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Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Melbourne, Victoria Australia
Posts: 1,202
Thanks Ache, yes, I figured as much. Good on you! I mean, for trying to stay sober during it. I battled through most of my PhD (5 years' worth, and then unfinished) while spiralling further and further down into my alcoholism. I was occasionally getting some tutoring / teaching/ research assistant work too during those years, as well as earlier during my Bachelor's and Honours.
I was apparently considered pretty damn bright, well capable of going forth as a fully fledged academic, writer of book chapters, journal articles and such. I knew I was, too. But this ba(*Yard alchoholism put a stop to all of that. Eventually. Like a slow intellectual death, a slow spiritual death. A slow physical death.
And you're sober. I'm not. You're younger than me. I'm nearly 58. And have to constantly calm myself, each day, to try to deal with all that I didn't achieve - but could have. Not that academic accolades / success in business or whatever, are all there is in life. But it's great if you / we can simply complete something big. It's a great booster to our spirits.
I'm with you Ache; from the other side of the world, I'm watching how you go. And praying for you, waving my prayer flags, as it were.
I was apparently considered pretty damn bright, well capable of going forth as a fully fledged academic, writer of book chapters, journal articles and such. I knew I was, too. But this ba(*Yard alchoholism put a stop to all of that. Eventually. Like a slow intellectual death, a slow spiritual death. A slow physical death.
And you're sober. I'm not. You're younger than me. I'm nearly 58. And have to constantly calm myself, each day, to try to deal with all that I didn't achieve - but could have. Not that academic accolades / success in business or whatever, are all there is in life. But it's great if you / we can simply complete something big. It's a great booster to our spirits.
I'm with you Ache; from the other side of the world, I'm watching how you go. And praying for you, waving my prayer flags, as it were.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: San Diego
Posts: 611
I wish I was in Grad School. I dropped out one semester shy of my Bachelor's in Psychology and English Lit. Stupid. I have so many college credits its embarrassing! Where is the degree to show for all the hard work / student loans? Oh yea, I was out drinking and doing drugs. Lol.
What are you studying? I think it's awesome! You give me hope - maybe if I stay sober I will get to Grad School too!
What are you studying? I think it's awesome! You give me hope - maybe if I stay sober I will get to Grad School too!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6
I ruined a phd from over drinking too. I didn't realise that was the reason at the time, but it has become clear to me in the years since.
One of my reasons for getting sober is that I want to go back and start a new phd - in a couple of years, I think (I'm a school teacher presently). I love academia. I love being around super smart people and the challenge (intellectual AND motivational).
In my experience, alcohol makes me complacent. It makes me satisfied with resting on my laurels. I want much more than that in life.
Chin up Acheleus. You'll get so much more outta school straight. Good to keep yourself busy too. Idle mind and all that.
One of my reasons for getting sober is that I want to go back and start a new phd - in a couple of years, I think (I'm a school teacher presently). I love academia. I love being around super smart people and the challenge (intellectual AND motivational).
In my experience, alcohol makes me complacent. It makes me satisfied with resting on my laurels. I want much more than that in life.
Chin up Acheleus. You'll get so much more outta school straight. Good to keep yourself busy too. Idle mind and all that.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 1,920
Yes I just am going to focus and do nothing else. Last year I never kept alcohol in my place, I just had drinks at bars. I had 40 something days and blew it with a relapse, now I have quit counting and I am going to get a sponsor and do meetings once a day. School has been burning me out though. Trying to stay calm and not be scared.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6
Definitely - you know what you need to do. Keep it up!
Not having alcohol in the home is super important. How do you find grad school life re drinking? It wasn't easy for me! My fellow postgrads drunk heaps; even the academics drunk with us. After seminars - I did philosophy, most recently - everyone would go for drinks at the stuff club. Some of the most interesting discussions took place there - you didn't want to miss it. I found finding nonalcoholic drinks I actually enjoyed was helpful. Coffee - I love coffee - and spiced tomato juice.
