love4menotu

I'm a long time member, came to this site in 2009 because I was dating an alcoholic. Broke up with ABF, went to Alanon for over a year but never stopped coming to this site. It means a lot to me, always will.

I asked the admins to remove my old user name and not make my posts visible... and you'll understand why after you read this.

In the beginning he was a dream. Wonderful lover and friend.
Two weeks after the wedding it started. He came downstairs in the middle of the night when I was having one of my insomnia episodes and surfing the net to pass the time.. and he started screaming at me - how I didn't love him any more and all I cared about was this site and reading on the internet. I was shocked... stunned at his behavior. I told him to stop yelling at me NOW... and that I would not speak any more to him until he had calmed down.

Needless to say that didn't work.

We tried a "safe" word. Where if I spoke this word he would know that his voice was becoming too loud and that he was scaring me ... use the word and he would stop.

Didn't work. He just got irritated and told me to shut up about it.

I suggested counseling. He said we didn't need it. I was beginning to regret marrying him. I know it showed in my reactions to him.. I felt myself distancing from him since I never knew what would set him off next. I was terrified that he would scream at me in front of my children and then they would dislike him. I could NOT stay married to him if my children were afraid of him too.

Once every other month verbal assaults escalated into once every two weeks. I was planning my escape in the back of my mind. He had to go.

We attempted counseling, but I was already on my way out the door. He was too threatening to my safety, both financially and emotionally.

He began spying on me. Every website I visited, every minute of my day, every debit on the card, every conversation with a friend was questioned. He made my life a living hell. I had no privacy. Couldn't even go to the bathroom in the middle of the night without being asked "where are you going?". He broke into my phone to read my texts and work emails said I was "flirting" with a co-worker... it was one simple text from a male coworker.

I felt more and more suffocated every day. More devalued, less of person, criticized for the slightest infraction (not emptying the dryer lint, not turning the dog gate facing this way not that way, don't leave a candle burning, don't leave the lights on, don't let the cat in the garage...) I was not allowed to have a feeling or an opinion of my own. If I did express a feeling of my own, he shut down and became sullen.. accused me of not being "wifely".

He then insulted me in front of his son. We were passing a dairy farm, his son in the back seat.. and husband says to me... "close your legs, that stinks". I'm completely flabbergasted. Want to jump out of the moving car and get away from his nasty comment. Realize that he hates me.. and it's coming out in big and little ways.

I come home one day from time spent with a girlfriend (who he apparently hates for absolutely NO reason) and it happens.

He screams at me in front of my children.. that I am cheating on him and he has EVIDENCE!!! If it wasn't so horrifying it would have been funny. How his strange mind warps everything and everyone he touches.

That was it for me. Two months later I had to call the police for another verbal assault, but after that he was OUT of my home. For good.

Divorce will be final in a month. He blames me for destroying the marriage... and in my mind it really doesn't matter, he can blame me all he likes. What matters is that my peace and serenity are back and my children and I are safe from harm. Safe from HIM.

Take it from me ladies... I dated an alcoholic, and married a man I thought I was safe with - a man who did not drink or do drugs.

I was wrong. I made a mistake. I have to forgive myself.

Blessings,

Lyn

OnawaMiniya

I'm sorry you went through so much pain, and am happy to hear that you are away from him now. The things you shared that he said were vulgar, disgusting, and no one should be treated that way. It's awesome that you recognized this and got yourself and your children out of the situation. His controlling behavior is insane. Thank goodness you got out. That is a horrible and degrading way to live. You are very strong.

I mean no disrespect, as I definitely understand the devastating effects of verbal and emotional abuse, controlling and manipulative behavior, the total lack of rational and logical thought, the blame game, etc. I have to say that the title of this post...I have to disagree. People are killed from physical abuse, people are disfigured from it. People can't leave the house without being humiliated because they are covered in bruises. People feel embarrassed for wearing sunglasses at night because they have black eyes. And I've never heard of a physical abuser who was not also verbally/emotionally abusive as well as controlling. Physical abuse messes with the mind as well as the body, and often the abused fear what will happen if they dare to leave.

