Alcoholic Brother Please Help!
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Join Date: Jul 2013
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Alcoholic Brother Please Help!
Hello, I am not an alcoholic, but my brother who is now 20 is. He started drinking when he was 14. At 16 he got a DUI and crashed his friends car into another woman's car totaling both cars. This happened at 5PM, not even at night. My father had to higher a lawyer for him, pay for two new cars for my brother's friend and the woman he hit. Luckily, the woman did not sue. She could have ruined our family. My brother showed no remorse after the accident. My brother was working a job where he paid over $13,000 a year, which I say is pretty good for a high school student. He has not paid my father back 1 cent. My brother didn't even pay his court fees so my dad had to pay $3,000 up front. He barely graduated high school. My parents had to talk to the administrators to let him walk. It's not even that he isn't smart. His IQ is slightly above average. After graduation my dad paid for his community college. My brother stopped going to his classes saying that he "was above community college" My dad told him that if he wanted to transfer he would have to prove himself at community college. The next semester, my brother yet again stopped going to classes. He would not help around the house, just lay around all day then go out with his friends sometimes not coming home for three days and not letting anyone where he was. He has stolen my parents credit cards and withdrawn over $500 from my parents account and $300 my dad had been saving in coins for us for Christmas. My brother blamed my sister and I and said we stole it. He has crashed my mom's car and said that someone hit him in a parking lot. He has crashed his own car twice now. Most recently he totaled his car and received a DUI. He told my parents it was for reckless driving, I checked on iCHAT (I am student teaching so I have had to give background checks) and it showed a DUI and a warrant for his arrest. When my parents got the letter he STILL lied even when the letter for the DUI charges were right there.
He has drank ALL of our alcohol in the house. Our bar in the basement has been completely cleared out. When I say cleared out I mean over 20 fifths my parents have collected from visiting Europe before we were born. He even drank a fifth that was very sentimental to my dad (his mom gave it to him as a gift before she died). My sister got an autographed wine bottle from one of her favorite celebrity wine makers and she came home to find it missing. When asked, he blamed my sister and I on the missing fifths of alcohol and beer. They have found bottles of fifths just laying in plain sight in his car (not even in the truck, but just laying in the back seat) along with mouth wash.
The worst is he continues to lie and blame my sisters on what he is doing. He says that we have parties and drink all the alcohol all the time. My sister and I are over 21 so if we want to drink we go out to the bar. We don't need to steal our parents. I had to receive numerous calls from my parents demanding us to come clean. He has even gone so far to lie to my dad and tell him that I was a drug addict and was constantly smoking pot every day. Flat out lies. I am a teacher. If I do drink, I drink a glass of wine once in a while when my girlfriends are all in town together. Anyone who knows a teacher's workload would no we don't have time for that. My dad went to my sister and asked if I was and she couldn't believe that he would say that. When my sister confronted him lying he said that he did it because he said that "well dad thinks she's s some princess"
And the way he talks to us is even worse, he threatens to kill my sister and I, tells us he will punch us, push us into walls, and calls us names (B****, C***) He will end up screaming. It scares me. He will scream at my parents too and say even nastier things. My parents don't expect much from him (bring his clothes to the laundry room, clean his room) He doesn't have a job, doesn't go to school. He isn't expected much and my dad says we have to be careful because my brother is "fragile" He was kicked out...for only two days. My dad says he is scared he will do something rash if we kick him out.
Most recently he got into a fight with my dad and punched a hole in our wall. He went to my grandparents and told them my dad beat him, leaving out his part and about his alcoholism. My parents told my grandparents about it and my brother was told he could not stay there. He came to pick up some clothes and I let him in and he started screaming at me to get out of his way.
My sister still lives at home and says that it's hell living there. Everything, every argument is about my brother. She says my parents are constantly worrying, fighting, and dealing with my brother. We are both at the point that we want nothing to do with him. As of right now he is kicked out, but I fear it is only a matter of time before my parents cave in again because they are scared he may do something rash. I am supposed to be moving home after my student teaching is over, but I honestly don't know if I can handle living there or dealing with him.