One thing I read on Rational Recovery lately is that self control is something you have to PRACTICE - i.e. you only get it through doing it. I like to tell myself that when I feel like having a drink - "no, today, I am gonna practice the art of self control" (like it's like learning a new academic discipline!). It appeals to the constant student in me.
Not having alcohol in the home is super important. How do you find grad school life re drinking? It wasn't easy for me! My fellow postgrads drunk heaps; even the academics drunk with us. After seminars - I did philosophy, most recently - everyone would go for drinks at the stuff club. Some of the most interesting discussions took place there - you didn't want to miss it. I found finding nonalcoholic drinks I actually enjoyed was helpful. Coffee - I love coffee - and spiced tomato juice.
One thing I read on Rational Recovery lately is that self control is something you have to PRACTICE - i.e. you only get it through doing it. I like to tell myself that when I feel like having a drink - "no, today, I am gonna practice the art of self control" (like it's like learning a new academic discipline!). It appeals to the constant student in me.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: North East, US
Posts: 2,310
You can do this ach!!! What a triumphant goal to achieve. Woeking towards Earning a Masters while fighting for your sobriety! I'm proud of you that is no easy task! Keep up the positive thinking and self talk you are doing so well!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 1,920
I have not been out drinking with students. I usually drink alone and end up forgetting things. It is really sad, so no interesting drunken evenings with intellectuals. Not drinking is my number one priority.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: NY
Posts: 227
I am also getting ready to go back to college in a month or so for my last semester of a second bachelor's. It's so easy to drink because there is always tomorrow to start that problem set or project. I can get away with only studying the hour before the exam tomorrow.....
It's tough, but, I am sure you have noticed this too, I get so much more out of the experience socially and intellectually when I am not drinking. I pretty much wasted the experience intellectually when i got my first degree, so i am determined not to do that again.
It's tough, but, I am sure you have noticed this too, I get so much more out of the experience socially and intellectually when I am not drinking. I pretty much wasted the experience intellectually when i got my first degree, so i am determined not to do that again.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Melbourne, Victoria Australia
Posts: 1,202
Oh yes, Rosebot, that postgrad / staff drinking culture. I remember it very well. Some of the stories I could tell..... eek! To be honest, it was the same in the undergrad world too - and I'm talking mostly mature age undergrads, 35, 40 and over. Not just young kids straight outta secondary school and 'doing what young kids do at uni'.
Looking back, though, I was drinking both at home (though less than how it developed in later years) AND on campus. These were the years, for me, when I vaguely 'knew' that my drinking was getting outta control; but in those years, I justified it because of all the other seemingly interminable personal problems which came in torrents, often several at once - divorces, child custody disputes, constant financial problems, several major house moves, numerous periods of illness (bronchitis etc), several psychological breakdowns, on and on and on it seemed to go.
Now, as a non-completed postgrad, and with all those other things behind me: I'm now on a disability pension, with alcohol dependence as one of the four 'conditions' of eligibility for it. I can no longer work in a paid job, and I certainly am no longer able to cope with the intellectual rigours - nor, certainly, the administrative pressures - of the current postgrad / academic teaching world. I have a couple of old friends who are still in the universities, and I know from them what it's like nowadays.
I now have no wish to rejoin that world, even IF I could with a decent period of sobriety behind me. I try, when I can, to stay in touch with various intellectual currents about many issues and ideas, via the internet.
Ache and others, I only tell this part of my story, not to deflate you. Au contraire: to encourage you younger ones :-) who are getting sober whilst still in the academic scene or wanting to return to it. The younger you are when you can get and stay sober, the more you'll be able to handle that world, those pressures. As well, you'll be able to be more clear over time as to whether or when to leave it. All things pass.
xx Aunty Vic :-)
Looking back, though, I was drinking both at home (though less than how it developed in later years) AND on campus. These were the years, for me, when I vaguely 'knew' that my drinking was getting outta control; but in those years, I justified it because of all the other seemingly interminable personal problems which came in torrents, often several at once - divorces, child custody disputes, constant financial problems, several major house moves, numerous periods of illness (bronchitis etc), several psychological breakdowns, on and on and on it seemed to go.
