Months out, feels good, man.
Orange Lily
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 100
Months out, feels good, man.
Hey, everyone.
Officially been broken up with my AXBF for almost 4 months now, away from the torment for nearly 3 months, and I'm not looking back... for those of you still in the nightmare, I want to welcome you to the other side.
Things for me since my last check in have been going really well... been focusing on work, trips, projects, and school. I've even started to casually date again-- on MY terms-- and I'm cautiously optimistic that I have it in me to sustain HEALTHY and HAPPY relationships.
Though the above is all sunshine and happiness, there have definitely been some "off" days. I changed all the ways my AXBF could get ahold of me-- even going as insofar as to change my number and e-mail addresses, etc, but somehow he was able to find me again. Messages found themselves onto my phone and into my e-mail once again and he did his best to try and bring me back into that insanity. I can firmly say that I didn't bite or fall into his trap: I blocked everything as immediately as I could, no matter how much he tried to spam me with suicide threats and accusations through any form of social media he could (how weird is it to get threatening e-mails about something I post on my Instagram and Twitter accounts....?)
But, regardless of his continuing craziness, I'm doing really well. I wonder about him, but that's about it. Actually, no, I've cried a few times. It's so surreal-- thinking back to how I lost someone who used to be so important to me, like he died. He essentially has, in my mind. When I think on everything, it feels like a distant dream and a distant memory... and that makes me more sad than anything. I don't even remember what it felt like to love him. Eventually I know I will again, but right now, I don't even remember the good times.
I haven't looked at the journal I kept during the worst of everything-- I definitely need a lot of time before I can reread what I wrote during the insanity with fresh eyes and really understand such a pivotal time in my life.
I pray for him, when I'm not annoyed by his memory. I wonder if he's doing ok, if he'll ever be ok, and if he'll ever realize how he threw us away, how much he hurt me. It's a damn shame. I think that's my resounding feeling about it: a damn shame.
But, regardless, I'm happy. I'm happy with the guy I'm casually seeing who told me up front that he can see on my face how I've been beaten down by too many terrible things. How he wants to water me back into a beautiful flower. And I'm ok with that, in the non-codependant way. I'm ready to turn a new leaf and really be positive again, and feel it in my bones.
Hang in there, everyone.
Officially been broken up with my AXBF for almost 4 months now, away from the torment for nearly 3 months, and I'm not looking back... for those of you still in the nightmare, I want to welcome you to the other side.
Things for me since my last check in have been going really well... been focusing on work, trips, projects, and school. I've even started to casually date again-- on MY terms-- and I'm cautiously optimistic that I have it in me to sustain HEALTHY and HAPPY relationships.
Though the above is all sunshine and happiness, there have definitely been some "off" days. I changed all the ways my AXBF could get ahold of me-- even going as insofar as to change my number and e-mail addresses, etc, but somehow he was able to find me again. Messages found themselves onto my phone and into my e-mail once again and he did his best to try and bring me back into that insanity. I can firmly say that I didn't bite or fall into his trap: I blocked everything as immediately as I could, no matter how much he tried to spam me with suicide threats and accusations through any form of social media he could (how weird is it to get threatening e-mails about something I post on my Instagram and Twitter accounts....?)
But, regardless of his continuing craziness, I'm doing really well. I wonder about him, but that's about it. Actually, no, I've cried a few times. It's so surreal-- thinking back to how I lost someone who used to be so important to me, like he died. He essentially has, in my mind. When I think on everything, it feels like a distant dream and a distant memory... and that makes me more sad than anything. I don't even remember what it felt like to love him. Eventually I know I will again, but right now, I don't even remember the good times.
I haven't looked at the journal I kept during the worst of everything-- I definitely need a lot of time before I can reread what I wrote during the insanity with fresh eyes and really understand such a pivotal time in my life.
I pray for him, when I'm not annoyed by his memory. I wonder if he's doing ok, if he'll ever be ok, and if he'll ever realize how he threw us away, how much he hurt me. It's a damn shame. I think that's my resounding feeling about it: a damn shame.
But, regardless, I'm happy. I'm happy with the guy I'm casually seeing who told me up front that he can see on my face how I've been beaten down by too many terrible things. How he wants to water me back into a beautiful flower. And I'm ok with that, in the non-codependant way. I'm ready to turn a new leaf and really be positive again, and feel it in my bones.
Hang in there, everyone.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: In bizarroworld
Posts: 94
Good for you! That really gives me hope. I can't wait until I'm on the other side of these feelings. But I know it takes time, just like it took time to get into the insanity and chaos. I'm really happy for you. :-)
Orange Lily
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 100
Originally Posted by terryr97 
Good for you! That really gives me hope. I can't wait until I'm on the other side of these feelings. But I know it takes time, just like it took time to get into the insanity and chaos. I'm really happy for you. :-)
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