My parents have paid for outpatient treatment for him and he has supposedly gone to AA meetings. He told us he was 41 days clean, yet when he went up north with my dad, my dad phone 6 beers in his duffle bag from when we were up north last time.
I don't believe anything he says anymore and he honestly scares me. He is very manipulative and angry. He always ends up playing the victim afterwards. Once he told us all that he was contimplating suicide after we found more bottles, then 10 minutes later he was laughing on the phone with his friend and then went to the park. Sober or not he is not the same brother I knew as a child. I don't know what to do. He is destroying my family, my parents marriage, and my dad cries all the time (he has never been one to cry, only at his parents' funerals). I am scared that my parents will continue to enable him and this hell will keep going.
It may seem harsh, but I am at the point I that I don't even want a relationship with him. I have told him that if he goes to a long term facility, I will support him, but I cannot have him in my life this way.
Please help.
He has drank ALL of our alcohol in the house. Our bar in the basement has been completely cleared out. When I say cleared out I mean over 20 fifths my parents have collected from visiting Europe before we were born. He even drank a fifth that was very sentimental to my dad (his mom gave it to him as a gift before she died). My sister got an autographed wine bottle from one of her favorite celebrity wine makers and she came home to find it missing. When asked, he blamed my sister and I on the missing fifths of alcohol and beer. They have found bottles of fifths just laying in plain sight in his car (not even in the truck, but just laying in the back seat) along with mouth wash.
The worst is he continues to lie and blame my sisters on what he is doing. He says that we have parties and drink all the alcohol all the time. My sister and I are over 21 so if we want to drink we go out to the bar. We don't need to steal our parents. I had to receive numerous calls from my parents demanding us to come clean. He has even gone so far to lie to my dad and tell him that I was a drug addict and was constantly smoking pot every day. Flat out lies. I am a teacher. If I do drink, I drink a glass of wine once in a while when my girlfriends are all in town together. Anyone who knows a teacher's workload would no we don't have time for that. My dad went to my sister and asked if I was and she couldn't believe that he would say that. When my sister confronted him lying he said that he did it because he said that "well dad thinks she's s some princess"
And the way he talks to us is even worse, he threatens to kill my sister and I, tells us he will punch us, push us into walls, and calls us names (B****, C***) He will end up screaming. It scares me. He will scream at my parents too and say even nastier things. My parents don't expect much from him (bring his clothes to the laundry room, clean his room) He doesn't have a job, doesn't go to school. He isn't expected much and my dad says we have to be careful because my brother is "fragile" He was kicked out...for only two days. My dad says he is scared he will do something rash if we kick him out.
Most recently he got into a fight with my dad and punched a hole in our wall. He went to my grandparents and told them my dad beat him, leaving out his part and about his alcoholism. My parents told my grandparents about it and my brother was told he could not stay there. He came to pick up some clothes and I let him in and he started screaming at me to get out of his way.
My sister still lives at home and says that it's hell living there. Everything, every argument is about my brother. She says my parents are constantly worrying, fighting, and dealing with my brother. We are both at the point that we want nothing to do with him. As of right now he is kicked out, but I fear it is only a matter of time before my parents cave in again because they are scared he may do something rash. I am supposed to be moving home after my student teaching is over, but I honestly don't know if I can handle living there or dealing with him.
My parents have paid for outpatient treatment for him and he has supposedly gone to AA meetings. He told us he was 41 days clean, yet when he went up north with my dad, my dad phone 6 beers in his duffle bag from when we were up north last time.
I don't believe anything he says anymore and he honestly scares me. He is very manipulative and angry. He always ends up playing the victim afterwards. Once he told us all that he was contimplating suicide after we found more bottles, then 10 minutes later he was laughing on the phone with his friend and then went to the park. Sober or not he is not the same brother I knew as a child. I don't know what to do. He is destroying my family, my parents marriage, and my dad cries all the time (he has never been one to cry, only at his parents' funerals). I am scared that my parents will continue to enable him and this hell will keep going.
It may seem harsh, but I am at the point I that I don't even want a relationship with him. I have told him that if he goes to a long term facility, I will support him, but I cannot have him in my life this way.
