The Peace Maker

Old 07-28-2013, 12:59 PM
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The Peace Maker

AH is emotionally abusive and flys into rages over the least little thing. Literally, there are times I am just sitting there minding my own business, and he will fly into a rage and I have no idea what the problem is. This is while he is supposedly sober, at least I think he is. So, to say the least he is a dry drunk.
I am beginning to think he might have some sort of psychological disorder at this point.

I am the peace maker in the relationship. In the past, I have even appologized to "him" even if I don't feel they are my fault all for the sake of some peace until he once again decides that he is mad and it is all my fault. (I realize this is codependent and no longer do this) Honestly, I've found that it doesn't matter because he rages anyway. He was raging again today, and it just occurred to me that SOME PEOPLE DON'T WANT PEACE. Wow, how could I not see that before. I think this has been holding me back. I think I am afraid of his reaction if I leave. God, please give me courage.
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Old 07-28-2013, 03:30 PM
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I understand the fear of leaving someone who is prone to raging. The advice I got was to plan carefully and have an escape package somewhere safe - with a trusted friend or at work. Any battered women's shelter can give you advice on what that emergency it should contain.

Just be aware that the shift in your behavior when you start planning may set him off even more, even if you don't think you're changing. That's what I saw happening - I had to leave much earlier than planned and with much less preparation.
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Old 07-28-2013, 03:48 PM
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Wow, how could I not see that before. I think this has been holding me back. I think I am afraid of his reaction if I leave. God, please give me courage.
I am thinking of you, onceuponatime2.
Be careful and call some experts about leaving a rage-a-holic.

Beth
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Old 07-28-2013, 03:58 PM
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As has been mentioned the point of leaving is the most vulnerable time for the departing member. It is essential that you arm your self with a safety plan. Talk to a worker at the local domestic violence center---do it from a safe place. Also, read-up on one of the many good domestic violence web sites---make sure that you do it from a safe computer.

Just because he hasn't been physically violent, thus far (if he hasn't), does not mean that he won't.

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Old 07-28-2013, 04:36 PM
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Thank you everyone. Yea, he hasn't hit me, but his intimidation tactics do scare me. He does get worse in the way he treats me when I do things to help myself such as going to alanon or church activities.
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Old 07-28-2013, 05:29 PM
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Originally Posted by onceuponatime2 View Post
AH is emotionally abusive and flys into rages over the least little thing. Literally, there are times I am just sitting there minding my own business, and he will fly into a rage and I have no idea what the problem is. This is while he is supposedly sober, at least I think he is. So, to say the least he is a dry drunk.
I am beginning to think he might have some sort of psychological disorder at this point.

I am the peace maker in the relationship. In the past, I have even appologized to "him" even if I don't feel they are my fault all for the sake of some peace until he once again decides that he is mad and it is all my fault. (I realize this is codependent and no longer do this) Honestly, I've found that it doesn't matter because he rages anyway. He was raging again today, and it just occurred to me that SOME PEOPLE DON'T WANT PEACE. Wow, how could I not see that before. I think this has been holding me back. I think I am afraid of his reaction if I leave. God, please give me courage.
((((((((((Hugs))))))))))

I understand that. I have been praying for strength a lot lately. I will pray for your courage, strength, and safety.

Others on here have warned you about leaving a rager. You say he has never hit you. Has he done other violent things? Shoving, pushing, poking with finger as he yells, throwing things, punching things, etc? Please quietly build a support system for yourself, and if you do leave, try to see to it that he does not know where you are.

Statistically, a woman in an abusive relationship is in the most danger when she leaves/tries to leave. Several years ago I was reading an online newspaper from the area I grew up in. To my horror, a woman that lived down the street from me was brutally beaten to death by her husband after they parted ways. I had even been over their house. I remember him being in the background, quiet but with a menacing and dark presence. I do not know if he was an alcoholic but it could definitely fit. But the point is about the dangers of leaving... I'm not trying to freak you out, just hoping you do your research and are prepared. It only takes one time.

Wishing you what you need, when you need it. Stay strong, quietly get your plans in order, do your research, and if you suspect he may become violent if you threaten to leave, don't threaten it. Don't let him know. Don't go anywhere he will find you.

Peace.
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Old 07-28-2013, 05:29 PM
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Originally Posted by onceuponatime2 View Post
Thank you everyone. Yea, he hasn't hit me, but his intimidation tactics do scare me. He does get worse in the way he treats me when I do things to help myself such as going to alanon or church activities.
He is a control freak then. Does he try to isolate you from family and friends?
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Old 07-28-2013, 05:36 PM
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Originally Posted by lillamy View Post

Just be aware that the shift in your behavior when you start planning may set him off even more, even if you don't think you're changing. That's what I saw happening - I had to leave much earlier than planned and with much less preparation.
Lillamy makes an important, important point. Raging control freaks KNOW when something is different. They are in tune with any changes in your personality because that's how they control you - by reading you and taking their control freak steps to nip that in the bud before they lose that control over you.

Don't let him see it in you. It's hard to act as usual if you are planning to leave, but it's important if you are fearful of his reaction.
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Old 07-28-2013, 05:52 PM
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My AexBF was (is?) a rager. I learned all about detachment during these times. I remember one time his mom called on the phone and she asked me, "What is he doing right now?" and I answered, "Having another fight with himself." And she understood. She'd seen it herself. I realized that he was just angry all the time. When I described to him that it feels ugly to be in a house with someone like that, he wondered why I'd take it personally. I didn't really, other than it was MY space, MY peace, and I needed to protect it. So, I asked him to leave, changed the locks (again), and now it's peaceful. ahhhhhhh. It was my fault for letting him come back to try again. I understand that and I own it. And now I'm moving up and on! Other people were worried about him escalating abuse upon leaving, but there haven't been any episodes except for his drunk texting or drunk dialing.
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Old 07-28-2013, 06:28 PM
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"Has he done other violent things? Shoving, pushing, poking with finger as he yells, throwing things, punching things, etc?"

