ZenMe

A common theme I see here in SR, and I'm no exception is that many of us could not depend on our A for things like taking you to the DR, or getting you Advil when you had a migraine so bad and couldn't get it yourself. They aren't there for you when you really need it. I've been talking to people about this and it's overwhelming what I have found, people are divided into 2 very distinct groups.

A) Those who their significant other would take them to the DRs no problem.

B) Those (like me) who their significant other would not take them to the DR or put up a huge fight and give you a hard time about it.

What differentiates group A from group B? Everyone in Group A said "what they wouldn't take you to the DR? I can't even fathom that, really?? My guy/girl takes me no issue" In other words they implicitly expect it, to them it's like breathing air. The only difference I could see on the surface was "well I expect them to do so, why wouldn't they?", just that belief ALONE. Is what separates them from Group B.

Group B "yea I couldn't get him/her to take me to the DR, I do a lot for him/her and they can't even do this for me..", "well because I would do it for them they should do it for me".

Group B believes they are owed something because they have invested and been nice to their SO. Group A believes it's an intrinsic right, and they are the ones that get the ride to the DR with a smile.

So my takeaway. It wasn't about "I deserve someone who is better because I myself I'm better and can do this and that" or "I don't deserve someone better because I'm not a worthy person", it is simply "I deserve someone better". This is what Group A people think, *walks over to Group A*

I only sampled like 6 people but it was surprising!

amy55

oh, I think I have a group C here

I had cancer, had to go daily for radiation. My ex only did it because it was expected of him, and his work covered for him so he would have the time to do. So he had to, after all he had to look good to other people.


edit : need to correct something. I never expected him to take me, I knew I couldn't do it myself, he only did it to look good. I had my mother, my daughter and my sister lined up for this

ZenMe

I think there are many other Groups including your C group, but none of them are genuine like Group A.

I bet your ex treated you better when out in public than in private. Was even nicer to waitresses than you? Is there a personality disorder term for people like this? My dad fits this category to a T. In public great guy, behind closed doors a HUGE as*h*le.

theuncertainty

Or there's a groupd D:

DS had oral surgery that required he be sedated. AXH had me drop him off for a treatment for cancer that morning before I took DS to his scheduled surgery. AXH did not have cancer.

I'd rather be in Group A, too, and I'm working to get there.

amy55

Of course he treated me better when out in public. At home, I didn't exist at all. He would come home from work and say hi to the dog and walk past me.

Personality disorder - I would think so. My ex was an A, with admitted depression, which he would then deny, with possible bi polar, and anger issues, possible ADHD also.

amy55

, that's a new one on me, and I thought I lived through all of them

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yep, I also want to be in group A.

trixie56

Is there a term for it? I began to notice my ex was much more polite when we were around my family or in public. But alone with me, or with his family, he was super crude and sometimes said violent jokes. This two-sidedness totally creeped me out.

And yet another red flag...

Springs

I'd add to this list - picking you up from the airport. I have friends with SOs who just of course pick them up and then SOs who picking them up from the airport would be a big deal and major inconvenience.

My H wouldn't. I took a cab.