Please help.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
When he goes violent, Dial 911 and let the cops earn their donuts and paycheck.
They are used to picking up the trash.
===========
Meanwhile, on important stuff . . . . you know about Alanon and where/when/how to get that level of help? Could save your, your sister's, and parent's lives and sanity.
Really. Let's get you the Good Help, and get you in Alanon.
They are used to picking up the trash.
===========
Meanwhile, on important stuff . . . . you know about Alanon and where/when/how to get that level of help? Could save your, your sister's, and parent's lives and sanity.
Really. Let's get you the Good Help, and get you in Alanon.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You and your sister can apply for a restraining order, based upon his actions (threats, harassment) toward you. The domestic violence laws of most states apply to current and former household members, including siblings. If either of you lives at home with your parents, that would require him to leave the home. Of course, if your parents want him there, that would put them in the position of choosing between you and him. I wouldn't want to bet on the outcome of that decision.
Your folks are enabling your brother horribly, but as wrong as that is--however harmful to them and to him, and even to you--you cannot force them to change, any more than you can your brother.
I think all of you would benefit from Al-Anon. Your parents may not be interested (though you might pick up some pamphlets for them to read--I especially recommend "A Merry-Go-Round Named Denial" (the text of which you can read here).
Your folks are enabling your brother horribly, but as wrong as that is--however harmful to them and to him, and even to you--you cannot force them to change, any more than you can your brother.
I think all of you would benefit from Al-Anon. Your parents may not be interested (though you might pick up some pamphlets for them to read--I especially recommend "A Merry-Go-Round Named Denial" (the text of which you can read here).
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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Hello and Welcome! I'm so sorry for what brings you to SoberRecovery, but you have found a wonderful and supportive community.
At the top of this forum are some permanent threads we call 'stickies'. These threads are a wealth of information from our members and the recovery community at large. One that helped me so much when I first arrived at SR was this one:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
As Lexie said, we have no control over the choices an alcoholic makes--but we also have no control over the actions of the enablers to an alcoholic. Our control comes into play when we decide what is or is not acceptable behavior around us.
Please make yourself at home here!
At the top of this forum are some permanent threads we call 'stickies'. These threads are a wealth of information from our members and the recovery community at large. One that helped me so much when I first arrived at SR was this one:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
As Lexie said, we have no control over the choices an alcoholic makes--but we also have no control over the actions of the enablers to an alcoholic. Our control comes into play when we decide what is or is not acceptable behavior around us.
Please make yourself at home here!
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 1,218
Hello and welcome to the forum. I'm glad you found this place. Please keep posting and reading here. You will find a lot of good information and support here.
Wow. I'm sorry for what your family is going through. Your parents are enabling him, it seems your father is a big time enabler. Your brother is never forced to live with the consequences of his drinking because it seems dad bails him out every time, and even questions you when your brother lies. It would seem obvious for him to know your brother is lying given the troubles he has created for himself.
Can I ask, does anyone else in the family have a problem with drinking/is anyone else an alcoholic? It seems like much importance is placed on alcohol. Because of the circumstances with your brother, I'm curious to know if anyone in your family is also an alcoholic, besides your brother. One does not necessarily have to become threatening, violent, etc to qualify as an alcoholic, keep in mind.
He needs way more help than any of you can give him. He has endangered his life and the lives of others on numerous occasions. I would urge you to seek help, turning perhaps to a group that meets regarding alcoholism. If you aren't particularly spiritual or religious and alanon does not appeal to you, there is secular help available too. Keep in mind, however, that there is a lot you can learn from alanon - you can take what you need and leave the rest. Personally I've never attended, but many people on here speak highly of it as far as it being helpful in learning how to cope with having an alcoholic in your life, boundaries, enabling, etc.
Your parents would benefit tremendously from reaching out for help as well...but I know you can't force them. Perhaps you could give them a pamphlet or print out some information for them about a group, and gently let them know that there are resources out there to help them cope in a healthy way. I can't be sure since you mentioned your father's behavior/reactions to your brother and didn't mention your mother really, but perhaps she might be the better choice to give information to?
