PinotNOmore

So, I've been moderating very well since may, and thought I'd figured this whole thing out! BUT>>> my idea of moderating has meant drinking one, sometimes two in public (i.e. with my hubby or friends) and smuggling other drinks in my purse or hidden in the restroom... I NEVER felt sick or woke up hungover because it was always spaced out over hours!! However, tonight I was in the laundry room drinking a beer, (which i don't even like) and thought, HELLO!! I don't think so!! this isn't working!!!! I am SOOO unhappy, and I KNOW I would be happier sober, but it just cant stick. Worst part... I had an appointment with an addiction counselor tomorrow, and had to reschedule because I don't have child care at that time. I rescheduled for next tuesday! I want to be sober SOOOO bad!! I am 29 years old and if by some reason I have not beat this problem by age 30, I just don't know what I'll do. I CANT UNDERSTAND THE EXTREME DESIRE TO ACCOMPLISH SOMETHING, WITH THE LACK OF SELF CONTROL TO FOLLOW THROUGH!!!

LadyinBC

How do you feel aobut going to some AA meetings until you see the counselor? I saw an addiction counselor and it was the best thing I ever did.

BarbieKen

I second the idea of AA. Alcoholism is a disease. Can you control diabetes through will power? I hear your pain.

Dee74

welcome back PinotNOmore

I honestly think you'd get further without the idea of moderating...it's like driving with the handbreak on...

even a little bit of poison can kill, y'know?

LiveLikeGold6

I pm'd you can't wait to talk

dragon12

I love your name PinotNomore!! Mine should be ChardonnayNomore!
You CAN beat this.....we all can. Just take it one day at a time. Great you are seeing a counsellor.

Pondlady

I second what Dee says about moderation and like the hand brake analogy. I tried moderation in the summer of 2011, eventually resumed daily drinking and stopped in the summer of 2012. Stopping has been the best thing for me and is actually easier

Isaiah

Hey Pinot,

I think one of the things that people often get confused about when it comes to problems with drinking is mistaking a problem as being "drinking too much." Within the span of alcohol abuse problems and alcoholism it really isn't about drinking excessively, blacking out, etc. It's really about continuing to drink despite negative consequences.

Whether it's feeling ashamed and needing to hide one's use, feeling dissatisfied with the alcohol but feeling compelled to drink anyway, or just general lack of control... regardless of an ability to moderate, if it's having a negative impact, then someone as myself would encourage--out of genuine concern--going abstinent.

Sounds like you've reached a point where it's clear any drinking isn't working any more to your greater benefit. So I hope you have a good meeting with this counselor, maybe figure out where you're at and want to be. If sobriety is the next path you want to take then I hope you stick around. This site was a big help for me, and I'm still coming to help and be helped in kind.

quitforme79

Pinot I used to sneak drinks in the bathroom too, on the few occasions I did go out. That brought me back! I have stayed sober with the help of sr & AA. Life isn't always easy but you're right, sobriety is definitely a better place to be.

least

Moderation just prolongs the misery. Stop drinking now and you'll start feeling better soon.

PinotNOmore

Thank you for all your responses. I did go to a few (2) AA meetings back in 2011 before getting pregnant, and I just didn't feel very comfortable. Maybe I'll try again down the road if this counselor doesn't help. I haven't had any big negative consequences from my drinking, and often wonder if that is what it'll take to quit completely. Insane, but when drinking I've occasionally even wished for something like that to happen but when sober I know that's not what I want. I have a great life. I want to be able to enjoy it fully.

However, and maybe I'm just making excuses, there never seems to be a good time to stop. I have a friend flying across the country to see me in 3 weeks and she keeps talking about sharing a bottle of wine. It's what we did and I haven't seen her in years. And my husband who is anti me drinking says it'll be a dull trip for her if I don't drink. Hard to quit when even your biggest critics are giving you excuses to continue.

I can remember how amazing it was going 9+ months without drinking last year, I remember how I told myself I was NEVER going to let my drinking get out of hand again, that I could control how/when I drank. Well, it's not as easy as I thought after all but I'll get there… eventually.

Dee74

The thing is tho, if you're look for permission to drink, you'll always find it from well meaning but ultimately clueless folks.

We have to take responsibility for ourselves I think - we all know the real score and we know what drinking means for us - and we have to deny ourselves that permission.

Can you postpone your friends visit?

If not I think you have to make it clear to everyone(yourself included) that you will not be drinking.

Do that now....not in a few weeks, but now.

D

Anna

I agree there is never a good time to stop drinking, but I think you should put your health and happiness over entertaining your old friend with a bottle of wine. Cancel the visit, go out for coffee with her, whatever you need to do, but make the choice to not drink.

I needed to be very motivated to stop drinking so I spiralled down pretty far. Know that alcoholism is a progressive disease and it will get worse unless you stop. We are here for support.