Mits78

Now that I am not drinking myself to death every night my eyes are opening to what i have done and have not accomplished yet in my life. When i was drinking i always knew that no matter how bad a day was i always had my escape time drinking every night. Now its seems like i have a daily review in my mind of all the things i have done wrong in my life and this seems to hold me back everytime i try to move forward. Thats what the drinking masked for all those wasted years. So many regrets.

I have always had that feeling of hopelessness and as a adult I now know i have suffered from depression and anxiety since I was a child. At 45 years old thats a long time to be feeling that way and I'm having a lot of trouble thinking that I can ever have a life without it.

How do I break this cycle?

dwtbd

this is exactly where I am, the best thing I can come up with in the present is not to give in today

Scotgirl79

I do exactly the same thing!! I torment myself with everything I've done wrong. But the only we can it can be seen is by knowing you cant change it or go back so all we can do is try push ourselves to live for today and make happy memories. I know it's really hard as I'm just like you that way. Hope your ok matey

Mits78

I uderstand that and do it from time to time but then its right back to the regrets. Its like i'm telling myself i cant have a good life for all i've done wrong.

Scotgirl79

Oh no I totally get you . I feel I can't move on from it it'll always be lurking. ESP because you think what other ppl think about you etc. hence why I drink and then it makes things worse as I do stupid stuff so I then have another bad memory to remember! It's just another never ending cycle. I think the longer you drink the longer you will torture yourself over stuff as drink puts you in a bad place. I know when not drinking as pregnant in the past I could care less at what I'd done as the bad feelings had gone that had me me constantly critisize myself. I did care but it really wasn't such a part of my life as let's face it who's perfect? We all have a past. X

deeker

I would highly recommend AA and the 12 steps of the program. Try to get to a meeting if you can. Alot of the answers you are seeking lie in working the steps of AA.You will find great support at a meeting and people who have felt the way you did before and people who still feel that way I am sure. These are the same people we drank with they are just sober and have found a solution to get sober and have learned to live that way and are living happy and purposeful lives. Here is a link to an AA Big Book online.

Big Book Online Fourth Edition Look into it!

Linked With Permission Of AA World Services inc.

wiscsober

As mentioned before....not sure if you are working a 12 step program...but if you are

deeker posted a good link...

mits78I felt and thought exactly like you posted

I waited much too long to do a 4th/5th step and move on to an 8th/9th step.....I would suggest to get a move on....

for me writing these steps down and sharing them really put the past in perspective...
moving on to the amends showed that I was willing to put the past in the past
and live a contented sober life....

soon the AA 9th step promises were coming true...mainly no longer regretting the past nor wishing to shut the door on it....

Best to you....get this stuff down on paper and talk to people about it

lala34mc

This has been heavy on my mind as of late, too.

I've done some incredibly awful things, including putting my own daughter at risk and treating my now ex-husband horribly.

I've talked to people who have several years of recovery under their belt and am assured that through working the steps and over time, this sense of shame and regret will dissipate.

I think this is why recovered addicts are among the most humble, grateful and compassionate humans around.

NOT feeling this kind of shame and regret are among my top reasons for choosing a different path.

Know that you are loved and respect-worthy and that so long as you choose to move in this direction, you're also moving away from all that self hatred and fear and anxiety into a lighter, brighter place.

Dib42

I've recently found some old Zig Zigler books that I've been hanging onto for 20 some odd years, but never read.

My 1 year old was playing on the bookshelf (not nearly as dangerous as that sounded). And pulled down "See you at the top" ... For no real reason I opened it up and started reading and got hooked.

I suggest if you're feeling down by your past, watch some zig ziglar positive attitude talks on youtube. His talks were very entertaining, and insightful.

deeker

You know what? There is a someone who died on a cross for all that stuff in the past. You know who I am talking about? He will change your life. Just ask!

FamilyMan2153

It is hard for me to move on as well. It is funny how we alcoholics are very good at forgiving other people in recovery but have a terrible time forgiving ourselves. AT 11 months sober I still look back and shake my head at times. What I had to do was write them down. It took a few days but I finally was able to see in front of me the destruction I caused. I read them and asked myself for forgiveness. I am a new man, not the man that did those things. Try to forgive yourself and remember that you are starting a new life. I can't just forget the past but you can forgive. Good luck.

Eleni58

I, too, think about some of the shameful, hurtful things I did and said while drunk. I realized only when I can forgive myself, can I move on and forget about the past. I tell myself it is the disease that caused me to do and say these things, not me. Part of my recovery plan is to write down every horrible thing I can remember doing or saying to friends and family while drunk on separate pieces of paper...throw all those pieces of paper in a can and burn them.

