SoberNewDad

Over the last 12 years due to alcohol and substances, I have lost:
3 good jobs(getting close to a 4th)
2 driver's licenses
1 marriage
my chance at a college education
my credit
my dignity

Somehow, someway by God's Grace, I still have a home, a car, a job, a woman that loves me, and a beautiful baby boy.

This tuesday, I took multiple days off of work saying that my grandpa died so that I could go to vegas and get so drunk that I couldn't even leave my room. I have done this 3 times now. My girlfriend is a gambler and needs to learn to tell me no when I am drunk, but that is a different story.

I have racked up such credit card debt from drinking, partying, gambling, and doing this my finances cannot sustain. My job is sick of my excuses. I may lose it on monday. I feel distant from my family who lives 50 miles south of us and hasn't made a trip in quite a while. My girlfriend even though she has been somewhat of an accomplice is getting sick of this but doesn't want people to know, and doesn't want our finances to suffer from me going to rehab. After all, I have failed in rehab once before.

My binges have gotten progressively worse. I cried all the way home from Vegas thursday morning. I haven't had a drink since then, and my withdrawal has been very painful. I have averaged about 12-16 shots a day the last 2 weeks or so. I am at 2.5 days and I have had yellowing and purple skin, orange/brown urine, auditory hallucinations(I haven't experienced these since my early 20's when I experimented with meth), racing thoughts/nightmares where my brain is almost out of control, very jumpy, and of course insomnia. I am trying desperately not to think of the consequences of my actions until my withdrawal is gone(using money I shouldn't, job at risk, my poor son).

The bottom line is that this has to be it. I am going to either die, be homeless, in a mental institution, or jail if I don't stop. Any of those options hurt the innocent boy that I should want to protect with my life. I feel so guilty, and I need to be strong so that if and when the consequences hit me, I don't just say f*** it and buy a bottle.

Any suggestions are welcome and I hope you are well.

SoberNewDad

I hope these withdrawals end soon because I jump at every little noise.

Tobo

Thanks for sharing. I don't have much to offer regarding suggestions, but wanted to offer support. I'm only24 hrs sober, but I identify with your feelings of wondering if I really had enough. After a few days my memory fades and I go back to drinking. The drinking eventuLly leads to everything else and I'm back at square one. Good luck to you, and ultimately you're done when you say you're done

Tamerua

Hi Sober, u don't know for sure but those symptom sound scary, can you go to and urgent care place?

You sound determined, which is great. What I think would be helpful for you would be to put a recovery plan in place and talk to your girlfriend to support and avoid being an accomplice.

You've come to a great place!

SoberNewDad

Thank you both for responding. I believe I will be ok if I gut it out regarding withdrawal. If I keep getting worse I will go for sure. My withdrawal has always been very mental.

We will for sure be putting a plan together. I have never been much for meetings but I will do anything this time.

TnRobert

I feel your pain. Once at the bottom there is only 1 way out & that is up. Be strong & dig deep to overcome this. We all have the ability in us to change for better or worse.

Will keep you in my thoughts.

SoberNewDad

Thanks a lot. Can use the thoughts and prayers.

ScottFromWI

Those sound like some pretty severe symptoms SND. So glad you came here and are seeking help to quit. Honestl though, your immediate health is first and foremost, I'd see a doctor ASAP if you can.

Eleni58

I'm sorry but if you have yellow skin and brown urine, this could mean you have cirrhosis and your liver is failing. I detoxed on my own this week, but I don't have nearly the symptoms you do. You need medical attention ASAP. You could die from withdrawals! Don't try to tough it out. Please, please don't say you can't afford to go to a doctor. If you can afford the booze and a trip to Vegas, you can afford to have doctor at least check you out.

Eleni58

P.S. Get a bottle of B-1 (thiamine)--it greatly calms the nerves and eases the withdrawal symptoms.

SoberNewDad

Thanks for the responses. I just started taking B-1 today. My yellow skin has subsided and my appetite has come back. Do you really think even at 33 I could have a failing liver?

deeker

I got a lump in my throat reading your post and I have had similar experiences. I got married in Vegas and was to drunk to even, well you know, on my wedding night. Threw up after a helicopter ride on the strip. Went to hotel and passed out. Hubby went gambling.

