CFDMama

My ABF (I believe that is the correct acronym - I'm still learning) has been in detox for not even 24 hours. I dropped him off yesterday afternoon with a bag full of belongings, the rest of which are still in our apartment. I've mentioned before that I'm going to have to give up said apartment. I plan on calling the landlord this week to talk to her about ending the lease - and then I have 30 days. Anyway, when I left ABF yesterday, he still had his house keys. He said that once he gets through his 5 or 6 days of detox, he is going to go to an aftercare program, but doesn't know if it will start immediately and kept the keys just in case he needed to come home and I didn't have the balls to take them from him. I was so sad an emotional. I haven't hit the anger yet. Was this a terribly bad idea? If he is home in between these 2 stages of his recovery is it going to be horrible?

The other part of my question - the one I really feel I need some input on... well, my family, especially my mother, who is very involved in my life and who watches our son for 6 hours every day while I work, is 100% against me having anything to do with ABF ever again. She told me that if I ever let him back into my life that my family will never support me again. I've thought of friends who have had relationships with addicts in the past and none of those have ever worked out. I just wonder - is it even possible that we can have a relationship again? Can this ever really work? Does it ever work? I need to know from people who have been through it. Please. And if it does work - am I going to ruin my relationship with my family because of it?

It may be noteworthy to mention that ABF has done rehab before we ever met, when he was much younger. He has an adult daughter from another relationship, and unfortunately, history is very seemingly repeating itself. That one ended quite badly and he and his daughter do not have a very good relationship currently. I can't remember how much I've reapeated myself, so please bear with me - but he was clean and sober for 8 years before everything happened this time.

I feel I have nothing to hold back at this point, so if there are factors that I'm not mentioning that can help provide more - please ask.

I must apologize for sounding like such a train wreck. I'm just so completely confused right now. I know I'm asking for honest answers, but please be gentle. I'm really hoping to hear something positive out of this - and yes, I know that may not be the reality... but please, just be gentle.

Hammer

dunno.

Here is how I have (sort of) handled things.

Figured out that the kids are #1 Priority.

and through Alanon, that I next have to take care of me, because otherwise who is going to make sure the #1 Priority remains the #1 Priority?

So we have three kids, and none of them are named Mrs. Hammer, so I know that her stuff, nonsense, crisis de jour, lies, and drama . . . are not a Priority. They are JUST her stuff, nonsense, crisis de jour, lies, and drama.

As far as your mom. Yeah, ok, whatever. Mrs. Hammer's dad tries the Tough Talk Warnings about her, too. Still she just uses and dumps him as it may serve her.

Addicts are Users. If you are useful to them, they will use you. Only two ways around that I have found are to be Useless to them, or say NO. Which again makes you useless to them.

Kindeyes

Welcome to SR.....most of us understand the train wreck stage.

Can it ever really work? Sure anything is possible. I know several couples who have survived addiction (in some cases where both were addicted). And I know of many relationships that have not survived (including my own with my AXH).

If I had to look back with 20/20 hindsight.....I wish that I had sought help for ME during that difficult period (train wreck stage and beyond). Private counseling and/or support groups such as Al-Anon or Nar-Anon would have been very helpful for me.

I eventually sought help when my adult son became addicted (biological son with XAH). I think I would have handled myself, stopped trying to control others, and been in a better position to cope with many things throughout my life. In addition, working my own program of recovery has helped me develop a common language with the recovering addict in my life. This has helped tremendously.

The most important things that I have learned is to establish strong boundaries and take care of me first. There is a whole pattern of behaviors that I developed (many during childhood) that were unhealthy for me as well as for others around me. Breaking those patterns of behavior was extremely important for my own personal growth.

My beautiful daughter (who is not an addict) is dating a guy who is an alcoholic. I know enough about the disease to know that it is progressive. He has a felony record although he has been doing well (employed, has his driver's license again etc) for the last four years since they've been dating......so time will reveal more. What your parents are trying to tell you is that whatever you decide to do with your ABF......you own.....if there are negative consequences, you own those consequences. It is as painful for a parent to watch their adult child DEAL with a relationship with an addict as it is for the person actually IN the relationship with the addict. They are merely telling you that they can't watch the train wreck anymore. It is too painful for them......because they love you. It is heartbreaking for them to watch their grandchild in this situation as well.

Please.....take care of you and the child.

gentle hugs
ke

CFDMama

All I can say is thank you.

