abba

I am new here and am need of a vent. I have been with my husband for 11 yrs and we have two young children, I left him June 21st. I have been through hell and back several times and refuse to make this latest visit. I have supported him through drug addictions, job losses due to addictions and the resulting financial hardships from it and him being abusive. He has long promised to get help and has done nothing about it. the final straw was losing his dream job last month due to drinking. I took the kids and left. he went to detox a week later after spending all the mortgage and grocery money. He still does not take responsibility for any of his actions and is blaming others for his addictions. I kept all of this in for years and never told anyone. Now when I talk to people about it ie. his family, family doctor they try to make me feel guilty about leaving him now that he went to detox. This is something he needs to do on his own. I have been the supportive person through his pill addiction and numerous other issues and now that we have children it is starting to affect them and their quality of life. I have been very supportive of him getting treatment but am not willing to go through it with him or willing to live in substandard conditions due to him not working. It really angers me that people think "poor him" instead of thinking about what the kids and i have had to endure at the hands of him. anyone else get this reaction?

LexieCat

Yup, sure did.

From his sister. Only SHE was guilting me for leaving while he was still drinking!

Know what? What these people think doesn't matter. You know the truth, and FWIW, I think you did exactly the right thing. Don't waste your energy being angry about it. They weren't living your life.

lillamy

Oh absolutely. His parents - who knew ten years before I met him that he was an A - have cut off all contact with me. They're blaming me for everything that his drinking has resulted in.

I didn't set out to divorce his entire family but that's what happened because, see, I'm the evil wench here. Like you, I didn't return when he entered rehab. In my case, it had gone too far for there to possibly be a future for our marriage.

Turns out that was a good decision as he has continues drinking himself closer to death. Which in his family's eyes is also my fault.

You can't please everyone but if you so what you think is right at least you're pleasing the person you have to live with for the rest of your life - you.

hisimage48

abba-
I just wanted to say good for you. You are strong, your are wonderful for thinking of your kids.

Seren

Hello abba, and Welcome!

For what it's worth, I'm glad that you have decided to do what is best for your children and for you!

Maybe, someday, your husband will decide to grab hold of recovery with both hands and hang on for all he's worth....until then, I think protecting yourself and your children is a very wise move.

juliep

Yes!
But no-one else actually lived with my bf and saw all the cr*p I had to put up with.
Nobody can understand unless they have actually been through the same. Trust your instincts and don't let others influence you.
You have done a very strong thing for yourself and your children - you made the right decision

Santa

I got a bit of this from my now-ex's siblings as we were splitting up. I saved my energy for my kids and decided that as far as anyone else goes: never apologize, never explain.

I had a standard line that I would repeat as often as necessary: "You have no idea what the children and I have been through."

funkynassau

I"m sorry people didnt take you under their wing and be supportive to you and your kids when you really need it. But try not to worry about them, they will think what they will think. Concentrate on your kids and yourself.

Florence

Yep, his family hates me. My family guilt trips me too because I'm the "first" to get a divorce. Of course, they weren't here suffering his silences and his roller coaster ride through hell.

Now that they are, it's their ride.

I'm stealing this.

unsureoffuture

I hear this all too often. To be honest by the time you actually leave your A, there is so much damage done that its very hard to salvage the marriage. Only YOU know whats best for YOU. There is no guilt only what is best for you. he is responsible for his own actions. Rehab is never the final answer and more often than not there are many many relapses and some never recover completely. If you made the decision to leave, you did so despite knowing he may or may not recover. That is all on him. Keep focusing on you. I know exactly what you are going through.

Ripper

I often feel that no one but me gets how serious the problem is and I know that I don't need anybody's "OK" but a little more support would be a lot easier. Our "couples therapist" said last week, that for my husband to decide to go into therapy for his alcohol problem, I should (must) be supportive because if there is nothing in it for him to gain, it won't be worth it...huh, really? I answered, well, I can't promise I'll still be there, but if he goes into therapy I can garantee he'll be healthier, that's all I can promise...Is that a bad way of thinking?

Hammer

Hey Abba,

Yeah, sister, WE ALL hear that crap.

Now I just figure that is an opportunity to "share" some of what I have learned along the path. How great the Triple C is -- You do not Cause it, Control it, and cannot Cure it. How to Let Go, and Let God. They may hear some of that, they may not.

When I listen closely to them, especially the Mother In Law (severe Co-De), what the real message is something like this . . .