I know that empty feeling of spending all your cash too. I am not a gambler however and I will probably never go back to Vegas, cuz gambling to me is so emotionally draining when you are up and down.

Here is a link to an AA big Book. I hope you do consider meetings. They will work if you are willing to take suggestions. If you want to receive a little instant hope I highly recommend you get to a meeting.

Big Book Online Fourth Edition Linked With permission Of AA World Services, inc

I am definitely going to stop right now and pray for you. You are young so that is a good thing.

If you really want to stop you can do it. SR and AA could really change your life if you are willing to put in the work.. Keep posting over the next few days cuz it will get more difficult and this darn addiction will start playing on your mind.


Try to relax. You are not alone with your thoughts. I care, we care.. If you need to pm me I will be up for an hour at least.

SoberNewDad

Thank you, Deeker. I really needed to hear that. I use to think I was too cool for meetings, but guess what? They were too cool for me. I wasn't ready. I have no choice at this point.

I am clicking on your link now.

dirk41

I can really identify with your post as I'm in a very similar situation, having recently relapsed and gone on a 2 week binge drinking similar levels to you. I'm on day 1 and my body is going through the process of adjusting to me stopping putting poison in it and starting putting healthy food and vitamins into it. Having gone through this before I know things do get better and with a little help the body can be very good at healing itself.

Also having recently had a long period of sobriety its still fresh in my mind and I can remember how much better it was to spend sober time with my young family, be a positive role model for them and enjoy the things I love in life rather than drinking myself into a stupor every day and feeling sick all the time, you're heading in the right direction.

SR is a great support and best of luck with your sobriety, I will be following your posts.

SoberNewDad

Thank you, Dirk.

I looked at my son today and just cried and thought about how innocent he is and that he didn't choose to be born with an alcoholic dad and it is like I saw how painful his life would be because of me dying or just being a drunk. I couldn't take that thought.

I want to be a role model for him, not an embarassment.

I wish you the best in trying again, man. I know how hard it is. I really do.

SoberNewDad

As a side note, have any of you experienced kind of a twilight dream stage when you are withdrawing where you can't really sleep and your mind is racing kind of making up stories and connecting weird thoughts together? I can only explain it as a whole night of nonsensical dreaming while I am not really asleep.

That really scared me this time. Happened the first two nights along with the shakes. I am exhausted and hope I can sleep tonight.

dirk41

I think adjusting to the state of sober sleep is one of the hardest things in early recovery for me. I find it takes me personally about 2-3 weeks to get back to normal again with sleeping patterns and dreams and while this is happening I'd describe my dreams as more 'vivid' and I can be a bit 'confused' when I'm continuously waking up during the night. Someone posted once on SR that during early recovery they felt like all their dreams were being directed by Stephen King, a great way to put it I think.

SoberNewDad

It always freaks me out when my brain does weird things like that. Makes me feel out of control. Then a couple weeks from now I am going to go from this to wanting to sleep all the time. Alcohol, I really wish I never met you.

bemyself

SND, you're the same age as my own daughters (twins). You're very clearly desperate to make another start on this, getting sober.

For now, though, try not to worry about the things you've lost: right now, given your symptoms (and I say this as a much older alcoholic, who's still relapsing), those symptoms DO require immediate medical investigation and treatment. If it's late at night where you are, so be it, call 911 and for a first step, get thyself into an ER where they can check you out....then take it from there.

I and too many others have messed about prevaricating about the symptoms when we stop drinking; for so many, the consequences are very dire.

What would it hurt, and indeed, what could it benefit, you and your baby son, if you were to get medical help pretty damn soon? Those symptoms may or may not signal complete cirrhosis and other damage, but they're sufficiently severe that you should take action, forthwith!

Blessings and good luck to you, from Australia

Wastinglife

Ive been there Soberdad. Just take things hour by hour and know you are getting closer to sanity as time goes. The mental aspect of withdrawal was always the worst part for me. Try to distract yourself by watching TV/movies and eat as much healthy food as you can. time is your best friend right now.