He shouldn't be allowed to drive/have a license with that history! I'm certainly not a legal expert, but I wonder if there is anything that can be done on that front, since he's not only endangering himself when he gets behind the wheel. Maybe someone else here who is more informed on that topic can advise?
Good luck, and please keep coming here. I mean it when I say it helps tremendously. Take good care of yourself. Peace.
Wow. I'm sorry for what your family is going through. Your parents are enabling him, it seems your father is a big time enabler. Your brother is never forced to live with the consequences of his drinking because it seems dad bails him out every time, and even questions you when your brother lies. It would seem obvious for him to know your brother is lying given the troubles he has created for himself.
Can I ask, does anyone else in the family have a problem with drinking/is anyone else an alcoholic? It seems like much importance is placed on alcohol. Because of the circumstances with your brother, I'm curious to know if anyone in your family is also an alcoholic, besides your brother. One does not necessarily have to become threatening, violent, etc to qualify as an alcoholic, keep in mind.
He needs way more help than any of you can give him. He has endangered his life and the lives of others on numerous occasions. I would urge you to seek help, turning perhaps to a group that meets regarding alcoholism. If you aren't particularly spiritual or religious and alanon does not appeal to you, there is secular help available too. Keep in mind, however, that there is a lot you can learn from alanon - you can take what you need and leave the rest. Personally I've never attended, but many people on here speak highly of it as far as it being helpful in learning how to cope with having an alcoholic in your life, boundaries, enabling, etc.
Your parents would benefit tremendously from reaching out for help as well...but I know you can't force them. Perhaps you could give them a pamphlet or print out some information for them about a group, and gently let them know that there are resources out there to help them cope in a healthy way. I can't be sure since you mentioned your father's behavior/reactions to your brother and didn't mention your mother really, but perhaps she might be the better choice to give information to?
He shouldn't be allowed to drive/have a license with that history! I'm certainly not a legal expert, but I wonder if there is anything that can be done on that front, since he's not only endangering himself when he gets behind the wheel. Maybe someone else here who is more informed on that topic can advise?
Good luck, and please keep coming here. I mean it when I say it helps tremendously. Take good care of yourself. Peace.
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Alcoholism does run in our family. My grandfather was an alcoholic on my dad's side. My mother was actually an alcoholic too. She didn't drink all the time, but when she did she was a binge drinker. I think I should include that she has manic depression. Once when I drove her home from a picnic because she clearly had on too many she punched me. After not speaking to her for a couple weeks, she joined AA and has not had a drop since.
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Join Date: May 2013
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Originally Posted by Aabbccdd112233 
Alcoholism does run in our family. My grandfather was an alcoholic on my dad's side. My mother was actually an alcoholic too. She didn't drink all the time, but when she did she was a binge drinker. I think I should include that she has manic depression. Once when I drove her home from a picnic because she clearly had on too many she punched me. After not speaking to her for a couple weeks, she joined AA and has not had a drop since.
Do you know if your mother has talked to your father about going to alanon regarding your brother?
How does your mother react to your brother? How does she react to the way your father deals with it? Does she try to discourage your father from bailing your brother out of every problem he creates for himself?
You might not be able to get through to your father. But you may have a chance at getting through to your mother, who can perhaps get through to your father.
I'm talking about getting help for them, since your brother is the only one who can take responsibility for himself.
At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I cannot encourage you enough to stick around here. Seriously, I'm not sure I would be as sane as I am living with my alcoholic husband had I not found this place.
Peace.
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Join Date: May 2013
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Originally Posted by Aabbccdd112233
Alcoholism does run in our family. My grandfather was an alcoholic on my dad's side. My mother was actually an alcoholic too. She didn't drink all the time, but when she did she was a binge drinker. I think I should include that she has manic depression. Once when I drove her home from a picnic because she clearly had on too many she punched me. After not speaking to her for a couple weeks, she joined AA and has not had a drop since.