My thoughts are just all flying through my head at a mile a minute trying to figure out what is best. I have so much to take care of right now and very little will to do any of it. I've already called my therapist and I'm waiting to hear back to see if I can get in to see her. It's been almost 2 years since I've met with her, so I'm hoping she can squeeze me in. I have bill collecters to call and beg for extensions. I have to call the landlord and give up the apartment - which is just such a giant thing to think about right now. I really know that getting out of there, which will prohibit ABF from coming back (at least once I'm out and once he's hopefully in aftercare) will be very helpful for both of us and for the baby, but it also feels quite final. There is just so much happening all at once and I feel like I'm barely treading water.

incitingsilence

Define support?

Because support is love and patience and acceptance…it doesn’t mean one does for.

I got questions.
Does she watch your child because she feels she needs to help you? ( her issue )
Does she watch your child because she enjoys spending time with and she has the time to do it? ( no strings attached, very normal and healthy )
Does she watch your child and then uses that as a way to control your actions? Make you feel indebted that she does? ( hmm that one is sick )

I put the above out because we tend not to be here by happenstance.

In terms of relationships. My feeling are this. There is no relationship, or at least a healthy one if both sides do not work on themselves first and foremost. Then together is possible. I know many who are still together some still very sick together and some are very healthy and some only have one side doing the work and they won‘t make it at all usually…I am still with my husband, and we have both had to work on ourselves to make this work. One thing is for certain no matter the choice to stay or leave, if you do not work on you, and I mean all focus on you, then there aren’t many promises out there waiting. You really have to do just that work on you, for your best chance. Nothing has to do with him.

Also lets clear your plate some. Your health and your child take priority. If you have any calls to make, then make them pertaining to you. If you are making calls for him you are wasting time, he can handle all his stuff when he gets out.

If you do not want him to come back to the apt you share after detox, then tell him so. If he is on the lease you will not be able to stop him from doing just that because he is entitled to. Most detox places would rather one go right from there to rehab so hopefully they will deal with that end of things and arrange it all. And if he can’t go from one to the other, and uses in between, then you may have an answer to a very I important question.

Also make no mistake, he has rode this ride before so he does know what he needs to do.

Love that you called your therapist, that is a great step for you. And with the thoughts in your head, well journaling may help there, just to clear out what isn’t important right now and any fears and worry for the future that are just a distraction more than anything else.

Take good care.

zoso77

Your fellow M@sshole Welcomes you to the Board.

I highlighted this passage because I though it was interesting. Your question is "Does it ever work?" The answer is yes, it can work. I have an older cousin who was a severe alcoholic and embraced sobriety. If he hadn't, his marriage would have been over, or he likely could have died. My masseuse's husband has been in recovery for 8 months now, and he's doing well.

That being said, there are also instances where alcoholics and addicts never find recovery. My clinician is a social worker on a psych unit, and she's told me that only 10% of the patients that pass through there get clean and stay clean.

The question you should be asking is what sort of price are you willing to pay to be with your ABF. And no one but can you answer that question. If you stick around on the board and educate yourself as to what you're up against, you can make an intelligent, informed, and mature decision. Where there are children involved makes the decision making that much more critical. So, make decisions based on what you know to be true, not what's in your heart or what you hope may happen.

Regarding the threat that your mother made, it made me laugh. The first three Steps in AA, NA, Al Anon and Nar Anon are centered around giving up control and admitting we're powerless over addiction, either our own OR someone else's. What your mother is doing is trying to control you. And while it's not my place to tell you how to handle your family, I'm a firm believer of making your own decisions and accepting the consequences of those decisions, for good or for ill. Whatever decision YOU make regarding YOUR ABF, you pay a price.

Good Luck,
ZoSo

allforcnm

My husband came home in between detox and rehab, and it went fine. He wanted to spend some time with his son. I think it depends on his state of mind and physical condition after the detox.

Im sure your mom and other family are just worried about you and your child. The catch is that if he is the father of your child, then you will probably have a difficult time removing him from your life 100% even if you wanted to, as he will have rights especially if he becomes sober again. I would also ask, what does your mom mean by "support"? Hopefully she just means that you will need to take responsibility for the risk / uncertainty if you maintain a relationship with him. Not that she will try to punish you, or cut you out of her life because of a choice she disapproves of.

The friends who had relationships with addicts that didn't work out; did the people remain in addiction, did they take active steps to learn & control their addiction / put it in remission? Or were they happy with that lifestyle?