I'm not minimizing abuse in forms other than physical to be sure.

Again I applaud you for getting you and your children away from that situation. The fact that he is blaming you is a pathetic attempt to avoid facing himself.

Wishing you peace!

Carlotta

So sorry you went through that, hugs

lillamy

Hi Lyn & welcome back. I'm glad you're here and boy, that's a frightening story. I'm glad you got out of that, and I hope he will accept the divorce and move on. I hope you are staying safe and have both a restraining order and safety precautions in place. A control freak like that sounds very, very scary.

I hope you're not blaming yourself for choosing another unstable partner Some of the worst psychopaths are some of the most charming attentive men in the beginning.

Verbal and emotional abuse does a number on you because it tends to stay with you after it's over. I know I can still hear AXH's voice demeaning me and ridiculing me - and i hope you have a good counselor you can work with on getting rid of the remnants of this man's oppressive treatment of you. You sound very strong in your post but the title suggests the depth of the hurt he inflicted on you. I'm sorry you had to go through that. It must have been very hard.

LexieCat

Actually, many victims of physical abuse agree that the words are more painful than the hitting. And the words often tear down their self-esteem and will to survive so they cannot escape the physical abuse. The verbal abuse does much to keep them trapped.

Very, very glad you have escaped. Keep your guard up, though. Sometimes this stuff continues well past the breakup/divorce.

Hugs,

love4menotu

Hi lillamy-

Thank you for your kind words. Yes, I am blaming myelf for picking another unstable partner. Therapist is working with me on it... says she believes he has borderline personality disorder, but I suppose we will never know.

I think the hardest thing for me to get through my thick skull is that a person can treat their partner this badly... yet not take any responsibility for doing so. The one and only counseling session we went to he blamed me for everything under the sun. I was so shocked I couldn't even speak during the session. It was a futile attempt at saving the marriage.

So I'm back to lessons I've supposedly already learned. You can't make someone hear you.

Ever.

Lyn

love4menotu

Thank you Lexie-

What I can't get over are the few times he was "in my face" screaming. Especially the satisfied look on his face when he saw my obvious fear. That's when I was done.

My guard is up, locks changed, and the papers are signed. So now it's a mere formality in court and it's over.

love4menotu

OnawaMiniya-

I was held down and screamed at. Followed around the house from room to room, also being screamed at. I was a prisoner in my own home.

I was not hit. I understand your point, thank you.

Lyn

lillamy

Borderliners, Narcissists, Sociopaths and Psychopaths don't have the ability to take responsibility and see their actions in a context of hurting other people. To me, it sort of helped to think of it that way. That it had nothing to do with me -- it was he who was just unable to process compassion. He can fake it very well, but in reality, there's no there there. The only thing that matters is him.

I think working with a therapist to figure yourself out and learn to trust your own judgment again is really important -- that's what I've done as well.

And Onawaminya -- I like to look at it this way: There's no "better" or "worse" when it comes to abuse -- it's just "different." Just like it's not "better" to be raped by your husband than by a total stranger -- it's just different.

pinkdog

Being followed from room to room is a physical threat. Many verbal abusers escalate their behavior to physical abuse over time. I knew a woman recently who went from screaming fits, to throwing and breaking things and then hitting. I could see it escalating. When her words were not getting the desired effect (attention) she began hitting, kicking, scratching and slapping. It was a sad situation that I had to get away from. I'm glad you were able to also. Hugs and Love.

choublak

I strongly believe it would have led to physical abuse.

amy55

I for one was in an extremely verbally abusive and emotionally abusive relationship. He also did physically abuse me, but not that much!!!!! I had gotten to the point that I would rather the physical abuse, because then at least he could see the damage that he did.