Not sure that's helpful really, as I don't know if that's part of it, of course. I could be totally wrong. And even if it is true, that information/realization would only be helpful to your father if he decided to get help/examine why he reacts to your brother the way he does, so that he can get past the reactionary pattern he is creating.
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Aabbccdd112233 
You will find great support here.
I can't add much more except please continue with SR.
Alanon has helped me. I am more concerned for you.
Remember you nor your family has caused your brother's illness/legal problems, this, you can't control, nor cure.
Being so I wish you and your family seek help for yourselves.
You will find great support here.
I can't add much more except please continue with SR.
Alanon has helped me. I am more concerned for you.
Remember you nor your family has caused your brother's illness/legal problems, this, you can't control, nor cure.
Being so I wish you and your family seek help for yourselves.
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Join Date: May 2013
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Originally Posted by Aabbccdd112233
*Update my dad has now allowed my brother to come home again. He said that he won't let him be on the street.
I feel for him, though. Definitely not saying I agree with him, I just feel for him. It's hard enough to watch any alcoholic loved one destroy their life and endanger their life. I don't have children, but I can only imagine how painful it is, the thought of your child being so reckless that you worry for their safety.
Yet, as long as your brother continues to get rescued he has no motivation or incentive to get his act together. Ultimately your father isn't helping, and is really trying to make himself feel better by bailing out your brother. It relieves his guilt/fear/anxiety/etc. I do hope your father decides to examine his motives regarding how he reacts, and concludes that he needs to take another approach.
I hope they get their own alcohol out of the house. Yes, your brother will get his hands on alcohol regardless, but making it easier for him to get isn't helpful, and I think you said he's only 20, so he can't buy it himself. Hopefully whoever buys it for him will wise up and refuse. Your brother has lots of enablers! Ultimately though, even in the absence of enablers, your brother is the one that must do the hard work to recover.
Hugs...I'm sorry you are going through this.
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Thank you. I am very nervous to come home now though. I refuse to have a relationship with my brother like this. But my dad keeps bailing him out now going on vacation with him up north?! I cannot help but feel resentment towards my brother when he gets so many chances.
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He does not consult my mother with these things. He has been on medication, but does not take it routinely, which does not help. My dad says that my brother has not drank, but I don't believe him. Even so, his anger and rage are what scares me. We have removed the alcohol in our house before yet somehow he gets his hands on it. My parents make my sister and I lock our purses in a safe, which is very annoying having to code my purse in and out everytime I leave for somewhere. This isn't how I want to live my life and have to have this on my mind.
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Originally Posted by Aabbccdd112233
He does not consult my mother with these things. He has been on medication, but does not take it routinely, which does not help. My dad says that my brother has not drank, but I don't believe him. Even so, his anger and rage are what scares me. We have removed the alcohol in our house before yet somehow he gets his hands on it. My parents make my sister and I lock our purses in a safe, which is very annoying having to code my purse in and out everytime I leave for somewhere. This isn't how I want to live my life and have to have this on my mind.
Just to clarify, when you said "he has been on medication" are you referring to your father or your brother? And medication for what?
Peace.
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Thank you for your replies. My brother is on medication for depression, but he only takes it every once in a while. My mother has never been emotionally available to us so it is not something against my father, just her as a person.
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I have a similar background with my brother. My parents have always bailed him out of every mess. They will not allow him to hit bottom, can not live with the possibility of him on the streets. They always let him back home, and they live with fear/chaos/disappointment/pain. My brother is now 50 yrs old....and nothing has changed. What my parents could never see was by enabling him, they helped him stay in the disease. So in the end, although their efforts were well intentioned, they actually hurt my brother.
I spent a lot of years trying to figure out how to help them all. Nothing worked. It was through Alanon that I finally got it. There is nothing I can do to change the situation. They are all adults, and have the right to make their own choices. Even if they make bad choices, they have the right to do that. But I don't have to live with their choices. I have to make healthy choices for me.
You're young, you have an education and a future ahead of you. Find an AlAnon group, and learn to set healthy boundaries with your family. I had to detach with love from mine. I told them that I could not be part of enabling my brother, and so I choose to stay away from the house. I invite my folks to my house, and I don't ask about my brother. I don't criticize their choices. It wasn't easy at first, it hurt my parents feelings, but I had to take care of me.