I cant say what the future holds for your BF, only time will tell. If you believe that addiction is a chronic disease as it is defined by the medical community, then relapse is often part of the process. He went 8 years, and now he needs more treatment. It sounds like he is stepping up and doing the right thing by detoxing, and getting help.

It sometimes helps to remember you dont have to have all the answers today. He has a long way to go, and you will be able to see how his recovery goes during this process. Allow yourself some time to process all that has happened, and the changes that you are going to go through (moving, etc) that is a lot for anyone to deal with. Give yourself the gift of time.

I will say, my family was very angry at my husband and they were ready for me to divorce him. But once he got into treatment and they saw how hard he was working, and now they see all he has accomplished; they are actually very proud of him, and they have a great deal of respect for him. Basically it came down to them being worried about me and my son.

CFDMama

I appreciate everyone's feedback! I'm feeling slightly more upbeat this morning and a little more focused on things I need to start taking care of (for myself). I'm going to attempt to answer questions and reply one at a time.

Silence: Partially, support is financial. She doesn't pay my bills every month by any means, but she has gotten me out of the red a few times and has attempted more than once to get me organized in my finances. Not only has ABF worked over the bank accounts, but I happen to be really bad at money to begin with. She has been trying to assist me with this for years even before he came into my life.

She watches my son because she feels she needs to help me. For the amount of hours each day that I'm commuting and working (12), I'm unable to pick up my son from daycare on time. I am also unable (currently) to afford all of those hours at daycare. She does enjoy spending time with him and misses him when she doesn't see him everyday, but I am sure that she would prefer to do this on a lighter schedule and more on her terms.

I do realize that I have to make changes to myself to get healthy. The calls I intend to make are my responsibility since all of the bills have always been in my name and it is my name alone that needs to be cleared of all debt so that I can get back on my feet and get my credit back in check.

CFDMama

ZOSO: Thank you as well. It's nice to see a fellow MA-hole. And thank you for letting me know about couples that can make it. I do have some faith. As far as the price I'm willing to pay - I'm not sure. I feel that I've paid a pretty big price already. However, I do have some guidelines that I would like met before ABF and I can live together with our son as a family again. A lot of includes the financial - having transparency to the finances (of course he'll need a job first), and his own car - and setting up a real bank account. None of this living with your whole cashed check in your pocket and maybe giving me $100/week to pay bills (one week a month). The other big thing I need is for him to be present when he is home with us. So much time has been spent sleeping or doing things that he felt he needed to do instead of spending quality time with us and enjoying life. I realize I over simplify, but hopefully you get my point.

I do realize that my mother can be very controlling. She's a barker and a hot-headed tiny Italian woman. We hung out last night and things have simmered a bit and I got her to understand where I was coming from a bit. I'm sure she does it just because she cares and doesn't want to see me or my son suffer, but she has a hard time realizing that I'm a grown woman. She has really taken care of me for so long that I'm not sure neither of us know what to do if she's not helping me through life. Both of us need some help in cutting that chord.

CFDMama

allforcnm: Thank you as well. The friends who had relationships with addicts - well, some never got help. Some were in out and out of rehabs. One has even disappeared after being kicked out of the homes of several friends. Everyone's situation has been a bit different, but none of them have ended with the addict getting clean and making things work. I am so grateful for a little positive light in this - and I'm really happy to hear that you and your husband are making it work and especially that your family can be proud of him now.

I'm reading as much as I can, articles, posts of people's experiences, etc. I do realize that addiction is a chronic disease. I am attempting to open my mom's eyes to this so that she might be a little more open minded about my choices. Luckily, I have a brother who is very logical and diplomatic who listens to both of and tries to get us on common ground.

I really appreciate all of the advice and positive thoughts. I have a little smile in me today because of the love and (emotional) support I've been getting from my friends and from all of you. Thank you for helping make my today is a little better than yesterday. I know it's not the end and I'm sure I'll have more sobbing posts to come, but "Just for today" (right now) I'm going to smile and be positive.

pinkdog

If you need help with daycare, the YMCA has a program of reduced rates. It helped me alot. Check it out. Best wishes. If you don't have a YMCA in your area, other daycares may offer this too.

CFDMama

Thanks pinkdog. I actually pay an extremely low rate for daycare compared to what corporate daycares charge. She is extremely reasonable - and I've known her practically my whole life. I will check out the YMCA, though. THANKS!