Rosiepetal

XH has returned to live in my hometown after living abroad for 2 and half years.
It has been the school holidays here & he wanted to have them in holidays & I was working & he'd just got back so I agreed.
When I went to pick kids up he said he wanted to have them 2 nights in the week, now this is not in school holidays. He said he didn't want to be a weekend Dad anymore which took me by surprise.Previous to this he has only had them every 2nd weekend when he was living here & I have a legal parenting agreement which states this arrangement.
I feel I want the kids to settle back into a school routine & we have sports most nights. We have made a routine for ourselves.
I spoke to both kids separately & discussed the extra time with Dad & we all agreed & were happy with them just going this weekend.
I txt & advised they were happy to remain with me for the week but they would like to come for the weekend.
I received a lengthy txt saying the kids want to spend more time with him, he did not come home to be a weekend Dad only & wants Thur to Mon morning at least!
I fear a court case looming for shared custody & although I don't believe he would get it I am scared.
Help.

LexieCat

Don't be scared. You have an order in place. The burden is on him to go to court and seek a change in it if you and the kids don't agree with what he wants. I don't know how old your kids are, but at a certain age the court will listen to, and take into consideration, their wishes. You should also consider, though, that if the alternate weekends are, so far, working out OK, the court might give him more parenting time on school holidays, etc.

If I were you, I'd just stick with the order and respond to whatever legal action he files. That will take time, and hopefully the kids will be settled into their routines by then. Just one other thing--you said "we" have sports most nights. The KIDS have sports most nights (unless you are the coach or are otherwise directly involved). I don't know that that is a reason for him not to have them on a school night. You haven't mentioned any concerns for their safety with him, just concerns about their schedule. Is there a reason he can't take them to their sports activities?

Tuffgirl

What's the fear about? Is he untrustworthy with the kids? Or is it the idea of them spending more time with him? If you can identify what exactly it is you are not comfortable with, it makes it easier to work through.

LoveMeNow

As a kid from a divorce home, I wanted to spend more time with my Dad but didn't want to hurt my mother. I told each parent what i thought they wanted to hear. I truly believe it was the start of my codependent thinking. Just wanted to share my ES&H.

LoveMeNow

Also, I wanted to add - my mother tried to encourage me to spend time with my father too. But I assumed she would feel hurt so i felt bad and guilty....when I would go with him. Eventually, I just stopped going and blamed him for it. Then I started smoking pot and drinking to escape it all. Fortunately for me, it was only a phase and didn't became a substance abuse problem but the codependency has been a battle.

Carlotta

It looks like the kids are telling each parent what s/he wants to hear and I can relate to that. Growing up in an alcoholic dysfunctional household with feuding parents (they never divorced though) I always felt I was pulled into taking sides.
I loved both parents (I got along better with dad though) so I learned to be a people pleaser and would tell dad what I felt would please him then went behind his back and told mom what I felt would please her (and vice versa).

It was exhausting and I lived in fear of getting caught in my duplicitous game but on another hand, it is not like I had much choice: it was either playing the game started by the adults or ending up pissing one of them off royally and feeling the consequences whether it be sharp remarks, the silence treatment or other payback (such as so you want to do such and such...why don't you ask YOUR father).

Chances are the kids love both of you and feel the animosity and resentment the two of you have for each other so they are playing that little game and that's not the worst, the worst would be having both you and your X sit down with them and ask them what they want to do: then it would be panic central since there would be no escaping direct confrontation. Shoot I am flashing back now and feeling panicky LOL. I went through way to much anxiety as a child, no wonder I ended up in recovery.