Read the book "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie. Specifically, read the January 4th and JUly 15th entries. THey both speak about loving our families, but not having to take on their issues.
I hope you find AlAnon. Maybe you will set an example for your Dad. Keep posting here as well.
I spent a lot of years trying to figure out how to help them all. Nothing worked. It was through Alanon that I finally got it. There is nothing I can do to change the situation. They are all adults, and have the right to make their own choices. Even if they make bad choices, they have the right to do that. But I don't have to live with their choices. I have to make healthy choices for me.
You're young, you have an education and a future ahead of you. Find an AlAnon group, and learn to set healthy boundaries with your family. I had to detach with love from mine. I told them that I could not be part of enabling my brother, and so I choose to stay away from the house. I invite my folks to my house, and I don't ask about my brother. I don't criticize their choices. It wasn't easy at first, it hurt my parents feelings, but I had to take care of me.
Read the book "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie. Specifically, read the January 4th and JUly 15th entries. THey both speak about loving our families, but not having to take on their issues.
I hope you find AlAnon. Maybe you will set an example for your Dad. Keep posting here as well.
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Thank you. It is very hard, but I think I will have to distance myself from my family. I have told my dad numerous times he is only enabling my brother and that this whole situation will continue until it doesn't. I don't think anything will change until he does. I will have to check into an AlAnon group. Maybe my dad will go too.
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Originally Posted by Aabbccdd112233
Thank you for your replies. My brother is on medication for depression, but he only takes it every once in a while. My mother has never been emotionally available to us so it is not something against my father, just her as a person.
Personally, I find that the more I understand, the easier it is to deal with. Not EASY, just easier. It's hard because you can't force anyone else to get help - not your brother, not your parents. So remember to focus on you and keep yourself healthy.
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I also have a similar situation with my brother, and have tried to deal with it similarly to Recovering 2.
My addict brother is severely enabled by my mother, and now lives in her basement. He has reduced a big portion of my mom's house to squalor, verbally and emotionally abuses her, and I fear has also begun to physically abuse her--she had a weird accident lately where she fell so strongly into a door that it broke.
My brother's horrible behavior and my mom's unhealthy response to it, has cast a shadow over my entire life. I finally had to distance myself from the situation to survive. I only see my mother away from her house, and choose not to have anything to do with my brother.
I'd do anything to help my mother, but realize there isn't a damn thing I can do. I know this is isn't healthy but I often times find myself wishing my brother would die. Nearly forty years of someone hijacking the peace from your life, will do that. I despise my brother and while I know I shouldn't, I think I allow myself this feeling because it is the only emotion surrounding this situation that gives me the strength to stay away from it.
I agree with everyone that you should get to Al Anon ASAP. And I would also try very hard to find another place to live when you are done with school. This painful and destructive situation is not your problem. You are young and you have a beautiful life ahead of you. Live it without this huge burden weighing you down. I wish I had.
My addict brother is severely enabled by my mother, and now lives in her basement. He has reduced a big portion of my mom's house to squalor, verbally and emotionally abuses her, and I fear has also begun to physically abuse her--she had a weird accident lately where she fell so strongly into a door that it broke.
My brother's horrible behavior and my mom's unhealthy response to it, has cast a shadow over my entire life. I finally had to distance myself from the situation to survive. I only see my mother away from her house, and choose not to have anything to do with my brother.
I'd do anything to help my mother, but realize there isn't a damn thing I can do. I know this is isn't healthy but I often times find myself wishing my brother would die. Nearly forty years of someone hijacking the peace from your life, will do that. I despise my brother and while I know I shouldn't, I think I allow myself this feeling because it is the only emotion surrounding this situation that gives me the strength to stay away from it.
I agree with everyone that you should get to Al Anon ASAP. And I would also try very hard to find another place to live when you are done with school. This painful and destructive situation is not your problem. You are young and you have a beautiful life ahead of you. Live it without this huge burden weighing you down. I wish I had.
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