If YOU (me) do not keep taking Mrs. Hammer's crap, since I (MIL, etc) will have to take her crap.

Sort of makes me smile and laugh at the silliness.

I just joke along and invite MIL to Alanon.

Florence

Yeeeeeeah.

And the sad thing is that since my AH has moved into his parents -- almost a year ago at this point -- they are all experiencing the "frog in boiling water" depression and anxiety that I felt and tried to explain to them for so long, and they STILL blame me!

I think this is what they mean in part when they say that addiction is a family disease. As members of the family, we are all near it and have to choose what our journeys will be. I chose not to have it be central in my life anymore -- but ironically, as I've pursued my own zen and serenity, discussions of it and education about it have nevertheless remained central. That's okay because it's important to me to know what I need to know going forward and also to have a sense of control over my own actions and reactions.

Other people are choosing to hang their hat on someone else's actions, or to ignore it overall, or to blame others. Back when all this started, I begged his immediate family to get educated, handed them materials, tried to talk about it openly, etc. I knew that even if I wasn't around, they would be and they would benefit from the Al-Anon materials I was using.

That was all in vain. Note that none of my begging and proselytizing worked. It was wasted breath. They still don't think they are part of the problem. They still think they can love and pay his way out of alcoholism. One of the reasons I left is that HE LET THEM and used it against them.

Hammer

I do not beg or "sell" too much. Remember "attraction not promotion."

Just the basic part so they know why I am not going to join them for a swim in the Septic Tank. I now know crap is crap.

If they get tired of it, they can quit, too.

Remember your responsibility is a Sane, Better, YOU. Has nothing to do with ANY Them.

abba

thank you for all the support! My family is very supportive and some of his family is, I just find when we talk that they are still looking out for his best interest first and not for the kids and I. I want him to get better as it's what is best for my kids, the healthier he is the better it is for them. That used to be his saving grace, him being a great dad but He has turned into a total deadbeat dad the past few months and since being sober nothing has changed. The nastier he is the less I feel bad for him and how he's living. I guess it's the same on our end as it is on theirs. you have to get to the point when you make the decision to live this way or chose to live a better life. My kids definitely made that decision easier!

OhBoy

I've gotten some of that from STXAW's family, though mostly its a silent judgement with convicting glares. Unless you've been through it you just can't understand what the disease does to whole family. It's easy to see how the A is suffering and that's what people see, that's how their disease wants it. Wants all the attention for itself. And if a codie is still engulfed in the disease of alcoholism and unaware of their own disease of codependency, that's what they see as well and are often even more judgmental. "How can you not be supportive? Look at all that the rest of us are doing to help this poor person!" They weren't there to see how our lives had been overtaken by this insidious disease. At least that's been my experience.

wife1020

I can relate to all this. Dont feel bad. I am on the verge of doing all the same steps to save me and my kids. Dont let people say anything bad to you. Be strong. YOU DESERVE BETTER

SweetDreams

It sounds to me like his parents and doctor want you and the kids to be tools for his recovery; and a few relapses ago maybe you were willing. Honestly, the kindest thing my husband did for me during my addiction was to refuse to put up with it. Not even a little. Stick to your guns, you're helping him more than you know. Best wishes to you and your kids.

cr995

I think you did the right thing. I wish I could have done it much sooner.
The longer you stay = The more damage = The longer time in recovery

Plus I realize that I TOTALLY enabled my AH to the detriment of everybody including myself while I stayed.

When I initially left it was amazing how many people were willing to eat up his story BUT I have since realized that the people who really matter - you and your kids know the truth and you are the ones that really matter.

I felt guilty when I left and I was stupid to complicate it by saying I was leaving for someone else but I suppose at the end if the day it doesn't matter how so long it's done. We don't leave them so much as they leave us - for alcohol .

I don't know hiw difficult it is to give up alcohol - I imagine it's very difficult BUT I am trying to get it into my head that it is not necessary for the whole family to have to go down as well.

Lulu39

Yes. All of "our" friends have decided to pick a side and they picked his side.

Last Xmas women who I thought were my friends, even paid for him to go on holiday and stay with them and their families. He hadn't paid a cent in child support, had given his kids nothing for birthdays or for Xmas and was telling the world how I was ruining him financially. They believed him. They still believe him.

I made him drink, I made him abuse me, I made him lose jobs, crash cars and make suicide attempts and threats. I made him get drunk and burn the kitchen down.