And it is true that most relationships do not start out as "just physical", the wear you down, they tear you down, you try to get back up, you try to get stronger, and the stronger you get, the worse they get. And yes, it does or can turn physical.

I was just at the point of no longer caring anymore. I no longer cared about my life.





I'm so glad that you got out, and the divorce is close, and you can close that chapter of your life. It will get better !!!!!!!!!!!

theuncertainty

Hugs, if OK, L4MNU. I can't even think of what to write...

sounds so familiar and brought me right back to that tiny little apartment where everything felt... god... suffocating is a good word.

I'm so sorry that you went through it.

Flicka57

I can so sympathize with what you went through. The verbal assaults on me were awful. . .telling me when I faced breast cancer he hoped I would lose my breast so he could find someone with bigger & better ones. . .having sex with me was like bumping up to something ugly. I too got constantly accused of cheating and having affairs. He would rip out the phone cord so I could not use the phone, then he wire-tapped the phone. You seem very sure it was the alcohol. I know this contributes but I struggle with wondering if I was just married to an abusive, porn addict who also drank? I applaud you because you seem to have come through this better than a lot and I'm sure your life will only get better. I feel my life slipping away due to those hurtful words & actions that linger around on me.

wicked

Just this small amount that you shared Flicka, is so sad.
How dare he speak to you that way when you are in a fight for your life!

Please do not give up. You have a life, do you have any support?
AlAnon? Cancer support? Grief support?
You have been through a terrible struggle and you are still here.

The words of an abusive, controlling alcoholic porn addict are nothing,
they mean nothing. He is nothing to you.
You get to define yourself.
He has no right in this life to define who you are.

Are you away from him?

MsPINKAcres

for me abuse is abuse - physical or emotional ~

like lillamy said one is not better - it's just different ~ both leave deep emotional scars that take a lot of time to heal ~

Be good to you and please know - this has NOTHING to do with you, abuse is never our fault ~

Keep protecting yourself and your children!

gentle pink hugs!

love4menotu

I wanted to write an tell you all "thank you" so much for your support.

I came back from a therapy visit today and learned a few things, maybe it will help you Flicka.

1. We may never know why my stbxh unraveled. But, she said that every thing I did was perceived as an attack.. even something as simple as me buying the wrong type of detergent. So when one feels attacked, they go on attack.

2. He always "ordered" me and the kids to do things... we were not asked. Several times I mentioned to him to please ASK the children if he wanted them to clean the litter box. You don't need to say "Go clean the litter box!". You say, "Could you please clean the litter box today? No more excuses young man! " From what the therapist said today.. telling someone to do something leaves less chance that they will NOT do what you say. Whereas asking someone to do something leaves the door open that they will not to as they are told. Like they have no choice in the matter. That has to do with control, not feeling as if you have any personally so you need to do so with others.

3. That there was nothing I could do. That he is probably un treatable unless he admitted that his behaviors to me were wrong. He is nowhere near that. He still blames everyone for his problems except himself. My codie traits made me think I could help him and that issue we are going to address in therapy.

4. That people like him (borderlines, abandonment issues, narcissism, general personality disorders) know how to put on the charm. They appear loving and open in the beginning, but that is not who they are deep down. It is a trick to get you to drop your defenses and let them into your life. They may not even be aware they are doing this. But they feel compelled to do it because they are so needy.

5. That I did right for myself. That I went into this marriage hopeful, loving and with dreams of the future. She told me I have to forgive myself, and to give myself permission to lead an amazing and happy life. And that I will lead a life like that. And that I am brave.

Bless you all... better days are ahead.

love4menotu

Flicka - My stbxh was not an alcoholic. He had no issues with addictions. No, I think your partner would be the same with or without the alcohol. An abuser is an abuser, it has to do with control.

Good god I hope you are away from that man or can plan your escape. I know there are better things waiting for us on the other side of this.

I KNOW IT!!

lillamy

Yes.
And:
Yes.