grays

I am somewhat new to Nar-Anon and Sober Recovery, so protocol is still a little mysterious for me. My r(?)abf would like to attend a Nar-Anon meeting with me. There is only one meeting a week in our area, and I have been attending for about a month now. He will be on suboxone (sp?) when he attends, but is very fresh from active heroin using. He would like to attend to learn how to better help separate himself from his little brother, who is an addict and also his dealer. He would also like to "understand my side of recovery." My question is - is this appropriate? I do not want to walk into that room with him and find out after the fact that attending a meeting with your addict - regardless of the fact that he qualifies as a member as well- is a big no-no. Thanks in advance!

cynical one

IMO, he's too raw to hear what may be shared, it may be awkward for the Anons, and it may keep you from sharing honestly. Though I love the fact that he want's to work a program from this side, it would probably be more beneficial to work it from the addict side first.

Kindeyes

IMHO, almost every addict qualifies to be a member of Nar-Anon. The requirements for membership is that you have a friend or loved one affected by the disease of addiction. That's it. I would say that most addicts have friends who are addicts and, therefore, meet those requirements.

However, with that said, when I was very fresh in Nar-Anon, it would have made me very uncomfortable if my son wanted to attend with me. I agree with Cynical that it would have made it difficult for me to share openly. It would not have made me feel uncomfortable if someone else's addicted loved one was there.....just my own.

Now that I am well grounded in my own recovery, it wouldn't bother me a lick if my son wanted to see what goes on from the anon's perspective. In fact, I think it could be very beneficial to him. We often have addicts attend our Nar-Anon meetings and I would say the vast majority of the people in our meetings are totally ok with it. There was one person one time who voiced an objection. She was an oldtimer who felt it was inappropriate. I asked her to explain to me what the qualifications of attending the meetings is. She replied "well....they MUST have a friend or relative with the problem of addiction....they ARE the addict." I quietly asked "And do you believe that they may have friends or loved ones who are addicted?" She just looked at me for a minute and then said "Well....when you put it that way....."

At this time, he goes to his meetings. I go to my meetings. However......our respective meetings often have pot lucks or socialize together after meetings. I think it is a great part of learning how to interact in a healthy manner.

Rule of thumb....do what is comfortable for you.

gentle hugs
ke

Ann

I agree that it would be uncomfortable for you at this stage of recovery.

Perhaps he could find an Al-anon or CoDA meeting in your area if there is not another Nar-anon group.

He qualifies so the choice is his, but I would not have wanted my son attending my meetings on a regular basis. He attended only when I invited him and usually it was a special meeting, maybe the annual chip award night.

Good luck, at least you are both attending meetings. That's a great start.

Hugs

Lily1918

I dont share about my addiction at Nar anon, but D and I dont go to all of our meetings together. We like having a safe, separateplace to share.

Kindeyes

I was PM'd and corrected on my statement above.

"...The Nar-Anon Family Groups are a worldwide fellowship for those affected by someone else’s addiction..."

So let me rephrase my statement .....every addict has the potential to qualify for attendance at a Nar-Anon meeting.....as they often know other addicts and have the potential to be affected by their addiction.

I hope that is more palatable to those who may have been offended by my previous statement.

gentle hugs
ke

coraltint

Have you met someone at that meeting you could reach out to? Give them a call & ask them their opinion....each meeting has its own personality. They may even seem helpful enough to be your temporary sponsor so you can really get to work on your recovery.

Good Luck, keep coming back here!

cynical one

I've found your original statement to be quite accurate. Just sayin'...

grays

Thank you all - I really appreciate your thoughts! My (r)abf has been seeking recovery for the last four years, but recently had a relapse. Understanding that one of his obstacles is "people, places and things", he is looking to this meeting to separate from one of the hardest for him - his little brother. I have attended an NA meeting with him, but do not plan to make that a regular occurrence. He attends 5-7 nights a week and has recommitted to the program after a months absence. I do not believe he will go to nar-anon meetings every week, but that is his choice. At this point, I feel the best thing for me to do is just listen at these meetings. I have done a lot of talking in the last four years, but it is only in the last six months of reading and the last month of meetings that I am realizing that my old logic was faulty - I need to listen and learn now, not talk. I have shared at meetings when I felt I had something to contribute, and I believe I could do so again in his presence. Most of what I would have to say he has probably already heard from me anyway... I also believe he would respect my wishes if I asked him to not attend occasionally so I could have my "safe place" - he realizes that the NA room is the best place for him right now, and that Nar-anon may give him some insight, but isn't the resource NA is for his issues. And on that note, enough about him! I am looking forward to my meeting with or without him tonight - thank you all again!

Lily1918

sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders. KE, I thinkyou are right. All addicts should work on codependency.

GardenMama

My two cents: We had a "fresh" RA at our meeting a few weeks ago, and no one held back when it was their turn at the table. Nothing related to him, of course, but it was very clearly a space for those of us with an addict in our lives. He did not say much and was attentive and nervous at the same time. I think it is your call. But I do think it may be a good idea to talk to someone in the group. Our group was very open and welcoming to this young man, and yet we kept the focus on our recovery. I am sure it was illuminating. My RAD thought that all we do in NarAnon is bash addicts. Such visits might dispel such rumors.

lilyB2013

As the others have said, it really comes down to your comfort. Being exclusionary isn't one of the cornerstones of ANY of the fellowships... My AXBF asked me about going to one of my CoDA meetings once and I was ok with it... He never went. If your loved one is able to handle it himself, I personally would encourage it: any chance to expand the mind to understanding and compassion is never a bad thing and he might better know where you're coming from.

If my AXBF would have come, I probably wouldn't have shared on that particular night, however, just experienced the meeting together.

Carlotta

I think he probably could use some help with his codependent issues re his brother but I also think that it is better for couples to attend different meetings. Maybe there is a coda or Al Anon meeting in your area he could go to?
When it comes to recovery, it's like tooth brushes: his and his and hers and hers.

Lily1918

Agreed. Maybe a year or so into recovery start working on the relationship. D and I are in an exclusive friendzone. We have not broken up, but the relationship is on pause until we each have a year clean.