course that's me ignoring that it could and probably will be a change for the better). But none of that is true, all I'm doing is piling up more work for myself, since the deadline is not moving back in line with my procrastination!

I feel like I'm as happy as I can ever be in this situation and it isn't enough. It needs to change and I need to put my big girl pants on like Tuffgirl said I've already had numerous extensions on my PhD, now I can't take any longer even if the uni would let me (which they won't) because I have a job lined up for right afterwards. I have to do this. I can do this. I just need to ACTUALLY do this!

Moving the cats isn't too bad because it will be within Europe so I can get them a pet passport and there will be no quarantine, they can move freely. I love my cats, they are like members of the family, I'm not going to give them away just because it might be a little complicated to take them with me.


OK so I found a little courage. I emailed them back and am going to go and look at the house today. I barely slept last night worrying about moving and how/when to tell ABF and what to do about all the practicalities, like getting my name off bills and accounts and the lease. I was also worrying about how he will react and how to deal with that.

He is going away for ten days in about a weeks time, so I thought that would be the perfect time to move out because I can do it without his interference. What I don't know is whether I should tell him I'm leaving before or after he goes. Our lease auto-renews each month and our renewal day falls when he is away. I'd want this month to be the last month I'm on the lease, so if I don't tell him until he gets back I'll already have to have spoken to the landlady to get my name off the lease before he knows I'm leaving and she'll probably want to talk to him when I tell her to find out if he wants to stay in the house and I don't want him finding out via her. But if I tell him before hand then I risk him not going away and it being so much harder to move everything and possibly him damaging my stuff if I'm not there.

I don't know how he will react, possibly angrily, which can lead to him getting violent, not necessarily with me, but that is a possibility. So I would prefer to have my stuff and the cats out the house when I tell him.

I feel so nervous to be plotting behind his back like this and I know that will be hurtful to him when I tell him, because when he discovered the start of a similar plan a while ago he talked to me about how he felt about it. I know I'd be hurt if he was plotting behind my back, it would feel like such a betrayal, which is how he sees it too. I don't want leave him in a financial mess because of my actions because we had a plan that would mean we were both OK money wise and if I leave that will mess it up for him, which doesn't seem fair. But yeah I know what you'll say is it fair for you to stay in this situation where you are unhappy so that he doesn't need to sort his money out. No, I know.

i just keep thinking how destroyed I'd feel if I came home from a work trip to find all his things gone, the joint bills taken out of his name and him telling me he was leaving and it will be so much worse for him because he can't fathom that I would actually leave. I do feel there is something underhand about doing it this way, that makes me feel like I'm not being fair.

I can't believe I am really thinking about doing this. It all feels so unreal. Even tho today has gone well so far I still know this is what I need to do. I'm going to spend some time finding out about what I can the names over in without needing his consent and under what circumstances a restraining order can be obtained in case it comes to that. I feel bad for my new housemates because however hard I try to keep where I move to a secret he has ways of finding things out and if he behaves as he has in the past then they will end up getting dragged into this, despite being totally innocent. That will be where a restraining order will come in.

I'm panicking a bit and feeling very confused about the best line of action, but I guess at least I am moving forward. Thank you for all your replies they are helping me face my life, little by little.

honeypig

Wavy, you would be absolutely right in what you say here if the person you were dealing with was a healthy, normal, rational human being. However, he is NOT any of those things (well, he is a human being, but not the other things!), and thus your obligations and constraints on what is "fair" and "right" are completely different.

For example, you mention concern that he might damage your belongings; if the shoe was on the other foot, would that be something he would have to worry about from you? Not likely, right?

You also mention that he will find out where you have gone and your housemates will be dragged into the situation. Again, if the shoe was on the other foot, is this something he would have to worry about you doing if the situation was reversed? Probably not.

I understand the guilt and the feeling of being underhanded and of somehow wanting everyone concerned to be on the same page and in agreement about what is happening and why. I would feel the same. However, since being here, I've come to understand that this is actually codependent behavior, and I have more than a little of it in me. Sounds like you might, also.

To me, what it boils down to is that he has brought things to this pass by his own actions. Yes, it would be devastating to return from a trip and find your partner vanished if you had no warning, no idea there was a problem. Your leaving is not exactly coming out of the blue, though, right? He knows there is an issue and has made the choice to continue as he has been; thus, to me, he is choosing to accept the consequences of those actions. All you are doing is following thru. You need have no guilt or shame about what you're doing.

Wishing you the strength and clarity you'll need. May your time abroad be a time of amazing growth and learning for you!

Wavy

Thank you honeypig. That was a very kindly worded reply that has been very useful.

It is true he would not have to worry about those things from me.

