Having a tough day

Old 07-26-2013, 08:59 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 39
Having a tough day

So, as you may know, my BF slipped up big time (pain killers are his kryptonite), lost his job and has basically turned my entire life upside down in the matter of a week. Here's a few minor facts about him: He's 42 years old. Before he met me he was clean and sober for 5 years. His first slip up (that I'm aware of) was a little more than a year ago, while I was pregnant. At that time he started going back to meetings more and more. From then on there were times I suspected, and then confronted him about using. He told me he was "chipping". I didn't know what this was - but apparently he's just taking little bits off a pill at a time to get him through the day - but not every day.

Anyway, since he confessed about being fired on Sunday he has gone into complete meltdown mode, just shutting himself down, not even being able to answer questions like "have you eaten?" or "where is the extension chord?". That went on for about 2 days. The last 2 days, however, he has been a bit more receptive. I think he sees this as the last time he's going to be able to spend time with his son and participate in his daily routine for some time, so he's trying to take it all in. I have to admit, the tension in the house has really gone down the last couple of nights. It's almost been pleasant - with the exception of both of us knowing that he still needs to leave and get help ASAP.

Which brings us to today. Now, I haven't really participated in helping to find him a detox. He has a lot of friends that he has lived with, worked with, etc. that are all very familiar with the detoxes in our area. When my BF came out of his program the first time he started working in clinics and detoxes, eventually ending up at a shelter (for work) as well, so he is very familiar with how they work and the processes of getting in and even which ones are better than others. The problem, however, is that he has 4 different people, plus himself, and now me calling detoxes to get him into one and we cannot find a free bed anywhere. I actually had an argument with one guy who told me that $3500 for 7 days detox was an excellent deal and that pain killer withdrawal wouldn't kill him, so if he can't afford it he's just going to suck it up. I had some choice words for this fella... Could you be any more harsh?

Listen - maybe I'm naive. This is my first real go-round with all of this. I'm trying to look out for me and my son and get my BF out of the house and get him the help that he really freaking needs - and even wants! In the meantime, he's having a mental breakdown at home (thankfully I'm once again at work and our son is at daycare), but I think he's really reached his limit. He's telling me that he's shaking and throwing up and he's trying to pack a bag so that as soon as he hears from a place that can take him he can just go!

Did everyone decide to get off drugs at the same time? Why can't we find anywhere for him to go? I wish I had money to throw at him getting help - but I don't! I'm shocked that people other than Lindsay Lohan and that other girl who just went nuts are able to afford to do this! Especially after an addict clears out your freaking bank account buying his frickin pills!
CFDMama is offline  
Old 07-26-2013, 12:30 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
Free detox, there is always some waiting list for a bed.

He should be on the phone to every free place he knows a few times a day checking in. It needs to be him and I don’t care how sick he is….He has to make the call. I am so and so, I am kicking and I need a detox bed. He has to keep saying his name and ask for a bed, be a pain in the ass and yet not to much a pain in the ass just the right amount, respectful and patient. Beds open up all the time, people just up and leave and if he is calling at the right time he can get lucky. I don’t know anyone who waited to long doing this within a day or so they had a bed. They were patient and persistent and respectful.

The guy at the one detox that pissed you off … well you know he deals with family all day, if it was your boyfriend who called he might have a bit more respect. They don’t want to deal with family even thought it is the family footing the bill. The addict needs to make the call for the best results that I have found.

And kicking can be dangerous if someone has a preexisting condition and I am going to tell you right now, that if he just started you need to make sure if he starts to hallucinate that you call 911. You are not equipped to deal with that at all, hell you aren’t equipped to deal with any of this….but you sadly will.

One good boundary, is my home is not a detox center.

If you have anyone you can have around for some support tonight and I mean all night if he is going to be there I would suggest that. If you can get your child out of the house tonight as well that would be a good idea too.
incitingsilence is offline  
Old 07-26-2013, 12:39 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 39
Thank you. This is so hard. I'm trying to be supportive while he tries to make this happen, I have my family on my back about being harsher and they're not really offering ME any positive support. I don't want to disrupt my son's life any longer. I feel like I'm starting to hallucinate from all the freaking stress. I'm snapping at people at work and I just need this to happen now!

It's not that the guy was a jerk to start out with. He was just so insensitive. Like everyone just has this cash lying around? This is what's wrong with this country. You have someone who is really, truly looking to start over and get help and no one can accommodate him! I'm not saying this isn't the case for the others, but it's like jumping through hoops!
CFDMama is offline  
Old 07-26-2013, 12:39 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 39
And I apologize if I'm still ranting. I'm just so done today...
CFDMama is offline  
Old 07-26-2013, 03:37 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
interrupted's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 499
Many free rehabilitation places actually require that the addict themselves be the one to check in periodically looking for a bed. When my older cousin finally hit her bottom she had to try daily to get in, and they expected her to be clean while she was waiting and checking in with them - and I get it. It's better for those free spots to go to those that sincerely want sobriety more than anything else in the world, enough to drag themselves sweating and in pain to the bus to ride across the city to get to the house even to possibly be turned away again for each open check-in. There has to be some sort of demonstration of honest desire beyond "hi, gimme a room!" - it's a sad fact, but there are just too many addicts to accommodate, at least in our city.

For the record, she was a meth addict, and she did go through those steps. It was ugly but she eventually got in and she got sober, worked her recovery, got on her feet, and got her kids back. It's not exactly a fairy tale, but she did that all on her own - she was never able to do that for the nearly 10 years that we were all trying to do it for her.

Hang in there, CFD, you'll be in my thoughts and prayers.
interrupted is offline  
Old 07-26-2013, 05:41 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
You really need to understand that he can make this happen without a cent in his pocket if it has to come to that. He doesn’t need help, he is more than capable of helping himself.

And you don’t owe him, no one does. It does suck and I hate to see anyone go through wd it ain’t fun it is a hell not many can begin to imagine but it has to be done, you got to go through it and wd is really the easy part, the mental after is much harder… there are meetings, he can do outpatient on a sliding scale. He can just kick and in week put himself into the salvation army program which is free. He should call 211 and see what they have available if they are running in your state. It is a one stop shop for information and services.

There is also a big different between being tough and allowing someone the dignity of taking care of themselves.
incitingsilence is offline  
Old 07-26-2013, 06:04 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 39
He has been accepted to the Salvation Army program and they are recommending he go to a detox first.
CFDMama is offline  
Old 07-26-2013, 06:09 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
That doesn't mean he has to go to detox, just means that he needs to detox before he goes.

How are you holding up tonight?
incitingsilence is offline  
Old 07-27-2013, 04:15 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 39
Last night was okay. But today is another day...
CFDMama is offline  
Old 07-27-2013, 06:18 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 39
It has finally begun. He has gotten a bed and goes tomorrow afternoon. I imagine today is going to be one of my hardest days so far. He is ready to go. He wants change and he wants to repair all of the damage that has been done. I feel proud of that. I have hope and faith that he can make this happen. Our lives have completely changed forever and there will be more change with our son and I moving out of our apartment and in with my family for a while. We won't be able to live together again for a while even if he does the right thing. My family believes I should have just walked away and that I will be a fool if I take him back when this is all said and done. I am trying to not think too far ahead but unfortunately life doesn't work in such a way to make that really feasible.

Thank you for your positive input, thought and prayers. Our road to recovery begins tomorrow.
CFDMama is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 05:23 AM.