He has thrown things a few times when mad and a couple times at me. He has destroyed doors and other items in a fit of anger.


Does he try to isolate you from family and friends?

Sometimes, he does get mad when I talk to others sometimes because he thinks I will be talking about him.


He doesn't take responsibility for his behavior and believes he isn't doing anything wrong when his behavior is pointed out to him. He turns things around and accuses me of knowing that would upset him, and that I am just intentionally pushing his buttons according to him. Trying to have a productive conversation with him that resolves conflict and moves problems forward with him is impossible. He is definitely angry often.

Thanks everyone for the prayers and well wishes.
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Old 07-28-2013, 08:50 PM
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Originally Posted by onceuponatime2 View Post
AH is emotionally abusive and flys into rages over the least little thing. Literally, there are times I am just sitting there minding my own business, and he will fly into a rage and I have no idea what the problem is. This is while he is supposedly sober, at least I think he is. So, to say the least he is a dry drunk.
I am beginning to think he might have some sort of psychological disorder at this point.

I am the peace maker in the relationship. In the past, I have even appologized to "him" even if I don't feel they are my fault all for the sake of some peace until he once again decides that he is mad and it is all my fault. (I realize this is codependent and no longer do this) Honestly, I've found that it doesn't matter because he rages anyway. He was raging again today, and it just occurred to me that SOME PEOPLE DON'T WANT PEACE. Wow, how could I not see that before. I think this has been holding me back. I think I am afraid of his reaction if I leave. God, please give me courage.

I also did read your other post also, and yes, your H does have a tendency to violence.

My ex was a rager, or he would give me the silent treatment. Silent treatments lasted a really long time.

I gained a lot of information from him when he was raging. Yes, one of them was that he just wanted to fight. Probably if I wasn't around, he would have fought with himself, probably did.

I asked him why he got mad at me, if I was upset. Response was, I don't like for anyone to be upset with me.

A therapist had told him that was just pure manipulation.

I once tried to explain to him that if I was upset about something, I just really needed for him to listen to me, and that I can understand that we can agree to disagree, he had asked then, "well what is the fun in that, we wouldn't be fighting". I was just shocked and said, yes, we wouldn't be fighting, so what's wrong with that?

Some people do just like to fight, is this what you want to do? I didn't.

Oh, and all the responses about watching for your safety when you leave, is right on.

Mine didn't stalk me, or harass me when I left, he was afraid of the law, but you never know.

When you do leave, make sure that you are safe and he does not know where you are, even if you need to go to a DV shelter. I don't know your AH, so I can't predict what he will do, and even if you think you know your AH, you can't really predict it either.

Be careful, be safe

(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
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Old 07-28-2013, 09:32 PM
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Have a plan. Make copies of any important documents, including insurance or mortgage paperwork, car info, bank info, etc. Get a safe deposit box at a bank and keep it there. If you don't have it already, open a credit card in your name only. Put it in the safe deposit box, along with any extra cash you can gather. Passport in sd box. You can use the address of a trusted friend when opening an account, so things don't come to your house in the mail. Have an extra house key. Talk to someone from a local DV shelter or hotline, they will have the expertise to help you. Be ready to get a restraining order as soon as you're out.

Praying for you. The only way through this is through it. But you can do it. You have a world of people out here who care about you.
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Old 07-29-2013, 12:15 PM
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Can you call a shelter just for advice without staying there? I don't have any family here other than my kids when we got married we moved to where his family lives. My family lives in another state. I do have three kids; two of them are adult age now. I would move back to where the rest of my family is which would help, but my daughter and my granddaughter don't live with us anymore and I wouldn't want to move away. My sons would live with me if I left and my oldest has been encouraging me to leave.
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Old 07-29-2013, 12:28 PM
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Originally Posted by onceuponatime2 View Post
Can you call a shelter just for advice without staying there? I don't have any family here other than my kids when we got married we moved to where his family lives. My family lives in another state. I do have three kids; two of them are adult age now. I would move back to where the rest of my family is which would help, but my daughter and my granddaughter don't live with us anymore and I wouldn't want to move away. My sons would live with me if I left and my oldest has been encouraging me to leave.
You can call the DV line at any time to just talk to them. They will listen to you and give you whatever advice that you might need, or you can just talk and have a shoulder to cry on, whatever you need !!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Old 07-29-2013, 02:08 PM
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Originally Posted by OnawaMiniya View Post
Lillamy makes an important, important point. Raging control freaks KNOW when something is different. They are in tune with any changes in your personality because that's how they control you - by reading you and taking their control freak steps to nip that in the bud before they lose that control over you.

Don't let him see it in you. It's hard to act as usual if you are planning to leave, but it's important if you are fearful of his reaction.
Having a lightbulb moment

I didnt see my ah as controlling at all, but reading this post I am beginning to see that he is in a very subtle manipulative way. thank you for posting this, over the last few days he has KNOWN and has begun behaving even weirder.

I wish OP safety, and send hugs, support and understanding
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Old 07-29-2013, 06:27 PM
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Thank you, I didn't know they would give that type of support. I think I will call them. Thanks again everyone for the support.
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Old 07-29-2013, 06:33 PM
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Also please know, you do not have to give your name or address. You can just talk. You call the national line, and if needed they will give you the local dv shelter line.

I did do this, and I didn't have to wait for any of the phone calls to go thru, they answered immediately. They really are there to help you with whatever you need.

You will feel alot better after that first phone call. Just getting over the fright of making that phone call and to hear that other comforting voice on the other end of the phone.
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