Haha yes he is still a human being And I still feel some obligation to have a basic level of decency towards him. Whatever he's done this is still going to hurt like hell for the both of us. I've had time to prepare myself for this and for him it will be out of the blue.

I'm really nervous and worried and anxious about it all. And I've got to pretend for the next week that everything is normal and that I don't really feel like bursting into tears every ten minutes. I'm going to have to spend time with him, even enjoy being around him knowing that I'm leaving that and that I'm not being honest with him, that it is a front. I'm so scared of what is coming - more that I don't know what is coming I guess.

I'm going to tell him once he gets back rather than before he goes and if it means I have to pay a few extra months rent on two places then so be it. If I'm not too proud to ask, my Dad said he will help out if I need it. It does mean I can't go NC straight away since we will have to sort out splitting all the joint bills and I can already see that I might end up clinging onto that contact in order to still have some aspect of him, even though its likely those exchanges will be not very positive.

Wavy

Oh also, I managed to get the courage to ask someone to be my sponsor last night at AlAnon! I have been trying to work up to if for weeks, but I was so upset last night that it just kinda fell out and I asked her. I think I felt like I had nothing to lose at that point! We are going to do it over email and she gave me the telephone list of everyone's numbers and told me to use it. I'm so used to being on my own and having no support that I don't know how to use it! I don't know what to do or say to anyone. I'm not even sure how to start off on the whole sponsorship thing.

honeypig

There was a thread about sponsorship recently; here's a link. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ponsor-do.html

Hope that helps a little, and good job on taking that step!

LexieCat

Good for you on the sponsor thing! I suggest setting a date to sit down with her and talk about how you will work that, when and how you will work on the steps, etc. As for the phone numbers, I suggest you just give one person a call each day. Tell them you are just getting used to calling people (it's more common than you think for people to be reluctant to pick up the phone), and keep the conversation brief, unless you have a serious problem to discuss. I always ask people if I'm catching them at a bad time (kids in the tub, just sitting down to eat, etc.).

As far as moving out goes, when I moved out (and my ex was there while I did it, but in your case moving while he's gone sounds preferable) I left him one month's rent and after that he was on his own. If you can possibly afford to pay two rents that one month, that would give him a chance to figure out how to pay the following month (moving, taking in a roommate, etc.). I felt the same way you do--did not want to leave him in a tough spot, if I could help it. If you can't afford it, though, I wouldn't postpone the move for that reason. Your own well-being comes first here--you wouldn't be moving if it weren't for his behavior.

It will work out, don't stress too much over things that haven't happened and may not. Plan for contingencies as best you can and then let it go.

Wavy

Thank for the thread honeypig.

Thanks for the advice on getting started with the phone calls LexieCat. I've always been reluctant to call people if I could avoid it, but I should make myself do it since its meant to be good for me.

Somehow I will be able to pay 2 rents. My name will still be on the lease so I'm still liable for paying it and I feel bad about shirking those responsibilities, even so he will feel wronged that I've abandoned the house on him when he only stayed there on the understanding that we would still be together when I move abroad, even tho I made it clear he would need to be able to afford to cope with it on his own, its just this will be sooner that he (we) had planned. And I understand if he does feel wronged. I feel like I'm doing a really sh!tty thing.

Yes I do get carried away worrying about things that may or may not happen, but even tho I know I'm doing it and want to make myself stop they just keep going round and round and round my head.

LexieCat

You are NOT doing a sh!tty thing. You are taking reasonable steps to live a happy life.

It's too bad if he's disappointed or feels wronged. He can feel any way he wants to. How he feels does not make one bit of difference in terms of whether your actions are OK or not. And they are OK. You aren't obligated to stay sick because he chooses to.

MamaKit

Wavy,
It sounds like things are starting to get into gear. I imagine the teeth on a gear grabbing a bike chain one, by one...slowly at first because there are only a few teeth engaged but as more teeth fit into that chain...the bike starts moving!
I am a world class procrastinator too. I remember when I started plotting my move....those first calls for a rental were so tough. Then I found a great one and I could get excited about the new space.

I think you can flip around the mantra "I can make it through for one day." Instead, you can say " I can accomplish one more step today." It's not tolerating the situation but rather changing it one step or day at a time. Sounds to me like you are on your way.

Sending lots of support,
MamaKit

honeypig

Wavy, the one thing I would like to stress again, b/c I feel like it hasn't gotten thru yet, is that you are not doing this to him out of the blue. You have discussed the situation w/him (I even went back and looked at some of your other posts to make sure), he KNOWS this is a problem for you and he is very clear in his choice to NOT change, to NOT address the problem.

So this is not some awful thing you are doing to him for no reason; it is the consequences of his actions. The chickens are coming home to roost. That's all it is, plain and simple.

We all make choices every single day, and we live w/the consequences of those choices. He has to do so too.

Hang in.