Now, as a non-completed postgrad, and with all those other things behind me: I'm now on a disability pension, with alcohol dependence as one of the four 'conditions' of eligibility for it. I can no longer work in a paid job, and I certainly am no longer able to cope with the intellectual rigours - nor, certainly, the administrative pressures - of the current postgrad / academic teaching world. I have a couple of old friends who are still in the universities, and I know from them what it's like nowadays.
I now have no wish to rejoin that world, even IF I could with a decent period of sobriety behind me. I try, when I can, to stay in touch with various intellectual currents about many issues and ideas, via the internet.
Ache and others, I only tell this part of my story, not to deflate you. Au contraire: to encourage you younger ones :-) who are getting sober whilst still in the academic scene or wanting to return to it. The younger you are when you can get and stay sober, the more you'll be able to handle that world, those pressures. As well, you'll be able to be more clear over time as to whether or when to leave it. All things pass.
xx Aunty Vic :-)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 1,920
I had strange side effects from my medicine and quit taking it for a day but felt scared and filled with anxiety. So I just took one and will see my doctor soon. I feel so stressed and burned out but I am never drinking again. Tonight I cannot sleep and I could not sleep last night, but I will try to rest and have a quiet Sunday. The medicine makes me feel strange.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 1,920
I do not know why but I have been crying and mad at myself that I have pushed people in my life away, and I do not want people to think I am crazy because I cannot handle alcohol. Maybe not taking the med for one day sent me into this frightening place. Everything just feels so desolate, and I am tired of messing up and relapsing. I am going to start my AA meetings tomorrow. I feel so alone and broken because of my family history and I just want to believe in myself again instead of being scared all the time.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Orange County, CA
Posts: 23
Originally Posted by bemyself 
Thanks Ache, yes, I figured as much. Good on you! I mean, for trying to stay sober during it. I battled through most of my PhD (5 years' worth, and then unfinished) while spiralling further and further down into my alcoholism. I was occasionally getting some tutoring / teaching/ research assistant work too during those years, as well as earlier during my Bachelor's and Honours.
I was apparently considered pretty damn bright, well capable of going forth as a fully fledged academic, writer of book chapters, journal articles and such. I knew I was, too. But this ba(*Yard alchoholism put a stop to all of that. Eventually. Like a slow intellectual death, a slow spiritual death. A slow physical death.
And you're sober. I'm not. You're younger than me. I'm nearly 58. And have to constantly calm myself, each day, to try to deal with all that I didn't achieve - but could have. Not that academic accolades / success in business or whatever, are all there is in life. But it's great if you / we can simply complete something big. It's a great booster to our spirits.
I'm with you Ache; from the other side of the world, I'm watching how you go. And praying for you, waving my prayer flags, as it were.
I was apparently considered pretty damn bright, well capable of going forth as a fully fledged academic, writer of book chapters, journal articles and such. I knew I was, too. But this ba(*Yard alchoholism put a stop to all of that. Eventually. Like a slow intellectual death, a slow spiritual death. A slow physical death.
And you're sober. I'm not. You're younger than me. I'm nearly 58. And have to constantly calm myself, each day, to try to deal with all that I didn't achieve - but could have. Not that academic accolades / success in business or whatever, are all there is in life. But it's great if you / we can simply complete something big. It's a great booster to our spirits.
I'm with you Ache; from the other side of the world, I'm watching how you go. And praying for you, waving my prayer flags, as it were.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Hey Ache...so glad to see that you posted. I actually just mentioned you in a pm with another member asking if she had noticed you posting cuz I hadn't seen you. You're still here : ) Sorry you're having a rough day...hopefully, you'll get some rest and tomorrow will be a better day.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 1,920
Just returned from a long walk on my usual route through my neighborhood. Exercise is just what I needed. Going to listen to some AA tapes and maybe read. Still feel nervous about what I did during my relapse that I do not remember. Thank you all for the support. I am living a sober life right now, and I know I can forgive myself yet still become a stronger person.
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