lillamy

I haven't been able to go to meetings for a month, and I know that's what I'm missing. I hang out here a whole lot more because I need a place to feel normal.

Don't get me wrong -- I have friends and coworkers and a partner and a great boss who all know about AXH and my ongoing issues with him. I haven't had to go into hiding for over a year but it's not impossible it will happen again soon.

I just can't stand the pity. I can't stand when people treat me like this poor little frail thing who was stupid enough to get involved with an abusive addict. It would even be better if they actually said "WHY on earth did you get involved with him, dumbass?" -- it's the pity I can't stand, the implicit message being that I am to be pitied and I am less and I am not very smart. I'm no dumber because I made a bad choice when I picked my spouse.

Here, I don't feel pitied. I don't feel like you roll your eyes at me. I feel like you might say "OMG, that poor schmuck (a woman can be a schmuck, right?) is being JUST as dumb as I was!" but that's a different thing.

I'm just really grateful to you for being there.

LexieCat

Man, do I hear you on that one. I'd MUCH rather be thought of as ignorant than thought of as an object of pity. I cannot STAND having people feel sorry for me--that's why, if I were in the hospital, I wouldn't want visitors. Unless they are smartasses. Those would be OK.

lillamy

Be sure to let me know if you're ever in the hospital, Lexie. I think I'd qualify as a visitor.

fedupbeyondall

I totally understand your feelings. It's why I haven't told many people about my situation. And I think it's a part of why I haven't yet made it to Al-Anon. Being pitied or felt sorry for is, well it just sucks (sorry couldn't think of what more I could say that could be repeated in polite conversation). It's why I'm grateful for SR like you. I don't feel pitied or looked at with anything but support.

(((((HUGS)))))

LexieCat

Al-Anon won't get you much in the pity department, either. Everyone there gots their own problems, and nobody will be all that impressed with yours.

lillamy

I should clarify that my partner doesn't pity me. Or baby me. He's more like "hey, d'you need to go shopping? 'cause I don't see you wearing any big girl pants..." He does himself come from a broken marriage with an abusive spouse, so he gets it.

And fedup? You won't be pitied in Al-Anon. Granted, SR in my experience is a bit more straightforward in calling us on our BS, but Al-Anon has done the same for me, only more gently.

AnvilheadII

a woman can be a schmuck, right?

i believe the term is schmuckess.

not sure of the dynamics but can you just NOT talk about THAT anymore in the work life etc? in times of need we often HAVE to open up in order to get the help and support we need, but then there does come a time where in certain circumstances it's ok to close the book.

now, give the hair a good toss, and you tilt your chin and trudge that happy road to destiny!

lillamy

Oh yeah, I don't talk about it at work -- except when I need time off for yet another court wrangling or someone to walk me to the car because security is short-staffed. I just do not have enough middle fingers for that man and I'm really really really tired of him continuing to screw up my life eons after we divorced. I mean, really -- couldn't he get something else to obsess over? Golf? Hockey? The Kardashians?

wicked

Yay! Put me on the top of the list! I qualify.

lillamy, I hear you on this one.
when someone wants to feel sorry for this middle aged lady,
I wanna say,
"hey, I am a qualified expert with an automatic weapon!"
bwahahahaha!
I got your pity right here.

fedupbeyondall,
the only thing that happened at my alanon meeting
was letting all that emotion out.
I am not used to that.
But, they are.
So, I cried.
Just saying that does not detract from my smartazz weapons qualities.

lillamy,
I wish he would find something else to obsess about too.
But, good news that you have a cool guy.
(big girl panty shopping, hehehehe)
I would like to hang out with you.

Beth

KKE

I'm not into pity but I like empathy :-)

FireSprite

Oh, God yes. I totally get where you are coming from.

LoveMeNow

I am so sorry you are feeling this way! (joking, lol)

I hate to be pitied too. It make me feel like people think I am weak. Living with an addict isn't for sissies, leaving takes even more strength and courage.

P.S. I don't think of it as being stupid anymore, I prefer the word "unfortunate".

love4menotu

lillamy-

Oh my goodness. Everyone in my life, including coworkers, know what I've been going through with my stbxh. I was married for such a short time (16 whole months) and it's hard not to notice the crying woman in cubicle 2.

The pity I can stand, it's the questions from people I haven't seen in a while... "How's married life??" uhh.. eh.... I'm getting a divorce, guess you haven't heard. Yea, it was a mistake, dumb schmuck me. Awkward silence to follow... AND DON'T YOU DARE ASK ME OUT!!!

So what. What other people think of me is none of my business.

Right back at ya girl,

and

Lyn

lillamy

Oh, Lyn, people ask the dumbest questions!!! Those must be tough to handle - the ones that don't know. I thought people's reaction who knew were bad enough...

I think my favorite after the divorce was the woman - another parent at my kids' school - who came barreling up to me like a steam train and said: "I heard you were getting divorced! WHY?"

Really? "Why?"? What did she expect? "He was cheating on me" or "I fell in love with a hot Italian" - I mean, is there any potential way you can ask that question of a virtual stranger and not be utterly boundary less?

Anyway. I have a kid who is... a bit different... and his first teacher talked to me about how everyone needs to have a place where they feel normal, where they don't have to explain themselves. SR is that place for me.

Tuffgirl

Oh that's priceless!

DreamsofSerenity

I love this ^^^^.

DreamsofSerenity

oh and I think I feel more alone in a room full of people than I do when I am actually alone.

Ann

I don't like crowds period or a roomful of people. And I share my story very selectively. Most friends and business colleagues know I have dealt with addiction in the past with my foster son (he's been missing 9 years so most here where I live now never knew him) but more than that is saved for a very few trusted friends, my 12-step groups and here at SR.

Well said, LMN!!

And, like Anvil said, there are so many other things we can talk about.

Anyone who presses for details that are none of their business can get a "sorry, that's personal." and leave it at that.

Hugs

lillamy

I like Dear Abby's response (I think it was her -- it may have been Ann Landers) to personal questions: "If you forgive me for not answering, I will forgive you for asking."

theuncertainty

I vote for this one.

I haven't had that nosy stranger problem to that degree (yet), it's tended to run something along the lines of:
How's your husband?
We're getting/are divorced.
Oh. Sorry to hear that. (Backs off slightly as if the big D is contagious.)
Oh. No worries; it's for the best.
(Backs off even further.)

I don't think that having lived through what you did / are with your X means you're a frail girl, or some one worthy of pity, or a schmuck. Any one who thinks that just doesn't know just how strong you have to be to survive and escape it. And if they don't know, their opinion doesn't need to matter on that subject.

It's easier to remember that with some people than with others... (And I have to say, I can't see how any one would think that about you after talking with you a while.)