Rosiepetal

I hear what you are all saying & I do not want my kids caught in the middle of what Mum or Dad want.
I want the kids to be able to choose what they want & I am open to discussion.
A bit of background as to why the father of my children went to live abroad:
He was sitting around, no work, growing, smoking & selling pot for a living & doing meth.
Yes my kids were in some unsafe spaces & yes I feared for their safety several times.
I tried to talk to him about it but it was all denied. I could not prove it.
I took it into my own hands & called a private dob in line but a trusted person I confided in told his partner & as a result he fled to another country.
Now he blames me for that.
I did not buy his ticket abroad, he could have shut down his drug station & carried on with life but he decided to run.
We have spent 21/2 years on our own. My kids are 12 & 9. My daughter is head girl of her school this year. They are actively involved in a lot of sport.
We have a very tight schedule so that we can incorporate school work into routine. My eldest daughter has a big workload as she is very academic & working 3 years ahead of herself. We are in tune with each other. My youngest is a competitive gymnast & at the beginning of each year I have to sign a form to say I am taking on the commitment of being a competitive parent. When this first started I contacted the kids Dad & asked for a meeting to discuss her extra sporting & her growing needs. He didn't want to know.
So why now, why after all these years does he feel he has the right to come & disrupt our schedule & put pressure on my kids to spend more time with him when we are quite happy as we are & kids are happy to go every 2nd weekend?
Oh & as the for the school holidays, he had it built into our agreement that he have them for half of every holiday, to date he has never stuck to his end of the deal & I've made other arrangements.
He has been abusive to me in the past over child arrangements to the point I have had to go to the police & get them to ask him to stop abusing me.
I have also applied to the court for mediation when our agreement wasn't being stuck to.
I don't want kids to be dragged through this I really don't. I think what is fair is every second which is what it always was & was thinking about a midweek day also so kids have contact every week.

Tuffgirl

Well, that certainly changes things. Thanks for the clarification.

So, all I can say is wait and see. More to be revealed as to what his intentions are. Keep the lines of communication wide open with your kids. Encourage them to spend as much time with him as they feel comfortable doing and fits into their schedules. See if he pushes his luck.

And I do believe he is lucky you are already being generous, given he bailed already on them.

Try to focus on today and not future trip. I know its hard, but its worth it if you can do it.
Peace,
~T

LoveMeNow

That certainly does change things. Is your ex clean from meth because I wouldn't allow a meth addict to visit with my dog....not even for an hour, much less my kids every 2nd weekend.

LexieCat

I would just let this play out in court, if he is organized enough to pursue it. He may prefer to keep it OUT of court, just to keep his checkered past private. For right now, just stick with the terms of the order, and be sure your kids know they should let you know if they have any concerns about the situation at Dad's house. Don't pump them for info or turn them into spies, but you might want to have some general, non-specific conversations about bringing any uncomfortable situations to the attention of you or another trusted adult.

Rosiepetal

An update
XH has changed this again & now wants to have joint custody with the children living with him for one week & me for one week.
I am not happy with this arrangement.
I feel this will be disruptive for the children when we are currently in a good routine.
I spoke with the children last night & yes they'd like more time with their Dad & I'm sure we could work it so he gets more time with little disruption.
That was before I knew he was planning week about.
Now I'm confused & the children are confused.
To be honest I think the kids are caught in the middle & they are actually happy to stay out of it & let the decision be between us, don't blame them.
I have sought brief legal advice & spoken to my dear friend who has gone through the court system & this is the plan.
I write a letter to the XH saying I would like the current parenting agreement to be reactivated now he is back in our country.
I will provide a date & time for this to start & I have to carefully work it as I have an out of town gym comp which I need to attend with children in 2 weeks. The lawyer thought this letter was a great idea.
The agreement has every 2nd weekend access for their father with changeover in a public place (for my safety) & the opportunity for him to have them more on agreement between us.
I really want get back to routine & stability for the kids & I think this is the best way to do it until such time as the agreement is challenged. At least everyone will know what they are doing for now.
I am really just hanging in here at the moment, its emotional & not a nice space to be & I know XH is going to get abusive but I am trying to be strong.
Hugs & encouragement welcome.

LexieCat

****{hugs}}} and encouragement.

My one suggestion is to have the lawyer send the letter, not you. When I had a lawyer representing me in my dealings with property I owned with my last ex, I drafted the letters but it was signed and mailed by the lawyer. Yours could read something like, "Dear Mr. Petal:

Attached please find a copy of the parenting agreement in the above matter, which was signed by you and by Ms. Petal on ______, and filed with the court on _______. While Ms. Petal has consented to your spending additional parenting time with the children during the summer school break, the attached agreement remains in effect and will be resumed on ______, 2013.

