bmf1978

I'm so scared. I love my fiance so much. He is truly the best man I've ever known. But he has a serious drinking problem. He binge drinks on weekends. Once he has one drink, he cannot and does not stop. He tries to hide his drinking from me, but I know when he's up to it. A few weeks ago, he had an alcohol-related seizure due to not drinking for about 4 days (after we had an argument about his drinking). He was detoxed in the hospital and decided to go the AA route to stop drinking, though my impression was that he didn't want to stop forever. Well, he went on a bender on Friday night...after going three weeks without a drink. I contacted his family - they live in another state - and told them what has been going on. They were unaware of how serious the problem is, though they said they had been concerned before he met me two years ago. Their plan is to suggest in-patient rehab to him and they want me to tell him that I will leave him if he refuses - which I know he will. He works in finance and will not want to miss work. I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders right now. I know that I must do this, but I'm not sure that an ultimatum is the right path. And I'm kind of resentful that his family is putting all of this on me. I feel so horrible - he has no idea what's coming tonight.

LexieCat

Don't let anyone force you into an ultimatum you don't want to make. His family is using you as their tool to try to control him. It's unlikely to work, and it isn't fair to you.

Have you been to Al-Anon? I think it would help you a great deal in sorting out your feelings and deciding what YOU want to do.

One thing--I would certainly recommend that you NOT marry this man unless and until he has been solidly sober for at least a year. But whether you "leave" him now or break it off with him is a decision only you can make, and you should not be forced into it by his family, however well-intentioned they may be.

Ripper

I wish I could give you some great advice. I'm sure one of the `senior` members will come on soon. All I can say is that you are not alone and that being in your position right now must be so difficult. Try to get some support, is it that urgent that you confront your fiancé tonight? Maybe give yourself a little time to think. Stay on this site, it will help you, I am sure. take care

Ripper

Thank you LexieCat, you posted while I was writing about the senior members

LexieCat

Oh, dear. I feel like part of the AARP of SR.

Ripper

Senior by no means old....if that were the case, I would certainly not be a newbie

m1k3

Bmf, one of the first things I learned when I came to this site was the 3 c's.

I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it.

Making ultimatums and threats is pretty much useless for a couple of reasons. One is they are not going to work a recovery until they are ready to work a recovery. Simple as that, you have no control over this. The second is that it's not my place to tell someone else how to live their lives. If my wife wants to drink until she's blind drunk that's her choice.

My choice is whether or not I want to live the rest of my live like that.

Please read the stickies at the top of the index page, there is tons of good advice there and keep coming here. There is much wisdom, experience, strength and hope to be found in this forum.

Your friend,

KKE

I also think if you start making ultimatums that you can't keep there's a chance the person you make the ultimatums too might start taking what you say in future with a pinch of salt - "oh she won't follow through with that anyways so whatever"

wicked

Hello bmf1978,

I am so glad you found your way to do this site.
Don't do anything you do not want to do.
It is unbelievably out of line for his family to say
you are responsible for giving him an ultimatum.

first, you are right, ultimatums do not work.
You could get him to rehab, and then he goes right back to drinking.
Rehab is not a cure all.

He is an alcoholic and that is HIS problem to address.

Where were they with the ultimatums two years ago?

Please take care of yourself bmf.

It is not your job to get him to rehab, or get him sober.

What do you want for your life bmf?

Beth

lillamy

No you don't.
It seems to me that his family is putting an awful lot of pressure and responsibility on you for something that's not your responsibility to deal with. Like he was their responsibility until you "took over"...

It's his responsibility. Don't let them push you into something you're not comfortable with.

suki44883

Hon, if you aren't ready to leave him, then don't give him the ultimatum. Please don't allow someone to push you into something you don't want to do. If his family wants to give him an ultimatum, that's their business, but it is just wrong of them to try to force you to do it.

DreamsofSerenity

Hi

I agree with m1k3 here about the ultimatum. Ultimatums don't work. You already know it isn't going to work, so the plan seems bad to me. Unless you are absolutely ready to leave him if he refuses treatment, I wouldn't go through with it.

I can see why his parents think (and hope) it might work; I thought the same with my ex. It was practically inconceivable to me that he'd choose alcohol over me--he told me loved me about a hundred times a day--but he did. And, I might add, it wasn't very good for my self esteem to come in second to the bottle. I wouldn't put yourself in that position, because it hurts like h-ll.
Don't give him the chance to choose his sickness over you. Choose yourself over him and his disease.

What about a normal intervention with an expert? I don't know a lot about them but I do not believe they involve ultimatums.

AnvilheadII

i think something else to consider in this "dropping of the bomb" aka ultimatum thing...is that someone who drinks as he does and behaves as he does should not find it THAT surprising that his partner might not approve and in fact might be inclined to leave!!!!!

Itchy

When we have years of sobriety and our posts are in mid four figures we are the AARP of sobriety, dang! Good thing too.

Can I help you across the street ma'am?

BunnyNest

Welcome!

Maybe make an alternate plan for tonight. See if an alanon meeting is available and attend. Read the stickies at the top of this forum. Go to the bookstore, pick up a coffee and Codependent No More and start to read.

It is ok to pause, breathe and take care of yourself right now. There is no rush unless you are in danger.

wicked

I got my AARP card too!

bmf,

DreamsofSerenity said it so well. Choose yourself.

Beth

spiderqueen

Oh my gosh, this is so inappropriate - even though they are no doubt fearful, and desperate about his health, and understandably so. I'll give them the benefit of the doubt on that, and not assume they are simply scary and controlling future in-laws!

My ABF's mom is out of state, and worries about him a lot. We (sadly) had to stop communicating, because we were unwittingly feeding each other's codependent tendencies.

Please get help and support for YOURSELF FIRST, as others have so wisely suggested, before you do something rash, and probably useless, and terribly painful and scary for you. Otherwise, even if leaving the relationship turns out to be the best choice for you, you will always wonder.

Take good care!

mcaiwas

I'm sorry that I'm so new and have no real help to offer. I can say that the folks here have been super supportive to me and to everyone else, and that I trust their advice to you. Since I have nothing else to offer, I'm sending some thoughts of strength and peace out to you!

wantabe

Just in my experience, ultimatums don't work. My college age son gave is AM an ultimatum. She went to rehab and was back to drinking within a couple of months.

One of my favorite sayings that I learned here was:

Don't just do something, stand there.

LexieCat

Just one other thought, too. Don't feel that because you said you would do it, you must keep your word to his parents. Something so deeply affecting your life is something they had no right to ask of you, so you should not feel guilty if you are true to yourself.