Mits78

Well, all of those responses helped quite a bit. I felt my shoulders relax as I read them. I've come to the conclusion i need to find someone to talk to about these issues. There are things in my past I havent talked to anyone about... ever.

On a good day I know there is an answer to any problem.

Thanks for the help!!

Scotgirl79

Glad your feeling a bit better matey. I think I need to talk to someone to get over things too. Hope your ok x

Ptcapote

Hi Mits. You're not alone, as I think almost all of us here have things we did and said while drinking/using that we would give anything to take back or take away. It is one of the hardest parts of recovery. AND it is, unfortunately, the one part that will keep you stuck in the drink/drug until you learn how to let it go.

As Deeker and Wisc said, AA is definitely one way to go as the 12 steps were designed to get at this very thing. And for many, many people, this works. But there are other ways if AA is not for you.

There is counseling (addiction counselors as well as just general psychologists) if your situation allows. There are other recovery methods (AVRT, Rational Recovery, LifeRing, others) that all have an element of getting over the past and/or staying in the present.

Also, if you have chronic depression and anxiety, it is well worth seeing your doc to get treated for this as well. Getting the right treatment will make all the difference in the world.

The essential thing is that you have to grasp that the past is gone. Over, gone, done. There is absolutely nothing that you can do to make it go away. All you can do is deal with it now. Your ego/AV loves nothing more than to keep you in the past because it gives you an excuse to drink more. But, as you know, this only continues the cycle and eventually makes things much, much worse. YOU are stronger than your ego or your Addictive Voice. You're in the driver's seat here. The only answers, and the key to recovery, can only be found in the present.

Maybe the best you can do right now is say "I'm sorry" and let it go. Getting over addiction means living, as much as possible, in the present moment. That is very hard to do and I struggle with it daily but I have come to realize that the past holds nothing for me that will ever make me stop drinking. All I will do is keep hurting myself and others. And staying drunk.

So, as my sponsor loves to say, "drop the rock" you've been carrying around. Accept that you have made mistakes, hurt people with your words or actions, and done things you wish you hadn't. Then drop the rock of the past and move forward.

Anything--any situation, relationship--can change. I know that for sure. I also know the most freeing thing I have done for myself in a very long time, possibly ever, is to let go of the past. This doesn't mean you don't try to correct mistakes where you can and apologize where you are able...but it does mean you are no longer trapped. Some of it will be messy, but once you get through it, you are free. And trust me, you WILL feel it. It will feel so, so much better.

There's tons of books about this (both for drinkers and just in general) if you prefer to read.

You'll get through this and you are not alone. Just "drop the rock," knowing that the past is exactly that. Past.

Big hugs and lots of good wishes to you!!

Dee74

Hi Mits78

The first thing I had to accept is I can't change a second of whats gone before...so to obsess over it is pretty pointless.

I can make amends for it, or I can learn to live with it - thats about it.

The thing is tho - as much as you want to fix it all now, I advise you to wait a while - you'll find you'll be way more capable of dealing with stuff like this in a few months time - you may even find your perspective on it changes markedly.

For now, try and just focus on the day you can change - today..live the way you know you should and make what you do today a living response to what you did in the past

D

Bruce292

For me, what has worked is meditation. The act of trying to prevent intrusive thoughts has a side effect. You find that you can control which thoughts you address and which you don't. If a bad thought from my past shows up I've learned to acknowledge that is exists .... I can even welcome it, but I don't have to play it back. For me it has been a very powerful tool for controlling which thoughts I feed and which wither on the vine.

It's working for me ... though I realize it's not for everyone. It also requires a significant investment of time but no guru is required :-)

bigsombrero

Couldn't have put it any better than Dee did. I just posted here to tell you to look at Dee's post again. Think about it. And repeat.

Grungehead

Mits78,

I did a 5th step yesterday and I did exactly this. I told him some things that I have never told to ANYONE in my entire life. It was not only liberating but I found that I had let these "things" grow into monsters when in reality they weren't. Was I a terrible person for doing them? No. Was I human and made mistakes? Yes.

4th Step: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5th Step: Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

tomsteve

the program of AA helped me clear away the wreckage of my past. it showed me the exact nature of my wrongs and how to fix what i could and let go of what i couldn't.

my past no longer haunts me. i don't regret one second of it. yup, theres things that happened that would be nice if they didn't( don't know too many people that would say they wouldn't change being responsible for the death of another human) but i accept everything, take accountability for my part, and have done what i can to change me to not let who i was surface.

today when past events come into my melon, i can look at em, then thank God im not that man anymore.


i owe it all to God, the program, and fellowship of AA.