Any questions or concerns should be addressed to this office, not Ms. Petal."

This isn't legal advice, it's just pretty much what I did. Of course, you might have to pay legal fees if the lawyer actually does work on your behalf. What I liked about having the lawyer in between me and the ex was that I didn't get the complaints directly--the lawyer did. It cost me some money, but if you can afford it, it might save you some aggravation.

wicked

A Wow, this tells me he has no idea what the children need or want,
(stability) and it is about what he wants.

Yes, this sounds like a good idea. Keep what you have going, no need to change.
You are doing a great job of staying calm and doing what has to be done.

Big hugs from me rosiepetal.
I swear the meth thing has me concerned too.
and if any abuse starts, you already know what to do, because you have
already done it!
call the police if he ever gets abusive.

You are strong, and you have your kids as your priority.

Hugs and strength to you rosiepetal.

Beth

Rosiepetal

Thank you for your replies.
I can't get into see my own lawyer until next Thursday but spoke to another lawyer in her firm & he agreed that what I had proposed to do with the letter was perfect.
I now have that letter typed & want to hand deliver it to the letterbox as it is 2 minutes drive from here & then he can't say he didn't get in the post but I am too frightened to do it. Shaking at the thought of it.
I don't want to spend any more than I have to on lawyers fees & this is really just to kick start our agreement.
If he wants to take further action then he will need to start it.
My father has offered to help me financially with lawyers costs when time comes.
Thanks Sr family.

wicked

yes, certainly let him pay for any action he wants to take.
and, what a relief to have your father to help if you need it.
wow, that is good stuff.
Keep doing the next right thing, just like you are doing.

If you are shaking about taking the letter down there,
Can you take it to the post office and mail it with a return receipt?
He cannot deny that, and it keeps you away from him.
When I had to send something, I made a copy, took it to the post office,
got the return receipt and made a copy with the return receipt on there.
That way, you have your proof of what you sent.
I hope this makes sense. LOL

Beth

I am pulling for you rosiepetal.

Rosiepetal

Update
XH has received the letter & said he would see me in court.
I guess this is the beginning of a lengthy process.
I am focusing on just going with what is at the moment & will concentrate on getting the kids through as smoothly as possible.
It will now be up to the authorities & legal docs to come.
It's a waiting game now, have to be patient.

LexieCat

OK, at this point I suggest you follow the order to the LETTER. It will keep things cleaner and you won't be setting further precedent that may cause you problems down the road.

Rosiepetal

Yes I agree.
There is a clause however that suggests their father can have access at other times providing he contacts me & gives reasonable notice.
I don't have a problem with that at all. He has never wanted it in the past but if he wants to act on that then so be it.
I am reactivating agreement as of 9th Aug.
The kids may have a period of not seeing him until then but at least once they do then the regular pattern of contact will fall back into routine & produce stability because we will all know what we're doing & when.
Maybe I should look at this as a positive.
I have spent years with his disruptive behaviour & schedules so at least this legal action may finish it once & for all.

wicked

Yes, this is good .
I am thinking of you.

Keeping your side of the street clean, and taking care of yourself and children.
Sounds like a good plan.

Beth

Rosiepetal

XH rung the house lastnight & asked the girls for their sports times on Sat.
When my eldest girl talked to her father I could tell he was giving her a drilling of what she needs to do & say in court etc.
I did not ask what conversation had taken place but we started an open discussion & she asked me if she had to say what she wants.
Poor girl is really right in the middle.
I reassured her & said is very ok to not know what she wants & she is entitled to say that to anyone who asks.
I think she got some relief from my answer.
I also reassured her & told her the court would not make her choose between her Mum & Dad either.
I also said it may never get to court & that we may be able to sort it out through mediation.
I am committed to staying neutral through all of this.
I will not influence her in any way or tell her what to say or do.
That is wrong & her father should not be putting her in that position.
I know she is afraid of going against him & likes to keep the peace.
I advised her that if he was putting pressure on her & trying to tell her what to say then all she has to do is listen & agree if she wants to to keep the peace & then just try to disregard it & leave it up to the authorities.
She seemed happier knowing this.