Struggling and scared
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,711
Struggling and scared
Let me apologize in advance for this negative vibe I am exuding right now. But I need some help. I called my sponser and she hasn't gotten back to me yet. I just got home from an AA meeting and talked with some friends there but I am feeling so awful. I have this immense pain inside and I am fantasizing about drinking like NEVER before in my sobriety. On the way home I passed some bars (they are on the way to my house) and thought "I could just go in there and end this pain". In a way I KNEW I wouldn't but I am terrified at these raw emotions I am feeling. I then thought that perhaps I could cut myself just a bit to relieve some pain. I haven't done that since I was a teenager, over 15 years ago. I am not going to hurt myself or drink but I don't know when things will get better for me. I started to have a glimmer of hope I was pulling out of my funk but now I feel like I am back sliding 
I am full of fear and without faith right now. I am starting therapy tomorrow and need it more than ever. Thankfully, it's a morning appointment. I was told the first year of sobriety would be difficult. I knew I had stuff to work out and pain to get out but I didn't think there was SO MUCH. Thanks for listening...has anyone had these severe downs within their first year? I guess I just want to hear this is normal...
I am full of fear and without faith right now. I am starting therapy tomorrow and need it more than ever. Thankfully, it's a morning appointment. I was told the first year of sobriety would be difficult. I knew I had stuff to work out and pain to get out but I didn't think there was SO MUCH. Thanks for listening...has anyone had these severe downs within their first year? I guess I just want to hear this is normal...
We Do Recover
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,619
The first year had plenty of ups/downs for me. It takes awhile for our bodies to heal. It is good that you are meeting with a Dr. tomorrow. Maybe he can help or offer suggestions. It does sound normal ( what you are feeling) right now.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: North East, US
Posts: 2,310
Hey quit hang in until morning I'm glad you have an early DRs appointment. Try and remember your human and emotions good and bad come and go ride them just like a wave. The fact that you came here and vented about you fears of those dangerous desires shows how much work you've already done! Your not going to drink or cut! But feelings that previously drove you to are arising! Now that you have a stronger sober foundation you can say No. You can do this! stay clise to SR! Perhaps the dr tomorrow can help you work through this. Please update after dr
Be well
Be well
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,711
I want to cry good tears because you guys are so supportive and it means more than you know! So true imperfectly...thank you for pointing out that I am doing things differently than I used to. Thinking about self destructing behaviors and acting on them are very different. I want to be sober more than I want to drink. I want my recovery more than anything.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Prairie Village, KS
Posts: 264
You are doing all the right things like calling your sponsor, talking to other alcoholics and posting on SR. Seeing a doctor tomorrow is really a good thing. There are definitely going to be ups and downs. It is referred to in the rooms as"living life on life's terms." We are all here for you.
Grateful
Join Date: May 2013
Location: NC
Posts: 1,763
Hang in there quit, hopefully your therapist will be able to help tomorrow. We all go through rocky times, this is the time to hang on to all of the support you have to weather the storm.
Said a prayer for you!
Said a prayer for you!
Re-Tread
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Meditation
Posts: 1,300
Hello Quit. Sorry to hear you are struggling.
Unfortunately I can relate to a lot of what you said. I don't know the answers but my thoughts are with you.
I have reached a similar place a few times so far. Its tough when I know alcohol will not solve the problem but there does not seem to be another solution. Sometimes faith seems to help sometimes not.
So it seems to be normal to me. The despair feelings pass but it is an uneasy feeling expecting that they will be back one way or another. Hopefully therapy will help.
Unfortunately I can relate to a lot of what you said. I don't know the answers but my thoughts are with you.
I have reached a similar place a few times so far. Its tough when I know alcohol will not solve the problem but there does not seem to be another solution. Sometimes faith seems to help sometimes not.
So it seems to be normal to me. The despair feelings pass but it is an uneasy feeling expecting that they will be back one way or another. Hopefully therapy will help.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 1,920
Be strong and know that you will not be down all the time. Drinking never made me feel better, I always ended up feeling worse than before. I self medicated with alcohol and it only made my life a mess. Stay close and stay strong.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Center of Mass
Posts: 622
Drinking never ends the pain ... it just perpetuates it. I've been working to try to understand and control the root cause of why I'm so broken. It's hard work but anything that's worth doing often involves hard work. Alcohol seems like an easy answer but there really aren't any easy answers (or free lunches
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 987
Hi Quit, echoing what Ricky said and sending you strength and good wishes. I always look for your posts because I appreciate your honesty, with yourself and others. You are also so supportive of the rest of us. Know you'll make it through this and be back stronger than ever.
Please let us know how it goes tomorrow.
((Huge hug to you tonight))
Please let us know how it goes tomorrow.
((Huge hug to you tonight))
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: NC
Posts: 87
Wahoo...You are so awesome and brave to just feel what you are feeling. Every time you hold out you are becoming stronger. Rewiring your brain and exercising your willpower....It's the struggle that makes us stronger.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,711
Thank you to EVERYONE for helping me through this. I went to therapy and I do feel better. I cried a lot but I needed to. And we talked about why I am feeling this way...she really broke things down for me. There is some "stuff" I have to look at or work on but if I stay sober and put in the effort, I will grow. Guess I am kinda growing now. I am so exhausted. Anyone that has ever been in therapy and has had a good session will know what I mean lol So grateful I reached out and didn't go back to my old ways or behaviors. Just for today...
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