A year ago today

Old 07-27-2013, 12:33 PM
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A year ago today

I realised my husband had a problem.

It was the night of the olympics opening ceremony. We were on a ferry to travel home to my parents for the weekend. My husband had been off sick with "depression" for 3 months and recently returned to work. Things had been very difficult since we were married less then a year earlier.

I was watching the ceremony, while he suggested he would go and get us some dinner. You know where this goes.

He took forever.

Mr bean was in the orchestra, playing chariots of fire, and I thought to myself, H would really enjoy this, I wonder where he has got to.. I took a walk round the boat to find him at the back of the queue for food. He said that the queue had been really long, he was at the back of it because no one had joined after him.

I went back to my seat.

He joined me a while later, absolutely leglessly drunk. He tripped with the movement of the ferry, smeared our dinner up the carpet, and fell flat on his face. I was furious, confused, embarrassed, humiliated. He picked up the chips and burgers, trying to reshape them for us to eat, but they were full of fluff, and hair, and floor crap. He was too drunk to notice, and ate his, head rolling around like a marble.

Eventually he fell asleep, and I wept all the way to Ireland.

He barely spoke to my parents for the weekend, and refused to join us for meals, making us late for everything we'd planned.

It was horrendous.

But also marked the beginning of my journey out of denial.

They are showing the ceremony tonight on uk tv. I watch with tears streaming down my face. Relief. Disbelief at how far I have come.

I couldn't have got here without the support of SR.

So very grateful.

Thank you.
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Old 07-27-2013, 02:13 PM
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LeSigh, your posting is very moving to me. I am so glad that you were able to do what you needed to do for yourself.
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Old 07-27-2013, 03:52 PM
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Very inspiring!! Thank you, LeSigh!!
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Old 07-27-2013, 04:38 PM
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Thanks guys.

I just wanted to mark the anniversary of that moment somehow, and sharing the memories here seemed the best way to do it.

After that awful weekend, I started to read, read and read some more at this site. The stories and advice and tough love on this forum gave me the strength to realise that I deserved better. That it was as much a choice to stay, as a choice to go.

I looked at my life. I thought, if this is as good as it gets, is it enough?

The lights came on, and gradually the awful truth became too obvious to avoid any longer. Eventually I hit my bottom, and I've been living alone for 8 months now.

The road isn't easy, but at least I'm on the right track.

It took me a few months to join up as an SR member, and start to find a voice here. I'm still pretty shy around these parts, but I know that reading the thoughtful, kind and searing honesty of this board has seen me through so many lows and sleepless nights.

These days, life is pretty peaceful. It is lonely. But I'm taking my time to allow in what I value, and not rush into biting off more than I can chew.

Therapy is helping. I didn't find a good fit at al anon, but I'm making my own way in this new world.

I've learned more about myself in the last few months, than I ever could have done if I had chosen to stay.. All the energy I was pouring into making my marriage work, into helping my husband, into enabling and minimising and fixing. I might as well have poured it down the drain.

I'm slowly realising that I go for difficult people, to distract me from the pain inside myself. I distract myself with other people's problems, and try to seek my self worth in somewhere it doesn't exist. Bread at the hardware store. Textbook.

I still have pretty low lows, but I'm learning to embrace the feelings of loss, and am finding ways to nurture and soothe myself. My natural reaction to feeling upset is to get angry and frustrated to be debilitated by tears and emotions. My therapist is leading me towards the idea of inner parent / inner child conversations, and exploring this way of perceiving myself is actually helping! (Thank goodness!!). I'm beginning to understand that I need to treat myself as kindly as I sought to treat my A, all those other ex's, and everyone else in the world who's happiness and wellbeing a forced infront of my own. Self care is difficult to learn when my childhood taught me that if you're sad, maybe you should work harder to make yourself happy. Hurt? Better be quiet about it. Bullied? You probably did something to provoke or annoy the person mistreating you. Lots of things to understand and try different was of being..

This is pretty long now, but often people only post in crisis. I'm sure I have and will be one of them, but tonight, I'm feeling pretty stable, grateful, and thought maybe a bit of a progress update might be good.

Peace and serenity to all of you.. X
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Old 07-27-2013, 05:04 PM
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LeSigh, your post is so beautifully written!! I know that your words will be just the words that someone will be needing to hear tonight....words that they can take inspiration and hope from.

Thank you for sharing this with us. By the way, you won't always feel lonely......you have so much more to look forward to!

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Old 07-27-2013, 06:05 PM
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I'm one of them--your second post really put my journey into words! Thank you so much....reading it is like a recap of my own struggles to fill in the void, learn to self soothe, resist the cravings for contact, get myself through the painful lows and start developing better habits (I learned to hide in doors, sleep and crawl into a paralyzing fog of depression, rather than work harder.) I'm looking forward to getting down to work with my new therapist too, who comes back next week after a month away.

Thank you again, LeSigh! So clear and well written....so encouraging.
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