July2413

Hi everyone, I've been reading these forums for a few days now and I guess I've realized that I can't do this by myself. I've tried to stop drinking several times and I love being sober but I always get to the point where I tell myself that I'm in control again and I can have a drink and stop. That lasts for a few days before I'm sneaking more wine and drinking until I can go to bed and fall asleep immediately. Then I wake up a few hours later in a panic. The guilt, headache, and nausea keep me up the rest of the night. In the morning I swear I'll never drink again. At night I pick up where I left off.

I don't drink that much in quantity but my lack of self control, the intensity of my need for alcohol, and the extreme guilt I feel after drinking scare me. I know that if I continue this will take over me. I feel like I'm standing at the edge of a cliff but really I'm just slowly walking down it. When I'm drinking I don't think, about anything. It's a release from work, emotions, and expectations. I'm a master people pleaser and it serves me well. Others don't see what is happening in me yet... I know this isn't as bad as it will be. Inside though, I know the alcohol is destroying my person. I can't pray. I can't focus. I waste so much time. I react; I never respond. I'm irritable all the time.

I know that I have lost control. My life, as it is, is unmanageable. I want to stop before it gets worse, before there are serious consequences. I know what alcoholism looks like because I'm my family history. I know I don't meet that behavior yet, but I know my feelings match this disease really well. I don't want to continue down this path.

Thank you for listening. I already feel relieved to express some of this and grateful for the support you have given me even as I have lurked around here.

PippoRossi

Welcome, July. Glad you are here. You've made an important step my recognizing you have an issue and addressing it in a public forum. That is not for the faint of heart.

maybebabey

Hi there! I could be reading about myself word for word. I have stopped for exactly the same reasons and have a similar family history. I am just finishing Day 5 sober. To warn you I have got a bit of insomnia and apparently this is quite normal, and I have been up and down emotionally, so be be prepared for both. Ultimately though if I can do it you can do it for sure, so stick with it and you will get lots of support on here :-)

July2413

Thank you PippoRossi. Yesterday I didn't drink and I woke up this morning feeling so refreshed and centered. I didn't know exactly how to spend my morning since I didn't have anything to nurse or coax in order to function. Tomorrow I'm going to clean the house and go out for a long walk which is something I enjoy but never do in between drinking, recovering from drinking, and drinking again.

I just hope that I can stop for good this time.

hypochondriac

Welcome to SR July This is a great place for support and information. Glad you're here x

July2413

Thank you maybebabey. I already feel so much better knowing that I'm not alone. I know that I am very lucky that I am realizing before it gets really really really bad but I hope I can stick through it. I know how much better life is sober than drinking.

I know I slept well last night because I was so exhausted but I am sure it will start to get more difficult. It's happened to me the other times I've tried to stop too. Part of the reason I love to drink is to "sleep."

Hevyn

Welcome to SR July - this is a wonderful place for the encouragement you need.

I felt the same way when I first posted here - my anxiety calmed way down. I was so broken and scared to death. I felt tremendous relief when I realized I was among friends, and everyone understood. No one in my life really got what I was going through. We're happy you found us - you're going to do this.

July2413

Thank you hypochondriac!

Thank you Hevyn! I love the quotes in your signature!

Dee74

welcome to SR July2413

D

Bruce292

Hello and welcome. It's amazing how much illness we're willing to put up with when using alcohol. You said that you "wake up a few hours later in a panic. The guilt, headache, and nausea". I know that feeling all too well. It's as if was so broken deep down inside that nothing would make it better. I finally found what made it better. Sobriety. I no longer wake up at 4 AM thinking I've done something horrible, or that I don't know where my wallet is, or whatever. Please keep posting, keep communicating, and hang in there.

July2413

Thanks Bruce! The panic is the worst thing about the drinking for me. I hate waking up with my heart racing and feeling all the shame and guilt at having lied and failed again. I hate knowing that I've wasted another day or another night on a drink. I hate knowing everything I'm capable of as a person and just putting it aside for something that doesn't give me anything back.

It's like there's this idea in my mind of "having a drink" and it never actually lives up to what I think it will. It proves me wrong every time but I still think that my "idea" is right. And it just isn't.

Thank you for listening and for taking the time to write back to me. I can't tell you how much it means to me.

Bruce292

YES! That moment in the afternoon, evening, or whatever where the brain introduces that "I should have a drink" logic. One of the things I started to do when working toward sobriety was to write down those thoughts.

"I'll get a 12 pack but I'll be perfect from now on".
"So, I'll have a few beers, with what I've been through ..."
"Tough day, this is the last time".
"Why not, it's Friday"
"This is the last time"

When in reality the same horror show repeats early in the morning over and over again.

Thank *you* for posting. It means a lot to everyone here. Through your experiences we can all work at being well.

cascademn

Hi July,
I can so relate to your post. It's like we want to be so much more but the monkey says otherwise. I'm so glad you posted. Please stay close. There is an absolute wealth of recovery experience here. We all help each other.
Cheers,
Cas

July2413

That's a great idea! I just wrote one down for myself - I always think a glass of wine AND a movie, a book, a TV show on a Friday night, a conversation with a friend. What actually happens though is a glass of wine, a half hour of those activities... then I "steal" a bottle of wine, sneak it to my bedroom, drink the whole thing, hide the bottle, sleep, wake up in a panic, and do it again so that I can forget how I failed the first time.

It's amazing how irrational it is.

Bruce292

Oh yeah. Bringing our sanctuary into our sanctuary. What's more private, safer, and protected than our bedroom.

With sobriety, it's still safe but it's where I go to dream and wake up to a new dawn. Sober and free.

I hope I'm not just repeating the obvious.

Soberpotamus

Welcome! Glad you are here. SR is a great place for support and learning how to formulate a recovery plan. And I can also relate very much to your drinking style. Hope you find some things that work for you. It's a diverse community, so I'm sure you'll get something here you can use